Hair Pie - ARCHIVE 3/6/2007

So after the MERL pictures. And BEFORE the pie the gals and I got on a subject.

A hairy one.

A crotch hairy one.

We were talking about our 4 day road trip to coachella this summer.

"I so can't wait to hear you fart Dawn!" (Dawn is a self proclaimed non farter....that is SO another story)

"What.EVER!!!" she smiled.

I looked at Geeka. "She's gonna fart in her sleep I KNOW IT!!!! We'll catch her!"

"I know! And poop! You're gonna have to poop while were there too!" Geeka chuckled.

"Whatever. Stop the insanity. why are you two obsessed with my farting anyhow?" she rolled her eyes and took a sip of her diet coke.

"You say you don't. And EVERYONE farts. EVERYONE!"

I nod in agreement.

"Well you two probably snore! I cant sleep with you. You snore. I will need earplugs."

"You snore too sista" Geeka laughed out. She looked at me with wide eyes "That's how she gets rid of all her farts...she snores em out nnnnnshhhhnnnnnshhh!!!" she made a snoring sound.

I laugh. HARD.

"And you two prolly poo with the door open and will want to chat huh? Beasts!!! I don't want to see your pubes while you poo!"

"Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat! You're not ganna see my pubes."

Geeka is no help. She is still laughing so hard at her damnself.

"Why won't I? Does your belly hang over em fattie?

"Friggen Dawn! Fuck you!" I smile and flip her the finger.

"Noooo. They are neat a trim and beautiful. That's why you wont see em !"

Dawn laughs. Geeka is silent.

"What do you mean trimmed Beanie? What do you mean? how are they trim...do you trim them"

I look at dawn. She shakes her head.

"I mean Toph trims em all nice and neat...wait a minute Geeka!!!! Do you have an amazon bush?? I so bet you do!!! A big ole bush!"

She sits back. "I do beanie. I do!"

"Like how big???" Dawn asks. They are both sitting across from me. Geeka shows her. On her LEG!

"SHIT!" Dawn slap's her hand over her mouth. She is laughing so hard. Geeka looks scared.

We share the restaurant with only one other group. They start to get annoyed by our laughter.

"Okayyyyy...Geeks. When is the last time you trimmed em? A little snip...a lil cut..when?"

She stares at me. Her hands are over her mouth. She leans forward and fiercely whispers "Never Beanie never!!!!"

Dawn and i stare at her. Suddenly she burst forth "Who teaches you that? WHO??? My mom didn't teach me that!!!! Why didn't she?!!!"

Geeka is OUTRAGED!

"Who taught you that Beanie...." she turns and looks at dawn. "Who!!" Her voice has risen.

"Common sense taught me that."

She leans forward again. Listening. Like I am about to impart the secret of life to her....in whispers.

"Whatdoyoumean?"

"Well...I want my shit licked...so i make it easier to get to."

Dawn nods. She pulls her hair out of the pony tail and laughs. She shoves her head in Geekas face. "Do you wanna lick my scalp Geeka?? Huh HUh??? You wanna lick it through all that hair? Shave that 29 year old bush geekaaaaaa."

We are bombarded with questions. We answer every one.

Almost every laugh whether it was wheezy, chuckely or giggly is punctuated with a dirty look from our fellow dinners.

We try to stifle it. It is so hard when the three of us get together. Each of us is funny in our own right.

As we leave Geeka and I make plans to speed across the street and pick her up some scisors...maybe a nice beard and mustache trimmer for ms. bush o lala.

I also stick my tongue out to the people in the booth with the dirty looks. The man just blinks at me. Seeing a grown woman do that is shocking sometimes.
He probaby thought I was special needs.

Over at Walmart we find the perfect pair for Geekas wild and crazy bush....

Funerals and Satin panties - ARCHIVE from 7-09-07

Today my heart was quiet.



I stood there at the same site that I stood 6 months ago. When my daddy was buried.



Today I stood there, not in grief for myself. But in support of another.



Today I held hands and rubbed backs and kissed necks.



And my heart was quiet.



The wind kicks up high there. Almost fierce.



A million undead kisses finding a place to land.



A trillion unhugged huggs flittering about looking for the right person to embrace.



