Eradication.

I miss Jorden.

I can watch his videos now without crying. Yesterday Emma and I lay in bed watching him tell me "NO!" when I asked him to wake up 'Ga'. We hugged each other and whispered how much we missed him.

We laughed at his faces and snuggled closer together.

I am afraid to think of him, afraid of what he is doing and how he is.

There is no signs that he was here. He has been eradicated from our home.

In desperation.

Out of fear that feelings will bleed out of my heart and I will fall.

An empty bottle of his rolled out from beneath my bed when I was looking for my shoe the other day. When I saw it I froze....

I think I figured it would disappear.

I clenched my eyes shut against the sting of tears that bit at my eyes. I willed my heart to slow.

I picked it up, and without looking threw it in the trash.

I received a picture of him from my secret Santa, his very first school pictures.

He was perfect in it. I remember I made him where a turtleneck t shirt OVER his sweater vest that day until right before he went in.

His little hands clenched in his pockets and he smiled big at the camera. I was standing behind her and to the left. I remember saying "Cheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeese Jorden, Cheeeeeeeeeeeeeese!" While she snapped away.

I was so excited about his pictures.

I clapped my hands and kissed his fat cheeks when he was done.


Even as I right this, my throat tightens and my eyes blur. I gulp repeatedly to get through it.

When I opened my gift and I saw what was inside, tears threatened. I touched his face, my fingers cool against the glass. I put it away and went to find Brandee.

She was in the infant room.

"Help me." I said to her. A smile frozen on my face.

"Oh!"  She knows what these words mean.


"I need you to help me." I repeated.

"Oh...okay...Tonight we are making cookies with the kids, and singing Christmas carols by the fire...Tomorrow we are having pizza and painting ornaments with the kids. I am so excited to see what Emma is going to make...."

I can feel the sadness fade.

I can feel it leak back into whatever place it came from.

"Don't forget! Then we have to go Christmas shopping! We have so much to do. And wrapping. We need to make a list of things...."  she continues

My tears dry.

My throat losens.

My smile hitches.

And "I am okay."

".....You are okay?"

"Thank you." I say.....and I mean it.

Merry Memory!

When everyone started talking about a Christmas program for this year, we all decided that we needed somewhere bigger to do it. There is no way that we can house all of the parents and guests in our classrooms.

So we put our feelers out there, and finally Juan decided that we should do it at McSwain.

We had been practicing our play and songs for weeks, I myself have read 'Chicken Soup with Rice' to my class every day since the first day of school. I KNEW that if we had a program, that I would want to perform it.

Why???

....I dunno. It was cute.

SO Mrs.O started making costumes and Brandee and I started practicing. Right away I knew Mason would be perfect for the boy. Cuz....well he is wicked cute. And that is reason enough. Plus I knew he wouldn't be shy.

I had try-outs for the Narrator part, but I knew I wanted Ava to do it. She reads the story EXACTLY as do.

After three weeks of practice every single day with 34 children,  Brandee and I were exhausted, the kids (I am quite sure) wanted to kick us, and I had my daughter and Mandy frantically making confetti sticks for the whale part.

The night of the show, it was a blur.

A Crazy hazy blur. But I do know that when the curtain closed and Brandee, Juan and I were frantically trying to remember which child goes where, I noticed movement to the left.

And there on the floor Mason lay on his knees. He spun and he spun in a circle.
Around and around and around.

It made me laugh and I stopped Juan to proclaim what a memory this was.

He looked at mason, laughed and gave me the "You are crazy look" before rushing off to help Brandee.

It WAS crazy. And lovely...and Lenas snowman nose came off, brandee practically frisbee'd the mason pot on stage, and we totally LOST all of the confetti sticks that Emma and Mandy had made.

But it was perfect, and funny, and a memory that will always stay with me.

My weekend with Chewy.

I have learned that between work life and home life there is not much time for any other kind of life.... Which, is fine by me.

However I tend to try and eke out every drop of happiness in the world.

Leech every smile from passerby's and drum out a laugh from between a perfect strangers lips.

