On Thursday evening I stood in my bedroom.
I did not know what I was supposed to be doing. Maybe I was in shock. I am not sure.
All I know is that there was absolutely nothing in my brain. I didn't know what I was doing, what I needed to do, or what I had already done, to get ready for this moment.
1995
I remember watching my fellow seniors graduate from High school. I sat In the seats, and quite honestly I was a little embarrassed. But I went to support Shanes dad. I sat there and held onto Shane and thought that I was the luckiest of them all, because I had him.
That day I had leaned down to whisper to him "When you graduate high school, I will be there and I will be proud of you."
2013
That day had come too soon.
And I just stood there in my room, looking at the 5 dresses placed out on my bed.
And I muttered "There are clothes. I need to put them on. I need to get dressed." Over and over again for 5 minutes I muttered.
My brain finally caught up with my mutters and I did what I was supposed to.
The whole time that I stared into the mirror placing eye shadow and foundation, eyeliner and mascara ....a conversation kept repeating in my memory.
1999
Shane was 4 and we were outside perched on the concrete steps of our apartment.
It was night and we both couldn't sleep. We were picking out constellations.
"What do you want to be when you grow up Shane?"
"I don't know. What can I be momma?"
"You can be anything in the entire world and thereafter."
"What do you want me to be?"
"I want you to be whatever your dream is. Whatever your heart desire is. If you want to be a ballerina, then I will be in the front row, holding signs and screaming your name."
"You would?" He giggled
"Absolutely."
He stared up at the night sky and sat down on my lap. He reached down and grabbed ahold of both my hands and he wrapped them around himself.
"When I grow up, I want to fly all the way up to the moon, and sit on it."
"You do?" I laughed
"Yes."
"Then you shall."
2013
I stared into the mirror and told myself "Do not cry. Do not." I blinked and blinked and breathed.
"Mom it is about time."
I turned and Shane stood there in his cap and gown. The 2013 sparkled in the light from the bathroom. "Are you ready?" He asked.
I looked up at him and blinked and blinked. "I don't know."
"Ah momma, It's okay." He murmured and he leaned down to hug me. "You look beautiful."
We walked out of my room and I took pictures. And then climbed into the car. I stared at his cap all the way to the field and while we sat and waited all that I was thinking is how lucky that I am, and how fast it has gone by.
It has been the most magical time of my life. The happiest time, filled with wonder and pride. To be a mom is to be young. To provide for a child, and to encourage that childhood to be filled with magic and laughter, is to live your own childhood over again.
And I have not done it alone. And this is the time for me to say the things that I have not been able to say in person these last few days, I have tried and have found that my throat tightens and tears threaten.
To Amador:
Thank you for never doubting my mothering skills. Thank you for always doing your best. You were a teenage father as well, and you have always been there for Shane, even when it was difficult. Thank you for renting a car every other weekend for years simply to come and get Shane. Thank you for letting him be who he is and accepting that. For loving him always.
You have done an amazing job. And I am proud of you.
To Crystal:
Thank you for loving Shane. You have been an amazing presence in his life, and I am so happy that you are his step mom. Thank you for popping out brothers and sisters for him to love. I appreciate you and the wonderful things that you have taught Shane and shared with Shane throughout the years. I love you and appreciate you.
To Chris:
Thank you for loving Shane from the minute he was born. Thank you for allowing me 13 years to stay home with him and do all of the silly things that we got to do. We never would have had that time if it wasn't for you. Thank you for being a part of our family.
To Michelle:
When everyone walked out of my life you held my hand and held my son and got us through it. Though miles separate us now. And time passes much too quickly, you were an essential element to the decisions that led us up to this. I love you and appreciate every moment that you gave us.Thank you for being a part of our family.
To Dawn and Jesse:
Thank you for loving Shane before everyone in the world did. Thank you for being in the crowd with me. Thank you for helping us through his surgery. And the divorce. Thank you for the laughter and the family that we have become. Thank you Jesse for the times you stayed late to pick him up from theater. Thank you for speeding here to make sure he was okay.
Thank you for sitting through his 6th grade graduation in the sun and years later crying together, looking at highschool pictures from states away.
