I didn't love you then.

Two months ago I started my new job. I was scared. Nervous. But my heart led me.

The first day in my new classroom was, to say the least....interesting.

Every time I called my students Squish face, Hunk of love or squoosh, they looked at me strangely.
By the time circle time  rolled around one asked me "Do you NOT know how to say our names? My name is C-O-V-I-N."

"No, I do know how to pronounce your names, I just prefer to call you squish face."

"Oh...um...okaaaay?but...WHY?"

"Because I am your teacher and I want too... and In my class you never ever argue with the teacher."

"Okay then."

At circle time I sat on the floor and stared into 6 strange new faces. "Hello children. I am Mrs. Beanie."

"Beanie?...like...a bean?"

"Yes."

"Is that your real name though?"

"Yes."

He stared at me and half smiled "I have never heard of that name before."

"Well, I have never heard of the name Covin before either. But now I have...and so we move on."

During circle time I sang and the children stared. Half heatedly clapping, all the while glancing at one another.

I felt like I was in another dimension.

"What do you want to do today children? What shall we learn about?"

"You're the teacher...that is sorta up to you."

hmmmmm...

When a 5 year old talks to you like he is 35 it is...unnerving. quite.

We moved forward and I spent the remainder of the day observing the kids and watching their mannerisms.

They didn't seem to have a sense of humor. I tried joking....nothing. I tried making silly faces...Nada....I made up silly songs that rhymed quite brilliantly....ZILCH.

On the way home, I stared at Brandee. "I quite feel like city mouse visiting country mouse." And She agreed.

But here's the thing...these children...were POLITE. Asking to please be excused before leaving the table, These kids were SIMPLE...Singing the 10 little Indian song with happiness. A song I had not heard since my OWN childhood.

I did not want to ruin them. What if I sang a silly song and they turned into beasts who punched their friends in the crotch and flipped me the bird.

They were innocence. Raised....differently, almost as if they were in a different time. A simple time. Where a good time was making sand angels and playing badmitton.

Two weeks passed by and when one certain child  came into our class the whole class greeted him as such "GOODMORNING HUNK OF LOVE!" I smiled, and so did his mom.

A month passed and a child asked "Beanie...is it Friday yet?"

"Nope...almost"

"Oh gooood. Cuz I wanna do the booty shake Friday dance."

I smiled.

When Star Wars Day came, I announced that we would be making star wars masks and reenacting light saber fights. They stared. "What is Star Wars?"

I gasped. I clutched my chest "You do not know what star wars is children?"

"No."

"Your parents have done you a great disservice."

Just then my hunk of love arrived. The children told him it was star wars day and he grinned. "OH YEAHHHHH!" he achieved a fist pump and after telling him that they had never seen star wars, I instructed him to teach circle time while I furiously traced out Darth Vador masks.

Within 30 minutes the children asked me if they could use markers as light sabers. "Absolutely...but if Mr.Juan comes, you hide them."

"Agreed." My hunk of love nodded

I have made every single one of my students hug me every single day. "Why do you need hugs so much?" one asked me "Because you are children, and YOU need hugs...every single day."

"We do?"

"Indeed."

Two months into my new job, and every single day...is a happy one. The children fight over who gets to sit next to me at lunch. They bring me star-wars stickers and fill me in on the episodes they have watched now.

They gladly march on the wooden porch and sing yet another song about Juan.

They hold up their fingers and believe that they become invisible.

They answer me when I ask them what they want to learn about today.

They sing with me at circle time and laugh at me when I snort.

My cabinet is filling up with star wars coloring pages made for me, with love.

They hug me, without me asking, and tell me I am pretty. 

When a new student came and accidentally called me "Mrs. Beemie." Covin corrected him "It is BEANIE...not Beemy...get it right!"

"Covin. Be nice. Remember how YOU reacted to my name my first day?"

He smiles shyly. "Well yeah...but that was different."

"How so?"

