And of course the Bloopers!
Talk is CHEAP, I am not.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
BEANIE!
I hear my name a ZILLION times a day, but when it is said in EXAUSTION...That means I had a productive day....
A mom walks by my classroom.
She is SO happy to see her son. I bite my lip. "Ummm...I gave your son a tattoo again today."
I say this sorta quiet, but alas, she swivels on her heels and walks up to me.
Thankfully she is smiling.
"Oh really? What did you do THIS time?"
"Well! HE asked for it, and here at kindercare, we believe in a child's right to choose."
"Mmhmm....well WHAT did HE choose?"
I shift...and look away from her eyes. "Well...just a little...tiny, minuscule really....Sleeve."
Her eyes widen. "A tiny...SLEEVE?" She laughs and walks to the next room. I count my kids and laugh under my breath, and look over at the office. Oh CRAP.
Thankfully I know this mom is cool with my tattoo skills...
I hear a pounding of feet and Kaiden runs up to me "Baby beanie...guess WHAT! I showed my mom...my mom I showed her my TATTOO!"
He is smiling and his shorn red hair shines.
I kneel down "Shhhhhhhhhhhhhh Kaiden! Ohmygosh" and then I laugh because he thinks he is a rockstar now, thanks to me.
His mom walks up behind him as he is pulling up his shirt... "And MOM...look! LOOKIT..Beanie did on my BACK!"
I quickly rush "Oh yes...YES um ...i FORGOT...you know...about the back."
She peeks at what he is proudly showing her, pats his head and laughs at me "You wrote his last name across his whole back?!"
"I was feeling artistic, don't you think that a child should have the right to express his feelings through art?" I quickly stammer. I stand up. "Im SORRY. I'm a bad person!"
She laughs. "Hey...you KNOW this is ganna last for a few weeks, just remember I BATHE my son." And off they walk.
I hear Kaiden run to my boss and exclaim "HEY BABY BEANIE GAVE ME A TATTOO LOOK!!!!"
5 seconds later I hear from the office: "BEEEEEANIE!...I SWEAR that girl..."
***********
A mom walks into my classroom. She has eyes ONLY for her son.
He wanders over to her and pulls on her leg. He is EXTREAMLY concentrated... "Mom...I gatta give Beanie 5 dollars."
She smiles and laughs at me.
"Oh REALLY? Now why do YOU have to give Beanie 5 dollars?"
"Not me mom..you...you have to give her five dollars, because I don't have 5 dollars, so can you give Beanie 5 dollars?
"Okay..." The mom laughs "Tell me why I have to give Beanie 5 dollars?"
I stand there very serious. Trying not to laugh.
"Well...I don't want a magic finger..so.." and off he wanders.
I won't lie, I dig around my house trying to find things to show this kid. He is hilarious and fascinating at the same time.
The mom looks at me.
"Well...I have this miraculous magic item (and I pull it out to show her) It makes your finger glow. I say a few magic words..and BAM! You now have a magic finger, and your boogers will be the most magical crustiest boogers ever!" I exclaim with excitment.
At this moment 15 children crowd around my legs...
"I want a magic finger!"
"Hey Beanie..I want one too!"
The mom laughs...."So he doesn't WANT a magic finger...and so now has to give you 5 dollars?"
"Yeah..." I replied, leaning against the cubbies, "He DID have a magic finger, but he wiped it off...so...He decided Magic fingers were bad. We shook on it and double pinky promised. The kid owes me 5 bucks dude."
"Okaaaay...well see what we can do...He DID shake and double pinky promise!"
The next day Kingston walks in with a baggie in his hands. "Umm Beanie...Here." He shoves it into my hands and wanders to the block area.
I look at his ma..."What's this?"
"Well..Kingston wants to know if you will accept these peanut butter chocolate chip rice crispy treats INSTEAD of the 5 bucks."
I take a square out.
I sniff it.
