VD.

Tonight a million men are getting blowjobs because they remembered to send their wife some flowers. I think it is amazing actually. (Both the BJ's and the flowers.)

People say that Valentines Day is a day for women. I disagree. It is a day for men to hack down living plants and receive a *Hand job in return.

Or maybe it is a day designed by Gyms. So that after you inhale copious amounts of chocolate, wine  (semen?)  you can feel the guilt the NEXT day, join a gym and cuss out your husband/wife/lover/dog/boss/ for wanting to keep you fat.

The reason that I love Valentines Day, is because it is a day to reflect on the people in your life that you DO love. Who have changed your life, even if it is in a small way, and whom you LOVE.

Things I love.

1. I love My son. Sometimes I do not love the smells that he produces, but in some small way. I am responsible for that I am sure.

2. I love my daughter. Because she is funny, wise and almost always right.

3. I love Tater Tots. SO much so, that I JUST had to walk slowly to Karmas food bowl and deposit a plate full of them inside of it. Otherwise I would stuff them into every orifice that I own.

4. I love Valentines. The card ones in the envelopes. I love the sound the envelopes make when you rip them open.

5. I love that the ladies at work wore bright pink bras today.

6. I love that Karma is laying at my feet, and she smells good, which is new.

7. I love my job. It is happy THE END.

8. I love my walks everyday and the fact that when I chased the beast who mooshed cupcake into my face, my fat flapped less.

9. I love all of my tiny Valentines. They are small and boogery.

10. I loved all of my extra Valentine squishes today. (They were extra sticky)

11. I love that my fish eat pancakes.

12. I love that NicosValentine said that I was his HERO and that Juan was just Heroic. (That makes me better)

13. I love the look on someone's face when gifts are delivered to them in surprise. And even though it annoys a lot of people, I LOVE looking at all of the gifts bestowed upon my friends via Facebook.

14. I love sitting in the sand with all of the children at work and building sandcastles...or used car lots...what have you. I can't wait for it, and I don't care what I am wearing. If you are grumpy tomorrow...find a sandbox, sit in it and dig. It is good for you.



I hope that your Valentines Day was filled with love, and that it came to you from a giggle, a rose or a friendship.

I hope that if this day found you sad or depressed, you can look around at...ANYTHING...and find the beauty inside of it. I hope that a million men are grinning because their wifes/husbands/lovers felt like a chopped down rose, a heartbox of candy, or a best friend delivered over the states...deserved a swallow.

And tomorrow, when it is ONLY February 15th, (The day of the grinning couples)if you find yourself grumpy, or down in the dumps, you can find a nice warm box of sand to dig into.

Midnight Memory.

I hear tap...tap...tap...against the side of my house.

The wind is blowing, I tell myself, and I roll over and sink deeper into my comforter.

Tap...Tap..Taptaptap....        Tap...Tap...taptaptap...

My eyes fly open and in the night, I can see Karma, lit by my too late Christmas Tree. Her eyes are open. And her head is cocked to the left.

The taps are in perfect Cadence to a dance once danced. A new dance. One that you had to learn.
Who does not know how to dance?

You did not.


We stood in your entry way. A look of horror on your face as I demanded you listen to my expertise. I sang out loud with the tapping of my heels. "Tap..Tap ..TAPTAPTAP!" and I made you whisper "2..3..4"

The marble was polished so high that you could see a reflection of us in it.

Me being bossy...and you hating that I was.
You hating that I pushed you around the floor TEACHING something that you did not know. You were always uncomfortable there.

Not knowing something.


"Tap..Tap...TapTapTap!" I announced.

You stared at me. Your lips pursed, shoulders tight....Fucking pissed off.

"Now you!" I stomp my foot and push at your stiff body. "Tap..Tap..TapTapTap! I'm saying!"

"I hear you." 

"Fine. Look like a douche."

"Don't say that. Ladies don't say things like that."

I snort and lean down to pick up my bag. "You're so caveman-ish. It is 2009. I can say what I wish. Maybe I am no a lady. Maybe I am...just a woman and you are JUST a grumpy man....who cannot dance. Plus...will look like a douche."

"Fine. If I say it will you stop talking like that?"

"nope." I smile up at and ingest him.

 Black leather shoes whipped up to a shine. Perfectly tailored suit, a red ruby gem of a tie.
                                                           Silk. Red. Yum.
All topped with delicious curls that try to be tamed. They do their very best.
But fail.
They fail miserably. But I wont let him chop them yet.


I stare at them and he growls. And reaches for my hands. "Stoppit."

"I DIDN'T EVEN SAY ANYTHING!" I huff and move my body with his.
Now I'm pissed off. Now my shoulders are tight.


"...2...3...4..." He whispers, leans down and says into my hair "You don't have to say anything. Your eyes can fuck me from across the room."

I stop dancing.

I snort.

He grabs be again, forcibly this time. "And don't shout. Ladies do not shout.....ever."

My head is thrown back and I laugh. I laugh and I snort and I hiccup. Tears squeeze out from beneath my eye. Mascara runs down my face and still.... I laugh until I am hunched over from it.
My body heaving and he is laughing with me....




And they come again.

TAP...TAP...TAPTAPTAP

"2..3..4.." I whisper.


TAP...TAP...TAPTAPTAP...

"2..3..4.."

Karma is standing now. Her tail is wagging and it scares me.

I whisper to her "It is just the potato bushes. They are dancing for us." I pull her down beside me and bury my face into her fur. I shake the memories from my brain and sigh back into sleep.

Silence fills the wall...and my house. Karma huffs once, and rolls to the left. Sighing as well and giving up my ghost.

My body lightens and my eyelids become heavy once more.

Nothing more is tapped against the wall, And I smile and decide it was a dream of rememberance. One of happy and laughing and smiles..So I smile and sink into sleep.

The clock ticks. Softly from the living room, it's movements flick each eyelid.

Quietly now, once more it comes, tap...tap...taptaptap... and then no more.

Mirror Mirror...

Every morning while I do my makeup or my hair, I usually sing a little. Sometimes I dance a little...but MOSTLY I think.

About my day to come.

The days that have past.

Penises....

Or the amazing way may hair flips over to hide the greys.

THIS Morning however I thought of random questions. Questions that no matter where I look, I could not find a person to tell me the answers.

Questions like these:

It is said that if you put hemorroid cream around your eyes, it will tighten the skin there. So...what if you stuffed some in your vagina. (The cream not the tube) Would it tighten it? I am so curious.

How about cucumbers. They are supposed to hydrate the eyes as well.....so does that mean that they could hydrate other places? Do vaginas need to be hydrated? What about feet? Feet are dry sometimes.

 What about aprocot scrub. I use it religiously on my face. What about butt pimples? Should I scrub my hind end with the scrub of an apricot. What IS the scrub of an apricot?

COULD I find someone who would do try these things and tell me. Because I will not. My Vag is strictly prohibited to anything other then three select items. And cucumbers and asshole gel are not on the list.

I wonder if I could put an ad out on Craigslist and pay some one 20 bucks to try it.