What the FUCK do women want?

This is a sequel to my blog about what men find attractive in a woman. Which, was intensely interesting to me, but I was writing blind.

THIS blog is about men and what makes them hunks of love, or douchebags, and that my friends is MY cup of cock....er ..tea.

I can tell you that in my 20's, my idea of the perfect man had a 'type'. Tall, dark hair, light eyes, perfect teeth, lovely ass and veiny arms. I love veiny arms.

 (I wonder if veiny arms leads to veiny penises, but that makes my mind move in a different direction... We will save that for another day.)

As I have matured and my friends have as well, I notice that the core of a man is what is important. WHO he is. Qualities that sustain a relationship, both in friendship and love.

So lets start with me:
Attraction:

I like a man who is funny, but not annoying. Intelligently funny, not fart noises funny. That gets old really really quick. If you can make me laugh when I didn't even know I was going too. We're all good you and I. In fact a lot of the time, I wont even notice how someone looks until they have made me laugh. And THAT will make me look up to see if you are cute.

Intelligence is important as well. I consider myself an intelligent woman, let me at least believe that you can be smarter then I am. But don't be a douche about it. No I cannot reprogram a computer on a whim. But if you give me the manual I will figure it out.

I am a social butterfly. (My friends call me an attention whore, but whatever.)
I love to talk to people, say whatever is on my mind and make people laugh.
I am attracted to men who can do the same. (and can handle that I do it)

I love men doing men things with their friends. I love beer and hanging out and scratching balls. Whatever. Men are pigs and they are lovely because of it. I am a firm believe that men need to be around other men and do whatever men do together. Talk about vagina, fart, slap their balls together, what have you.
It is a mystery what they do. And I like it to stay that way.

I love a snappy dresser. I will not lie. I notice a man who dresses up a little. I love the pressed shirts and the ties. Growl. I love shiny shoes and when a man cares enough to groom. It just makes me want to mess it all up and bite them someplace naughty.

I love confidence. That's sexy to me. And I am also attracted to thinner men. No fatties. Ironic right?

I love men who are compassionate and help people, but never feel that they have to tell anyone about it. They do it because THEY care.

A Man who can laugh at himself,  Me and then the both of us together.

And last but maybe most important: sexual attraction.

When I use to host pleasure parties we use to talk about pheromones. Pheromones are tiny molecules which attract two animals of the same species.

There is a special organ in the nose which detects and reacts with these pheromones.
Now. You cannot SMELL pheromones. Your body will just naturally react to them.
They can react poorly, which makes you want to avoid someone, or they cause you anxiety.

Or they can make you want to fuck someone's face off.....It's science yo.

I tend to listen to my Pheromones. If those bitches are pointing me someplace. There is a good reason. You shouldn't EVER argue with nature.

(Plus I think that Pheromones are the cause of a lot of those "I didn't MEAN to fuck her. She slipped and fell onto my penis" stories.... But I will leave that for another day.)

Unattraction:

This list can be long so lets do it fast.
I do not find men attractive who shave their armpits, have large nostrils or bad breath. I do not enjoy a man who is rude and doesn't know how to open doors, change tires or kill icky bugs for women.

Regardless of how you physically appear, you are buttfaced if you are: A bad dad, mean to animals or are addicted to any form of alcohol, pills or substance that is not my vagina.

If you cannot see the absolute and UTTER  joy in Santa clause and will not giggle about the house hiding presents and eating cookies. (And be okay that my Christmas tree is still up next to my bed)

If you tell me how much you spent on something and I didn't ask, you are an ass.
If you brag. You are an ass.
If you complain about people in office but you did not vote. You are an ass.
If you judge others beliefs, but have none of your own. You are an ass.
If you are a Gay hater, I will kick you and call you an ass.
If you are not funny or boring. Bleh.

You see why I am single yeah?

So. Lets see what is both ATTRACTIVE and UNATTRACTIVE to other women.



#1 Married
Initially would be the smile, eyes, and voice. Physically is the V line and arm muscles and chest. Characteristically has to make me laugh, smart, and shows sensitivity.
To me what is I unattractive is being talked down to and baby talk.


#2 Committed long term relationship

What I find initially and physically attractive in man is his height and an ungreasy appearance. That would be the only thing I would physically look for aside from a sexy tattoo and or piercing or two.

Once he were to speak, honestly, his physical appearance no longer is an issue to me. After all looks fade. Tattoos stretch out and piercings leave weird holes when we are old.

What I find attractive is someone who takes the time to understand why I feel act or cry instead of brushing it off to illness or drama. Someone who I can laugh with but feel comfortable enough to vent to. Someone who wants to put me first, not all of the time but the times when it matters.

Someone who just for one day would stop everything they are doing to try to take my pain away or smile. Someone who I can see myself snuggling on the couch with all day when my children are gone and he give me the feeling of safety warmth and comfort.

 

Physically would be greasy hair and or skin...ew yuck showering is inexpensive and fast. Put a little thought into your appearance but not too much. I want to be the pretty one.
On the inside what I find unattractive is selfishness, not willing to give to Someone in need of emotional love. Someone who can walk away when they see someone cry. Someone who is never happy with what they have right in front of him and still craves for more.

 

Oh and someone who can take and illness or weakness and turn that against you and turn you into someone you're not...jackass

#3 Married

That they have a great personality & their eyes. 2. Their attitude of being all that.

#4
1. Initially, their smile and their confidence.
2. Bad hygiene. Arrogance. When they talk too much about themselves.

 

 

 

#5 Married

Initially, if not based on a conversation where there felt a connection, im attracted to height and a natural wedge shape. This doesn't matter however, if i talk to a man and his attitude sucks, he is too cocky, or has a horrible voice lol. Unattractive physical features: too skinny, too fat, super short, distasteful face expressions. For me pretty much all physical features either become more beautiful or more ugly to me based on the person's attitude and personality, for males or females.

non physical or personality characteristics...oh man, I love a country working man. Dirty jeans, worn out hats, old trucks, broke in boots, callouses, outside smell, even grease or engine smells....anything that tells me that man knows how to handle hard work and use his hands

mmm HMM!