"I didn't love you then."

Repeat after me!

I love how children will repeat what I tell them too..


OH the power I wield in my hands. SOME people my be happy running a country or deciding on budgets, but ME? I'd rather be in charge of what children do and say. It is much, much funnier.

"Children..when Mr.Juan comes in, hide behind your fingers. It will make you invisible."

He enters the room and pauses. All 9 of my children (and myself) are giggling and holding their fingers in front of their noses, amazed at this new superhuman power that I have given to them

He stares, knowing that we are doing SOMEthing...he just doesn't know what.

"He can't see us kids! see? our fingers make us invisible" I repeat.

"OH! My gosh. where IS mrs. Beanie and those kids!" and he walks out.


************************************


We sit in circle time. Our legs folded and our hands resting in our laps. I am reading to them and they are avidly listening. These kids love stories.

A fly lands on one child's head. He waves his hands about.

It lands on another child's nose. He waves his arm and scowls at the slooooowly buzzing fly.

I am losing their attention, and it PISSES me off. So I pick up a thin book and scowl at the fly. I stalk it and hold my breath. WHACK!!! .... the fly is dead. I scoop it into a cup to feed our ants later, and the children exclaim "WOW! Did you just see Ms. Beanie!!! How did you DO that!"

"I, children, went to a super ninja fly killing school....it's very exclusive. When you grow up. maybe you can go too."

They sit and stare at me. One whispered to the other "When I get big Imma go to that ninja fly school too!"

************************************

 

"Mrs. Beanie, why do you call me gorgeous face?"

"Well...ummm...cuz you are cute?"

"I am?"

"Uh...yeah!! Didn't you know?"

he smiles

The next day when he walks in 10 kids sing loudly "Goodmorning gorgeous face!!" His mom smiles.


************************************

Buh bye Beanie.

When I made the decision to leave Kinder care, it wasn't easy. Kinder care has been my home for almost 5 years. Some of the school age children, I potty trained. I feel as deeply embedded in the 43 year old tiles as anyone.

It is something I thought hard about, Asked the opinion of others, held family meetings about and weighed out the pro's and cons.

I am not about to blather via the internet WHAT it was that pissed me off so. Sorry. I can't do that.

I will tell you that I reached out to the one other person that I have wanted to work with. And as it happened, he wanted to work with me as well. (I kinda already know that he loves me anyway)

My list of questions was long, and after speaking to Dawn I decided that for ME... My best choice was to gracefully bow out. Kinder care is going a new way and Beanie did not want to follow.

That last day was hard. I held Kingston on my lap as he begged me not to go "But...Beanie. I really don't want you to go. But...will you come BACK?"


"Ummm. no Kingston. Maybe to visit I will."

"Well then I don't like that Beanie, and it makes me very upset with you."

"I am sorry. I love you. You will see me on your mamas facebook."

"Yeah" He nods his head (Which was once so gigantic and now, sadly, is proportionate to his body.)

"Maybe you can come back on Thursdays, because on Thursdays I am in a good mood."

I just kissed his normal size head, which he HATED and squooshed him into my arms.

The HARDEST part was leaving Deanna. My co-teacher. Because I love her and she loves Jesus and has a big booty and laughs at EVERYthing that I say.

She didn't want to hug me goodbye. I had to chase her down. I tried not to cry, but when her arms wrapped around me. I couldn't help it.

She whispered through her tears "There is only one Beanie...and now we don't have you anymore...he does."
And I cried.

And even though I have now moved and I do love my new students, and my co-teachers are nice. I miss all of my babies and Deanna every single day.

Poop eye...

On Tuesday of the week before last, it felt like there was something in my eyeball. The left one. The BELLSPALSY one.

I kept blinking and squinting and bending low to ask my children if they saw something floating about in it.

"Nope."


"Yep. I see your eye Mrs. Beanie."


" What exactly should I be looking for here?..."

