Merry Memory!

When everyone started talking about a Christmas program for this year, we all decided that we needed somewhere bigger to do it. There is no way that we can house all of the parents and guests in our classrooms.

So we put our feelers out there, and finally Juan decided that we should do it at McSwain.

We had been practicing our play and songs for weeks, I myself have read 'Chicken Soup with Rice' to my class every day since the first day of school. I KNEW that if we had a program, that I would want to perform it.

Why???

....I dunno. It was cute.

SO Mrs.O started making costumes and Brandee and I started practicing. Right away I knew Mason would be perfect for the boy. Cuz....well he is wicked cute. And that is reason enough. Plus I knew he wouldn't be shy.

I had try-outs for the Narrator part, but I knew I wanted Ava to do it. She reads the story EXACTLY as do.

After three weeks of practice every single day with 34 children,  Brandee and I were exhausted, the kids (I am quite sure) wanted to kick us, and I had my daughter and Mandy frantically making confetti sticks for the whale part.

The night of the show, it was a blur.

A Crazy hazy blur. But I do know that when the curtain closed and Brandee, Juan and I were frantically trying to remember which child goes where, I noticed movement to the left.

And there on the floor Mason lay on his knees. He spun and he spun in a circle.
Around and around and around.

It made me laugh and I stopped Juan to proclaim what a memory this was.

He looked at mason, laughed and gave me the "You are crazy look" before rushing off to help Brandee.

It WAS crazy. And lovely...and Lenas snowman nose came off, brandee practically frisbee'd the mason pot on stage, and we totally LOST all of the confetti sticks that Emma and Mandy had made.

But it was perfect, and funny, and a memory that will always stay with me.

My weekend with Chewy.

I have learned that between work life and home life there is not much time for any other kind of life.... Which, is fine by me.

However I tend to try and eke out every drop of happiness in the world.

Leech every smile from passerby's and drum out a laugh from between a perfect strangers lips.

While shopping this last Saturday, I brought along my Chewbacca. He was gifted to me by a parent at work, and I have quite fallen in love with him.

So Saturday found me in the backseat of Mandy's Chevy, Chewbacca clutched in my arms.
We were shopping. For Christmas. Nice right?

Brandee and I were shopping warriors....At least, this is what I told myself. (It sounds much better then shopping procrastinators.)

The rain sprayed the windows and sloshed against the tires, but Chewy and I were safe and dry.
We battled the crowds at the mall, and stood in line at aeropostle...A store, my daughter loves. The crows were ridiculous, but we could only laugh and breathe and hum Christmas music beneath our breath.

We left the mall pretty happy with ourselves, only to find a 30 minute wait to leave it. I was hungry, and when I whined that I was hungry, Mandy offered me sunflower seeds.

"It's all I got."

I accepted. Popped a cheek-full of saltiness in my mouth and contemplated my fellow shoppers out of the dark tinted window.

They were grumpy.

THEY were really really grumpy.

So, I did the only thing that made sense to me. I popped Chewbacca out of the back window and using my fingers, I made his little furry arm wave to them.

He "turned" his GIANT head and watched people drive up next to us. He growled and waved and hopped about.
And soon enough the grumpy shoppers began to smile.

They began to laugh and point and wave.

In fact, you would be surprised to know how great the numbers are of grown ups, who will wave at a stuffed animal.

(it's alot)

A car pulled up along side of us, and the back window slid down. A man popped half of his body out of the window and screamed to Chewbacca "Jump little Chewy JUMP!!!! I will catch you!!! Come on buddy....JUMP!"

But Chewy shook his head and shyly waved instead.

He waved back and slid his thin body back inside. Everyone laughed, and I did too in the backseat.

All along McHenry and Tully and um....another street..Chewy waved and people laughed...But always waved back.

In front of Target, Best Buy and TJMAX people laughed, and waved and in one case, pulled their child closer, because they probably thought I was a child molester luring children with my fuzzy big headed beast.

INSIDE Best Buy  a man who worked there wore a jacket that said "Zombies WERE people too" He stared at my Chewy.

"You wanna hold him?"

"I really really do." he said

So I handed him over.

"Squeeze him...he's squeezy."

And he did. He helped us with everything we needed.