#6 Married
1. Physically eyes, characteristically sense of humor
2. Body Oder and smoking

 

#7 Married
A man who makes u smile just by smiling at u.. needs to have all his teeth and must have nice shoes (idk why but I always look at the shoes) lol and a smooth personality
I can't stand a man who brags about himself and who assumes they are better then others.. being cocky don't get u very far with Me :))

#8 Single
1. Initially, his energy. he has to have good energy, physically has to be his eyes and smile, and characteristically has to be a great sense of humor.
2. I think lying and cheating is very unattractive in a man. If you can't tell the truth and be faithful, then you should just stay into your own self


#9 Married
Physically first of all they have to be a manly man. fI i am more than a man than they are no thank you. They have to be tall. They have to have nice big hands. I want hands that look like they work for a living but also that they are taking care of. No fat men. Meaty is ok but not fat.
Characteristically: They have to be able to put up with my assertiveness. They have to have a willingness to change and grow from who they are. They have to be intelligent, if I can't have a conversation about politics, the latest studies in relationships, the issues that effect the world then they must move on. They MUST have a good work ethic. I need a good sense of humor. Must be willing to try new things in the bedroom, that is very important. Must like dogs. Shit i could go on forever.
Unattractive: metro sexual men. Men that take longer to get ready than i do. Men who think they do not need to grow. Uneducated men. Men that do NOT laugh out loud. Men with no drive. .


#10 Married
I like a man that makes me laugh and feel good about myself and has my back. A man that is open and honest. Of course having a big arms is a plus but it really is the personality and the way they make you feel. A man that has there shit together and goals in life....family, home etc

.I don't like man that brag and think they are better than other people or you if you make more money. My ex was intimidated that I had a gd job and was independent instead of seeing it as we can go far together and accomplish so much together. My husband has all great qualities that attracted me and this is why I married him...plus he has a bad ass car "lol


#11 Married

A nice smile, and intelligent

 Bad teeth

#12 Single

A great smile and nice teeth are the first thing I notice:)...
Physically his outward appearance isnt everthing but if I could but in an order hw would b at keast 5'10 with big shoulders for me to lean on and strong arms to be able to give me great hugs♥
Characteristicically..easy going. Happy

The unattractive would be anger worh a temper!

#13 Married
1. The most alluring physical characteristic are the eyes. I still remember the first time I met Elmee and his eyes. When he spoke to me there was this connection without even any physical touch. Even now, after a long hard day at home with the kids, that loving glance without any words at all says, "I love and appreciate you, my love..."
Humor tops my list of favorite characteristics. Someone who can be silly and goofy and make me laugh until I pee my pants has definitely got my heart!
2. An unattractive heart. One without an empathetic soul who is self centered. Yuck!

#14 Married
Most men are definitely physical but if he loves race cars and you just hammered the race track but you may not be that attractive but he may find you irresitable.


#15

1. Smile and body

2. Cockiness

 

#16 In a relationship

 I like eyes, pretty blue or icy green eyes
Character...brains, I can't stand stupidity, and a sense of humor :)

  Do you want a list??? LOL
•Ego
•Stupidity or lack of intelligence
•Chauvinism
•A man with kids that doesn't put them first and foremost
•body odor and all around poor hygiene

 

#17 In a relationship

He has to be okay looking and be a gentlemen

.....not employed is a turn off.

 

#18 Married

Looks aren't much but when i see a man with a child it makes me melt when they are in daddy mode.
A man that thinks he's gods gift to women. And someone who thinks women would be lucky for a women to have him.

 

#19 Married

 A nice smile, broad shoulders, a good sense of humor.
 A big ego

 

 

 

#20 Single

Ummm, his smile (no jacked up teeth yo!) and must have a sense of humor!!
Unattractive, jacked up teeth yo!!! He can't be conceited, or have nasty hands (like E.T fingers w/the nails all chewed up gross!!!)

 

#21 Married

Good looks of course, but if his attitude sucks, nm! Lol

 

 

#22 Married...A Loooooong time!

Personality and smile initially. I like a carefree man since I tend to be high strung and Have to be in control!  

 Bossy men (that is my job!) :) I don't find smoking attractive at all and they have to put family first.

 

 

#23 Single

Physical first. confidence. they MUST MUST MUST Make me laugh, a little bad boy(not jail like bad boy) I Know ur gonna hate: This, but i need a little swag. but he has to b smart! !!!! Intellectual stimulation a MUST!!! Oh n he has to b skinny And EAT GOOD PUSSY Oh n imma kisser if he cant kiss,,buh bye, ,,,

stupid. cant make me laugh...My EX! look his Name up and he's everything I'm not attractive to!

(a chunky guy took me out...n i like skinny guys.. but his ass acted like he was the sexiest thing on earth so i started thinking he was lol.)

 

 

 

#24 Married
 

Physically- broad shoulders, nice smile, must be taller than me (although that's not difficult).
Characteristically- great sense of humor, confident but not cocky.
2. Unattractive- immaturity, cockiness, someone that lies, disrespectful to others.

 

 

#25 Married

Oh boy. Okay. a) smile, nose, eyebrows, hands, feet, breath-- the way he dresses. b) honest, transparent, sense of humor, loving, romantic, the way he communicates. 2. Bad breath, arrogance, secretive, bad sense of humor.

 

 

#26 Married

I like a strong man. Someone I know can get things handled. Someone reliable, honest, and secure.
A musician is the hottest thing possible so if they can play a guitar, even better!!

Unattractive- a bully! I hate when men are too aggressive. There is space between assertive and aggressive and I like a man that is comfortable in that pocket. I would also be way turned off if a man farted and burped and otherwise had bad manners in front of me... Ever.

 

 

#27 Single

Initially looks, I like stalky men preferably covered in tattoos with facial hair. They have to be some what edgy but caring as well funny where they can joke and be poked fun at but be sensitive enough to know when joking and sarcasm has gone to far.

Unattractive are little skinny Minnie's I need a guy that can protect me also if they are to needy.
Hope that helps :-)

 

 

#28 Engaged

I am attracted to a man with confidence. I am weird and love big strong hands. I love a man to look like a man. A man who is sensitive and can connect with a women and really try to understand. A man who is old fashion and who values morals and beliefs. A man who is respectful to women and understand that yes women are different and not going to say... Oh you must be on your period!