We will always be family, and he will always be our foof.
To Brandee and Mandy:
Thank you for filling a void. Thank you for the fart fights and the family dinners. Thank you for coming to all of his plays and for giving hundreds of rides home. Thank you for redbox nights and laughter always. Thank you for loving Shane and all of his decisions.
Thank you for believing in us. Thank you for becoming our family.
Shane is so lucky to have all of you in his life. Thank you for helping him to become the amazing man that he is today, and no matter where his future takes him, whether it is to the Movies or the Moon, I know you all will be here as well, loving him.
Talk is CHEAP, I am not.
Monday, May 27, 2013
Sunday, May 19, 2013
Fate...
Dearest Shane,
The date is August the 21st, 1995 and you are 3 months old.
We just got back from taking a walk. You didn't like it too much, you screamed almost the entire time. You were hungry...like you mostly always are.
Even so, I enjoy you and our little "quiet" times together. It always makes me so happy.
I call you my little Angel that was sent to me from God, and I truly believe that you are. You make me so happy and have already taught me so much. You have taught me how to laugh at the smallest of things. To trust. But most importantly, you have taught me unconditional love.
And I thank YOU for that.
And I thank God for YOU.
People say that I have changed for the better since you have come into my life, and I believe that to be true. I am much happier now and much more patient.
I have come to learn that things happen for the best, and that you have to trust fate....and God.
I believe that God has our lives planned out for us already and that when bad things happen, it is really for the good of us.
You were no accident. You, Shane, were Fate. One that God had already perceived, thought out and planned.
If I could turn back time, I wouldn't change a thing. My life is so wonderful now that you have BECOME it. It is so fulfilling and I love you with all of my heart. I know that my love will only grow stronger for you as the hours, days and years pass by.
All of my love for eternity and there after,
Your Mom.
Todays date is May the 19th 2013.
I used to write Shane letters every three months or so. I would include in the letters my feelings and world news and happenings.
I don't know why I did it, but I can tell you now, that I am so thankful that I did.
It is like seeing back into the past.
Reading these letters, I can see myself hunched over the typewriter, praying to God that I could type lightly, so as not to wake him.
I knew that I was an embarrassment to my family. Hushed tones would welcome me at every door. Sly glances at my burgeoning belly and snickers behind wicked fingers.
I remember feeling sad that I had let down my family.
I never liked to do that.
My father couldn't look at me for months.
But almost always, when my cheeks would brighten and my eyes would well up, a kick would come from beneath my heart, and I would know that I could be stronger for him.
And I was.
Even if, at first, it was all make believe.
Soon he came into the world, and instead of kicking me from inside. He smiled at be from his crib. His head would pop up and his dimples would flash and I no longer had to pretend to be strong. I was.
I never had a mom. An honest to goodness "I gave birth to you and love you more then anything" mom. SO I was afraid that I would not know how to do it right. I was terrified that I would turn into my birth mother who left when I was a baby.
I had stepmoms who did the best that they could. But regardless, I always felt that she HAD to love me. Not that she necessarily did.
I never felt safe.
I was always scared.
And these feelings were not ones that I wanted my child to have to feel. Ever.
I know that parents have great expectations and that I did things in the wrong order, but right or right now. He happened. And he was a miracle.
I wish I could sit down beside my 17 year old self and tell her that she did the right thing. That everything would be okay. To just breathe.
And I wish I could tell EVERY young, single mother that is scared:
1. Always love your child's Father. Love him and respect him. Never EVER badmouth him. Keep everything from your relationship and put it in a shoebox to share with your child. Show him that he/she came from love. If he marries someone else, then love her too. Love her MORE. Respect her for the love that she gives to your child.
Love the children that come from that union that are the brothers and sisters to your child.
If he cannot pay you child support, understand. Help him out. Let him see his son even more. Life is rough. Be a family.
2. You ARE going to fuck up. It happens. Figure out what you did, and fix it. Erase a bad situation with Two good ones.
3. Never belittle your child. NEVER discipline your child in front of others.(Unless absolutely necessary)
Just wait.
Don't yell.
Always love them.