On Sunday evening, after an entire weekend of shopping we were all BEAT. I left my house, once again with brandee and Mandy. The plan at the end of the day was to pick up dinner, a movie and wrap presents.

My soul was tired. I had slept on and off in the backseat between stores, while the rain poured on the car. It sounded so lovely to me.

The splatter of the rain, and the swoosh of the wipers washing it away. Splat swoosh splat swoosh....
I lay in the backseat, lightly sleeping. My hoodie pulled tight against my head.

The door opened and Mandy stood there. She held an umbrella for Brandee and I, and quite honestly I felt like a celebrity. I felt like I should be wearing an incredibly short skirt with nothing underneath, and when I exited the car the paparzzi would burst bulbs at me and my vagina would be on US WEEKLY the very next day.

But alas, there was only wind and two smiling faces when I excited, who probably did not understand why I yelled "VAG SHOT!" when I exited the vehicle.

Regardless, mandy cradled us in umbella while we battled the raging rain.

Inside Target Mandy DEMANDED that Brandee and I try on footie pajammas. "Okay" Brandee said.

"I DONTWANNAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" I whined

"Yes. You will. SO there." Mandy exclaimed. And picked out blue footies with sharks for feet.

Brandee giggled and I said "FINE! But you are the meanest person ever." Then I Harrumphed. (Which was quite impressive.)

Brandee and I took numbers at the changing room and went next door to each other.
 As soon as I slid my foot into the shark I started to laugh.
                                ...and laugh....
                                                    And laugh!

Until my body shook and my legs crossed so that I wouldnt pee all over my blue shark footies. I opened the door and leaned against the wall. Mandy started to laugh and Brandee came out looking all cute in her pink owl footies. I  looked like a blue burrito.

The blue fleece clung to every nook, and indeed...every cranny too.

I laughed and laughed and started to dance. I did the running man and the Gundum style.

(A picture DOES exsist)

The lady in the front laughed and told us we were selling the footies for her.

I loved Mandy a lil bit more for making me do it, and hung the shark P.J's back up.

 AT the end of the evening, as promised we stopped by blockbuster. I held chewbacca in my arms as we perused the movies. My face was stuffed against his fur and I  inhlaed his happy smell. I missed my babies, and couldnt wait to them to come home.

We finally decided on two movies and checked out.

As we were leaving a man, who looked like a boy and a woman who looked like a stuck up snatch were having a conversation about footie pajammas.

"No...I swear they do exsist. And they're are nice ones too!" he insisted.

The girl shook her head in disgust.

Brandee informed the boy and the snatch that we had indeed, just tried on footie pajammas.
She shook her head once again and proclaimed. "I just think that there is a time that you just have to GROW UP."

"Really?" I asked her and held up my Chewy. I squooshed his tummy and he growled at her. She didn't even crack a smile.

We left, and I looked back. She frowned and continued talking to the man/boy.

I felt sorry for her. How sad.

It was raining again, so I stuffed Chew into my jacket. I pulled my hood up and dashed next door to TOGO's. YUUUUUUUUM.

As we entered, a girl rushed forward and held up her hand "Im sorry. BUT NO DOGS ARE ALLOWED IN HERE...okay?"

I was confused.

I pulled out Chewbacca and held him up. "Butitsjustchewbacca." I exclaimed

"oh....OOOOH!" and she laughed.

The whole time she made my sandwhich I stared at the pimple on her face. The.WHOLE.Time.

Until Mandy saved me and sent us back in the car to keep warm.

We went back to Brandees and watched pitch perfect while we wrapped. We laughed and butt danced. (That's the kind of dancing you do while you are wrapping a million gifts)

At 10:00 we bucked back up and headed out to pick up Emma in Oakdale.

That night I crashed into bed, with both Chewy and Emma beside me.

I cannot sleep.

\\
I cannot sleep.

I watch the Christmas lights flicker on the face of my child. She sleeps so sweet, so soft... so genuinely.

I hold my breath and switch positions. I do not want to wake her. My fingers slide through a strand of her hair, and even this is infused with life...with the electricity of youth.

My mind races through pictures and stories and news flashes.

The christmas lights become the flash of a siren and I am transported.

 "Six-year-old Jesse Lewis had hot chocolate with his favorite breakfast sandwich — sausage, egg and cheese — at the neighborhood deli before going to school Friday morning."