When I got home, I took my eye wash that I own and flushed my eye with it. (It felt real real good.) but alas. My eye still scritched and scratched.

SOMEtimes, when I am over tired, my bells palsy eye will get sorta dry. I can't explain it. When it happens. I just basically have to moisten it or go to bed.

Wednesday: when I woke up. My eye was swollen and it would not open so I pried it open. My eyeball was red. It was crusty. "Fuck" I murmured to my reflection.

I texted my boss: "Brandee farted on my pillow...either that or a ghost punched my eyeball while I slept. I cannot come into work."

I felt fucking ridiculous missing out on work because of a fucking eyeball, but if it WAS pink eye. It is contagious.

I called my sister, asked her to google 'pink eye remedies' and picked up something at Walgreens. I wasn't concerned. I just knew that this would go away soon.

Mandy brought me medicine that day. She woke me up while I was in bed and gave it to me. Standard pink eye prescription.


Thursday: I wake up and run to the mirror. SURE that my eye will miraculously be better. I have medicine now!


Nope.
Fuck no.

It is worse.

My eye is swollen and red andblahhhhhh.

I want to cry. But I call out instead. I spend the day in my bed with an icepack firmly attached to my face.

FRIDAY: (Otherwise known as Wear ANYTHING you want day) Otherwise OTHERWISE known as, the day beanie can feel her soul is free because she gets to wear what she wants and feel like a damn princess at work....but i digress...

....My eye was glued shut. And if there any lid to my eye before...now it was gone.
I wanted to cry, but I doubt that would help.

I called everyone I could and told them that Brandee ruined my life because she farted in my eye with her gigantic booty. Everyone was aware that this was ALL HER FAULT.

My eye now hurt and I fisted gigantic baggies of ice into my eye all damn day long. (I automatically feel like ice makes everything better.)

I tripped over EVERYTHING. I ran into the walls. and by this point I had not seen Jordan for 4 days.
By now Beanie was pissed. My eye ball....really??? regardless, I made it over to pick up Jordan. 4 days is too many days for me....

SATURDAY:     It's bad. Now it is seeping. My undereye is so swollen, I now look like I have a Goddamn pussy for an eye.

This is the day of the huge rummage sale...I slap on some glasses. I go and start to help set up. Each time I bend over, my eye POURS out...i dunno...something gross.

My entire face is swollen now, and to be honest, I'm freaked out because it's my palsy side. And anything that happens on that side, just freaks me out.

Brandee shows up and takes a look at my eye. Which is swollen shut and leaking. I put my glasses back on my face and try to seperate clothing.


"I reeeeeally want you to go to the hospital Beanie."


"Noooo. I'm fine." I lift my glasses "Don't you think it looks a teeny bit better?"

"No. No I don't"

I figure hey. Maybe this moving around is leaking out the bad stuff. Ill walk it off. Yeah. that's it!
Soon I realize the futility in this. I'm exhausted. My face hurts. My eye hurts. Something is wrong.

I agree to go, only if Mandy goes too, and makes sure everyone is nice to me at the hospital, because I have no insurance.

We leave. Pick up Mandy and head in. The staff at Memorial medical center were indeed, very nice.

We sat in the waiting room. Brandee on her phone, Mandy on her ipad thingy, and me wiping my eye with a towel that I kept in a ziplock. I kept making Mandy look at me "Mandy, am I still beautiful?"

"Yes. Beanie, you are always beautiful."

I knew she was lying because my eyeball had turned into a cunt. But then again. She is a lesbian. Maybe they go for seeping cunt eyes. But I knew, she just loves me and wants me happy. So everytime I asked, she would tell me yes.

You know it's bad, when the doctor walks in and says "I'm sorry that I am staring." and then snaps a photo of your face....I'm just saying.

When they numbed my eye I was scared. When he UV lighted it, making brandee hold the light. It kinda freaked me out. When he scraped my eyeball with a q-tip thingy, I went to my happy place.