Unattractive... Sorry a man who smells bad or has dirty hands. I mean I love a manly man who can get dirty working on a car, but do they clean up well. A man who is disrespectful and negative. I don't want to listen to someone who thinks they are better than everyone and blames their infortunes on others.

#29 In a relationship
An attractive man has to be for sure HARD WORKING, no lazy, out going, family person, great personality, has goals, thinks with his upper head & not his pee pee
Physically.. Goatie, tattoos, a lil chubby, and especially good teeth...
Unattractive- Hmm well some can get to clingy, when they have a lot of women txtn them, bar hoppers,


#30 Married
The first thing I notice in a guy is his smile.... his teeth. I find a tall man very attractive. For me I like a man who has a good sense of humor and is fun. I want a man that can make me laugh and play games. I want a man who has things in common with me.
A man who is shallow, materialistic, and controlling is a turn off. A man who is boastful and has to one up other people. Moodiness and a bad attitude.


#31 Married
What do I find attractive in a man?
Physically - overall good health, cute butt, nice smile, pretty eyes, good hair.
Mentally - social conscientiousness, a sick and sarcastic sense of humor, intelligence
What is unattractive?
Physically - bad teeth, poor hygiene
Mentally - misogyny, arrogance, stupidity


#32 Single
I'm attracted to funny men...like real humur, not dirty joke type of humor. A great smile does it for me as well. What's unattractive is the way a man speaks...if a man speaks to me and its flat or ghetto and I'm educated my stomach hurts lol that's no lie

SO that's it. The long and short of it. They covered most everything except penises. So I shall. It is especially nice when a man grooms his neither regions. No one likes pubic hair lodged in their throat. That includes us women. (or maybe it is just me....or maybe I am the only one it matters too...never the less any man reading this should know that.)

Also, even though you cannot help it if your penis is small or irregular shaped. That matters.

If you have a small penis and your wife, husband or lover regularly spouts to the world "It's not the size that matters! It's how they use it!" She is lying to you, but she does it because she loves you and is stuck with your penis. Forever.
Or she doesn't love sex, which works in your favor.

I know, I know...little guys need love too. Just not from me.

 

Saying goodbye...

The first time that I said goobye to a child, I cried.
I tried not too.
The mom looked at me funny when I asked her to please call me and let me know how he is doing. She snorted as they left.

His name was Ryan. And he was was 2. He wore the most awesome shark shoes ever and his feet were adorable.
I have never seen feet that cute to this day.
He had a laugh that was infectious and he is now 8 years old.

As he walked away, looking over his shoulder at me with tears in his eyes, I knew that I had a problem in this field.

My Kindercare co-teacher at the time was horrible. She was a fucking bitch.  I felt like I had to constantly save the children from her. And for the first entire month in there, I had laryngitis. SO I could only whisper.

My first day in that class I watched her tear Ryan's blanket out of his hands.
He screamed and fell to the floor.
His heart was broken. He wanted his mommy and then the bitch took his blanket. How sad.

"Stop it. Go sit down, you are fine." she said to him and walked away.

I walked up to his cubby, grabbed the blanket and gave it back to him, smiling at her the whole time.

"What are you doing??!!" She yelled. "They want to carry those around and they get dirty! THIS IS A BUSINESS!  IM GOING TO GET IN TROUBLE!"

Ryan had grabbed his blanket, stuck his fingers in his mouth and placed his head against my leg. squeezing it as she yelled.

I walked up to her and had to whisper "This is not a business. This is a baby. Do not yell in this classroom again."

She laughed. "This is my class."

I whispered back "This is their class."

I knelt down to Ryan. "When you are done with your blanket. Will you put it away in your cubby so boogers don't get on it?"

He nodded. Released my leg and sat down for snack.

5 minutes later he brought me his blanket. "Okay Beanie, I am done." he whispered.

After that, the teacher would not help me with anything or speak to me in anyway. Which was fine. She sat there in the corner on her cell phone and I took charge.

Soon enough that bitch got fired.

Then Ryan left. I cried and told myself It was only because it was my first child.

Nope.

An older teacher once told me "You have to get that under control Beanie. It is the name of the game here. We teach, they leave. It always happens. You cant let yourself love them like that."

6 years later finds me in the same predicament only on a larger scale.

How can I spend every single day with a child and not love them? How can I hold them when they cry, help them when they cannot write and not love them?

How can I ask them to trust me and open up their hearts to me, without doing the same in return?

I cannot.

When I look at my sea of children that are sitting at my feet in circle time I do not see a class. I see individual children who have grown in individual ways. I see a child who could not even sit in class, folding his legs and sitting "proper" I see a boy who could not keep his hands to himself telling another one "I do not like that. No thank you!" and moving away.

Every day, over and over it happens.

"Ms.Beanie! That is an exclamation mark!"

"Ms. Beanie! I found 25cents. Its a quarter so that's 25 cents. Do you want it or can I take it home just this once?"

I see children that I have helped empower, teach and laugh waiting with baited breath to unveil their magical qualities to the world.

I am proud of them.
I love them.
They have become mine.

Every year, I also have children that do not want to leave my class.
"Can you talk UP kindergarten?" Parents ask

I always say yes.
I always do.
I talk about what amazing teachers they are, and of course I personally KNOW all of them. They are my friends who cannot wait to see them!

Yes. I lie. But whatever....

As much as I am going to miss my babies. My job has a purpose. It is to ready the lucky students of Buhach for kindergarten.

And they have to go. So Id rather they do it confidently then sad.

And there Is only one child who has seen through my facade.
One child, who no matter what I have said, promised or coerced...manages to yell "NO!" at every discussion of Kindergarten.


On Thursday, before graduation, I was stressed to the max.

The slideshow that I had made for the parents had disappeared from the computer and I knew that what I needed was a squeezie.

(A squeezie, incase you do not know, is a hug with your whole heart.)

I walked into my classroom at naptime, and promptly lay down beside Mason. He smiled and lay his head right over my heart. "Are you freaking out?" he said.

"yep."

