Blinders..

On Thanksgiving, I sat in front of my computer twice, my fingers poised over the keys.

The Facebook asked me, rather nosey-ly I might add.

It was the day to post what we are thankful for....I would leave the chair and return several times. What am I thankful for?

 There is an elephant in the room on each of my days. On every morning upon waking and finding yet another baby shoe to trip on. On seeing Mrs. Maria at work, The sadness in her eyes mirrors my own.

In the empty backseat and the empty highchair. It sounds cold, I know, to ignore the fact that Jorden is gone. I can ignore it or embrace it and as of yet the thought of embracing the gaping hole inside of my heart is unbearable. Instead I bury it down...so deep down inside of me that it is muffled and cannot be heard, felt or touched.

I will take it out again when the pain as lessened and I can analyze my feelings as well as the reasoning behind the human beings who would do this.

My Daddy taught me, Your mind can play tricks ON you, or play tricks FOR you. And as of yet I am enjoying the tricks the mind plays for me. The numbing of my heart is automatic....It cannot be healthy. But there it is.

I am not the type to wallow. In grief, in depression or in the act of dispair.

I have to focus on something....anything...

I am thankful to those friends who helped me focus, when my eyes could not.

I am thankful for the place that I work. ( don't tell my boss) I love my job and I love all of the children housed in my classroom. My little tiny snotty squishes. Who make me laugh when I forget too.

I am thankful for friends who help me every single day. To laugh, to worry...to find the next thing to look forward too.

I am MOST thankful for Shane and Emma, who constantly amaze and thrill me with their humor, wit and laughter.

I am thankful for everything good. Every scrap of goodness that can come out of this world. I say a silent 'Thank you' for. The blink of a christmas light, the laughter of a child. The kiss between two people, even if I do not know them.

A smile, a new movie, and exciting event in someone elses life..... Feeds me happiness, Joy and Hope. I latch on to it like a succubus, drinking heavily and coming away fulfilled.

Handerpants...

I don't know how my sons head got so big.

I really don't. But it is.

I don't know how the time has flown by so incredibly fast. He is a senior. A SENIOR. In highschool.

WHAAAAAT?!

Yesterday afternoon he stumbles out of bed at noon. He sits at the edge of my bed and stares at the TV. I was walking past him, picking up laundry from the floor. (YES my floor. Who has time to make it in the hamper really?)

 Shane is intensely funny and most of the time I stare at him and my heart expands in my chest.

I shake my head, and thank whatever divine powers gave him to me and make a snarky comment about his waking up so late.

There is no way that my parents loved me as much as I love my children.

Emma is a beauty/genius who most of the time outsmarts Shane and I.

Our family unit is strong, funny and unabashedly...embarrasing for all of our friends.

Yesterday Shane's best friend (And EVERYONE KNOWS my favorite) walks through the door. I had just changed from my purple blouse and skirt, AKA my funeral attire, and layed down on the couch with Emma.

In my hand I held the remote, and because Jorden is not here this weekend BOTH doors were open, and there was a breeze wafting over my body.

Happiness.

Jose walks in, and I remember that I promised to take the boys to the Halloween store. My body tries to sink into the couch, but alas...It cannot because of the fatness.

"Hi JOSE!" I say in happiness.

"Hello Family. I wanted to make sure you were here."

I inwardly sigh, because at the moment the couch is THE most comfortable place in the history of the world. EVER. And my soft squishy daughter was laying on top of me. Her head against my left breast and her arms snuggled around my fat.

The T.V was paused on some ghost story and our toes, prior to Jose walking in, had been curled in fear.

"Let me go change." I say in excitment. (Who says patience is the most important thing to learn whilst parenting? Methinks it is fake happiness)

We get into the car.... Shane is nice and lets Jose sit in front. He squishes in the back with Emma. They immediately start hand slapping and arguing. "STOP FIGHTING!" I say.