"They were supposed to be for the holidays, but finally on Friday, after hearing much begging, Charlotte Bacon's mother relented and let her wear the new pink dress and boots to school."

"The images of Olivia Engel will live far beyond her short lifetime. There she is, visiting with Santa Claus, or feasting on a slice of birthday cake. There's the one of her swinging a pink baseball bat, and another posing on a boat. In some, she models a pretty white dress; in others, she makes a silly face."

Every Christmastime, we move a bed our to the living room. We do this because it has been tradition since 2008 AD (After Divorce) ...we cuddle beneath the tree and fall asleep dreaming of the Grinch, Elf or Olive.....The OTHER reindeer.

This morning I watch my daughter sleep, and my lips move in a prayer.

I know we all hold our children closer. I am not the only parent watching their child breathe easy beside them.

My mind cannot stop going to the place where 20 mommies lost their babies. Where 20 fathers grieve their child.

It is unnatural to lose a child. In any matter, and in any event.

I know those mommies and daddies hurt. The very breath in their lungs burn. They wake from dreams and walk a nightmare. I know they cannot swallow past the tears that clog their throats.

I want to DO something. I want to rub a back or hug a neck. I want to make sense of it all. I want to erase the fear from the faces of the children that I see, in the paper, walking hand on shoulder.

Frightened, scared. Confused.

Children live in a bubble. It is one built of love and constructed of trust. It is thick and it is strong and it was placed there by parents who love them MORE then they love themselves.

Parents who would give their own breath to fuel the body of their child.

Children love everyone. They trust everything, and believe in the magic that we place before them. Just as they should.

But now...these children who have cowered and been covered by the shaking bodies of their teachers, Who have been clutched to relieved parents chests, thier hair cried upon....will they still believe?

In the power of magic. In the word of adults. Will they still give trust where it is undeserved?

Will they wake in their sleep and cry out for their friends lost forever...

I can almost hear the hit of knees. Thousands upon millions as they fall upon them to pray.

The slap of trembling hands and the utterance of words.

Prayers.

Millions of them. Said in whispers and whimpers. Given in strong voices and weak alike.

I know we pray, and we ask why. And this question will never be answered. How can it?

Why the fuck did this happen? To the most perfect. The innocent. The silly.

How do I explain this to my children...My mind races and naturally calms. It calms and tries to make sense of it all....But It cannot.

It cannot fathom the reasoning behind this. Because there is none.

Addiction.

I stumbled out of bed this morning and reached for my can.

Shit.

It was empty...... EMPTY!

(In my mind I sounded EXACTLY like chewbacca right then.)

I looked at Karma who was at my feet. My eyes were bleary..I would rub and rub but alas, this blearyness is a side effect (I am SURE) to the empty can, now clutched to my chest.

"Karma. WHY is the rum always gone?" I asked in a bad.... BAAAAAAD Jack sparrow accent.

Karma did not know, hence she flopped onto her back and proceeded to try and itch it on my kitchen floor.

I stared at her, I swear for 3 minutes straight....or...maybe I fell back asleep...I dunno.

"Oh no." I whispered to the quiet house with two sleeping children inside. "I'm ganna have to go out and get more."

I threw on clothes that I found in random places, covered my top side with a jacket of some sort and left the house.

It was foggy. I kept blinking my eyes, because I figured something was wrong with them. But no....Fog.

I started the car and squinched down in the seat, Regina Spektor sang on the radio about ball eyes and lip mouths and I sang with her. Waiting impatiently for my windows to defrost enough to drive. I contemplated walking, but...fuck that.

Finally!!! I had exactly 3 inches of window that I could see out of, and I put it in reverse. Muttering to myself that I almost had it...be patient.

 It was only a block away. As I parked I noticed a man standing outside the building, three feet away. I did not care.

He approached me and I growled at him.

"Hey!" He said. Oh my god he was SO offended, and I paused...."Did that growl sound like chewbacca to you?" I asked. My throat harsh with just woken upiness.

"No." He scowled.

I growled again and pushed past him to go inside. It was warmer there, so I didn't have to clutch my jacket around my body.

I stood on the welcome mat and blinked my eyes.

I rubbed my eyes.

I looked around.