One that DIDN'T involve cunt eye or Uv lights. One where penises were swinging around and talking to me. Dancing and hopping on their soft squishy ball feets.

Soon it as over, and the doctor proclaimed that I have never had pink eye at all. I had scratched my cornea and then had an allergic reaction to my drops. He said I would get a shot of antibiotics, some steroids and a better eye cream.

I was relieved.

Mandy rubbed my arm while the nurse put a shot in my buttocks.

And on Monday I went to work. My eye had reopened but I couldn't make up it. I was barefaced Beanie, and I scared my children I think. They all said they wanted to see my pink eye. Because Mr.Juan said I didn't never ever wash my hands after I went to the bathroom and so I have poopeye.

I wanted to kick him.

By Tuesday I could wear light makeup.

By Wednesday I was good to go.

Now I am always scared of something getting lodged in my eyeball. Sand, weeds.... testicles.

So I have decided to wear sunglasses every day for the rest of my life.

A day with Emma ARCHIVE 2/2007

My backs been bad. But we needed food.

and really...whats a mom to do?

Friggen pop a few pills and haul her ass to the store that's what.

Moms don't get to get jacked up o vicodine and sleep for a week...oh nooooo.

okay..okay...I'll leave that lie there.

Now. Emma and I were perusing the isles of WINCO. I do believe we were in the cereal isle. It is Emma's turn to pick out the cereal, last time Shane picked out raisin bran...which she hates.

She is looking for the pirates of the Caribbean cereal.
She is having no luck.

She sighs, tosses her waist length hair behind her back and grabs up a box of fruity loops.
Her eyes meet mine.

"This isn't exactly what I want.." she shrugs "it'll do tho.." And with a heave she chucks the box into our overflowing basket.

I reach down and graze her bangs with my fingertips.

"It's okay baby..maybe next time." i softly say.

I smile as i take in her cowboy boots, jeans and grey short jacket.

She's a doll. Toph and I are such proud parents of our two twerps.

We get to the end of the isle. Winco is busy today. We stand still as baskets wiz past.
I feel like frogger. I lean down to say this to Emma, and as i do her face lights up and she sucks in a breath.

I raise my head so that i could see what she is seeing.

It's the Winco Midget.

I spotted him there about a month ago....maybe two.
Everyone knows that Dawn is frightened of them, and i use him for cell phone picture fodder as much as possible....

Emma sees him and her eyes alight. her cheeks turn Rosy and she inhales a breath....Lord knows what she is going to say.

I reach down and mumble her mouth with my hand. As i do i make this noise with mine "Mhhumishnobby"

She looks up at me, and gently pulls my hand from her mouth.

She is puzzled.

I can tell by her eyebrows. Her facial expression says this "What the fuccccccck are you up to now you strange woman?"

Lord knows that you can never tell with me.

She glances at the wee man again.

Once again. Her eyes alight...she inhales...I reach down again. "Mhhumishnobbyyyyy"

I pull her around the corner.

I squat down to her level.

"Emma....what were you going to say?" I am trying my best to hold in my giggle.
If you know my daughter then you are aware of her...wordings.

If you do not know Emma then i truly feel sorry for you. She is a gift.

I say "Emma Elizabeth...what were you going to say?" I say this as i bite my left cheek. HARD.

She is looking bewildered.

"Mama...was gonna say Look there..look momma...and ELF!"

I pulled her to me so fast that her head jerked back a tiny bit.

I buried my hand in her hair and my face in her neck and i laughed and laughed and laughed.

I smothered my laugh with her jacket.

I could feel her grin against my forehead.

I could feel her tiny hands pat my back.

I lift my face. My mommy meter is going off at an alarming rate.

BEEP. BEEP. BEEP.

There is a lesson to be learned here.

I stifle my laugh (okay okay i fricken TRY to stifle it)

"Emma remember when mommy told you that every person comes in different sizes?"

She nods.