If they break something, spill something or fuck up something please understand that they feel sad about it. Have them try to fix it, clean it and make it better. And end it with a hug.
4. Sometimes your child needs you to break them out of school and take them to a movie. So ditch school, ditch work and once a year make it happen. They will never forget those times.
5. Be silly. Build forts. Let them paint on the walls. Things are replaceable, but memories last forever.
6. Have family meetings. They help keep the Family unit stronger. Google it. Or email me. Ill help you out.
7. Give your child the freedom to have their own individuality. Let them wear boots under dresses and umbrella hats to school. I can tell you that both of my children KNOW who they are, and if YOU don't like it. It matters not one bit to them.
8. Raise strong humans, by being one yourself. If you can't handle life, how will you teach them to handle theirs.
If you aren't strong fake it.
If you cant smile, fake it.
If you still can't smile spend more time with your children. They will make you giggle.
9. Give the gift of humor. Sing silly songs. Understand that children forgive, so forgive them.
10. Cherish this. Cherish everything. The laughter, the potty training and the fuck-ups. Every moment is a memory. Take the time to cherish it.
I wish I could go back in time and do it all over again.
I wish I could watch Shane Power Ranger over my couch and teach him to swim. I have enjoyed every moment of the last 18 years together. It flew by in the blink of an eye.
In the whisper of a breath.
I can't believe it.
And I cannot help but believe in that little girl who wrote her son a letter. To know that Shane being my son was and is ....Fate.
The date is August the 21st, 1995 and you are 3 months old.
We just got back from taking a walk. You didn't like it too much, you screamed almost the entire time. You were hungry...like you mostly always are.
Even so, I enjoy you and our little "quiet" times together. It always makes me so happy.
I call you my little Angel that was sent to me from God, and I truly believe that you are. You make me so happy and have already taught me so much. You have taught me how to laugh at the smallest of things. To trust. But most importantly, you have taught me unconditional love.
And I thank YOU for that.
And I thank God for YOU.
People say that I have changed for the better since you have come into my life, and I believe that to be true. I am much happier now and much more patient.
I have come to learn that things happen for the best, and that you have to trust fate....and God.
I believe that God has our lives planned out for us already and that when bad things happen, it is really for the good of us.
You were no accident. You, Shane, were Fate. One that God had already perceived, thought out and planned.
If I could turn back time, I wouldn't change a thing. My life is so wonderful now that you have BECOME it. It is so fulfilling and I love you with all of my heart. I know that my love will only grow stronger for you as the hours, days and years pass by.
All of my love for eternity and there after,
Your Mom.
Todays date is May the 19th 2013.
I used to write Shane letters every three months or so. I would include in the letters my feelings and world news and happenings.
I don't know why I did it, but I can tell you now, that I am so thankful that I did.
It is like seeing back into the past.
Reading these letters, I can see myself hunched over the typewriter, praying to God that I could type lightly, so as not to wake him.
I knew that I was an embarrassment to my family. Hushed tones would welcome me at every door. Sly glances at my burgeoning belly and snickers behind wicked fingers.
I remember feeling sad that I had let down my family.
I never liked to do that.
My father couldn't look at me for months.
But almost always, when my cheeks would brighten and my eyes would well up, a kick would come from beneath my heart, and I would know that I could be stronger for him.
And I was.
Even if, at first, it was all make believe.
Soon he came into the world, and instead of kicking me from inside. He smiled at be from his crib. His head would pop up and his dimples would flash and I no longer had to pretend to be strong. I was.
I never had a mom. An honest to goodness "I gave birth to you and love you more then anything" mom. SO I was afraid that I would not know how to do it right. I was terrified that I would turn into my birth mother who left when I was a baby.
I had stepmoms who did the best that they could. But regardless, I always felt that she HAD to love me. Not that she necessarily did.
I never felt safe.
I was always scared.
And these feelings were not ones that I wanted my child to have to feel. Ever.
I know that parents have great expectations and that I did things in the wrong order, but right or right now. He happened. And he was a miracle.
I wish I could sit down beside my 17 year old self and tell her that she did the right thing. That everything would be okay. To just breathe.