I lick it.
I nod.
"This is acceptable in trade." And i walk over to Kingston to shake his hand. Deal met.
I then yell "Woooooooooooooooooooohooooooooooooooooo I LOVE my job!"
Dawn see's me, spots the treats and laughs.
"Beanie!"
*************
I2 shiny faces look up at me from circle time.
I hold up a picture of a dinosaur... "What kind of Dinosaur is this?"
They inspect the picture and shout "Herbivore!!!!!"
"Good...goood...how do you KNOW this is a Herbivore?"
"He has no sharp teef!"
"He has no sharp claws!"
"He has spines on his back to protect them from Carnivores!"
I smile, and hold up another picture "And what sort of Dinosaur is this?"
They shout at me (Their favorite thing) "CARNIVORE!!!!"
"Niiiice....how can you tell?"
"He has sharp clackity claws!" and the curl their fingers.
"He has sharp pointy TEEF!" and they show me their teeth.
"He looks MEAN! and is not pretty!"
I laugh.
"And what sort of things does a carnivore eat ?" My eyes keep landing on Ayden.
He smiles and squirmes.
"They eat bones!"
"They eat other dinosaurs!"
"They eat AYDEN!"
"Oh yes...They eat bones, and other dinosaurs....But their FAVORITE thing to eat has got to be...most defenitly AYDEN CUSHENBERRY!!!!" I growl and stomp over to Ayden.
He runs and the children giggle.
I grab him up and eat his guts. I pretend to burp and let his now lifeless body slide out of my grasp.
I stick out my stomache and pat it...
"MMMMM. Now that is a GOOD Ayden Cushenberry!"
The kids all laugh and fall at my feet. They kick their legs and hold their sides.
I sit back down and they sit up too.
I hold up a card that reads "Carnivores" "Who knows what this says?"
I see their eyes connect with the word.
I see their mouths move silently.
And then I hear it.
"C.....C......"
I gasp and point my finger at one girl. "DID YOU JUST SOUND THAT OUT!?"
She moves back a little. Shy.
I sit there and stare at these kids. "I want to cry because you are all so friggen smart. I am so proud of you, and you are all BEAUTIFUL."
They laugh and squeal "BEANIEEEE!!!!"
And THAT is my favorite way to hear my name.
A mom walks by my classroom.
She is SO happy to see her son. I bite my lip. "Ummm...I gave your son a tattoo again today."
I say this sorta quiet, but alas, she swivels on her heels and walks up to me.
Thankfully she is smiling.
"Oh really? What did you do THIS time?"
"Well! HE asked for it, and here at kindercare, we believe in a child's right to choose."
"Mmhmm....well WHAT did HE choose?"
I shift...and look away from her eyes. "Well...just a little...tiny, minuscule really....Sleeve."
Her eyes widen. "A tiny...SLEEVE?" She laughs and walks to the next room. I count my kids and laugh under my breath, and look over at the office. Oh CRAP.
Thankfully I know this mom is cool with my tattoo skills...
I hear a pounding of feet and Kaiden runs up to me "Baby beanie...guess WHAT! I showed my mom...my mom I showed her my TATTOO!"
He is smiling and his shorn red hair shines.
I kneel down "Shhhhhhhhhhhhhh Kaiden! Ohmygosh" and then I laugh because he thinks he is a rockstar now, thanks to me.
His mom walks up behind him as he is pulling up his shirt... "And MOM...look! LOOKIT..Beanie did on my BACK!"
I quickly rush "Oh yes...YES um ...i FORGOT...you know...about the back."
She peeks at what he is proudly showing her, pats his head and laughs at me "You wrote his last name across his whole back?!"
"I was feeling artistic, don't you think that a child should have the right to express his feelings through art?" I quickly stammer. I stand up. "Im SORRY. I'm a bad person!"
She laughs. "Hey...you KNOW this is ganna last for a few weeks, just remember I BATHE my son." And off they walk.