I hear them whisper threats back and forth to each other while I talk to Jose in the front seat "Jose...what did you do yesterday?"

"Um..I worked."

"Seeee Shane? Jose worked! Why haven't you worked yet??? ....Jose do you have an F like Shane. Shane just got an F and it about broke my heart."

"Um...no...I have a C though."

"A C!!! What I would give for a C."

"MOM!...Uh...SEE JOSE! I am abused. Listen to my mom. I am going to call CPS and tell them my mommy abuses me and stuff."

"Oh go ahead. You are mean. You are a real bad bad boy!" I exclaim. "But I am just saying. Jose what did you do this morning?"

"Uhhhhh...." His eyes flick back and forth. I hear Shane utter "oh noo." In the backseat

"I uhhhh went to acollegetourthismorninggg." All in one sentance. Like he didn't want me to hear it.

"A College tour?! Shane! Why aren't we going on college tours?"

"Oh shit." Shane mutters behind me "Jose...just...stop making my mom like you more then me."

Which is just UNTRUE. Shane is perfect to me. He is hilarious and tall and a genius on stage. He has made lasting friendships and last week while getting shots at the doctors he asked the nurse if they would give him superpowers, simply because he would like to fly.

I just like to fuck with him.

We went to the Halloween store, and as we walked up I asked Jose if he was embarrased going out with Shane whilst he wore Handerpants and pajamma bottoms. He assured me that Shane was cool no matter what he wore, as long as he was comfy. (See why he is my favorite???)

While inside Emma started running around the store bumping into poor old ladies SIMPLY because I was slowly stalking her with a faceless mask.

We left and Shane decided he wanted a crash test dummy skin suit. "WHAAAAT!???" I say. "Are you fucking kidding me right now? No. NO you cannot have a skin suit."

"But I want it and you should get it for me because you love me and you are the best mommy in the world."

"No."

"BUT..."

"NO! Your wanger danger will show."

He laughs. "It will not. I will wear underwear."

"It doesn't matter! You can wear underwear and it will STILL show." I keep walking to the car.

"Jose...jo...jose...are you okay?" I hear shane laugh and say.

"WHAT IS WRONG WITH JOSE!" I shout over my shoulder.... I keep walking (thinking about my couch and my daughter and scary shows. I look back once more.

Jose is hunched over laughing.

He cannot talk.

"See shane. Look what your winger dinger does." I mutter.

"Uh! It is not my fault! You did it. oooooh my mommies mad at me." He starts laughing with Jose and they get into the car.

Jose hunches over to the right and is still laughing. I ask him if he is okay. He nods.

"OOOOOOH! Baskin robbins!" Shane exclaims. "Can we have some?!"

"NO!" I say

"Ohhh mommy, just one scoop?" Emma asks

"Okay."

Shane laughs because Emma made me change my mind so fast, but really? Who says no to icecream? Communists thats who.

We converge on the parlor and Emma picks mine out. Jose chose cookiedough on a cone and shane (Wearing his handerpants no less) chose sherbet.

I give shane half of my mississippi mud icecream and my heart glows.

Because this is why I wake up extra early every day. Because of my babies. Who I love more then anything and everything.

Who make me glow with pride (F or not) and laugh at their  humor.

They are getting too big TOO fast. It has passed in a blur. In a minute increment of time.
Too fast.

Grief.

Grief surrounds me.

I can feel it thicken on my skin and attach to my heart.

It diggs into my memories and flashes of my father flicker beneath my eyelids.

Grief.

Time heals.

These are the words I say to Brandee and Dawn, both down a father in the month of October. Two similar lives, two men who lived each day for their daughters. They are gone, and I am at a loss for the right words to say.

What do you say?

How do you hold a friend?

What can soothe the ache that burns inside thier soul?

Nothing....just time.

At Dawn's daddies funeral service I just wanted to lay myself over her.

I wanted to protect Dawn. I wanted my shoulders to sop up her tears.