And I wish I could tell EVERY young, single mother that is scared:
1. Always love your child's Father. Love him and respect him. Never EVER badmouth him. Keep everything from your relationship and put it in a shoebox to share with your child. Show him that he/she came from love. If he marries someone else, then love her too. Love her MORE. Respect her for the love that she gives to your child.
Love the children that come from that union that are the brothers and sisters to your child.
If he cannot pay you child support, understand. Help him out. Let him see his son even more. Life is rough. Be a family.
2. You ARE going to fuck up. It happens. Figure out what you did, and fix it. Erase a bad situation with Two good ones.
3. Never belittle your child. NEVER discipline your child in front of others.(Unless absolutely necessary)
Just wait.
Don't yell.
Always love them.
If they break something, spill something or fuck up something please understand that they feel sad about it. Have them try to fix it, clean it and make it better. And end it with a hug.
4. Sometimes your child needs you to break them out of school and take them to a movie. So ditch school, ditch work and once a year make it happen. They will never forget those times.
5. Be silly. Build forts. Let them paint on the walls. Things are replaceable, but memories last forever.
6. Have family meetings. They help keep the Family unit stronger. Google it. Or email me. Ill help you out.
7. Give your child the freedom to have their own individuality. Let them wear boots under dresses and umbrella hats to school. I can tell you that both of my children KNOW who they are, and if YOU don't like it. It matters not one bit to them.
8. Raise strong humans, by being one yourself. If you can't handle life, how will you teach them to handle theirs.
If you aren't strong fake it.
If you cant smile, fake it.
If you still can't smile spend more time with your children. They will make you giggle.
9. Give the gift of humor. Sing silly songs. Understand that children forgive, so forgive them.
10. Cherish this. Cherish everything. The laughter, the potty training and the fuck-ups. Every moment is a memory. Take the time to cherish it.
I wish I could go back in time and do it all over again.
I wish I could watch Shane Power Ranger over my couch and teach him to swim. I have enjoyed every moment of the last 18 years together. It flew by in the blink of an eye.
In the whisper of a breath.
I can't believe it.
And I cannot help but believe in that little girl who wrote her son a letter. To know that Shane being my son was and is ....Fate.
Sunday, May 12, 2013
Being a mom.
The first "Mom" lesson that I had ever learned was on the day of Shane's Birth.
My stomach was randomly tightening and I was standing in the emergency room with my Aunt and cousin Stephanie.
"Just get undressed and hop onto the table" The male nurse ordered me.
I stood there, one hand on my tightening abdomen and the other clutched into my shirt. I shook my head at him. In denial.
My aunt smiled. "I think she would like for you to leave the room" she informed the nurse.
He turned and murmured "How cute. She still has her modesty."
My cousin Stephanie laughed and hopped about excitedly. She was just happy that I was down visiting her in Newark when my son decided to show his huge headed face.
I shook my head and turned to my Aunt. "I uh...I changed my mind aunty. I don't think I am ready to have a baby. Kay? I'm not ready. Lets go now."
The nurse laughed, threw a hospital gown onto the table, and retreated from my unwinnable fight.
By the time my son made his appearance and after an un-medicated birth, I was quite sure that everyone AND their mother had looked at, put their hands up into and snapped multiple photographs of my crotch. And I didn't give a fuck.
IN FACT I was BEGGING people to shove fingers into my throat via my vagina. "AM I at 10 yet? Please check. I can't handle this anymore!"
Loss of Modesty. Mommy lesson number one.
After he was born I learned all of the best spots to breastfeed. I didn't hide my breasts for myself, but for the simple fact that other people seemed offended by my decision to feed both of my children in the way God intended.
But I no longer cared. As far as I was concerned 70 % of the population had already felt up my cervix. What was a little nipple?
I could often be heard asking people "Have you never seen a breast before?!!" I was 17 years old, and even I knew that these people were ridiculous.
Mommy lesson number two.
You will never poop alone again. EVER.
And I mean ever.
I used to breast feed Shane WHILE I was pooping.
Nevermind the fact that children MUST have internal sensors declaring the fact that Mommy is going to spend time on herself...(By pooping)
You can announce it to your husband. But even then the children will become wall climbing ninjas and hardcore parcore over his head while he leans forward to scratch his balls.
