A bucketfull of boogers!

My Dinga is 7 weeks pregnant today.

I know this for several reasons.

1) She is my best freckily friend, and any BFF worth her salt knows the date of her knocked up friend.

2) I have a pregnancy calendar on my phone that tracks the development of "cletus" and the emotions that Dinga could, should or WILL be going through.

So far The smell of smoke makes her puke. Which in hindsight is good. No smoking for baby. It might make him retarded or his ears automatically bigger.

She has no desire for chocolate. Wierd if you know Dawn.

Soda, a drink that she used to guzzle all day long, makes her nauseous. For a single day, she enjoyed Arizona fruit punch, but today it made her sick.

She is at a loss over what she should drink.

Today, as I walked into work, Dawn was sitting at her desk talking to a very small, very cute old lady. Soon she walked her around the classes, but I could tell by the pinkish color beneath her freckils, that something was wrong.

As the lady left she started muttering under her breath about smelly old ladies.

"She smelled?" I asked

"YES! Like boogers!"

I looked at Mindy, and back to Dawn "Boogers DON'T smell."

"Yes they do..you know when a kid is sick, (gag) and they are snotty..and they...(gag)..smell like boogers?!"

My head shook in time with Mindy's.

5 minutes later the sound of her wretching could be heard.

She exploded out of the bathroom "She smelled like ....a BUCKET of boogers!"

I laughed because, well, I couldn't help it. Plus, since Dawn is the mate to my soul, I'm ecstatic to be here during this whole pregnancy thing. (I even saved her pee test for Beanies baby book ..a work in progress)

A few hours later Dawn kept sniffing around the office. "You smell that?" She muttered.

"Boogers again?"

"No...someone pooped dude. Did you Fart?"

"Nope...don't even gatta."

*sniffsniff*

"But I smell doo doo."

I sniffed my shoulder, I sniffed the air. I smelled nothing.

5 Minutes later....

*sniffsniff* "I smell poo!"

I finally made her sniff me because she had me convinced a fart was stuck in my underware or something, Thankfully ....no.

I feel bad for my Dawn Dinga, But at the same time, I am loving sharing all of these experiences with her. I cannot wait for the next ultrasound. (This time I will NOT wear a rainbow mumu and a viking hat!

And old man makes.....interesting,

I don't know what makes me offer people things. Lord knows that in the past three years, everyone and their cat has lived with me.

My house has been called home by a sister, a gardner, a boyfriend and an exhusband.
...A bastard cat and a very old man.

Don't get me wrong. I love living alone. With just my two wonderful kids and my Beast of a pitbull.

Alas, Life...is never perfect. And family is family.

Thankfully the Ex-husband has been chucked and left behind is two very happy children and a frail old man.

After I politely asked Chris to never darken my door again, if you please...Well...(Okay, okay I told him to get the fuck out, but let's not mince words.)

...Grampa didn't want to go, and Lord knows who could blame him. His son did not properly take care of him, and when he did he huffed and cussed and was generally pissed off because of it.

It's gross really, but hey. There is nothing I can do about the attitude of an Ex-husband.

So Grampa stayed, and I was fine with it...why? Well...I just couldn't tell him No.

So he is here, and we have muddled through this week just fine...The first day I had to do everything for him. We arranged things in the bathroom, and tried out new directions to get his wheelchair the furthest inside.

After bathroom time, my back ached and I was out of breathe, but I just told him that was due to my fat.

When he went to bed that night, in his clean and happy room I told him, "Don't worry Kent, we got this...we will figure this out." And he nodded "Yes. We do...and we will."

On Friday I changed my first poopy adult diaper. It was...interesting, and Kent sat there, his cheeks red..his head hung.

I shushed his embarrassment and told him "We all shit ourselves sometimes." Which made him laugh.
It's the first time I had to wipe a grown mans butt, but strangely I didn't mind.

When I look at this shrunkien old man I see a great father, I see the man who rocked my son to sleep and stared at him for hours because he was "So darn beautiful" I see the man who took in a scared pregnant woman and made her feel like family....I see a Veteran of this country and a man to be respected and honored.

I know that when his son was small and he couldn't walk, he was there. To guide him and help him be strong. He deserves that back.

I don't know why Chris thought this was too much for him. I guess he figured that with me working, raising two kids and starting school again, not to mention trying my best to take care of the house, yard and everything else...I could just take on One more thing....