I sat behind her at the service and rubbed her back. I don't know if she felt me. But I was praying the whole time for her. I want time to speed up and her heart to heal.

I wanted to make her laugh and watch her eyes alight.

I wanted to spend more time with her then my work schedule allowed....

Yesterday I walked into Brandee's dads celebration of life. I wore purple in his memory and quickly pinned together a Harley flower to my shirt. One that I made because I am so broke that I figured I would get artsy.

Brandee and Mandy meet me outside. They do this because they know that I am uncomfortable. We go inside and Brandee rushes to the bathroom to "put on her face", And I see her daddys Harley there, in the bar. It sparkles beneath the lights, and the leather handlebar tassels swing to and fro as each person walks around it.

My eyelids tingle and I press my hands to them. They burn and I cannot stop the tears that well up from beneath my lids.

"You okay Beanie?" Mandy asks, a questioning look on her face.

"Yeah. Yes. I am fine." I shake my head and dab away the tears that threaten to fall.
I cannot let them.

How silly of me to cry.

How weak, when I need to be a source of strength.

How dare I cry. What kind of a friend is that?

I shrug and Brandee approaches. She see's my tears and moans "ohh...ooooh....Beanie is crying.." And she wanders off the other way.

My eyes keep catching on the shine of the Harley.

It reminds me of my daddy. 

 I can see him straddle his bike and feel the fear and excitement in my heart as I scramble up behind him.

I can feel the thickness of his waist and feel the flannel of his shirt beneath my cheek as we start to move...as the rumble fills my small body.

I can smell the fumes and old spice in my nose. Feel my fingers grasp the loops in his pants....

Mandy puts a Margarita on the table in front of me. "Drink up Beanie." She says with a smile, and I lay my head on her for a second.

The day moves and my tears dry. By the time I leave I have recieved immunity from my memories.

I look down....

On my hand is drawn a turtle.
One that bears a heart in the center of her shell.
My turtle is a she.
Her name is Angie and just yesterday morning she has ended her fight (And what a fight it was) with Cancer.

She leaves behind a little girl Emma's age. It makes me cry. It makes me sad.

I rub the turtle on my hand as I drive home to Shane and Emma. I spend the day with them and they make me laugh.

They beg me for icecream, and I give in.

Brandee and Mandy bring me food left over from the service. I tell my children that they are eating funeral food tonight.

Mandy farts in the back window, right in Shanes face.

Brandee laughs.

Time will heal.

At Emmas birthday party last week, Spencer hold himself up. He moves along the couch and flashes his dimples at his momma.

Dawn laughs.

Time will heal.

But until then, know that I am here. And I will hold you, and make you laugh. I will dry your tears with my hair and kiss your head.

I love you. And even though every beat of your heart echos an ache. The ache will come less and less. Laughter will accompany your fathers name, and time indeed...will heal your hearts.

Don't look at me.

" I just can't look at you." A parent said to me today.

I responded by nodding and blinking back tears. " I can't look at you either...." 


Tomorrow is my last day with the Pre-K class that I started with at Buhach Preschool.

I want to cry and snot and hold my little beasts close. I want to wipe my snot in their hair and have then scream in disgust.

I want to take out my rubber chicken and tell them I am going to beat them with it.

I will probably do all of that but the snot rubbing. That may piss off my kids.

I remember my stomach turning with nervous, meeting them the first day. I remember thinking that there was NO way that I could love these kids, the way that I loved my babies back at KincerCare.

My class was small when I first started. About 10.  These I call my OG Pre-K'ers.

THEY will throw me my shoes when a tour is walking up my porch. Because 80% of the time I teach shoeless.

THEY will know what I mean when I am about to talk to a parent and I walk over to them and say "Nose?" ....They will answer Yes or No. And this, or course, is a booger check.

THEY will lay beside me on the floor of my class, our heads touching, while we discuss where the cracks in the ceiling came from.