When the children have disappeared he will consider himself lucky that they have gone out to play and move forward with whatever television show, household project or vehicle that he is fixing.
All the while the door that you are pooping behind will be opened, banged upon or fingers will slide underneath of it.
A good day, is a day when I can poop alone and completely. Then I feel successful. Please keep in mind my children are 17 and 11. It still happens.
Mommy lesson number three.
You must become the greatest reaction actor this side of the Mississippi.
When your child says "Look what I can do!" And they spend 5 minutes preparing for their trick. They clear their throat for this trick and all of the while you are thinking of the minutes ticking by, of all of the things that you simply MUST do.
THEN your child will become still and perform the AMAZING trick of jumping off of the ground 2 inches and gaze at you with amazement. (You have to watch closely because IF you miss it. The time starts over.)
In your mind you say "That was it? That is what I am waiting for? Are you serious? Have I raised a moron. 5 minutes really?" But in life your body jumps and your face moves as if you have just seen the most amazing feat of exceptional body magic.
You have to gasp in shock and MOAN in awe and why?
why?
So they can repeat it again in 5 minutes that's why.
and again and again for the rest of your life.
It will at first be two inch jumps and you will perfect it with drawings of yellow lines that are the next Mona lisas.
Get used to it. It never ends.
Deprevation.
Parents are almost always deprived. Of sleep, or food or of each other.
Once when Shane was 2 months old, I found myself holding him inside of our laundry room. Rocking back and forth and declaring that I would never let the Indians get my baby.
Yeaaah. That happened.
Unfortunately for me, that did not make me sleep any more, and no matter how many times that I tried to reason with my 2 month old....he never EVER listened. So I was deprived of sleep for quite awhile.
Being a mommy is hard.
Being a single mommy is FUCKING rough.
I never asked for help, I just occasionally woke up while rocking my "indian" baby.
It turned out aight.
I want to know why moms have to feed their own children a plate and then offer them their food as well. I never did that.
That is also probably why I am so fat.
Dammit. Why didn't anyone tell me.
With money with space and with clothing.
My daughter is like a tiny Borg, assimilating all of my shiny objects into her own room. I say she is a thief, but she argues that.
I am deprived of patience.
I am deprived of shoes. Shiny ones.
I am NOT deprived of messiness though, I have that in abundance.
Kisses fix (almost) EVERYTHING.
You learn early that a mommies kiss will fix practically everything. Kids automatically think that their moms are magic. It is embedded inside of them.
I just went with it.
Boo Boos and hurt hearts are the most commonly cured, and try as they might, daddy kisses just don't work.
The only things other then kisses that work are Songs and magic gloves. Both work wonders in my house. Neither child can stay mad if you sing to them. The music should rhyme and should be sung poorly. (You should try it on your boss. it works for mine as well.)
And Magic gloves. Once Shane had a headache SO bad that he could not move. He had to JUST HAD TO pee in a cup. It was THAT BAD!
Now I know that he just liked peeing in a cup, but at that time I took the cup pissing in exchange for him staying still for 3 days on my couch.
But I digress...
Once I was tired (and sorta bored) I ran to my nearest Walmart and purchased the latest, GREATEST pair of mittens. They were 76 cents and as far as Shane knew, they were magic.
I sat infront of him on the floor, crisscross and explained to him the importance of those gloves. That they had magic knit deeply inside of them.
Hie eyes were huge and filled with "HOLY SHIT" wonder.
He slipped them on and jumped off of the couch.
He immediately did the POWER RANGER stance and I declared him magically cured.
Magic Gloves. Who knew?
Laughter cures most moments. Just Give in.
When your chips are down and you are feeling fucking low.
Laugh.
Make your children laugh with you, that is even better.
Mommy-hood requires a great sense of humor.
It has gotten me through Emmas mystery grape poop (who knew raisens plumped back up?) and Shane digging in my fishtank, killing 5 fish because he wanted to make me "Fish sticks" for dinner.
A kitchen completely powdered with flour and a small blonde boy sitting in the middle of it all, stacking cans. What do you do?