I sat Cameron aged 6 up on a rocky wall.



"Auntie Lollie... Im so sleepy"



"I know baby. Lean here against me."



And as he placed his head against my breast my arm circled his small body and I hugged him to me. My fingers playing with his hair. I placed kisses on his forehead every so often.



"I love you Auntie Lollie"



"And I you my Cam man."



My eyes searched the sea of grievers and I caught sight of the Burgundy curls of my oldest friend. Firmly encased in the arms of her family.



It was her son I held so close.



My heart was quiet.



Peaceful and quiet. I watched her mourn.



The soldier in the front issued an order and the guns were raised.



I placed my hand over Camerons ear. And curled my body around his.



*bang*



*bang*



*bang*



They rang on.



With each shot I flinched.



I was just sitting in the same chair that my friend now resides. Sobbing over the loss of my Pappa Bear. My daddy.



It feels like a blink ago.



Only a mere minute.



The wind licked at my dress. It kicked it up my thighs and I smile and pushed it back down again.



"Lord Cameron. Aunties dress seems to be too short for this wind."



He smiled up at me.



My hair lifted off of my shoulders and swirled around Camerons face and neck.



I hear a giggle from deep within my tangles.



I softly whisper "My hair loves you too"



"It's keeping me warm" his small voice mumbles.



I smile.



We leave the site and caravan up to the watching point. From here we can watch him be buried.



A tall white flagpole marks the spot.



Always at half mast.



We are parked and Cam man in chilly. So he stays in the van, where it is warm.



Melanie reaches to me. I hold her arm and walk her up to the vantage point. There will be a song sung now and as I clench her arm to me...My dress flies up.



I hold it down and snicker. I am sure at least one person saw my cobalt blue satin panties.



I lean into Melanie and whisper "This dress was not a wise choice."



"You are beautiful." And she huggs my arm to her chest.



"Well..." I smile "That is not the issue. My dress is too short for this hellacious wind and I think I flashed my panties."



She laughs. I watch her throat work as she does. This is good to see.



Heads turn and stare.



I smile and laugh a bit louder.



We take a seat and on the way I see a baby being cuddled. I stop and I coo and I squeak at him. He smiles and kicks his chubby legs. Working them so fast and reaching for my hair with his clenched fist.



I coo and laugh and let him have a small taste before I sit beside my friend.



Our arms are entwined. And our heads touch.



As the song begins I turn and watch her.



She blinks back tears and gulps back whimpers. I whisper many things. Many things. As she cries.



My eyes stray to where my father lies for a moment. And then they land on her again.



The wind kicks up and pulls her hair back. I watch her earrings swing and her hair fight at the wind.


I watch the little hairs that lie along her neck, move in the wind.

I rub at her hand. I mumer against her shoulder.

She blinks back tears and I whisper "Let them fall..."

We watch the burial and afterwards we head to where my father lies. Here we are alone and I unclench my skirt.

It lifts and blows and swirls in the wind.

I walk along the row of headstones. My eyes counting ahead.

I stop before him. "Hi daddy"

I stand there and remember him. For a moment it is still. And then my thighs feel the warm air as my dress is lifted again.

Melanie smiles at me. "Nice panties"

"Gee thanks" I smile back.

In the car we slowly drive. Through the gates and onto the road.

A song comes on the radio and I meet her eyes in the mirror. We smile and our heads nod.

Life moves.

Makeup.

Yesterday I was sick, which means I did the unfathomable....I wore no makeup.

My hair was thrown into a bun and I was not accessorized.... My students were confused at me:

Child #1

"Beanie....can you see?"

"Of course I can SEE ...whadya mean?"

"It just looks like you can't see properly." 




Child #2

"Hi Beanie....um...hmmm...where are your glasses?"

"I don't wear glasses."

(Stands there confused) "Well then what happened to you?"


Child # 3

Child 3 stands there and stares at me, once entering my room.

"Beanie....."

"yes..."

"Hmmmm...what HAPPENED Beanie. What is WRONG?"

"I am not wearing makeup."

"Oh...what is makeup?"

"Apparently, it is what keeps me looking like I can SEE, am healthy and are generally happy in life"

"Yeah..... Don't forget that tomorrow" ....And he walks away.