"Small Tall fat..fricken bony ?"

She nods again.

She smiles.

She has a dimple in her left cheek. It charms me for a moment.

That wasn't an elf love...It was a midget."

"ooooooooooooooooooo"

I nod.

"Like the ones dawndee is scared of?"

My head goes back and i laugh. This laugh comes from my uterus. It is deep and long. It makes her smile and giggle at me.

I stand up. "Yes love. Like that. Only midgets are just regular people in smaller packages."

She nods. And understands. I cannot stop laughing tho. I set her up with some toys in an aisle and I frantically call dawndee. I snort my way thru it.

I hang up.

Lets go love.

And off we go to shop.

We near the end of this isle and Emma slows. She stops. she looks to the left and then to the right.
Her long hair sways.

"What in the world are you doing Em?"

She turns around and grabs the basket. She leans in and with her thumb and pointer finger she squishes down.

"I'm looking for the midget." She says with a wide smile and glowing eyes.

"I wanna squish him"

*sigh*

Later...

Emma is picking out yogurt. I am trying to explain to her that even tho trix yogurt and gogurts are both on sale...gogurt has two extra yogurts inside and so it is the better deal....

Yeah...

I know...

It bored her to near comatose too.


She is sitting on the edge of the icebox where the yogurt is kept.

She sits up straight..she sits up tall. her face alights. She smiles. A dimple pops out at me.

She turns to me.

"mooooom" she whispers. but not at all quietly.

She then hold up her left hand and with her right points to her hand. Like to her palm.

She is trying to hide her point.

I look beyond her palm.

There he is.

"heeeeeeeeeeeee" She smiles. "I like him!"

I roll my eyes.

"Gull!!!!"

She giggles and skips away. Only begging for 25 things by the time we reach the end of the refrigerated section........

Pudles are Crack for kids ARCHIVE 2/2007

Thursday night we took the kids to see Bridge to Tarabethia...

(Don't do it....dont...please...run...save yourself....)

Actually the kids loved it. Especially Shane. Toph and i? We rolled our eyes and yawned the whole time. I kept thinking of popcorn and dildos....don't ask why. I can't tell you why.

That is the way my mind works.

The other day a friend of mine told me that my mind jumps around like Frogger.

Seriously. That's TRUE!!! Cept I don't really get smooshed by cars and shit.

I'm seriously worse in real life. Toph has 12 years with me so if in the middle of dinner I start a conversation with "Anyway so she said yes."

He will usually search his mind vault and figure out who she is and why she said yes. It takes him a second. But he's good. He's real good.

Back to the movie..... See? 

So were on the way to the movie theaters. This time we go to the one near our house. It literally takes us 5 minutes to get too.
It is raining so hard at times and hailing on us at others. We're running and laughing and shouting "Hurry up kids!!!!"
Emma is searching out the puddles and with her hot pink boots she is.... SPLASH SPLASH!!!!!

"Emma! Get out of that puddle!!!!" Toph warns
We run we run...we're almost there.

I see a HUGE puddle.
I snatch Shane's shirt with my fingers. "Wait...look at the puddle. Lets go around."

(Shane is past the age of puddle splashing. Sadly It is no longer a priority to him.)

This is the great thing about having two kids and two parents. Whichever kid I take, Toph snaps up the other.
Shane and I hop the small cascading river that is running in the middle of the brick lines street.
I can hear toph to my right..... "Emma.....EMMA...EMMA!!!!"

Emma....she stomps thru it. She is smiling and popping those dimples as she does.

"Would you stop stomping thru the puddles Emma Elizabeth!?" Toph sounds exasperated.

"She can't help it." I say as I watch her head for another small puddle. "Puddles are crack for kids...That's like asking a crackhead not to smoke-toke it up."

Toph smiles and we both look at Emma.

I could have stopped her. I am mostly the disciplinarian in this family. Daddies fun and Mommy's the boss. *insert eye roll*

I didn't stop her. How long will she splash through puddles with such abandon and dimple pops? How long before she is worrying about her shoes?