Sit right next to him and find out why he thinks that is so amazing. Build powdery volcanoes and share a bubble bath afterwards.
When Shane was 7 he wanted to stay in bed ALL DAY.
"NO! We have things to do." I declared. Standing next to the bed he was tucked into.
"We can do them later."
"No. Get up, we really have to clean and get the yard ready for the party tomorrow."
He looked all comfy and cozy and snuggly.
He smiled.
"Fine. But you have to protect me."
"Okay from what?" He giggled as I climbed under the covers.
"The shark that is swimming around our bed!" I screamed
We stayed in bed ALL DAY and told stories. We snuggled and shared remember whens. We tickled and napped and watched movies. And later, that night we both got up and cleaned.
I can tell you that I do not remember that party. I do not even know why we had it and I do not know who had come. But I do remember that day. That precious moment that became a memory.
Motherhood is all about trial and error.
Finding the laughter in the hard things, but mostly for me...it has been just giving it all up. The perfectly clean house, the organized life.
Sometimes I look around and think that I should give my children perfection. Because they deserve it. But as Emma says "Perfection is Boring."
And I agree.
My stomach was randomly tightening and I was standing in the emergency room with my Aunt and cousin Stephanie.
"Just get undressed and hop onto the table" The male nurse ordered me.
I stood there, one hand on my tightening abdomen and the other clutched into my shirt. I shook my head at him. In denial.
My aunt smiled. "I think she would like for you to leave the room" she informed the nurse.
He turned and murmured "How cute. She still has her modesty."
My cousin Stephanie laughed and hopped about excitedly. She was just happy that I was down visiting her in Newark when my son decided to show his huge headed face.
I shook my head and turned to my Aunt. "I uh...I changed my mind aunty. I don't think I am ready to have a baby. Kay? I'm not ready. Lets go now."
The nurse laughed, threw a hospital gown onto the table, and retreated from my unwinnable fight.
By the time my son made his appearance and after an un-medicated birth, I was quite sure that everyone AND their mother had looked at, put their hands up into and snapped multiple photographs of my crotch. And I didn't give a fuck.
IN FACT I was BEGGING people to shove fingers into my throat via my vagina. "AM I at 10 yet? Please check. I can't handle this anymore!"
Loss of Modesty. Mommy lesson number one.
After he was born I learned all of the best spots to breastfeed. I didn't hide my breasts for myself, but for the simple fact that other people seemed offended by my decision to feed both of my children in the way God intended.
But I no longer cared. As far as I was concerned 70 % of the population had already felt up my cervix. What was a little nipple?
I could often be heard asking people "Have you never seen a breast before?!!" I was 17 years old, and even I knew that these people were ridiculous.
Mommy lesson number two.
You will never poop alone again. EVER.
And I mean ever.
I used to breast feed Shane WHILE I was pooping.
Nevermind the fact that children MUST have internal sensors declaring the fact that Mommy is going to spend time on herself...(By pooping)
You can announce it to your husband. But even then the children will become wall climbing ninjas and hardcore parcore over his head while he leans forward to scratch his balls.
When the children have disappeared he will consider himself lucky that they have gone out to play and move forward with whatever television show, household project or vehicle that he is fixing.
All the while the door that you are pooping behind will be opened, banged upon or fingers will slide underneath of it.
A good day, is a day when I can poop alone and completely. Then I feel successful. Please keep in mind my children are 17 and 11. It still happens.
Mommy lesson number three.
You must become the greatest reaction actor this side of the Mississippi.
When your child says "Look what I can do!" And they spend 5 minutes preparing for their trick. They clear their throat for this trick and all of the while you are thinking of the minutes ticking by, of all of the things that you simply MUST do.
THEN your child will become still and perform the AMAZING trick of jumping off of the ground 2 inches and gaze at you with amazement. (You have to watch closely because IF you miss it. The time starts over.)
In your mind you say "That was it? That is what I am waiting for? Are you serious? Have I raised a moron. 5 minutes really?" But in life your body jumps and your face moves as if you have just seen the most amazing feat of exceptional body magic.
You have to gasp in shock and MOAN in awe and why?
why?