THEY will march on our porch with me and sing the "Mr.Juan is old song."

THEY will sing "We will rock you" with me, while standing in line to pee.

 THEY will sing the "I love Gordie" song to Jorden through the crack in my wall.

This afternoon when a mom came and picked up her son, She immediately started to cry. "I just am so happy you came here Beanie...It's going to be okay, right? We will be okay....just...I cannot look at you right now."  And she put on her glasses, whispered "see you...for tomorrow..." and walked out.

I do not know if these kids have had a teacher who honestly LOVES them. Who worries about their first day of kindergarten and if they have slept properly the night before. Who misses them when they are absent and loves to give them squeezies every day.

I KNOW that we will all be okay, but regardless...tomorrow I will cry... I will miss them come Monday and I will never ever forget them.

This morning I.....

5:30 am...

This morning I froze butt nakid at the end of my bed with one leg up. my arm over my face fat flying EVERYwhere...

For some reason I felt that Jorden was a T-Rex and that If I did not move...he would NOT see me.

This did not work, and soon enough I was tucked next to him in bed, pretending that I was asleep ALL ALONG and that I had accidently gotten nekid and showered.
He tucked himself against me and burrowed his hand in my hair. Like "Yeah bitch. That is what I thought"

 6:00 am... 

This morning I Cheered on Jorden while he pee pee'd in the potty. It was a complete accident, and it scared the fuck out of himself, but I still did the "Wee Wee" dance for him. It is a wicked awesome dance....just ask baby.

 6:25 am...

This morning, while applying my mascara, I noticed Jorden (who was in the bath) stand up...look down and omit a battle cry while he swung his backscrubber at something in the water.

I interrupted just in time.

It was poo. And he was about to beat the.....shit....out of it.

6:30 am...

This morning I gagged while I shoveled corny poop, from the bathroom to the toilet. Jorden cheered me on all the while saying "Bye bye poo poo!!!!" and waving furiously.


This morning I chased a nakid baby, who was chasing Karma and yelling "Kargo! Kargo!"  Karma tore across the bed and stepped on Emmas hair. Emma didn't flinch.



And then it turned 7:00

I didn't love you then.

Two months ago I started my new job. I was scared. Nervous. But my heart led me.

The first day in my new classroom was, to say the least....interesting.

Every time I called my students Squish face, Hunk of love or squoosh, they looked at me strangely.
By the time circle time  rolled around one asked me "Do you NOT know how to say our names? My name is C-O-V-I-N."

"No, I do know how to pronounce your names, I just prefer to call you squish face."

"Oh...um...okaaaay?but...WHY?"

"Because I am your teacher and I want too... and In my class you never ever argue with the teacher."

"Okay then."

At circle time I sat on the floor and stared into 6 strange new faces. "Hello children. I am Mrs. Beanie."

"Beanie?...like...a bean?"

"Yes."

"Is that your real name though?"

"Yes."

He stared at me and half smiled "I have never heard of that name before."

"Well, I have never heard of the name Covin before either. But now I have...and so we move on."

During circle time I sang and the children stared. Half heatedly clapping, all the while glancing at one another.

I felt like I was in another dimension.

"What do you want to do today children? What shall we learn about?"

"You're the teacher...that is sorta up to you."

hmmmmm...

When a 5 year old talks to you like he is 35 it is...unnerving. quite.

We moved forward and I spent the remainder of the day observing the kids and watching their mannerisms.

They didn't seem to have a sense of humor. I tried joking....nothing. I tried making silly faces...Nada....I made up silly songs that rhymed quite brilliantly....ZILCH.

On the way home, I stared at Brandee. "I quite feel like city mouse visiting country mouse." And She agreed.

But here's the thing...these children...were POLITE. Asking to please be excused before leaving the table, These kids were SIMPLE...Singing the 10 little Indian song with happiness. A song I had not heard since my OWN childhood.