I hear Kaiden run to my boss and exclaim "HEY BABY BEANIE GAVE ME A TATTOO LOOK!!!!"
5 seconds later I hear from the office: "BEEEEEANIE!...I SWEAR that girl..."
***********
A mom walks into my classroom. She has eyes ONLY for her son.
He wanders over to her and pulls on her leg. He is EXTREAMLY concentrated... "Mom...I gatta give Beanie 5 dollars."
She smiles and laughs at me.
"Oh REALLY? Now why do YOU have to give Beanie 5 dollars?"
"Not me mom..you...you have to give her five dollars, because I don't have 5 dollars, so can you give Beanie 5 dollars?
"Okay..." The mom laughs "Tell me why I have to give Beanie 5 dollars?"
I stand there very serious. Trying not to laugh.
"Well...I don't want a magic finger..so.." and off he wanders.
I won't lie, I dig around my house trying to find things to show this kid. He is hilarious and fascinating at the same time.
The mom looks at me.
"Well...I have this miraculous magic item (and I pull it out to show her) It makes your finger glow. I say a few magic words..and BAM! You now have a magic finger, and your boogers will be the most magical crustiest boogers ever!" I exclaim with excitment.
At this moment 15 children crowd around my legs...
"I want a magic finger!"
"Hey Beanie..I want one too!"
The mom laughs...."So he doesn't WANT a magic finger...and so now has to give you 5 dollars?"
"Yeah..." I replied, leaning against the cubbies, "He DID have a magic finger, but he wiped it off...so...He decided Magic fingers were bad. We shook on it and double pinky promised. The kid owes me 5 bucks dude."
"Okaaaay...well see what we can do...He DID shake and double pinky promise!"
The next day Kingston walks in with a baggie in his hands. "Umm Beanie...Here." He shoves it into my hands and wanders to the block area.
I look at his ma..."What's this?"
"Well..Kingston wants to know if you will accept these peanut butter chocolate chip rice crispy treats INSTEAD of the 5 bucks."
I take a square out.
I sniff it.
I lick it.
I nod.
"This is acceptable in trade." And i walk over to Kingston to shake his hand. Deal met.
I then yell "Woooooooooooooooooooohooooooooooooooooo I LOVE my job!"
Dawn see's me, spots the treats and laughs.
"Beanie!"
*************
I2 shiny faces look up at me from circle time.
I hold up a picture of a dinosaur... "What kind of Dinosaur is this?"
They inspect the picture and shout "Herbivore!!!!!"
"Good...goood...how do you KNOW this is a Herbivore?"
"He has no sharp teef!"
"He has no sharp claws!"
"He has spines on his back to protect them from Carnivores!"
I smile, and hold up another picture "And what sort of Dinosaur is this?"
They shout at me (Their favorite thing) "CARNIVORE!!!!"
"Niiiice....how can you tell?"
"He has sharp clackity claws!" and the curl their fingers.
"He has sharp pointy TEEF!" and they show me their teeth.
"He looks MEAN! and is not pretty!"
I laugh.
"And what sort of things does a carnivore eat ?" My eyes keep landing on Ayden.
He smiles and squirmes.
"They eat bones!"
"They eat other dinosaurs!"
"They eat AYDEN!"
"Oh yes...They eat bones, and other dinosaurs....But their FAVORITE thing to eat has got to be...most defenitly AYDEN CUSHENBERRY!!!!" I growl and stomp over to Ayden.
He runs and the children giggle.
I grab him up and eat his guts. I pretend to burp and let his now lifeless body slide out of my grasp.
I stick out my stomache and pat it...
"MMMMM. Now that is a GOOD Ayden Cushenberry!"
The kids all laugh and fall at my feet. They kick their legs and hold their sides.
I sit back down and they sit up too.
I hold up a card that reads "Carnivores" "Who knows what this says?"