"You know that my birthday is not for a long time away...almost Halloween." His eyes had that far off look, like his mind had skipped ahead over all of the months, peeked into October, and to him that seemed to be forever away.

"I know."

Then he got shy. Which Mason doesn't usually do with me. "I'm going to have a StarWars party, so you will come."

I could have told him that I will go to his party whether it was star wars or not. Instead I said "Cool. I'm totally ganna steal a goodie bag."

"Yeah." He smiled "So why are you freakin out?"

" The movie I was working on disappeared. It's FREAKING me out." I said

"My mom says if things get broken, like my leggos. Then I can build it again and not get mad."

"Yeah. Your mom is wicked smart. So you think I should just build it again?"

"Yeah. My mom says so and she is right a lot."

"Okay. Beijo?"

He kissed my cheek and I stood up.

Four year olds (and their moms) are smart.

They come, They learn, They leave, only now it is better because we have loved each other as well.

And they walk away leaving us both better because of it.

To the moon....

On Thursday evening I stood in my bedroom.

I did not know what I was supposed to be doing. Maybe I was in shock. I am not sure.
All I know is that there was absolutely nothing in my brain. I didn't know what I was doing, what I needed to do, or what I had already done, to get ready for this moment.

1995

I remember watching my fellow seniors graduate from High school. I sat In the seats, and quite honestly I was a little embarrassed. But I went to support Shanes dad. I sat there and held onto Shane and thought that I was the luckiest of them all, because I had him.

That day I had leaned down to whisper to him "When you graduate high school, I will be there and I will be proud of you."

2013

That day had come too soon.

And I just stood there in my room, looking at the 5 dresses placed out on my bed.
And I muttered "There are clothes. I need to put them on. I need to get dressed." Over and over again for 5 minutes I muttered.

My brain finally caught up with my mutters and I did what I was supposed to.

The whole time that I stared into the mirror placing eye shadow and foundation, eyeliner and mascara ....a conversation kept repeating in my memory.

1999

Shane was 4 and we were outside perched on the concrete steps of our apartment.

It was night and we both couldn't sleep. We were picking out constellations.

"What do you want to be when you grow up Shane?"

"I don't know. What can I be momma?"

"You can be anything in the entire world and thereafter."

"What do you want me to be?"

"I want you to be whatever your dream is. Whatever your heart desire is. If you want to be a ballerina, then I will be in the front row, holding signs and screaming your name."

"You would?" He giggled

"Absolutely."

He stared up at the night sky and sat down on my lap. He reached down and grabbed ahold of both my hands and he wrapped them around himself.

"When I grow up, I want to fly all the way up to the moon, and sit on it."

"You do?" I laughed

"Yes."

"Then you shall."


2013

I stared into the mirror and told myself "Do not cry. Do not." I blinked and blinked and breathed.

"Mom it is about time."

I turned and Shane stood there in his cap and gown. The 2013 sparkled in the light from the bathroom.  "Are you ready?" He asked.

I looked up at him and blinked and blinked. "I don't know."

"Ah momma, It's okay." He murmured and he leaned down to hug me. "You look beautiful."

We walked out of my room and I took pictures. And then climbed into the car. I stared at his cap all the way to the field and while we sat and waited all that I was thinking is how lucky that I am, and how fast it has gone by.

It has been the most magical time of my life. The happiest time, filled with wonder and pride. To be a mom is to be young. To provide for a child, and to encourage that childhood to be filled with magic and laughter, is to live your own childhood over again.

And I have not done it alone. And this is the time for me to say the things that I have not been able to say in person these last few days, I have tried and have found that my throat tightens and tears threaten.

To Amador:

Thank you for never doubting my mothering skills. Thank you for always doing your best. You were a teenage father as well, and you have always been there for Shane, even when it was difficult. Thank you for renting a car every other weekend for years simply to come and get Shane. Thank you for letting him be who he is and accepting that. For loving him always.
You have done an amazing job. And I am proud of you.

To Crystal:

Thank you for loving Shane. You have been an amazing presence in his life, and I am so happy that you are his step mom. Thank you for popping out brothers and sisters for him to love. I appreciate you and the wonderful things that you have taught Shane and shared with Shane throughout the years. I love you and appreciate you.

To Chris:

Thank you for loving Shane from the minute he was born. Thank you for allowing me 13 years to stay home with him and do all of the silly things that we got to do. We never would have had that time if it wasn't for you. Thank you for being a part of our family.

To Michelle:

When everyone walked out of my life you held my hand and held my son and got us through it. Though miles separate us now. And time passes much too quickly, you were an essential element to the decisions that led us up to this. I love you and appreciate every moment that you gave us.Thank you for being a part of our family.

To Dawn and Jesse:
Thank you for loving Shane before everyone in the world did. Thank you for being in the crowd with me. Thank you for helping us through his surgery. And the divorce. Thank you for the laughter and the family that we have become. Thank you Jesse for the times you stayed late to pick him up from theater. Thank you for speeding here to make sure he was okay.
Thank you for sitting through his 6th grade graduation in the sun and years later crying together, looking at highschool pictures from states away.
We will always be family, and he will always be our foof.

To Brandee and Mandy:

Thank you for filling a void. Thank you for the fart fights and the family dinners. Thank you for coming to all of his plays and for giving hundreds of rides home. Thank you for redbox nights and laughter always. Thank you for loving Shane and all of his decisions.
 Thank you for believing in us. Thank you for becoming our family.

Shane is so lucky to have all of you in his life. Thank you for helping him to become the amazing man that he is today, and no matter where his future takes him, whether it is to the Movies or the Moon, I know you all will be here as well, loving him.

Fate...

Dearest Shane,

The date is August the 21st, 1995 and you are 3 months old.
We just got back from taking a walk. You didn't like it too much, you screamed almost the entire time. You were hungry...like you mostly always are.

Even so, I enjoy you and our little "quiet" times together. It always makes me so happy.
I call you my little Angel that was sent to me from God, and I truly believe that you are. You make me so happy and have already taught me so much. You have taught me how to laugh at the smallest of things. To trust. But most importantly, you have taught me unconditional love.

And I thank YOU for that.