I want to rant about natural beauty. I want to gather my girls near and bombard the boys with how powerful we are as life givers. I want to explain that makeup is not needed to feel happy or too look beautiful. But the thought of my rant, exhausted me.



I LOVE mascara swiped onto my lashes and glitter in my hair.

I LOVE to  crimp my hair and color match my accessories.

I DO match my hairstyles to my outfit choice.

It makes me happy to get compliments on my hair, purse and accessorize choice.

I mumbled "I'm sorry" to every student after that who mentioned my lack of face, hair or earring.

Later, in the car, I was chuckling with my kids and telling them what the children had said. Shane kept gasping "But...but that is mean! That is..oh mygosh...these children are BULLIES!"

And Emma....she nodded wisely in the backseat. Laughed a little but ultimately said (After inspecting
my entire get up) "Mom...I know you're sick. But you could've done more."

I gasped.

"Emma!"

"I know...but still... Yesterday you sang that Lady Marmalade song allll morning because you had crimped all of your hair and it was fantastic and amazing. You wore a fabulous outfit. I'm just saying...You always look amazing at work....and today...  I think you're beautiful all of the time. Even in your purple ugly jacket and red sweatpants.... They don't know any better."

"....ALRIGHT!"

(shane still sputtered about 5 year old bullies)

 Later....

"Emma do I need to talk with you about how beautiful women are?"

"NO MOM...you do not."

"Just checkin...."

The best part....

The BEST part of my job is a tie between the crazy, weird, strange children....and the teachers.

I have alot to do in a day, but I love it when I can squeeze in a circle time, or listening to Mrs. Maria sing a mexican song to the children....(I always sing it wrong, but the toddlers still rock back and forth because the tune is the same.)

"Kay saree Kar sarah
laadee laadee laadee daaaaa
peter pan
peter queso
laadee laadeee laddeee daaaaaaaaa
beso beso beso!"

This is my interpretation. I dunno...the teachers laugh at me.

I love walking like a gorilla into the Pre-K room while the children are sitting quietly for Mrs. Brandee. I make them all giggle and she stares at me sternly.

I love it when Rob makes us coffee, and tells me he saved me a bowl of mashed potatoes and gravy because he loves me.

I love that when our staff room light went out, instead of complaining while we waited a week for maintenance, Rob and Tabitha still went in there for their break. They claimed it Intimate and I downloaded a candle app for them to use.

I love putting on my Beast costume, and bursting into the two's room RAWRing and chasing them around.

I love it when the teachers sling me down the hallway in Dawns roll-ey chair.

I love how excited everyone is about their secret santa. I love guessing who everyone has.

I love that Kingston LOVED my fuzzy, but then got mad at me for making him sit in the office, so he told me my fuzzy was the worst fuzzy ever.

I love that I chased him around with said fuzzy and told him that I was ganna rub it on his skin and make his skin look JUST like my fuzzy.

I love that he believed me.

(sorry Monica)

I love that even when things go wrong, and a child has an allergic reaction and I have to call 911, I know that despite us being silly sometimes, our staff is the BEST, and can handle any situation that comes along. (Including an allergic reaction that starts on a childs butt.)

 All in all, it is Friday and I am happy. I just KNOW my secret santa is ganna bring me something!!!

Thankful...

I love this time of year because people stop bitching about their lives and share what they are thankful for.
 Some more so then others, regardless it is nice to get a break from football banter and running stats.

I am thankful that I have a job to go to each and every day. I am aware that many do not, and no matter how much paper work I have to file, or booboo's I have to fetch ice for. I love my job, and I am thankful of it.

I am thankful that despite Dawn wanting to puke at the smell of Turkey, she bought and prepared an entire Thanksgiving meal for my children and I. I am thankful that despite my snores, she snuggled me the night before and that Jesse was there to drive me home when I heard of my old mans passing. I am thankful Dawn, that once upon a million years ago, you stepped in when a hell of alot of people stepped out.
I am thankful that I got to feel my baby wriggle in your tummy. I love him already.