So they can repeat it again in 5 minutes that's why.
and again and again for the rest of your life.
It will at first be two inch jumps and you will perfect it with drawings of yellow lines that are the next Mona lisas.
Get used to it. It never ends.
Deprevation.
Parents are almost always deprived. Of sleep, or food or of each other.
Once when Shane was 2 months old, I found myself holding him inside of our laundry room. Rocking back and forth and declaring that I would never let the Indians get my baby.
Yeaaah. That happened.
Unfortunately for me, that did not make me sleep any more, and no matter how many times that I tried to reason with my 2 month old....he never EVER listened. So I was deprived of sleep for quite awhile.
Being a mommy is hard.
Being a single mommy is FUCKING rough.
I never asked for help, I just occasionally woke up while rocking my "indian" baby.
It turned out aight.
I want to know why moms have to feed their own children a plate and then offer them their food as well. I never did that.
That is also probably why I am so fat.
Dammit. Why didn't anyone tell me.
With money with space and with clothing.
My daughter is like a tiny Borg, assimilating all of my shiny objects into her own room. I say she is a thief, but she argues that.
I am deprived of patience.
I am deprived of shoes. Shiny ones.
I am NOT deprived of messiness though, I have that in abundance.
Kisses fix (almost) EVERYTHING.
You learn early that a mommies kiss will fix practically everything. Kids automatically think that their moms are magic. It is embedded inside of them.
I just went with it.
Boo Boos and hurt hearts are the most commonly cured, and try as they might, daddy kisses just don't work.
The only things other then kisses that work are Songs and magic gloves. Both work wonders in my house. Neither child can stay mad if you sing to them. The music should rhyme and should be sung poorly. (You should try it on your boss. it works for mine as well.)
And Magic gloves. Once Shane had a headache SO bad that he could not move. He had to JUST HAD TO pee in a cup. It was THAT BAD!
Now I know that he just liked peeing in a cup, but at that time I took the cup pissing in exchange for him staying still for 3 days on my couch.
But I digress...
Once I was tired (and sorta bored) I ran to my nearest Walmart and purchased the latest, GREATEST pair of mittens. They were 76 cents and as far as Shane knew, they were magic.
I sat infront of him on the floor, crisscross and explained to him the importance of those gloves. That they had magic knit deeply inside of them.
Hie eyes were huge and filled with "HOLY SHIT" wonder.
He slipped them on and jumped off of the couch.
He immediately did the POWER RANGER stance and I declared him magically cured.
Magic Gloves. Who knew?
Laughter cures most moments. Just Give in.
When your chips are down and you are feeling fucking low.
Laugh.
Make your children laugh with you, that is even better.
Mommy-hood requires a great sense of humor.
It has gotten me through Emmas mystery grape poop (who knew raisens plumped back up?) and Shane digging in my fishtank, killing 5 fish because he wanted to make me "Fish sticks" for dinner.
A kitchen completely powdered with flour and a small blonde boy sitting in the middle of it all, stacking cans. What do you do?
Sit right next to him and find out why he thinks that is so amazing. Build powdery volcanoes and share a bubble bath afterwards.
When Shane was 7 he wanted to stay in bed ALL DAY.
"NO! We have things to do." I declared. Standing next to the bed he was tucked into.
"We can do them later."
"No. Get up, we really have to clean and get the yard ready for the party tomorrow."
He looked all comfy and cozy and snuggly.
He smiled.
"Fine. But you have to protect me."
"Okay from what?" He giggled as I climbed under the covers.
"The shark that is swimming around our bed!" I screamed
We stayed in bed ALL DAY and told stories. We snuggled and shared remember whens. We tickled and napped and watched movies. And later, that night we both got up and cleaned.
I can tell you that I do not remember that party. I do not even know why we had it and I do not know who had come. But I do remember that day. That precious moment that became a memory.
Motherhood is all about trial and error.
Finding the laughter in the hard things, but mostly for me...it has been just giving it all up. The perfectly clean house, the organized life.
Sometimes I look around and think that I should give my children perfection. Because they deserve it. But as Emma says "Perfection is Boring."
And I agree.
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