What's an 79 year old man in the scheme of things?

But I am happy, and even though I didn't know what the fuck I was doing (or still am for that matter,) I know that together we will figure it out.

Together we got this.

The worst part.

I love my job.

For many different reasons. One of which, is if, at any certain time of the day, you stand still and just listen... you will hear at least 3 things that are funny.

SOMEtimes my job is stressful. but ALL times, it is funny.

The only drawback to my job, is when a child that you absolutely LOVE...leaves.

I remember one time, my cousin asked me if we teachers have favorites. And my reply was..Absolutely.

It doesn't mean that we care less for the other children, or that the quality of care that they receive is any less...it just means, that every once in a while, a child who is so unique...so Different comes along...that we LOVE.

MY first heartbreak occurred in 2008. I will never forget the little boy that stole my heart. He wore the most awesome VANS shoes and had the cutest feet in the world. I LOVED him. When he left,
I wrote my number on his daily communications sheet and his mom scoffed at my sadness "Sheesh Beanie!"

I remember she ran out to the car to get some paperwork and I lifted him up to my desk. "I love you Ryan."

"I know!" He giggled "I love you TOO BEANIE!" and he threw himself against me...his arms squeezed around my neck.

I gulped back my tears. I couldnt believe I was so sad.

"Just remember that I love you, and I will think of you all of the time."

"...Kay..." He laughed and I set him back on the floor.

His mom came, she rolled her eyes at my tears and he walked away....His shark shoes skipping...and hopping...away. He was two.

I saw him again when he was 4. He was in my class for a few weeks....but he left again soon.

I saw him again a month or so ago. He stood there with his dad, his hair silky and justin bieber-ish.
"Ryan?"

He smiled at me


"Do you remember me?"

He nodded shyly

His dad said "of course he remembers you."

"Ohmygosh..can I have a hug?"

He shyly came forward and hugged me softly. I didn't know what else to say, so I made a comment on his still adorable vans shoes.

He smiled, they picked up his cousin and he left.

My heart went unscathed for awhile, until I met Byron.
I loved him so much. I love him STILL and its been almost a year since I have seen him.
He was so funny. So smart. He loved Halloween and I taught him how to draw Zombies with brains leaking out of their heads.

He would, at times get so frusterated, because people interrupted him, or someone didn't understand him, and he would cry and run across the room.

I would always follow and hug him and calm him.


He would sit next to me, and we would color all sorts of scenes. One of my favorites was a circus scene....complete with balloons and a ferris wheel.

Every day he would make me laugh, and when he was going to leave, he knew it.

I remember him coming up to me and telling me that he remembers his last life, and he asked me to wait for him in heaven when I die....so that we could come back to earth together.
But he made me double pinky promise that I would remember to be funny and wierd.

Which I did.

When he left, it was the worst. To THIS day....The worst.
I made him a card and I couldn't even read it to him. I was crying so much. My co-teachers laughed and "aweee'd" at me.

They hugged me and tried to make me laugh...But they couldn't.

ALL year at certain times in our curriculumn, I would ask my co-teacher "Remember last year when Byron said ......."

She would laugh and  "Aweee"

Today I woke up and the first word I uttered was "Shit."
It's one of my kids last days. My favorite dinosaur meal.
Today i will cry, I just know it.

Yesterday he sat down in front of me, criss cross applesauce, and listened to me read Yurtle the Turtle. (one of my favs) He stared at me and finally said "Beanie...Its my last day tomorrow."

RIGHT in the middle of Yurtle stomping up another turtles back...
(And if you are 4 years old, and in my class, you KNOW that you NEVER interrupt Beanie when she is reading a story.)

I put the book down and stared at him. "I know. I'm ignoring it."
I picked the book up and tried to concentrate on what a bastard Yurtle was.
....But I couldn't.

I looked at him and sighed.

He smiled at me sadly.

"What am I supposed to do without you?"
He shrugged his shoulders "You know beanie."
"What do I know?"
"You just know!"

"Who will the dinosaurs eat if it isnt you?"

He shook his head and looked down. "Maybe....Noah."

"No...too bony."

I sighed and put the book down.

I stood up and left the room to another teacher.

I don't know if parents realize how much their children impact our lives. They make us laugh, and they embed themselves into our hearts.

