FUCK that Elf.

A year ago and few weeks into December, I was sitting across from my boss.

"I feel like you are Grinchy."

"Why?!" He grinched

"Because last year we did the elf on the shelf, and this year we haven't."

"Oh." He answered "It is in there.....someplace." He waved his hands towards "there" which everyone knows is the storage area of hell.

Neither one of us got up in a rush to go out in the shed and grab it. Wanna know why?

two years ago, we excitedly unwrapped the elf on the shelf and placed her lovingly on the....well...the shelf.

We took selfies with the Elf and we thought of hilarious ways in which we could express our creativeness AND imagination.

I read the story to my class, and each day I would excitedly think of new things for her to do.

We named her sparkle fart.

Fast forward a week, and I was asking the Boss to move her someplace because I, quite honestly, am too busy to move an elf. I have a Christmas Program to plan and winter testing to do.

Two days later I forgot completely...Then he forgot completely.

Once a child touched it, which made my ENTIRE class cry.

Then One day our Elf didn't get moved and all of the children fell into a state of shock and worry.

The elf is stupid. Okay? He is stupid and needless.

All month long I have been seeing everyone's elf's moved around strategically throughout their homes. Making flour elf angels and fishing for turds in the toilet.

It used to be enough for kids to know that Santa was watching.

Santa had moms back.

Is it any wonder that Kids don't listen as well? The big guy doesn't have your back anymore. Now there is just a punk elf.

Which Is quite like going from Jax Teller backing you up

:

 to a 'prospect' backing you up.

The world is overpopulated and Santa is too busy.

Now that elf has a reindeer and in 10 years that reindeer will have an assistant elf who starts visiting in October because the Nice list has its own waiting list.

I know people who plan this shit out and set alarms on their phones to wake them up at 3:00 am just to make sure that little stuffed fucker is moved.

My thought on this? No women has the excuse anymore that they are too tired for a 3 am BJ. If your ass can be woken up by an alarm for an elf, your ass better wake up and roll over for your mans midnight chub.

You are too tired? Naw man. Naw.

Last year I decided to call some friends who still had little kids and see where they stood on this whole douche elf idea.

While talking to MeL one night she told me that she did not have an Elf on the shelf, SHE had a monkey in the tree.

"Monkey?" I questioned and half laughed already.

"Yeah. Who the fuck can afford 25 bucks for a spying elf? So I got a 2.00 monkey and my kids think he works for santa too. But he just sits in the tree. He doesn't move around and do stupid shit."

#realtalk

"Beanie. I HATE that fuckin elf!" Dawn moaned to me.

"Why?"

"I cannot tell you how many times I have gone to sleep and woken up in a PANIC because I forgot the elf! Once I didn't wake up and I ran down stairs and chucked him across the room before Ariana could see."

I laughed because I could see that happening.

"It is not funny Beanie. I hate it! Once it got touched and we had to sprinkle cinnamon on her and she had to get 'sent' to the north pole."

My question for her, was honest and serious "Who the FUCK has time for that in their life?"

Wanna know my answer??

Listen.

I LOVE Christmas!

It is one of my most favoritest times of the year! I make reindeer food, and make sure to leave Santa a key to my front door.

I drink the luke warm milk and I bite the cookie. I "ooooooooh" and I "awwwwwwe" and I squeeeeeeel when I see Santa clause because he is my favorite person in the ENTIRE world.

Yesterday, a student in my class asked me where my Elf  who talks to Santa was (while looking on my shelf's suspiciously) so I rang the class bell.

"Gabriel just asked where our classroom elf is and I am going to answer. Santa has sent all of you elves at your homes right?"

They all nodded and yelled out their Elves names with happiness and abandon.

"That's good. And I love hearing about Charming and Sweetie and Fred each and every day. But here in class, we do not have an elf. Here in class we have...me. And you will behave simply because I told you to do so."

"YES MS.BEANIE!"They answered.

A parent told me last week "Beanie, you NEED an elf for your classroom! The kids behave with that elf!"

I just smiled.

My children do things because I ask them too, not because some creepy elf is staring at them from the heater vent and they are scared that he is going to snitch on them.

Snitches get stitches

(or bite their own tongues off like Otto.)

Instead I just smiled and nodded and in my mind all I could think was "Fuck that elf."