And I thank God for YOU.

People say that I have changed for the better since you have come into my life, and I believe that to be true. I am much happier now and much more patient.
I have come to learn that things happen for the best, and that you have to trust fate....and God.
I believe that God has our lives planned out for us already and that when bad things happen, it is really for the good of us.
You were no accident. You, Shane, were Fate. One that God had already perceived, thought out and planned.
If I could turn back time, I wouldn't change a thing. My life is so wonderful now that you have BECOME it. It is so fulfilling and I love you with all of my heart. I know that my love will only grow stronger for you as the hours, days and years pass by.

All of my love for eternity and there after,
                                        Your Mom.


Todays date is May the 19th 2013.
I used to write Shane letters every three months or so. I would include in the letters my feelings and world news and happenings.
I don't know why I did it, but I can tell you now, that I am so thankful that I did.

It is like seeing back into the past.

Reading these letters, I can see myself hunched over the typewriter, praying to God that I could type lightly, so as not to wake him.

I knew that I was an embarrassment to my family. Hushed tones would welcome me at every door. Sly glances at my burgeoning belly and snickers behind wicked fingers.
I remember feeling sad that I had let down my family.
I never liked to do that.
My father couldn't look at me for months.

But almost always, when my cheeks would brighten and my eyes would well up, a kick would come from beneath my heart, and I would know that I could be stronger for him.
And I was.
Even if, at first, it was all make believe.

 Soon he came into the world, and instead of kicking me from inside. He smiled at be from his crib. His head would pop up and his dimples would flash and I no longer had to pretend to be strong. I was.

I never had a mom. An honest to goodness "I gave birth to you and love you more then anything" mom. SO I was afraid that I would not know how to do it right. I was terrified that I would turn into my birth mother who left when I was a baby.

I had stepmoms who did the best that they could. But regardless, I always felt that she HAD to love me. Not that she necessarily did.

I never felt safe.

I was always scared.

And these feelings were not ones that I wanted my child to have to feel. Ever.

I know that parents have great expectations and that I did things in the wrong order, but right or right now. He happened. And he was a miracle.



I wish I could sit down beside my 17 year old self and tell her that she did the right thing. That everything would be okay. To just breathe.

And I wish I could tell EVERY young, single mother that is scared:

1. Always love your child's Father. Love him and respect him. Never EVER badmouth him. Keep everything from your relationship and put it in a shoebox to share with your child. Show him that he/she came from love. If he marries someone else, then love her too. Love her MORE. Respect her for the love that she gives to your child.
 Love the children that come from that union that are the brothers and sisters to your child.

If he cannot pay you child support, understand. Help him out. Let him see his son even more. Life is rough. Be a family.

2. You ARE going to fuck up. It happens. Figure out what you did, and fix it. Erase a bad situation with Two good ones.

3. Never belittle your child. NEVER discipline your child in front of others.(Unless absolutely necessary)
Just wait.
Don't yell.
 Always love them.
 If they break something, spill something or fuck up something please understand that they feel sad about it. Have them try to fix it, clean it and make it better. And end it with a hug.

4. Sometimes your child needs you to break them out of school and take them to a movie. So ditch school, ditch work and once a year make it happen. They will never forget those times.

5. Be silly. Build forts. Let them paint on the walls. Things are replaceable, but memories last forever.

6. Have family meetings. They help keep the Family unit stronger. Google it. Or email me. Ill help you out.

7. Give your child the freedom to have their own individuality. Let them wear boots under dresses and umbrella hats to school. I can tell you that both of my children KNOW who they are, and if YOU don't like it. It matters not one bit to them.

8. Raise strong humans, by being one yourself. If you can't handle life, how will you teach them to handle theirs.
If you aren't strong fake it.
If you cant smile, fake it.
If you still can't smile spend more time with your children. They will make you giggle.

9. Give the gift of humor. Sing silly songs. Understand that children forgive, so forgive them.

10. Cherish this. Cherish everything. The laughter, the potty training and the fuck-ups. Every moment is a memory. Take the time to cherish it.

I wish I could go back in time and do it all over again.
I wish I could watch Shane Power Ranger over my couch and teach him to swim. I have enjoyed every moment of the last 18 years together. It flew by in the blink of an eye.

In the whisper of a breath.
I can't believe it.

And I cannot help but believe in that little girl who wrote her son a letter. To know that Shane being my son was and is ....Fate.

Being a mom.

The first "Mom" lesson that I had ever learned was on the day of Shane's Birth.

My stomach was randomly tightening and I was standing in the emergency room with my Aunt and cousin Stephanie.

"Just get undressed and hop onto the table" The male nurse ordered me.

I stood there, one hand on my tightening abdomen and the other clutched into my shirt. I shook my head at him. In denial.

My aunt smiled. "I think she would like for you to leave the room" she informed the nurse.

He turned and murmured "How cute. She still has her modesty."

My cousin Stephanie laughed and hopped about excitedly. She was just happy that I was down visiting her in Newark when my son decided to show his huge headed face.

I shook my head and turned to my Aunt. "I uh...I changed my mind aunty. I don't think I am ready to have a baby. Kay? I'm not ready. Lets go now."

The nurse laughed, threw a hospital gown onto the table, and retreated from my unwinnable fight.

By the time my son made his appearance and after an un-medicated birth, I was quite sure that everyone AND their mother had looked at, put their hands up into and snapped multiple photographs of my crotch. And I didn't give a fuck.

IN FACT I was BEGGING people to shove fingers into my throat via my vagina. "AM I at 10 yet? Please check. I can't handle this anymore!"

Loss of Modesty. Mommy lesson number one.

After he was born I learned all of the best spots to breastfeed. I didn't hide my breasts for myself, but for the simple fact that other people seemed offended by my decision to feed both of my children in the way God intended.

But I no longer cared. As far as I was concerned 70 % of the population had already felt up my cervix. What was a little nipple?

I could often be heard asking people "Have you never seen a breast before?!!" I was 17 years old, and even I knew that these people were ridiculous.

Mommy lesson number two.

You will never poop alone again. EVER.

And I mean ever.

I used to breast feed Shane WHILE I was pooping.