I did not want to ruin them. What if I sang a silly song and they turned into beasts who punched their friends in the crotch and flipped me the bird.

They were innocence. Raised....differently, almost as if they were in a different time. A simple time. Where a good time was making sand angels and playing badmitton.

Two weeks passed by and when one certain child  came into our class the whole class greeted him as such "GOODMORNING HUNK OF LOVE!" I smiled, and so did his mom.

A month passed and a child asked "Beanie...is it Friday yet?"

"Nope...almost"

"Oh gooood. Cuz I wanna do the booty shake Friday dance."

I smiled.

When Star Wars Day came, I announced that we would be making star wars masks and reenacting light saber fights. They stared. "What is Star Wars?"

I gasped. I clutched my chest "You do not know what star wars is children?"

"No."

"Your parents have done you a great disservice."

Just then my hunk of love arrived. The children told him it was star wars day and he grinned. "OH YEAHHHHH!" he achieved a fist pump and after telling him that they had never seen star wars, I instructed him to teach circle time while I furiously traced out Darth Vador masks.

Within 30 minutes the children asked me if they could use markers as light sabers. "Absolutely...but if Mr.Juan comes, you hide them."

"Agreed." My hunk of love nodded

I have made every single one of my students hug me every single day. "Why do you need hugs so much?" one asked me "Because you are children, and YOU need hugs...every single day."

"We do?"

"Indeed."

Two months into my new job, and every single day...is a happy one. The children fight over who gets to sit next to me at lunch. They bring me star-wars stickers and fill me in on the episodes they have watched now.

They gladly march on the wooden porch and sing yet another song about Juan.

They hold up their fingers and believe that they become invisible.

They answer me when I ask them what they want to learn about today.

They sing with me at circle time and laugh at me when I snort.

My cabinet is filling up with star wars coloring pages made for me, with love.

They hug me, without me asking, and tell me I am pretty. 

When a new student came and accidentally called me "Mrs. Beemie." Covin corrected him "It is BEANIE...not Beemy...get it right!"

"Covin. Be nice. Remember how YOU reacted to my name my first day?"

He smiles shyly. "Well yeah...but that was different."

"How so?"

"I didn't love you then."

Repeat after me!

I love how children will repeat what I tell them too..


OH the power I wield in my hands. SOME people my be happy running a country or deciding on budgets, but ME? I'd rather be in charge of what children do and say. It is much, much funnier.

"Children..when Mr.Juan comes in, hide behind your fingers. It will make you invisible."

He enters the room and pauses. All 9 of my children (and myself) are giggling and holding their fingers in front of their noses, amazed at this new superhuman power that I have given to them

He stares, knowing that we are doing SOMEthing...he just doesn't know what.

"He can't see us kids! see? our fingers make us invisible" I repeat.

"OH! My gosh. where IS mrs. Beanie and those kids!" and he walks out.


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We sit in circle time. Our legs folded and our hands resting in our laps. I am reading to them and they are avidly listening. These kids love stories.

A fly lands on one child's head. He waves his hands about.

It lands on another child's nose. He waves his arm and scowls at the slooooowly buzzing fly.

I am losing their attention, and it PISSES me off. So I pick up a thin book and scowl at the fly. I stalk it and hold my breath. WHACK!!! .... the fly is dead. I scoop it into a cup to feed our ants later, and the children exclaim "WOW! Did you just see Ms. Beanie!!! How did you DO that!"

"I, children, went to a super ninja fly killing school....it's very exclusive. When you grow up. maybe you can go too."

They sit and stare at me. One whispered to the other "When I get big Imma go to that ninja fly school too!"

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"Mrs. Beanie, why do you call me gorgeous face?"

"Well...ummm...cuz you are cute?"

"I am?"

"Uh...yeah!! Didn't you know?"

he smiles

The next day when he walks in 10 kids sing loudly "Goodmorning gorgeous face!!" His mom smiles.


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