I see their eyes connect with the word.
I see their mouths move silently.
And then I hear it.
"C.....C......"
I gasp and point my finger at one girl. "DID YOU JUST SOUND THAT OUT!?"
She moves back a little. Shy.
I sit there and stare at these kids. "I want to cry because you are all so friggen smart. I am so proud of you, and you are all BEAUTIFUL."
They laugh and squeal "BEANIEEEE!!!!"
And THAT is my favorite way to hear my name.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
My son the Viking.
When I came across the viking hat at Christmas time, I KNEW that I had to have it.
I gasped.
I pointed.
I hopped up and down trying to get my stubby body high enough to reach it.
"Beanie! You have bought Foofy ENOUGH stuff! Concentrate on Emma!"
Dinga was right of course, But still...STILL...this was the last hat he would get.
I double pinky promised.
She sighed and above the x-box 360 and the Dungeons and Dragons he got... THIS is what I was most excited about.
Christmas eve I wrapped it with care, and laughed maniacly when I was done.
He will NEVER guess what THAT is!!! I proudly exclaimed to my brother.
I jammed it on Santa's head, and got to work on the rest of the stuff I had to do. Still....my eyes kept wandering back to the genius hat that I had purchased.
Let's not pretend, I actually woke up my kids on Christmas morning.... I peeked into Shanes room and saw him on his computer.
"Pssssssssssssssst...Is Emma awake?!" I stage whispered
Shane turned and looked. "Nope. She FINALLY is asleep."
"Good....Now WAKE HER UP! I'm ganna hop into bed, have her wake me up! SANTA CAME!" I squealed with glee and hid in my bed.
The snores that softly escaped my lips, were in fact brilliant.
Soon enough we wandered into the living room, Emma's hair was messy and her eyes were alight with Magic. She stood at the bottom of our dead... dry, Christmas tree, covered in a pound of tinsel and her mouth dropped open.
I clapped and promptly flopped onto the couch.
Shanes eyes wandered...and beheld....The wrapped hat-o-viking.
"Oh mom....." He smiled at me...so HUGE. "Mom...Oh come one!!!!...REALLY?!!!"
I clapped, and laughed and screamed with happiness. "Yes!!"
"He looked at the blue wrapped package and folded his arms. "Oh now..I will NEVER guess what THAT is!"
He looked at me with such happiness, I wanted to pee on my foot.
When he unwrapped the hat of glee, he plopped it in his head and wore it for exactly 5 minutes. Until he unwrapped his soda drinking hat....his fancy cap....His umbrella hat....His towering pillar of hats...that Emma and I had pieced together TYVM.
Last week I snatched up my babies and took them out to Denny's.
Shane, as usual, stood infront of his massive hat collection and stroked his budding chin hair.
"Hmmmm...Which one shall I grace people with tonight? Choices ...choices..."
I suggested the Viking, and he suggested I was a genius!
I will tell you this. I love my son for an inumerable reasons. But at the top of that list HAS to be his ability to walk amongst the people at walmart and Denny's, capped with horns and returning peoples stares with "Hey, how ya doing?"....."What's up?"
I gasped.
I pointed.
I hopped up and down trying to get my stubby body high enough to reach it.
"Beanie! You have bought Foofy ENOUGH stuff! Concentrate on Emma!"
Dinga was right of course, But still...STILL...this was the last hat he would get.
I double pinky promised.
She sighed and above the x-box 360 and the Dungeons and Dragons he got... THIS is what I was most excited about.
Christmas eve I wrapped it with care, and laughed maniacly when I was done.
He will NEVER guess what THAT is!!! I proudly exclaimed to my brother.
I jammed it on Santa's head, and got to work on the rest of the stuff I had to do. Still....my eyes kept wandering back to the genius hat that I had purchased.
"Pssssssssssssssst...Is Emma awake?!" I stage whispered
Shane turned and looked. "Nope. She FINALLY is asleep."