Nevermind the fact that children MUST have internal sensors declaring the fact that Mommy is going to spend time on herself...(By pooping)

You can announce it to your husband. But even then the children will become wall climbing ninjas and hardcore parcore over his head while he leans forward to scratch his balls.

When the children have disappeared he will consider himself lucky that they have gone out to play and move forward with whatever television show, household project or vehicle that he is fixing.

All the while the door that you are pooping behind will be opened, banged upon or fingers will slide underneath of it.

A good day, is a day when I can poop alone and completely. Then I feel successful. Please keep in mind my children are 17 and 11. It still happens.

Mommy lesson number three.

You must become the greatest reaction actor this side of the Mississippi.

When your child says "Look what I can do!" And they spend 5 minutes preparing for their trick. They clear their throat for this trick and all of the while you are thinking of the minutes ticking by, of all of the things that you simply MUST do.

 THEN your child will become still and perform the AMAZING trick of jumping off of the ground 2 inches and gaze at you with amazement. (You have to watch closely because IF you miss it. The time starts over.)

In your mind you say "That was it? That is what I am waiting for? Are you serious? Have I raised a moron. 5 minutes really?" But in life your body jumps and your face moves as if you have just seen the most amazing feat of exceptional body magic.

You have to gasp in shock and MOAN in awe and why?

why?

So they can repeat it again in 5 minutes that's why.

and again and again for the rest of your life.

It will at first be two inch jumps and you will perfect it with drawings of yellow lines that are the next Mona lisas.

Get used to it. It never ends.

Deprevation.

Parents are almost always deprived. Of sleep, or food or of each other.

Once when Shane was 2 months old, I found myself holding him inside of our laundry room. Rocking back and forth and declaring that I would never let the Indians get my baby.
Yeaaah. That happened.

Unfortunately for me, that did not make me sleep any more, and no matter how many times that I tried to reason with my 2 month old....he never EVER listened. So I was deprived of sleep for quite awhile.

Being a mommy is hard.

Being a single mommy is FUCKING rough.

I never asked for help, I just occasionally woke up while rocking my "indian" baby.
It turned out aight.



I want to know why moms have to feed their own children a plate and then offer them their food as well. I never did that.

That is also probably why I am so fat.

Dammit. Why didn't anyone tell me.


With money with space and with clothing.

My daughter is like a tiny Borg, assimilating all of my shiny objects into her own room. I say she is a thief, but she argues that.

I am deprived of patience.

I am deprived of shoes. Shiny ones.

I am NOT deprived of messiness though, I have that in abundance.

Kisses fix (almost) EVERYTHING.

You learn early that a mommies kiss will fix practically everything. Kids automatically think that their moms are magic. It is embedded inside of them.

I just went with it.

Boo Boos and hurt hearts are the most commonly cured, and try as they might, daddy kisses just don't work.

The only things other then kisses that work are Songs and magic gloves. Both work wonders in my house. Neither child can stay mad if you sing to them. The music should rhyme and should be sung poorly. (You should try it on your boss. it works for mine as well.)

And Magic gloves. Once Shane had a headache SO bad that he could not move. He had to JUST HAD TO pee in a cup. It was THAT BAD!

Now I know that he just liked peeing in a cup, but at that time I took the cup pissing in exchange for him staying still for 3 days on my couch.
But I digress...

Once I was tired (and sorta bored) I ran to my nearest Walmart and purchased the latest, GREATEST pair of mittens. They were 76 cents and as far as Shane knew, they were magic.

I sat infront of him on the floor, crisscross and explained to him the importance of those gloves. That they had magic knit deeply inside of them.

Hie eyes were huge and filled with "HOLY SHIT" wonder.
He slipped them on and jumped off of the couch.

He immediately did the POWER RANGER stance and I declared him magically cured.

Magic Gloves. Who knew?

Laughter cures most moments. Just Give in.

When your chips are down and you are feeling fucking low.
Laugh.
Make your children laugh with you, that is even better.

Mommy-hood requires a great sense of humor.
It has gotten me through Emmas mystery grape poop (who knew raisens plumped back up?) and Shane digging in my fishtank, killing 5 fish because he wanted to make me "Fish sticks" for dinner.

A kitchen completely powdered with flour and a small blonde boy sitting in the middle of it all, stacking cans. What do you do?

Sit right next to him and find out why he thinks that is so amazing. Build powdery volcanoes and share a bubble bath afterwards.

When Shane was 7 he wanted to stay in bed ALL DAY.

"NO! We have things to do." I declared. Standing next to the bed he was tucked into.

"We can do them later."

"No. Get up, we really have to clean and get the yard ready for the party tomorrow."

He looked all comfy and cozy and snuggly.

He smiled.

"Fine. But you have to protect me."

"Okay from what?" He giggled as I climbed under the covers.

"The shark that is swimming around our bed!" I screamed

We stayed in bed ALL DAY and told stories. We snuggled and shared remember whens. We tickled and napped and watched movies. And later, that night we both got up and cleaned.

I can tell you that I do not remember that party. I do not even know why we had it and I do not know who had come. But I do remember that day. That precious moment that became a memory.

Motherhood is all about trial and error.
Finding the laughter in the hard things, but mostly for me...it has been just giving it all up. The perfectly clean house, the organized life.

Sometimes I look around and think that I should give my children perfection. Because they deserve it. But as Emma says "Perfection is Boring."

And I agree.

The Beauty of a Woman.

My favorite thing about men, and the reason that I gravitate twords a friendship with them, is the honesty that comes out of it. You can ask them anything and they answer it candidly.

I love my friendships with women as well, but when you are friends with a man, it is a different sort of honesty. Sometimes it is jarring, and rude. But it is almost always truth. And there is nothing that I appreciate more, in ANY relationship, then truth.

While having lunch with a friend last week, I was making fun of him and in turn he was making fun of me. That is just the way our friendship is. It makes me happy, but I'm not sure why.

I was making fun of the fact that he is a neat freak and would probably need gloves and a towel for sex. And he responded with..

"I would never lay ANYWHERE around you, or near you." He said with utter disgust on his face.

And  I was immediately filled with questions.

Why?

Am I not beautiful enough?