I am thankful for Brandee and Mandy, who never let me wallow in despair. Friends who will allow me to cry, but will catch me before I fall to my knees. Without you, I would have curled into a fluffy ball a million years ago and become addicted to depression medication. I am more then thankful for you.
Thank you for always being there. For laughter and misery. Thank you for allowing me to sing "Gangsta Lean, This is for your memory" at the top of my lungs in your backyard for Grampa.

I am thankful that my sister still answers my phone calls, and despite her busy schedule, she will brew a pot of coffee and we will squish in conversation and laughter. Thank you sister. I am thankful that despite the fact that texting would be more convienient....you still give me that time.

Facebook is a wonderful tool, but it can never replace a cup of coffee and conversation.

I am thankful that I have a home that provides for my children.

I am thankful that I work with amazing quirky people, whom I enjoy each and every day.

I am thankful for every single "I love you Miss.Beanie" That I hear every day.

I am thankful that I have the ability to appear strong for my children, even when sometimes I am weak.

But more then anything, I am thankful for where my life decisions have brought me so far. Life is messy, it is chaotic and crazy and sometimes you have to blink through the tears and wonder, what the fuck am I doing???!!!....And then Your daughter does the wiggle dance, or your son, who is a giant, makes you belly laugh and you are AMAZED at what Fantastic children you squished out of your body...and I am thankful for those two things, more then anything else.

Douchebook.

I love Facebook. Hey I get that shit on my phone, and any spare second I have, I eagerly scroll through the updates.
I love that instant connection with friends and loved ones.

I do have my pet peeves status updates though. I shall share with you all....

FB Pet Peeve #1 The always unhappy, sick or generally grumpy ones.

EXAMPLE:

"Can anyone tell me why I woke up today?"

8 hours ago 

"Ugh....This day sucks."

6 hours ago

"Seriously? Work was horrible."

4 hours ago

"Ugh..Morning already? I just know it's going down hill from here."

just now

I can't stand these ones. they just MIGHT be THE douchey-est updates on the planet. I really want to reply "Good God get a rope already " But I don't... because Lord knows their next update will be:

"Ugh...the rope broke"

FB Pet Peeve #2 Rub my nose in it.

These ones are the bitches and assholes who constantly rub my nose in the fact that I am broke and they are not.

Yay! Im so happy that the recession does not apply to you, and I dont want to hear how your husband has to work one free day a month when he brings home 5 grand.

Fuck you.

I'm working all day, schooling at night and generally busting my ass. Plus I just used dishsoap in my laundry machine because I'm too exhausted to go to the store, and even IF I did drag my hump to the store, I doubt I could afford Gain, and I'd have to buy the Mexican shit with the seal on it.... you know.... 80 lbs for $3.00

No I do not get pissed off when EVERYONE buy's a new JetSkii...Just the ones who sit on their ass all day OR shop daily at Pier 1.

Fuck you one more time, because Im jelous that you can do that at all.


FB Pet Peeve #3 Attention whores

Not all attention whores mind you. Just the ones who post updates that MAKE you ask them what's wrong.

EXAMPLE:

"I'm so sad, when will this end?"

8 hours ago 

"Seriously?? Did that JUST happen?"

5 hours ago

"Wondering what to do now....My life feels empty without you."

23 minutes ago

Really?!!! Fuck You.

You KNOW you post that update and just WAIT for someone to ask what is wrong with you.

If you picked up the phone/sat on the computer, pulled up your facebook, sat there and thought "I am going to tell the world my business..but first they must ask...." Just fucking say it. We are busy people. And half of your friends are asking because they feel they have too.

These are the kind of people that can be in Disneyland and complain about the lines. YOU frustrate me. Dig yourself out of the perpetual funk you're in and masturbate a little.

It has been proven that a little slap and tickle (even if its by your own hand) is good for your general happiness.

FB Pet peeve #4  I am an adult but I speak like an uneducated douche bag.
EXAMPLE:

"U n0 I can C U frm here."

"Dis is the place to be"

"T0day is 4 winn3rs."

Really? You spent that much time HUNTING around your keypad JUST to use a zero in the place of an O. Or Dis...DIS??? What are we all black 13 year olds now? YOU are a douchebag, and the worst part is you spell like a dumbass too. You are 30. Grow up and write like it.