TORNADO!

We made wind socks in class today, Only I called them tornado warners.

The news had me so freaked out this morning.

"65 mile an hour winds...torrential rain...tornado warning!"

Waitaminute...

Tornado?......TORmutherfuckinNADO?

I was immediately freaked out, and felt that it was MY job to warn everyone that I saw. I sounded like chicken little, warning everyone about the damn sky falling....

Ya know...except it was tornao-y and Im wicked fat.

On my break the wind blew and I spread my arms out and screamed at Dinga "Here it comes Dinga!!! OHMYGOD!!!! "......then the wind stopped and I muttered "oh."

Dinga laughed at me, then i did too.

I was sorta dissapointed by lunchtime, that there was no tornado yet.
Not that I want one, but...Im pretty sure we would have been sent home early.

I spent 15 minutes or so stomping on the floor..CONVINCED that our Kindercare was SO old, that there simply MUST be an old army shelter beneath its newly waxed floors.

To my dissapointment, My foot tapping hearalded nothing. (except 12 children following behind me laughing.)


"Miss Beanie is SO crazy."

"What is Beanie doing NOW!"

"I dunno.." another child answered "But we should do it too....just incase."

"SHUSH children!" I exclaimed "Beanie is trying to save your lives. It is a hard job, but somebody has to do it!"

"Wow! Miss. Beanie is saving our lives!"


"I love Beanie!"

They whispered behind me..... (And that is how you do THAT.)

I drilled the children on black out procautions...JUST INCASE the lights went off. They picked it up quick.

I asked Lou Lou..."What do we do if there IS a tornado?! Get under a desk?"

She laughed.."I don't think so!!! I think that's an earthquake!"

"Do we stand in a doorway?"

"No THAT'S an earthquake too!"

Oh lord. We're screwed.

Plus I had already told my children to hide under a desk....crap.

I made "tornado watchers" (which are basically windsocks)

The children were fascinated at my amazing technological  skills. "Beanie..How does this help us know when a tornado is coming?

"well...You hang it outside your window right?"

"Uh huh!" They chorused

"Usually it will show you the visual aspects of the wind, which means if its not windy, it wont move...if it is very windy, then it will swing back and forth. So.... this here Tornado watcher....basically... if it disappears...hide in a closet!"

They all nodded very seriously at me.

Later in the afternoon, I moved over to my school age class, where I continued making tornado watchers.

As it got later the rain got LOUDER....and louder...Until the roof shook.

My head went up...and it was all a blur.

"CHILDREN! It's here! Stop drop and roll...STOP DROP AND ROLL!"

Half of the class ran to the window, a parent walking in laughed at me, Rob said over the din of noise "Beanie! That's for a fire!"

Dammit, I thought....

A little girl ran, and knee slid under a table.

Dawn came in, saw all the chaos, laughed and turned back around.

Me?

I  yelled "I'm coming Elizabeth!" clutched my chest and opened the door...

And found hail.

"Oh." I said and sighed.

The children oohed and ahhed and I let them catch it in buckets, and bins and pencil cases.

They made teeny snowballs and had contests on who could keep their hands submerged the longest in the icy water.

I had to stop that though, by telling the children that if they wanted to freeze off their hands, then they would do it at home, and not in my class, as I would surely be excused from my place of employment.

The groaned, but stopped trying to self induce frost bite.

In the end, no tornado came, and surely...a child is terrified because of me.

And also very very confused.

Porn Ass.

When my sister lived with me, I loved it.

Not only was she holding down the fort while I ventured into the world and figured out how to be a single mom, a student AND a teacher...But she walked me to my very first day of class, (and refused to leave until she absolutely had too) .....she also welcomed me home each night with a huge pot of coffee and a talk.

OH how we laughed, snorted and gasped with each other.

It was during one of our 'talks' that we found ourselves discussing porn stars ass holes.

Meaning, we HAD to find out why in the world their assholes were prefect and pink and ours were....well....not.

"What the hell. That's not normal right?" I questioned

"Oh HELL no...they do something to their assholes. That shit is bleached or something." My sister scoffed

So we researched it. I asked all of my friends at work about THEIR assholes, and FINALLY we decided that we were going to have a set of our very own perfectly pink porn assholes.

We found a site that SOLD asshole bleaching kits, but sadly...we were broke.