Am I not intelligent enough?

Am I too fat?

Am I too short?

Does my laugh grate on your nerves?

Is it my Bells Palsey? Maybe that is gross to you.

What is so unattractive about me to you?

I had to bite my lips to keep from asking him these questions.

I did not ask him those questions because :

A) I couldn't figure out, at that time, how to ask them without him thinking that he had hurt my feelings or him backtracking entirely. And I didn't want him too.  I also did not want him to say anything good about me, because as sick as it is. We just don't "roll" like that.

B) We were interrupted

C) The venue that we were lunching at was too public. Plus my lunch time was too short.

D) If he took it back, he would immediately take away the blog that was already stewing in my brain.


Now. Let me explain my brain.
I can latch onto a subject that interests me quite quickly and my brain will not be able to let it go until the questions that I need to have answered ARE.

And it became a quest. About men, and what they find attractive in a woman.

I asked Men, Lesbians and Transsexuals.
 
I asked older men, younger men and in-between men.
 
I asked single men and married men.
 
I asked Happily married men and Fake happily married men.
 
I asked religious men and non religious men.Their answers are below. You can match them by numbers or colors. M1, M2 ect...

What makes a woman beautiful?

M1) It is attractive that a woman is showing her beauty through her actions. It is not an age thing. I personally have a distaste for selfish people in general. If I see a woman of any age, from my daughter to my grandmother in law  showing kindness or doing acts if kindness, especially if no one is looking.

M2) Aside from a nice body, I would say how they look. Looks as in, do they seem like they're happy with life or themselves. Do they smile, would it be someone I could talk to on a daily basis. I also like a woman who's more natural that wears very little makeup.

M3) Natural Beauty not needing a lot of makeup.... Another thing I find attractive is self confidence. Physical beauty may be one thing but emotional and mental beauty is on another level with me. How one feels about themselves is very important. Mental competence and awareness, always able to find something positive or beautiful. Beauty doesn't have to be seen, it is more important to be felt and shared. That is attractive to me.

M4) Smile, sense of humor and confidence. Initially tits....over time smile... Physically I don't really have limitations.

M5) her personality makes her beautiful. I am physically attracted to green eyes and pretty smiles.

M6) Boobs and Butt initially. Someone who is classy. Intelligence is very important. If you are intelligent then you are never boring. My wife is attractive to me because of the way that she shows caring with others. How she is always positive about everything.

M7) A pretty face
A woman who takes care of herself
Happy
Independent
And of course a lamb in the streets but a tiger in the sheets!

M8) I prefer pretty women over "Hot" women....also, you should know that alcohol can make anyone attractive.

M9) Being sexy. Their eyes. You can see a lot about someone in their eyes. Their hair...the way they talk.

M10) A nice smile, willingness to use said smile, intelligence, being nice, friendliness, a good sense of style, and a nice butt.

M11) A nice vagina is attractive.

M12) Intelligence is number one. A positive attitude. Nice boobs. Really nice boobs. And someone who isn't boring.

M13)  A woman with a body like a woman. Not too skinny. intelligence. That is important.

M14) Have you ever heard someone laugh, and then YOU laugh, simply because they are?
 I can think that someone is bleh and then she laughs and that laughter becomes infectious to me. If you laugh at my jokes you are sexy to me. If you laugh at my penis I do not.
 I think that attitude is the most important part of being sexy. I think that a woman who believes that she IS beautiful....is. It is in her confidence.
A woman can have a plain face, but a beautiful soul. And that soul glows from within. That soul will outlast the most expensive makeup and the most skilled plastic surgeon. I guess to me the most beautiful woman is the one who is the most real. Who laughs the loudest. Who loves every moment... even the bad ones.

M15) A smile makes a woman beautiful. Boobs is a first attraction or what I at first.

M16) Are you going to be mad at me if I say "Id hit that?" I mean I'm nervous. You make me nervous. If I say something wrong then are you going to blog about it?

"Probably"

Stop laughing. Don't laugh. I'm not answering this.



What makes a woman Unattractive?

 M1) A woman can have gracefulness, and refinement and be unattractive because of the motives behind the actions. Someone who is physically attractive can open their mouth and their attitude and motives and selfishness shows, and "blehg" they aren't attractive anymore.

M2) Just say NO to cake faces! I mean how ugly are they to be covering up so much? Plus all that cooked tan skin and heavy makeup scream HIGH MAINTENANCE! Also, teeth are extremely important to me! If a woman isn't smiling I worry, because I think there may be horrible teeth she's hiding.

I like to know if a woman can be attractive OUT of makeup.

Plus all that tanning will be disgusting years from now!

Plus nobody likes a Debbie D. Depression Downer of Killjoy Village

M3) Being able to only see or share the negative and ugliness is a turn off.

M4) Personality wise prissy princes high maintenance types. Afraid to get dirty ect

M5) ignorance or playing "dumb" turns me off.

M6) I guess the opposite of what I was saying earlier. Someone who does not take care of themselves. You know...who does not even TRY to do something with themselves every morning. Someone who is NOT classy and who is unintelligent. Intelligence is very important.
Also....the kind of woman who is ALWAYS negative about EVERYTHING. No matter what you do, it is never enough. OR whatever YOU do she has done it better. Oh yeah...unattractive.

M7)  clumsiness is unattractive.
Smoking
Being loud and obnoxious (like ghetto girls)
Farting/burping
Bathroom stuff not being private
Getting drunk (not tipsy, but sloppy falling down, slurring, drunk).

M8) Anytime a woman utters the words "I can be a bitch" Yeah...that is unattractive to me.

M9) Smoking. You can be the MOST beautiful creature in the world. But I don't like smoking.

M10) Being mean, lack of intelligence, strongly held and poorly defended religious beliefs, lack of ability to self reflect, lack of thirst for knowledge

M11) Pshyco-ness is very unattractive.

M12) I guess the opposite of what I said. Stupidity..or someone who dumbs herself down. No boobs. And grumpy. I can't stand grumpy.

M13) I don't like women who are too skinny. And someone who has a bad attitude.