"Good....Now WAKE HER UP! I'm ganna hop into bed, have her wake me up! SANTA CAME!" I squealed with glee and hid in my bed.
The snores that softly escaped my lips, were in fact brilliant.
Soon enough we wandered into the living room, Emma's hair was messy and her eyes were alight with Magic. She stood at the bottom of our dead... dry, Christmas tree, covered in a pound of tinsel and her mouth dropped open.
I clapped and promptly flopped onto the couch.
Shanes eyes wandered...and beheld....The wrapped hat-o-viking.
"Oh mom....." He smiled at me...so HUGE. "Mom...Oh come one!!!!...REALLY?!!!"
I clapped, and laughed and screamed with happiness. "Yes!!"
"He looked at the blue wrapped package and folded his arms. "Oh now..I will NEVER guess what THAT is!"
He looked at me with such happiness, I wanted to pee on my foot.
When he unwrapped the hat of glee, he plopped it in his head and wore it for exactly 5 minutes. Until he unwrapped his soda drinking hat....his fancy cap....His umbrella hat....His towering pillar of hats...that Emma and I had pieced together TYVM.
Last week I snatched up my babies and took them out to Denny's.
Shane, as usual, stood infront of his massive hat collection and stroked his budding chin hair.
"Hmmmm...Which one shall I grace people with tonight? Choices ...choices..."
I suggested the Viking, and he suggested I was a genius!
I will tell you this. I love my son for an inumerable reasons. But at the top of that list HAS to be his ability to walk amongst the people at walmart and Denny's, capped with horns and returning peoples stares with "Hey, how ya doing?"....."What's up?"
Monday, January 17, 2011
Franks and Beans...Things they don't tell you.
Today, January 17th. 12:20 pm
Dawn giggles as she smokes her cigarette. We are huddled in my car on our lunch break.
"I'm ganna ask people if that happens to them...watch. I will."
Dawn laughs again, which, is sorta like a high pitched giggle. "Beanie, I'm pretty sure NO body in the ENTIRE world has stared at their sons penis and screamed "Franks and beans...FRANKS AND BEANS!"
She laughs again, and so do I.
"No?....You don't think so?"
"NO Beanie. You're not normal." she giggles and I wonder. About all of the things people don't EVER tell you when they place your newborn child in your arms.
Let's backtrack a bit...
My son is 15 and a half. He has absolutely no shame in his body. Every night he takes a shower, walks down the hall, butt ass nekkid, and tells me "I love you, G'night Ma."
Some nights he will remind me that his gym clothes need washing....Or he needs school supplies...what have you.
If Emma is about, he will hide behind the door. It never really bothered me.
That is, until I noticed my sweet baby boy ( 6 ft tall or not) has the penis of a man.
I was shocked....and I did the only think I could. I pointed....and I screamed "Franks and beans....FRANKS AND BEANS!"
Now.
You would think this would shock my child, but no. He rolled his eyes and said "Anyway Ma, don't forget my friends are coming over okay? Love you G'night."
People never told me this. And so I say to YOU. One day you will discover that your child has the junk of a man, and you will be prepared.
You're welcome.
Dawn giggles as she smokes her cigarette. We are huddled in my car on our lunch break.
"I'm ganna ask people if that happens to them...watch. I will."
Dawn laughs again, which, is sorta like a high pitched giggle. "Beanie, I'm pretty sure NO body in the ENTIRE world has stared at their sons penis and screamed "Franks and beans...FRANKS AND BEANS!"
She laughs again, and so do I.
"No?....You don't think so?"
"NO Beanie. You're not normal." she giggles and I wonder. About all of the things people don't EVER tell you when they place your newborn child in your arms.
Let's backtrack a bit...
My son is 15 and a half. He has absolutely no shame in his body. Every night he takes a shower, walks down the hall, butt ass nekkid, and tells me "I love you, G'night Ma."