These are a few of my pet peeves. However please don't get me wrong. I do not hunt for these, and quite often I delete people on my list who just can't stop. I try to ignore, but usually can't. And quite often Dawn or my sister will call each other and alk about what assholes these people are.

I however love so many updates. Like ones from Anna, who shares her crazy life and her coupon deals.

Dawn, who is just simply funny and plus my BFF and is carrying my love child.

Bobby, because I love to hear anything from him.

My cousin Brian, because he is a hunk who handles his three boys like woah. And he is funny and makes me laugh.

Michelle. Cuz she is perfect, and so is her family.

Cyn because she is crazy.

Liz and Sharon. You could post about the shape and consistency of poop and I would love it simply because it came from your fingertips.

mostly all of my friends, because I have deleted most of the douche bags. Some I have kept simply to rant about.

Poopy Pants!

I had a bad 15 minutes at work today when a child almost as big as I am pooped his 4 year old pants.

"Miss Beanie!!! I smell something funny!" I hear called out to me from a classroom.

"Oh no!.." And I stand up.

I walk into the pre-K class and peek around a corner, sniffing and snuffing like a poop sniffing dog.
There is a child.
A tall child.
A huge child.
A child that stopped pooping his pants a long time ago, or so I thought.

"Are you kidding me?" I ask him


"No..Beanie I am not kidding you. Hey Beanie guess what! I got a cool shirt!"


"Let's go." I lead the way into the toddler room and the whole way he is spouting on about his cool shirt that Daniel gave him.

The teacher calls out "I can do it Beanie." But seriously teachers have the hardest jobs in the whole entire world, okay?
                    Teachers should be on that show 'Deadliest Jobs'

                                     Teachers, should be paid more then we are.

"No way, you are entirely too busy!" I say back to the AMAZING teacher who I would change a poop for any day of the week,


"Hey...Hey Beanie. I gotta COOL SHIRT!" The little boy announces (yet again)

"Hey...really? I think you have some chonies full of poo...that's what I think you've got Yo."


"Yeah." he says while I strap on my gloves.

"But Hey...HEY BEANIE! Look at my shirt. it's cool. It has a hole in it."

I sit down on a toddler chair, which, if you have never sat down on one as a grown up, it is exactly like 4 inches from the ground. And if you have never seen a fattie sit in a chair 4 inches off the ground, it is quite a sight. Even poop pants chuckled at me.

I ask him to take off his shoes, then socks, then pants. And that's where 4 years of poo changing abilities comes into play. I mean, could I write that on a resume? 

"Able to slip off underwear FULL of poo without getting a smear on a child."
That should get me like..i dunno...50 cents more an hour ALONE.

"Hey..Hey..Hey Beanie...Guess what Beanie! Look at my shirt it's got a hole in it. Its so cool."

"Listen. I know you are trying to make me notice the shirt more then I notice your poo okay? I get it. Right now I don't think your shirt is too amazing. Let's see how I feel when i am done with the poo. Kay?"

"Kay..beanie...okay. Let's see."

"Deal?"


"Yes...hey Beanie! Yes. Deal."

So I withdrawl the child from his poopey smeary undies, without spreading the love, and clean him off. He obliges quietly. He bends when I tell him too and turns when I tell him too. I get him cleaned up and dressed in fresh undies, new pants, but his same holey shirt.

"Hey...Hey Beanie. look at my shirt. It is SO cool! It has a hole it in!"

I turn as I dry my hands off from washing and look at his shirt. It is white. It has paint smears on it from painting and green slime on it as well. He turns so that I can admire the hole in the back that is so UH-MAZING.

"Yes love, it is amazing."

He smiles and jumps 4 times in a row. His hair is red and his cheeks are flushed with pleasure.

"Remember what I am about to tell you, because it will get you through life... okay?" I ask


"Okay...Hey Beanie Yes...Ill remember..." He leans in. His smile is HUGE.


"Shirts always look cooler when you don't poop in the pants beneath them." I say and look wisely at him from my great height of 5'3


"Oh!!! Okay beanie! Okay...hey beanie! I have a cool shirt and no poop!" And I walk him back into his class.