I threw my head back and moaned...

"I Neeeeeeeeeeed coffeeeeeeeee!"

I whined to anybody who would listen.

"Oh my god!" The lady behind the counter said. She came around and walked me over to the coffee place. "Here!"

"But...but...I don't want that one. That one is stupid I dont like it."

She laughed.

I pointed to the coffee that had a sign on it OUT OF ORDER!!!! It proclaimed.
That out of order sign practically bitch slapped me. Im just sayin.

"I want that one, but that one is gone. It is all gone and that one is all i waaaaaaaaaant."

She laughed again and shook her head "That one is fine."

"But...there is a sign."

"Ignore the sign. I make it. It is good."

I pushed back my hood, and grabbed a big honken cup. I started filling it. The lady stood there next to me....I dunno why. "Do I look pretty?" I asked.

Her eyes slid over my fucked up hair, with three bobby pins shooting up from my scalp, my running eyemakeup, and my clothing.

I looked down.

I wore Shanes fleece superman pajammas. The legs were two feet two long, so I was walking on them. I wore a bright green polkadot shirt, and an old Bobby Jack hoodie. I dont even know where it came from.

"Yes...you do." and she walked off.

I don't know WHY I ask people that all of the time, when I KNOW I look like hell on two fleeced legs, but I always do.

I guess I am waiting for someone to tell me the truth.

No one ever does, except Brandee.
But she is mean and plus a bully.

My cup was full and I sugared it and creamed it. I stuck a straw in the top and sucked back an inch of it.

I sighed.

I am addicted.

At the register the lady was laughing at me.

"Did Shane get a part in the play?" She asked while she rung me up

"Yes...your son?" I said around the straw in my mouth.

She nodded.

I have been coming to this store since Shanes first day of Kindergarten. We use to get a slurpee every day. Now he is a senior in highschool. Im old and I know, NOT CUTE when I first get up.

I leave the store and the man is still standing by my car.

I open the door with my hand, but push it open with my body, whining the whole time. "ooooooopen!" I say to the hunk of metal.

It does.

I drive home, and Karma greets me at the door. I think she has figured out why the run is always gone.

Blinders..

On Thanksgiving, I sat in front of my computer twice, my fingers poised over the keys.

The Facebook asked me, rather nosey-ly I might add.

It was the day to post what we are thankful for....I would leave the chair and return several times. What am I thankful for?

 There is an elephant in the room on each of my days. On every morning upon waking and finding yet another baby shoe to trip on. On seeing Mrs. Maria at work, The sadness in her eyes mirrors my own.

In the empty backseat and the empty highchair. It sounds cold, I know, to ignore the fact that Jorden is gone. I can ignore it or embrace it and as of yet the thought of embracing the gaping hole inside of my heart is unbearable. Instead I bury it down...so deep down inside of me that it is muffled and cannot be heard, felt or touched.

I will take it out again when the pain as lessened and I can analyze my feelings as well as the reasoning behind the human beings who would do this.

My Daddy taught me, Your mind can play tricks ON you, or play tricks FOR you. And as of yet I am enjoying the tricks the mind plays for me. The numbing of my heart is automatic....It cannot be healthy. But there it is.

I am not the type to wallow. In grief, in depression or in the act of dispair.

I have to focus on something....anything...

I am thankful to those friends who helped me focus, when my eyes could not.

I am thankful for the place that I work. ( don't tell my boss) I love my job and I love all of the children housed in my classroom. My little tiny snotty squishes. Who make me laugh when I forget too.

I am thankful for friends who help me every single day. To laugh, to worry...to find the next thing to look forward too.

I am MOST thankful for Shane and Emma, who constantly amaze and thrill me with their humor, wit and laughter.

I am thankful for everything good. Every scrap of goodness that can come out of this world. I say a silent 'Thank you' for. The blink of a christmas light, the laughter of a child. The kiss between two people, even if I do not know them.

A smile, a new movie, and exciting event in someone elses life..... Feeds me happiness, Joy and Hope. I latch on to it like a succubus, drinking heavily and coming away fulfilled.

Handerpants...

I don't know how my sons head got so big.

I really don't. But it is.

I don't know how the time has flown by so incredibly fast. He is a senior. A SENIOR. In highschool.

WHAAAAAT?!