While shopping this last Saturday, I brought along my Chewbacca. He was gifted to me by a parent at work, and I have quite fallen in love with him.

So Saturday found me in the backseat of Mandy's Chevy, Chewbacca clutched in my arms.
We were shopping. For Christmas. Nice right?

Brandee and I were shopping warriors....At least, this is what I told myself. (It sounds much better then shopping procrastinators.)

The rain sprayed the windows and sloshed against the tires, but Chewy and I were safe and dry.
We battled the crowds at the mall, and stood in line at aeropostle...A store, my daughter loves. The crows were ridiculous, but we could only laugh and breathe and hum Christmas music beneath our breath.

We left the mall pretty happy with ourselves, only to find a 30 minute wait to leave it. I was hungry, and when I whined that I was hungry, Mandy offered me sunflower seeds.

"It's all I got."

I accepted. Popped a cheek-full of saltiness in my mouth and contemplated my fellow shoppers out of the dark tinted window.

They were grumpy.

THEY were really really grumpy.

So, I did the only thing that made sense to me. I popped Chewbacca out of the back window and using my fingers, I made his little furry arm wave to them.

He "turned" his GIANT head and watched people drive up next to us. He growled and waved and hopped about.
And soon enough the grumpy shoppers began to smile.

They began to laugh and point and wave.

In fact, you would be surprised to know how great the numbers are of grown ups, who will wave at a stuffed animal.

(it's alot)

A car pulled up along side of us, and the back window slid down. A man popped half of his body out of the window and screamed to Chewbacca "Jump little Chewy JUMP!!!! I will catch you!!! Come on buddy....JUMP!"

But Chewy shook his head and shyly waved instead.

He waved back and slid his thin body back inside. Everyone laughed, and I did too in the backseat.

All along McHenry and Tully and um....another street..Chewy waved and people laughed...But always waved back.

In front of Target, Best Buy and TJMAX people laughed, and waved and in one case, pulled their child closer, because they probably thought I was a child molester luring children with my fuzzy big headed beast.

INSIDE Best Buy  a man who worked there wore a jacket that said "Zombies WERE people too" He stared at my Chewy.

"You wanna hold him?"

"I really really do." he said

So I handed him over.

"Squeeze him...he's squeezy."

And he did. He helped us with everything we needed.

On Sunday evening, after an entire weekend of shopping we were all BEAT. I left my house, once again with brandee and Mandy. The plan at the end of the day was to pick up dinner, a movie and wrap presents.

My soul was tired. I had slept on and off in the backseat between stores, while the rain poured on the car. It sounded so lovely to me.

The splatter of the rain, and the swoosh of the wipers washing it away. Splat swoosh splat swoosh....
I lay in the backseat, lightly sleeping. My hoodie pulled tight against my head.

The door opened and Mandy stood there. She held an umbrella for Brandee and I, and quite honestly I felt like a celebrity. I felt like I should be wearing an incredibly short skirt with nothing underneath, and when I exited the car the paparzzi would burst bulbs at me and my vagina would be on US WEEKLY the very next day.

But alas, there was only wind and two smiling faces when I excited, who probably did not understand why I yelled "VAG SHOT!" when I exited the vehicle.

Regardless, mandy cradled us in umbella while we battled the raging rain.

Inside Target Mandy DEMANDED that Brandee and I try on footie pajammas. "Okay" Brandee said.

"I DONTWANNAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" I whined

"Yes. You will. SO there." Mandy exclaimed. And picked out blue footies with sharks for feet.

Brandee giggled and I said "FINE! But you are the meanest person ever." Then I Harrumphed. (Which was quite impressive.)

Brandee and I took numbers at the changing room and went next door to each other.
 As soon as I slid my foot into the shark I started to laugh.
                                ...and laugh....
                                                    And laugh!

Until my body shook and my legs crossed so that I wouldnt pee all over my blue shark footies. I opened the door and leaned against the wall. Mandy started to laugh and Brandee came out looking all cute in her pink owl footies. I  looked like a blue burrito.