(NO....They didn't call it 'asshole bleaching', but SERIOUSLY saying the word asshole, just brings a smile to my heart.)

We then researched the ingredients, and set out to find our very own generic version at Walmart.

Which...we did. It was seriously 3 bucks.

We felt like friggen asshole geniuses...we also KNEW the cashier KNEW just what we were doing.

This cream from walmart was actually something else...scar dimminisher or something....But still..The ingredients were the same.

We rang up, and all the way home we sang songs. "OOOOH our assholes will be pink and pretty, pink and pretty, pink and pretty...our assholes will be pink and pretty JUST LIKE THE PORN STARSSSS!"

We giggled and debated who would go first.

Cyn did. (of course)

Then I did.

Wanna know if we have porn star assholes?

The answer is no, cuz we shmeared it on once, and never throught about it again.


Which leads me to Tuesday morning.

I was illegally talking on the phone during my morning commute to work. I had my sister on speaker while she ranted and raved about her husband blowing up her computer with porn.

I just smiled and shook my head while she talked.

I drove around a corner, laughing maniacally at her vicious rant. "I swear to GOD. If I was 5'8" tall, had HUGE fake tits and a porn star ass my husband would fuck me more!!!"

I almost pee'd my pants.

I had to press my knees together, which, while you are driving is reeeeeally hard.

My laughter made her laugh...."remember...remember our porn ass?" I snorted and wiped the drool off of my bellspalsy cheek.


"YES!" *silence* "Fuck porn ass."

That made me laugh even harder.

We ended our conversation, and her laughter still echoed in my heart.

Our Gramma used to always tell us "You girls remember, all you have is each other. You can fight. But you better make up. You're all you got."

Porn ass and all.

Tales of a day..1

I wish I didn't have to wash pee sheets, like ONCE a week. Just ONE day that someone doesn't pee their bed, and I would be a happy teacher.

My hands are covered in gloves. "Uh...Miss.Beanie...I'm SOAKED."

*sigh* "It's okay...Here's some clothes." I take the bed strip the sheet and disinfect, while I hear behind me "I'M WET!"

I wanna bite all the bed pee'ers...maybe then they would be too terrified to pee, but alas....That would get me fired.

I had a child tell his mom "Miss.Beanie won't let me pee. THAT'S why I pee the bed."

I wanted to shank him. SHANK his little body. "Um...Your child can pee whenever he likes, the door is open AND he pee's at least 5 times between lunch and nap. Your child is a liarpants, he should be punished."

********************

I had to tell a child today "STOP saying 'In the butt in the butt in the butt' please before I call child welfare on your parents." (WHO has to say that in their daily life?...Me and Mindy that's who)

********************

"Why are you fat?"

"Why are you white? Cuz God made me this way....that and I eat pie....but that is besides the point. Don't you wish YOU could be as fluff-o-rific as me?"

"Yes I do."

"Next time you go to Burger king, order the pie... It'll be 'aight kid."

*********************




"Beanie...Why you do you always draw hearts on my notes home?"

"Because I love you."


"Oh....I Like your hair."

"Thanks..I like your nostrils."

"Thanks."

********************

"What in the world is going on over here?"

"I'm Building a bridge."


"WHY do YOU get to build a bridge, when all of the other children have to sit down at the table?"

"Because I just HAVE too!"


"That's a pretty great bridge."

"Thanks."

"Build away, I'll cover you."

***********************

Change Happens...

"Miss Beanie! Ayden heard you were ganna be my teacher, and not his, so he PUNCHED me in the nose!"

"WHAT!?" I looked at Ayden cradled in his daddies arms "Did you seriously punch her in the nose Ayden?!"

He nodded shyly, tucking his face against his daddies chest.

"I am still your teacher Ayden....I am just in your sisters class in the evenings."

He nodded. That seemed to be except able to him.


Uh Oh....

Last week I was asked to take over School age in the evenings. A feat that, challenges me and excites me. I now have TWO classrooms.

I immediately took my bosses news (that I was to have my full hours and revamp school age) and RAN with it. Anything that gets me 8 hours....I like just fine.

In the morning I run my Pre-K and at 2:45, I am in schoolage. Wheew. I cleaned and rearranged, cussed and threw fits over the absolute MESS that I found in that room.