Some nights he will remind me that his gym clothes need washing....Or he needs school supplies...what have you.
If Emma is about, he will hide behind the door. It never really bothered me.
That is, until I noticed my sweet baby boy ( 6 ft tall or not) has the penis of a man.
I was shocked....and I did the only think I could. I pointed....and I screamed "Franks and beans....FRANKS AND BEANS!"
Now.
You would think this would shock my child, but no. He rolled his eyes and said "Anyway Ma, don't forget my friends are coming over okay? Love you G'night."
People never told me this. And so I say to YOU. One day you will discover that your child has the junk of a man, and you will be prepared.
You're welcome.
Nose picker.
I really wish 3 year olds wouldnt fight with me.
"Mrs. Beanie...." A little girl softly whispers.
"Yes Squish?"
"Can you put on some Micheal Jackson for me?" Her huge blue eyes stare into mine. So bright they almost hurt.
"Course I can."
I make my way over to the radio and pick out a properly amazing song "Change the world".
I thought it was appropriate due to the fact that today is MLK day and we were making lovely art to celebrate his birthday.
I sway to the music and the children swarm around me. They giggle and proclaime me "Silly!"
From my left I hear a grumble "That is NOT Micheal Jackson."
I smile and reply... "Yes it is."
He stands up and faces me "NO IT'S NOT!" His body vibrated with the force of his Yell.
I turn and face him, my eyes skinnying up "Yes it IS...."
"NO it's not. That is not Micheal Jackson!"
Okay. The kid is starting to raise my ire. I close my eyes...breathe....realize that, Hey, who cares if the twirp doesn't believe me? He's 3.
I turn my back and dance with the children....And I hear the child plop himself in a chair. "You are all dancing to something ELSE, that is NOT Micheal Jackson!" And he proceeds to laugh.
The little girl, with the bright blue eyes starts to frown.
She stops dancing.
I see tears.
I walk over to the little boy, "How old are you?"
"Three."
"I'm Thirty Three and I am telling you this IS Micheal Jackson!"
"Is NOT!"
"Is too!"
"Is NOT!"
"Is Too!"
(Yes...I'm arguing with a 3 year old.)
A co-teacher walks by the room and laughs. "Beanie!" She screeches...she keeps walking.
"Is NOT!"
"IS.TOO..Infinity times 12 no take backs Pfffft!"
The child stares at me....Prolly cuz he doesn't know what infinity is. My heart swells with the pride of winning the "is not" game, which, if you didn't know...is BIG in Preschool. HUGE.
He keeps staring at me. "Plus...you eat your boogers. That means I'm automatically always right. The end."
He stood there for a second. Then he ran over to us.... "hey...Mrs.Beanie...Can I dance to Micheal Jackson too?"
"Of course you can."
And we danced.....
The "Is not" game ALWAYS works!
"Mrs. Beanie...." A little girl softly whispers.
"Yes Squish?"
"Can you put on some Micheal Jackson for me?" Her huge blue eyes stare into mine. So bright they almost hurt.
"Course I can."
I make my way over to the radio and pick out a properly amazing song "Change the world".
I thought it was appropriate due to the fact that today is MLK day and we were making lovely art to celebrate his birthday.
I sway to the music and the children swarm around me. They giggle and proclaime me "Silly!"
From my left I hear a grumble "That is NOT Micheal Jackson."
I smile and reply... "Yes it is."
He stands up and faces me "NO IT'S NOT!" His body vibrated with the force of his Yell.
I turn and face him, my eyes skinnying up "Yes it IS...."
"NO it's not. That is not Micheal Jackson!"
Okay. The kid is starting to raise my ire. I close my eyes...breathe....realize that, Hey, who cares if the twirp doesn't believe me? He's 3.
I turn my back and dance with the children....And I hear the child plop himself in a chair. "You are all dancing to something ELSE, that is NOT Micheal Jackson!" And he proceeds to laugh.
