We blow into the gym at 4:55 am
"Goodmoring ladies!" The check in dude greets us.
He's nice. He doesn't judge me for forgetting to take off my makeup and having whore mouth.
"Good morning to you!" I chirp happily.
"Mlehhh." Brandee mutters next to me. (That's happy good morning in 4:55am Brandee speak)
We have our weekly routine. And head back to our section. "Look at this bitch." I whisper, and nod my head to the right. Brandee looks over to see the woman running like there is a sale on Marc Jacobs.
"She has been running for 33 minutes." She whispers
"Wow! Do you think WE will ever run for 33 minutes?!"
"No." Brandee deadpans.
On M W F we do the circuit and on TH F we do the treadmill and the machines that we have nicknamed "Satan" and "SPAWN of satan"...respectfully.
I'ts Monday so we get to our section and wait for the light to turn green. I love going to the gym with Brandee for many reasons:
#1. I get to see my bestie every day
#2. We laugh...alot. And laughing is my second favorite thing to do.
#3. If I am going to die a death of sweat and heavy breathing, this bitch is going down with me.
At the circuit it is hard for me to remember every move from the pictures that are so "helpful" so we have nicknamed some of them.
One of them is called: Flap Happy
This is a nod to the fact that you have to kick high and I feel that my vagina is popping out to say hello to everyone...happy flaps come from California. Remember that.
While we do our machines we talk about the prior day or plan events.
I step onto a platform. "That's Flap Happy." Brandee reminds me
"Ah yes." I nod
The light turns green and I strategically point my vagina to the sky as I grunt "VAGINA!" each time I kick. SOME times I point it at people and kick strategically. Everyone should have some happy flap in their life. (even if they are unaware of the lazer like precision of my vaginal kicks)
Sometimes Brandee cheers me on.
"Ohmygod! This one is awful! I can feel it RIGHT in my double vagina."
SIDENOTE: I call my thighs double vagina. The reason? Simple: I have fat thighs, they are practically another vagina.
"You can do it Beanie!"
"Okay.." I pant
"Kick that double vaginas ass!"
"Take THAT double vagina!" I whisper "And THAT!"
The light turns red and I walk away from the platform quickly to pick up my water bottle. Brandee meets me at the half wall and grabs her water.
On Tuesday we warm up on the treadmill and head over to Spawn of Satan.
"Holy shit." I pant, as I push my legs up and down harder. We've been on the machine at Level 2 for 5 minutes.
"I know." Brandee pants next to me.
"Look at that guy." I gasp leaning forward on the machine until my chest is pressed against the controls and my arms are flapping about to keep balance.
Next to us is a man who wears giant earphones and is sprinting like a fucking bunny. Light and airy and easy.
"We suck" Brandee laugh/huffs
1 minute later our machine level goes up and you would have thought the world was ending.
"Oh fuck."
"What just happened?"
"Oh shiiiit"
"I'm hungry"
"I'm seriously ......going to .....DIE......Like...dead."
"Oh God."
"Fuck"
"Hey...." I reach over and smack Brandee in the arm. Both of our foreheads are pressed against the machine.
"Huh!" She gasps
"Look...over.....there...."I nod my head to the bunny sprinter. "What...level is he on?" I gasp
She looks over and then laughs, using her arm to wipe the sweat from her forehead.
"What?" I try to say, but my mouth is squished by my arms do to the fact that I have to redirect ALL of my energy on defeating this machine with my legs.... so it came out like "Wuh"
"He has been on Level 33 for 42 minutes."
"FUCK that guy man." I gasp "I hate him so hard."
"Me too." Brandee mutters
No Judgement Zone my ass.