M14) I base unattractiveness on a case by case basis. If you are a woman who is all of the time negative. You are unattractive. If you have gorgeous heels on and bitch all of the time about my comic book collection. You are unattractive and your shoes become ugly too.
If you want to fight just because...That is most certainly ugly.

M15) A big mouth as in loud is a turn off.

M16) .........

In conclusion These were interesting questions to be asked. I noticed that the men who were married or had been married or in a long term relationship, answered with more character based answers.

In most men religion did not matter, unless it was considered to be a long term "relationship" . All men like boobs and some men were frightened of me.

In the end, Negativity and unintelligence seemed the most unattractive, while the reverse seemed to be the MOST attractive. Coupled of course, with tits and ass.

Home.

I have lived at this address for 13 years. Three of it were spent in a cramped teeny tiny brick house, that now sits rejected behind my new house.

It's name is bricky. In that home my daughter was born. Sometimes, I walk into it, leap over the boxes of Christmas decorations and try and remember how we fit inside of it.
But we did.

I swore to my then husband, that I would only live in it for one year.

One year turned into three and when my new home was nearly done, we crept inside of it with flashlights. I would oooh and ahhhh over the cabinets that I had picked out and my sunk in delicious bathtub.

In this home my daughter took her first steps, my son thought he was superman, leapt off of the swing set onto our trampoline.

He missed.

His broken arm and leg were a testament to that.

This home saw a divorce, which if it can be said, was a very nice and friendly one.

This home saw me go from a Domestic Goddess (SAHM) to a single mom who worked in the day and schooled in the night.

This home has seen me succeed and fail at this.

To my left is my neighbor. She has been here longer then I have. She is a very good neighbor to me. She has put my dogs back in when they get out, she has accepted packages for me when I was working too late.
She is a part of my neighborhood. An essential additive to the mix. She knows everyone IN my neighborhood.

My neighborhood is what I affectionately call the Ghetto. And thanks to my last boyfriend, I know entirely too much of what happens when all good people go to sleep at night.

To the left of my home are my Mexicans. They are never the same family, they cycle out from year to year and a new family moves in.
Regardless, they are always a Mexican one.

This is the reason that I love Mexican music. It automatically makes me feel like I am home.

This home has also seen the joy of Jordan inside of it, and the loss of him leaving.
It has seen me laugh with him, exclaim with joy AT him and make up songs to go with every routine that I had set in place FOR him.

It has also seen me weep at the loss of him in my life, and the strength that I found to move on with it.

Everyone in my neighborhood knows who I am. I am The Teacher. This is what they call me. This is what the refer to me as. And thanks, in part, to my ex-boyfriend, and to be perfectly blunt. Nobody fucks with me.

This morning as I wrote my blog. Sirens sounded far off in the distance.

Emma was asleep right next to me on the couch, her hair glinted in the sun that just peeked into my window.

She smiled in her sleep and opened her eyes.

Hearing the sirens she murmured "There's our rooster"

I paused in my tapping on the keyboard and laughed outloud.

"The sirens wake us up instead of roosters?"

"Mmmhmmm" she smiled.

"Oh honey. You know there are roosters right next door! And goats." (Once there was a cow)

When I was taking care of Jorden, People from the 'street'  would come by and exclaim at how wonderful he looked. They would ask after my family and offer any help to me that was needed.

They would thank me for taking care of him, and I always allowed them to hold him. He used to look at me like they were crazy. He would raise his arms for me and yell "Mama!"

After he was gone, my neighbor came to me with worried eyes. I know she wanted to talk about it. I know she knew where he was and what was happening.

I just shook my head and said "I can't. I don't want to hear anything...ever."

"Im sorry Laurie." she said and walked away.

Time has passed and laughter has returned to my lips and my heart. I know that everything, both good and bad, comes with a reason. Every person that we meet and accept into our lives, has come into it to change it in some way.

A pathway that is entirely too hard to see, until the stage has been set in its entirety.

I wake every morning with a smile on my lips. Laughter infuses my home at all times. I am in a good place.

This evening I decided that I had to buck up and do boy stuff. Like weed eating and such. I didn't want too. I hate it. With every fiber in my vagina I hate it.

I stood in the front yard with my grey sweatpants, star wars shirt and glitter boots on. I started the weed eater up cursing between my breath.

I love yard work, okay? Like flowers and shit. Making things pretty....that's what I'm good at.

I stopped the machine and yelled "I HATE THIS SHIT!" I screamed it. My hate scream echoed across the entire ghetto.

Lotsa people were out.

Lotsa people stared, but only for a moment.

I looked at my neighbor. "Why do I have to do this?"

She laughed "I don't know why you are."

"Someone has too. And I have no boybeast."

She came over to the fence and leaned against it. With her came a woman. One who I recognized. She reached her hand out to me and I shook it. She held it in her own "How are you Laurie? You look real good."

"Thank you." I said. Staring into her eyes. It was hard not to follow the trail of tears that were tattooed on her face.

But I did not.

You have to lean in close to hear her. He throat, I heard, was damaged in a choking in one of her prison stints. She wore a Hurley shirt with a hood pulled over her head.

She came around the fence and took the weedeater out of my hands. "Oh! No, you do not have to do that!" I exclaimed as she started it up.

"You stand there. Ill knock this out."

And she did. I caught up with the neighborhood gossip with Liz, and checked out the renovated house next door. One man showed me his bike that he had put a motor on and Liz offered to take Karma out for a walk every now and again when she seems bored or lonely.

When the woman was done weeding my entire front yard, she curled up my extension cord and handed it to me. "You don't need to be doing this stuff. I can do it for you."

"Oh no. I really appreciate it but..."

She took my hand "You are a friend to us. You remember that. We take care of our friends, best we can. You aint got a man, and I can do this shit better. You need me, you holler. And that's all." And she walked out of my yard.

When I came into my home I was smiling. "Who was that woman?" Emma asked. "Did she just do our yard for you?"

"Yes."

"That was nice."

"Yes."

"See? People judge others for the way they look. Or how they live. I bet there are rich fancy people that would judge us...and were fabulous."

"Yep."

"She had tattoos on her face huh. Does that mean she killed people?"

"Probably"

"Well...everyone deserves a second chance...or a third...." And she laughed.