I was absolutely APPALLED at the children running around, wasting art supplies (They were painting on the bare wood) Opening the locked teacher cabinet, fighting, yelling.....OHMYGOD.

Am I over my head?

I don't know if i can do this!

What am I doing!?

The first day I cleaned, re-arranged and readied my class. When the children walked in they threw their backpacks on the ground, and tossed their jackets on the tables.

"Um...Yeah, I don't think so. Hang it up right or I WILL throw these away. My classroom is not a trash can." I had the big black trash bag at the ready.....They hurried to pick it up.

I stood at the table and asked each child "Do you have homework?"

"No."


"Okay I will write your parents a note letting them know that you have said you have no homework, and if this becomes an issue, I WILL call your teacher."

"I mean yes....I forgot."

"Okay, that happens sometimes." And I filled out my homework log.

My tummy fluttered a bit, I seriously had no Idea what I was doing. I figured my best bet was to treat them like I do when I get a new class. One that doesn't knows the rules and thinks they can run around crazy....So yeah...treat 'em like 4 year olds...that was my plan.

I stood in front of the class as they sat down to eat their snack, and explained my rules.

It's simple. I am a nice teacher. I am fun. I love giving squishes. If you want to use your nose to paint..I'm all for it...BUT you will respect my classroom. You will be kind to EVERYONE and you will ask my permission for EVERYTHING.

They all nodded, I saw one smile at another sneakily. I didn't say a word.

The previous teachers would make the children write 100 sentences if they did something wrong.
Negative.
If my child had to do that I'd be PISSED.

A girl was being mean to another I pulled her aside. "I know I know...I'm getting my paper..." She groaned at me.

"No. No sentences."


"NO SENTENCES?!" She grinned and looked over at her friends.

"Nope. Writing isn't punishment. It is a beautiful way to express yourself...No..you sit over there. Just sit there until your body is calm, and then come and see me." She sat.
And sat.

And sat.

And finally walked over to me "Im BORED Miss.Beanie."

I looked at her.."I want you to know that there is no room in MY class for mean or cruel children. If you feel the need to be mean, You walk away. You go sit...Take a breather. It is ABSOLUTELY intolerable for you to be rude, do you understand me?"

"Yes Miss.Beanie"

"Alright. You want to be mean or cruel you come talk to me. I protect this class and the children in it. Including yourself. Now..go apologize and tell her something beautiful about her outfit."

"Yes Miss.Beanie." And off she went.

"MISS.BEANIE!!! I HAD THIS FIRST AND SHE TOOK IT!!!"

"Don't yell at me." I replied


The child blinked their eyes at me "HUH?"


"I can hear you just fine, please lower your tone...now what is the problem?"

The other child ran up to us "She wont share!"

I looked at the child, grief was all over her face at the last baby doll that she wanted.

"She doesn't have to share."

"HUH?!" they both asked.


"If Harmke has the doll, then she is playing with it. Harmke, when you are done with the doll, will you please give it to Jayda?"

"umm..sure!" And off they went. Yes. I don't believe in sharing until you are ready to share. Sue me.

A child walked out of the bathroom, and I approached him "What are you doing?"

"Uh...I just went pee!"

"Did I TELL you that you can go pee?"

"Ummmm no."

"You need to ask my permission to use the restroom. I am to know where you are, every moment that you are signed into my classroom"

"Yes Miss. Beanie."

I know it sounds mean. But the classroom was out of control. The kids had absolutely no respect for the teachers or the classroom.

Fast forward to today. The children walked in, They got out their homework.
They washed their hands and sat down to snack, chatting in normal tones.

I had three different art stations out for them, the excitedly kept asking "Miss Beanie! Can I make a Tiki Face?!"

And I would reply "Of COURSE you can! I love all of my artists."

They made Tiki Faces, and valentines and little tiny bodies with big ole bobble heads, that made me giggle so they ALL made them.

When I can back from my break, The teacher who gave it to me (And USED to be the teacher in that room) said to me "Beanie, i'd love to know your trick."


"Whaddya mean?"

"I can't believe these kids! I want to know what you are doing? they all just ran around the room cleaning for you....I don't get it."

I just shrugged....

"Miss.Beanie can I use the restroom please?"

"Miss. Beanie, may I play Mancala please?"

"Miss.Beanie, may I play in the block area?"

Yeah....So far so good. But like I told my boss...Ask me how it's going on Friday.