The little girl, with the bright blue eyes starts to frown.
She stops dancing.
I see tears.
I walk over to the little boy, "How old are you?"
"Three."
"I'm Thirty Three and I am telling you this IS Micheal Jackson!"
"Is NOT!"
"Is too!"
"Is NOT!"
"Is Too!"
(Yes...I'm arguing with a 3 year old.)
A co-teacher walks by the room and laughs. "Beanie!" She screeches...she keeps walking.
"Is NOT!"
"IS.TOO..Infinity times 12 no take backs Pfffft!"
The child stares at me....Prolly cuz he doesn't know what infinity is. My heart swells with the pride of winning the "is not" game, which, if you didn't know...is BIG in Preschool. HUGE.
He keeps staring at me. "Plus...you eat your boogers. That means I'm automatically always right. The end."
He stood there for a second. Then he ran over to us.... "hey...Mrs.Beanie...Can I dance to Micheal Jackson too?"
"Of course you can."
And we danced.....
The "Is not" game ALWAYS works!
Evolution.
I have come to believe that women have evolved in such a way, that we no longer crave Mr.Right.
We crave Mr.Ridiculous.
Example #1: (Right)
Late 30's
Great career
No children
not hilarious...but funny.
Intelligent
Polite
Sweet
Loves kids
Loves Dogs
Thoughtful
BUT...
Is unattractive to me in every way
I find him entirely TOO nice
I think he is absolutely TOO polite. (no need to apologize to the dishrag for stepping on it)
When he is UBER sweet, I find it kind of a turn off.
When he texts me, telling me that he is thinking of me. I sorta find it clingy.
Example #2 (Ridiculous)
Mid 20's
No career
No real education
Practically comes from another planet
AND...
His laugh makes me warm and fuzzy
I could stare at him for hours
Is competent at both Food AND Water fights
If he stepped on a dishrag, he would NOT apologize. He would pick it up and make it his bitch.
The above mentioned would make me pee from laughing.
Makes my tummy warm and fuzzy
Makes me laugh, even when I'm so pissed off my eyes cross.
Now. How is this right?
I have struggled and tried. I have stared at the first man with such concentration...hoping the next time I saw him...he would be exciting, hilarious, and fuzzy tummy inducing.
Negative.
That's not just it. I believe I have cracked the myth of many marriages. (Liz and Jody's aside)
I myself was married for 13 years, please remember. And in no way was it horrible.
It was perfectly fine.
It was meh.
Being a divorced woman, in her early 30's...I have come across so many women, who once were so in love....simply to find out. It was a lie, or at least a perfectly smoothed over untruth.
They were miserable, They were Gay, They were abused....But they married...know why?
Because they thought that they should. Because it was the right thing to do.
When I got divorced, you would have thought HORNS grew out of my head. I was an evil breaker-upper of the sanctity of marriage.
(Dawn was too..neener)
Dawn and I went from so many friends to just us.
And now??? *gasp* Hahahaha...Percentage wise, how many of these women are divorced? How many of these women have confided in us, that they WISH to be?
Pffffftttt.
Most of em.
But as I have worked, Met many AMAZING women (both parents and co-workers) at least 75 percent of these amazing women (or men...I love the gays) Are with Mr.Rediculous.....Why?
"He makes me laugh."
"He's good with my kids"
"The man fucks like a Porn Star"
"No body has ever pissed me off and turned me on as much as him!"
"He's my bestfriend."
"He's my soulmate"
I have come to the conclusion that MEN are not the issue here, we women are. We have evolved. We work, we pay bills. We no longer need a provider. (Would it be nice? SURE as long as Mr. Ridiculous can find a job...which he can't...but whatever.)
It's all of our fault.
"Where are all of the nice guys?"
He's right there.
He's boring
He's shaves his armpits
He wears bad shoes
He has huge nostrils
He is a fatty
He is a little too soft spoken.