Yesterday afternoon he stumbles out of bed at noon. He sits at the edge of my bed and stares at the TV. I was walking past him, picking up laundry from the floor. (YES my floor. Who has time to make it in the hamper really?)

 Shane is intensely funny and most of the time I stare at him and my heart expands in my chest.

I shake my head, and thank whatever divine powers gave him to me and make a snarky comment about his waking up so late.

There is no way that my parents loved me as much as I love my children.

Emma is a beauty/genius who most of the time outsmarts Shane and I.

Our family unit is strong, funny and unabashedly...embarrasing for all of our friends.

Yesterday Shane's best friend (And EVERYONE KNOWS my favorite) walks through the door. I had just changed from my purple blouse and skirt, AKA my funeral attire, and layed down on the couch with Emma.

In my hand I held the remote, and because Jorden is not here this weekend BOTH doors were open, and there was a breeze wafting over my body.

Happiness.

Jose walks in, and I remember that I promised to take the boys to the Halloween store. My body tries to sink into the couch, but alas...It cannot because of the fatness.

"Hi JOSE!" I say in happiness.

"Hello Family. I wanted to make sure you were here."

I inwardly sigh, because at the moment the couch is THE most comfortable place in the history of the world. EVER. And my soft squishy daughter was laying on top of me. Her head against my left breast and her arms snuggled around my fat.

The T.V was paused on some ghost story and our toes, prior to Jose walking in, had been curled in fear.

"Let me go change." I say in excitment. (Who says patience is the most important thing to learn whilst parenting? Methinks it is fake happiness)

We get into the car.... Shane is nice and lets Jose sit in front. He squishes in the back with Emma. They immediately start hand slapping and arguing. "STOP FIGHTING!" I say.

I hear them whisper threats back and forth to each other while I talk to Jose in the front seat "Jose...what did you do yesterday?"

"Um..I worked."

"Seeee Shane? Jose worked! Why haven't you worked yet??? ....Jose do you have an F like Shane. Shane just got an F and it about broke my heart."

"Um...no...I have a C though."

"A C!!! What I would give for a C."

"MOM!...Uh...SEE JOSE! I am abused. Listen to my mom. I am going to call CPS and tell them my mommy abuses me and stuff."

"Oh go ahead. You are mean. You are a real bad bad boy!" I exclaim. "But I am just saying. Jose what did you do this morning?"

"Uhhhhh...." His eyes flick back and forth. I hear Shane utter "oh noo." In the backseat

"I uhhhh went to acollegetourthismorninggg." All in one sentance. Like he didn't want me to hear it.

"A College tour?! Shane! Why aren't we going on college tours?"

"Oh shit." Shane mutters behind me "Jose...just...stop making my mom like you more then me."

Which is just UNTRUE. Shane is perfect to me. He is hilarious and tall and a genius on stage. He has made lasting friendships and last week while getting shots at the doctors he asked the nurse if they would give him superpowers, simply because he would like to fly.

I just like to fuck with him.

We went to the Halloween store, and as we walked up I asked Jose if he was embarrased going out with Shane whilst he wore Handerpants and pajamma bottoms. He assured me that Shane was cool no matter what he wore, as long as he was comfy. (See why he is my favorite???)

While inside Emma started running around the store bumping into poor old ladies SIMPLY because I was slowly stalking her with a faceless mask.

We left and Shane decided he wanted a crash test dummy skin suit. "WHAAAAT!???" I say. "Are you fucking kidding me right now? No. NO you cannot have a skin suit."

"But I want it and you should get it for me because you love me and you are the best mommy in the world."

"No."

"BUT..."

"NO! Your wanger danger will show."

He laughs. "It will not. I will wear underwear."

"It doesn't matter! You can wear underwear and it will STILL show." I keep walking to the car.

"Jose...jo...jose...are you okay?" I hear shane laugh and say.

"WHAT IS WRONG WITH JOSE!" I shout over my shoulder.... I keep walking (thinking about my couch and my daughter and scary shows. I look back once more.

Jose is hunched over laughing.

He cannot talk.

"See shane. Look what your winger dinger does." I mutter.

"Uh! It is not my fault! You did it. oooooh my mommies mad at me." He starts laughing with Jose and they get into the car.

