Handerpants...

I don't know how my sons head got so big.

I really don't. But it is.

I don't know how the time has flown by so incredibly fast. He is a senior. A SENIOR. In highschool.

WHAAAAAT?!

Yesterday afternoon he stumbles out of bed at noon. He sits at the edge of my bed and stares at the TV. I was walking past him, picking up laundry from the floor. (YES my floor. Who has time to make it in the hamper really?)

 Shane is intensely funny and most of the time I stare at him and my heart expands in my chest.

I shake my head, and thank whatever divine powers gave him to me and make a snarky comment about his waking up so late.

There is no way that my parents loved me as much as I love my children.

Emma is a beauty/genius who most of the time outsmarts Shane and I.

Our family unit is strong, funny and unabashedly...embarrasing for all of our friends.

Yesterday Shane's best friend (And EVERYONE KNOWS my favorite) walks through the door. I had just changed from my purple blouse and skirt, AKA my funeral attire, and layed down on the couch with Emma.

In my hand I held the remote, and because Jorden is not here this weekend BOTH doors were open, and there was a breeze wafting over my body.

Happiness.

Jose walks in, and I remember that I promised to take the boys to the Halloween store. My body tries to sink into the couch, but alas...It cannot because of the fatness.

"Hi JOSE!" I say in happiness.

"Hello Family. I wanted to make sure you were here."

I inwardly sigh, because at the moment the couch is THE most comfortable place in the history of the world. EVER. And my soft squishy daughter was laying on top of me. Her head against my left breast and her arms snuggled around my fat.

The T.V was paused on some ghost story and our toes, prior to Jose walking in, had been curled in fear.

"Let me go change." I say in excitment. (Who says patience is the most important thing to learn whilst parenting? Methinks it is fake happiness)

We get into the car.... Shane is nice and lets Jose sit in front. He squishes in the back with Emma. They immediately start hand slapping and arguing. "STOP FIGHTING!" I say.

I hear them whisper threats back and forth to each other while I talk to Jose in the front seat "Jose...what did you do yesterday?"

"Um..I worked."

"Seeee Shane? Jose worked! Why haven't you worked yet??? ....Jose do you have an F like Shane. Shane just got an F and it about broke my heart."

"Um...no...I have a C though."

"A C!!! What I would give for a C."

"MOM!...Uh...SEE JOSE! I am abused. Listen to my mom. I am going to call CPS and tell them my mommy abuses me and stuff."

"Oh go ahead. You are mean. You are a real bad bad boy!" I exclaim. "But I am just saying. Jose what did you do this morning?"

"Uhhhhh...." His eyes flick back and forth. I hear Shane utter "oh noo." In the backseat

"I uhhhh went to acollegetourthismorninggg." All in one sentance. Like he didn't want me to hear it.

"A College tour?! Shane! Why aren't we going on college tours?"

"Oh shit." Shane mutters behind me "Jose...just...stop making my mom like you more then me."

Which is just UNTRUE. Shane is perfect to me. He is hilarious and tall and a genius on stage. He has made lasting friendships and last week while getting shots at the doctors he asked the nurse if they would give him superpowers, simply because he would like to fly.

I just like to fuck with him.

We went to the Halloween store, and as we walked up I asked Jose if he was embarrased going out with Shane whilst he wore Handerpants and pajamma bottoms. He assured me that Shane was cool no matter what he wore, as long as he was comfy. (See why he is my favorite???)

While inside Emma started running around the store bumping into poor old ladies SIMPLY because I was slowly stalking her with a faceless mask.

We left and Shane decided he wanted a crash test dummy skin suit. "WHAAAAT!???" I say. "Are you fucking kidding me right now? No. NO you cannot have a skin suit."

"But I want it and you should get it for me because you love me and you are the best mommy in the world."

"No."

"BUT..."

"NO! Your wanger danger will show."

He laughs. "It will not. I will wear underwear."

"It doesn't matter! You can wear underwear and it will STILL show." I keep walking to the car.

"Jose...jo...jose...are you okay?" I hear shane laugh and say.

"WHAT IS WRONG WITH JOSE!" I shout over my shoulder.... I keep walking (thinking about my couch and my daughter and scary shows. I look back once more.

Jose is hunched over laughing.

He cannot talk.

"See shane. Look what your winger dinger does." I mutter.