Not long.

So I watch her hop the puddles. We watch her splash.

Hair Pie - ARCHIVE 3/6/2007

So after the MERL pictures. And BEFORE the pie the gals and I got on a subject.

A hairy one.

A crotch hairy one.

We were talking about our 4 day road trip to coachella this summer.

"I so can't wait to hear you fart Dawn!" (Dawn is a self proclaimed non farter....that is SO another story)

"What.EVER!!!" she smiled.

I looked at Geeka. "She's gonna fart in her sleep I KNOW IT!!!! We'll catch her!"

"I know! And poop! You're gonna have to poop while were there too!" Geeka chuckled.

"Whatever. Stop the insanity. why are you two obsessed with my farting anyhow?" she rolled her eyes and took a sip of her diet coke.

"You say you don't. And EVERYONE farts. EVERYONE!"

I nod in agreement.

"Well you two probably snore! I cant sleep with you. You snore. I will need earplugs."

"You snore too sista" Geeka laughed out. She looked at me with wide eyes "That's how she gets rid of all her farts...she snores em out nnnnnshhhhnnnnnshhh!!!" she made a snoring sound.

I laugh. HARD.

"And you two prolly poo with the door open and will want to chat huh? Beasts!!! I don't want to see your pubes while you poo!"

"Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat! You're not ganna see my pubes."

Geeka is no help. She is still laughing so hard at her damnself.

"Why won't I? Does your belly hang over em fattie?

"Friggen Dawn! Fuck you!" I smile and flip her the finger.

"Noooo. They are neat a trim and beautiful. That's why you wont see em !"

Dawn laughs. Geeka is silent.

"What do you mean trimmed Beanie? What do you mean? how are they trim...do you trim them"

I look at dawn. She shakes her head.

"I mean Toph trims em all nice and neat...wait a minute Geeka!!!! Do you have an amazon bush?? I so bet you do!!! A big ole bush!"

She sits back. "I do beanie. I do!"

"Like how big???" Dawn asks. They are both sitting across from me. Geeka shows her. On her LEG!

"SHIT!" Dawn slap's her hand over her mouth. She is laughing so hard. Geeka looks scared.

We share the restaurant with only one other group. They start to get annoyed by our laughter.

"Okayyyyy...Geeks. When is the last time you trimmed em? A little snip...a lil cut..when?"

She stares at me. Her hands are over her mouth. She leans forward and fiercely whispers "Never Beanie never!!!!"

Dawn and i stare at her. Suddenly she burst forth "Who teaches you that? WHO??? My mom didn't teach me that!!!! Why didn't she?!!!"

Geeka is OUTRAGED!

"Who taught you that Beanie...." she turns and looks at dawn. "Who!!" Her voice has risen.

"Common sense taught me that."

She leans forward again. Listening. Like I am about to impart the secret of life to her....in whispers.

"Whatdoyoumean?"

"Well...I want my shit licked...so i make it easier to get to."

Dawn nods. She pulls her hair out of the pony tail and laughs. She shoves her head in Geekas face. "Do you wanna lick my scalp Geeka?? Huh HUh??? You wanna lick it through all that hair? Shave that 29 year old bush geekaaaaaa."

We are bombarded with questions. We answer every one.

Almost every laugh whether it was wheezy, chuckely or giggly is punctuated with a dirty look from our fellow dinners.

We try to stifle it. It is so hard when the three of us get together. Each of us is funny in our own right.

As we leave Geeka and I make plans to speed across the street and pick her up some scisors...maybe a nice beard and mustache trimmer for ms. bush o lala.

I also stick my tongue out to the people in the booth with the dirty looks. The man just blinks at me. Seeing a grown woman do that is shocking sometimes.
He probaby thought I was special needs.

Over at Walmart we find the perfect pair for Geekas wild and crazy bush....