Jose hunches over to the right and is still laughing. I ask him if he is okay. He nods.

"OOOOOOH! Baskin robbins!" Shane exclaims. "Can we have some?!"

"NO!" I say

"Ohhh mommy, just one scoop?" Emma asks

"Okay."

Shane laughs because Emma made me change my mind so fast, but really? Who says no to icecream? Communists thats who.

We converge on the parlor and Emma picks mine out. Jose chose cookiedough on a cone and shane (Wearing his handerpants no less) chose sherbet.

I give shane half of my mississippi mud icecream and my heart glows.

Because this is why I wake up extra early every day. Because of my babies. Who I love more then anything and everything.

Who make me glow with pride (F or not) and laugh at their  humor.

They are getting too big TOO fast. It has passed in a blur. In a minute increment of time.
Too fast.

Grief.

Grief surrounds me.

I can feel it thicken on my skin and attach to my heart.

It diggs into my memories and flashes of my father flicker beneath my eyelids.

Grief.

Time heals.

These are the words I say to Brandee and Dawn, both down a father in the month of October. Two similar lives, two men who lived each day for their daughters. They are gone, and I am at a loss for the right words to say.

What do you say?

How do you hold a friend?

What can soothe the ache that burns inside thier soul?

Nothing....just time.

At Dawn's daddies funeral service I just wanted to lay myself over her.

I wanted to protect Dawn. I wanted my shoulders to sop up her tears.

I sat behind her at the service and rubbed her back. I don't know if she felt me. But I was praying the whole time for her. I want time to speed up and her heart to heal.

I wanted to make her laugh and watch her eyes alight.

I wanted to spend more time with her then my work schedule allowed....

Yesterday I walked into Brandee's dads celebration of life. I wore purple in his memory and quickly pinned together a Harley flower to my shirt. One that I made because I am so broke that I figured I would get artsy.

Brandee and Mandy meet me outside. They do this because they know that I am uncomfortable. We go inside and Brandee rushes to the bathroom to "put on her face", And I see her daddys Harley there, in the bar. It sparkles beneath the lights, and the leather handlebar tassels swing to and fro as each person walks around it.

My eyelids tingle and I press my hands to them. They burn and I cannot stop the tears that well up from beneath my lids.

"You okay Beanie?" Mandy asks, a questioning look on her face.

"Yeah. Yes. I am fine." I shake my head and dab away the tears that threaten to fall.
I cannot let them.

How silly of me to cry.

How weak, when I need to be a source of strength.

How dare I cry. What kind of a friend is that?

I shrug and Brandee approaches. She see's my tears and moans "ohh...ooooh....Beanie is crying.." And she wanders off the other way.

My eyes keep catching on the shine of the Harley.

It reminds me of my daddy. 

 I can see him straddle his bike and feel the fear and excitement in my heart as I scramble up behind him.

I can feel the thickness of his waist and feel the flannel of his shirt beneath my cheek as we start to move...as the rumble fills my small body.

I can smell the fumes and old spice in my nose. Feel my fingers grasp the loops in his pants....

Mandy puts a Margarita on the table in front of me. "Drink up Beanie." She says with a smile, and I lay my head on her for a second.

The day moves and my tears dry. By the time I leave I have recieved immunity from my memories.

I look down....

On my hand is drawn a turtle.
One that bears a heart in the center of her shell.
My turtle is a she.
Her name is Angie and just yesterday morning she has ended her fight (And what a fight it was) with Cancer.

She leaves behind a little girl Emma's age. It makes me cry. It makes me sad.

I rub the turtle on my hand as I drive home to Shane and Emma. I spend the day with them and they make me laugh.

They beg me for icecream, and I give in.

Brandee and Mandy bring me food left over from the service. I tell my children that they are eating funeral food tonight.

Mandy farts in the back window, right in Shanes face.

Brandee laughs.

Time will heal.

At Emmas birthday party last week, Spencer hold himself up. He moves along the couch and flashes his dimples at his momma.

Dawn laughs.

Time will heal.

But until then, know that I am here. And I will hold you, and make you laugh. I will dry your tears with my hair and kiss your head.

I love you. And even though every beat of your heart echos an ache. The ache will come less and less. Laughter will accompany your fathers name, and time indeed...will heal your hearts.