"Uh! It is not my fault! You did it. oooooh my mommies mad at me." He starts laughing with Jose and they get into the car.

Jose hunches over to the right and is still laughing. I ask him if he is okay. He nods.

"OOOOOOH! Baskin robbins!" Shane exclaims. "Can we have some?!"

"NO!" I say

"Ohhh mommy, just one scoop?" Emma asks

"Okay."

Shane laughs because Emma made me change my mind so fast, but really? Who says no to icecream? Communists thats who.

We converge on the parlor and Emma picks mine out. Jose chose cookiedough on a cone and shane (Wearing his handerpants no less) chose sherbet.

I give shane half of my mississippi mud icecream and my heart glows.

Because this is why I wake up extra early every day. Because of my babies. Who I love more then anything and everything.

Who make me glow with pride (F or not) and laugh at their  humor.

They are getting too big TOO fast. It has passed in a blur. In a minute increment of time.
Too fast.

Grief.

Grief surrounds me.

I can feel it thicken on my skin and attach to my heart.

It diggs into my memories and flashes of my father flicker beneath my eyelids.

Grief.

Time heals.

These are the words I say to Brandee and Dawn, both down a father in the month of October. Two similar lives, two men who lived each day for their daughters. They are gone, and I am at a loss for the right words to say.

What do you say?

How do you hold a friend?

What can soothe the ache that burns inside thier soul?

Nothing....just time.

At Dawn's daddies funeral service I just wanted to lay myself over her.

I wanted to protect Dawn. I wanted my shoulders to sop up her tears.

I sat behind her at the service and rubbed her back. I don't know if she felt me. But I was praying the whole time for her. I want time to speed up and her heart to heal.

I wanted to make her laugh and watch her eyes alight.

I wanted to spend more time with her then my work schedule allowed....

Yesterday I walked into Brandee's dads celebration of life. I wore purple in his memory and quickly pinned together a Harley flower to my shirt. One that I made because I am so broke that I figured I would get artsy.

Brandee and Mandy meet me outside. They do this because they know that I am uncomfortable. We go inside and Brandee rushes to the bathroom to "put on her face", And I see her daddys Harley there, in the bar. It sparkles beneath the lights, and the leather handlebar tassels swing to and fro as each person walks around it.

My eyelids tingle and I press my hands to them. They burn and I cannot stop the tears that well up from beneath my lids.

"You okay Beanie?" Mandy asks, a questioning look on her face.

"Yeah. Yes. I am fine." I shake my head and dab away the tears that threaten to fall.
I cannot let them.

How silly of me to cry.

How weak, when I need to be a source of strength.

How dare I cry. What kind of a friend is that?

I shrug and Brandee approaches. She see's my tears and moans "ohh...ooooh....Beanie is crying.." And she wanders off the other way.

My eyes keep catching on the shine of the Harley.

It reminds me of my daddy. 

 I can see him straddle his bike and feel the fear and excitement in my heart as I scramble up behind him.

I can feel the thickness of his waist and feel the flannel of his shirt beneath my cheek as we start to move...as the rumble fills my small body.

I can smell the fumes and old spice in my nose. Feel my fingers grasp the loops in his pants....

Mandy puts a Margarita on the table in front of me. "Drink up Beanie." She says with a smile, and I lay my head on her for a second.

The day moves and my tears dry. By the time I leave I have recieved immunity from my memories.

I look down....

On my hand is drawn a turtle.
One that bears a heart in the center of her shell.
My turtle is a she.
Her name is Angie and just yesterday morning she has ended her fight (And what a fight it was) with Cancer.

She leaves behind a little girl Emma's age. It makes me cry. It makes me sad.

I rub the turtle on my hand as I drive home to Shane and Emma. I spend the day with them and they make me laugh.

They beg me for icecream, and I give in.

Brandee and Mandy bring me food left over from the service. I tell my children that they are eating funeral food tonight.

Mandy farts in the back window, right in Shanes face.

Brandee laughs.

Time will heal.

At Emmas birthday party last week, Spencer hold himself up. He moves along the couch and flashes his dimples at his momma.

Dawn laughs.

Time will heal.

But until then, know that I am here. And I will hold you, and make you laugh. I will dry your tears with my hair and kiss your head.

I love you. And even though every beat of your heart echos an ache. The ache will come less and less. Laughter will accompany your fathers name, and time indeed...will heal your hearts.