So the next time Mr.Ridiculous makes you cry, or cup-o-farts you. Simply blame it on the evolution of women.
We crave Mr.Ridiculous.
Example #1: (Right)
Late 30's
Great career
No children
not hilarious...but funny.
Intelligent
Polite
Sweet
Loves kids
Loves Dogs
Thoughtful
BUT...
Is unattractive to me in every way
I find him entirely TOO nice
I think he is absolutely TOO polite. (no need to apologize to the dishrag for stepping on it)
When he is UBER sweet, I find it kind of a turn off.
When he texts me, telling me that he is thinking of me. I sorta find it clingy.
Example #2 (Ridiculous)
Mid 20's
No career
No real education
Practically comes from another planet
AND...
His laugh makes me warm and fuzzy
I could stare at him for hours
Is competent at both Food AND Water fights
If he stepped on a dishrag, he would NOT apologize. He would pick it up and make it his bitch.
The above mentioned would make me pee from laughing.
Makes my tummy warm and fuzzy
Makes me laugh, even when I'm so pissed off my eyes cross.
Now. How is this right?
I have struggled and tried. I have stared at the first man with such concentration...hoping the next time I saw him...he would be exciting, hilarious, and fuzzy tummy inducing.
Negative.
That's not just it. I believe I have cracked the myth of many marriages. (Liz and Jody's aside)
I myself was married for 13 years, please remember. And in no way was it horrible.
It was perfectly fine.
It was meh.
Being a divorced woman, in her early 30's...I have come across so many women, who once were so in love....simply to find out. It was a lie, or at least a perfectly smoothed over untruth.
They were miserable, They were Gay, They were abused....But they married...know why?
Because they thought that they should. Because it was the right thing to do.
When I got divorced, you would have thought HORNS grew out of my head. I was an evil breaker-upper of the sanctity of marriage.
(Dawn was too..neener)
Dawn and I went from so many friends to just us.
And now??? *gasp* Hahahaha...Percentage wise, how many of these women are divorced? How many of these women have confided in us, that they WISH to be?
Pffffftttt.
Most of em.
But as I have worked, Met many AMAZING women (both parents and co-workers) at least 75 percent of these amazing women (or men...I love the gays) Are with Mr.Rediculous.....Why?
"He makes me laugh."
"He's good with my kids"
"The man fucks like a Porn Star"
"No body has ever pissed me off and turned me on as much as him!"
"He's my bestfriend."
"He's my soulmate"
I have come to the conclusion that MEN are not the issue here, we women are. We have evolved. We work, we pay bills. We no longer need a provider. (Would it be nice? SURE as long as Mr. Ridiculous can find a job...which he can't...but whatever.)
It's all of our fault.
"Where are all of the nice guys?"
He's right there.
He's boring
He's shaves his armpits
He wears bad shoes
He has huge nostrils
He is a fatty
He is a little too soft spoken.
So the next time Mr.Ridiculous makes you cry, or cup-o-farts you. Simply blame it on the evolution of women.
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Updating....
I moved some of my favorite blogs from Myspace to here. A friend asked where my blogs were, I guess her wife wants to read my ramblings.
"Oh god...ummmm...." Then it sorta made me sad That i didn't even know where to tell her to go.
I looked at Dawn. "Where would she go?"
"Ummmmmmm..." Dawn shook her freckily face.
I squinched up my face and replied "Myspace?"
"oh GOD!" Brandee huffed "People still go there?!"
It was then that i decided to update this blog.
The end.
"Oh god...ummmm...." Then it sorta made me sad That i didn't even know where to tell her to go.
I looked at Dawn. "Where would she go?"
"Ummmmmmm..." Dawn shook her freckily face.
I squinched up my face and replied "Myspace?"
"oh GOD!" Brandee huffed "People still go there?!"
It was then that i decided to update this blog.
The end.
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