The blue fleece clung to every nook, and indeed...every cranny too.

I laughed and laughed and started to dance. I did the running man and the Gundum style.

(A picture DOES exsist)

The lady in the front laughed and told us we were selling the footies for her.

I loved Mandy a lil bit more for making me do it, and hung the shark P.J's back up.

 AT the end of the evening, as promised we stopped by blockbuster. I held chewbacca in my arms as we perused the movies. My face was stuffed against his fur and I  inhlaed his happy smell. I missed my babies, and couldnt wait to them to come home.

We finally decided on two movies and checked out.

As we were leaving a man, who looked like a boy and a woman who looked like a stuck up snatch were having a conversation about footie pajammas.

"No...I swear they do exsist. And they're are nice ones too!" he insisted.

The girl shook her head in disgust.

Brandee informed the boy and the snatch that we had indeed, just tried on footie pajammas.
She shook her head once again and proclaimed. "I just think that there is a time that you just have to GROW UP."

"Really?" I asked her and held up my Chewy. I squooshed his tummy and he growled at her. She didn't even crack a smile.

We left, and I looked back. She frowned and continued talking to the man/boy.

I felt sorry for her. How sad.

It was raining again, so I stuffed Chew into my jacket. I pulled my hood up and dashed next door to TOGO's. YUUUUUUUUM.

As we entered, a girl rushed forward and held up her hand "Im sorry. BUT NO DOGS ARE ALLOWED IN HERE...okay?"

I was confused.

I pulled out Chewbacca and held him up. "Butitsjustchewbacca." I exclaimed

"oh....OOOOH!" and she laughed.

The whole time she made my sandwhich I stared at the pimple on her face. The.WHOLE.Time.

Until Mandy saved me and sent us back in the car to keep warm.

We went back to Brandees and watched pitch perfect while we wrapped. We laughed and butt danced. (That's the kind of dancing you do while you are wrapping a million gifts)

At 10:00 we bucked back up and headed out to pick up Emma in Oakdale.

That night I crashed into bed, with both Chewy and Emma beside me.

I cannot sleep.

\\
I cannot sleep.

I watch the Christmas lights flicker on the face of my child. She sleeps so sweet, so soft... so genuinely.

I hold my breath and switch positions. I do not want to wake her. My fingers slide through a strand of her hair, and even this is infused with life...with the electricity of youth.

My mind races through pictures and stories and news flashes.

The christmas lights become the flash of a siren and I am transported.

 "Six-year-old Jesse Lewis had hot chocolate with his favorite breakfast sandwich — sausage, egg and cheese — at the neighborhood deli before going to school Friday morning."

"They were supposed to be for the holidays, but finally on Friday, after hearing much begging, Charlotte Bacon's mother relented and let her wear the new pink dress and boots to school."

"The images of Olivia Engel will live far beyond her short lifetime. There she is, visiting with Santa Claus, or feasting on a slice of birthday cake. There's the one of her swinging a pink baseball bat, and another posing on a boat. In some, she models a pretty white dress; in others, she makes a silly face."

Every Christmastime, we move a bed our to the living room. We do this because it has been tradition since 2008 AD (After Divorce) ...we cuddle beneath the tree and fall asleep dreaming of the Grinch, Elf or Olive.....The OTHER reindeer.

This morning I watch my daughter sleep, and my lips move in a prayer.

I know we all hold our children closer. I am not the only parent watching their child breathe easy beside them.

My mind cannot stop going to the place where 20 mommies lost their babies. Where 20 fathers grieve their child.

It is unnatural to lose a child. In any matter, and in any event.

I know those mommies and daddies hurt. The very breath in their lungs burn. They wake from dreams and walk a nightmare. I know they cannot swallow past the tears that clog their throats.

I want to DO something. I want to rub a back or hug a neck. I want to make sense of it all. I want to erase the fear from the faces of the children that I see, in the paper, walking hand on shoulder.

Frightened, scared. Confused.

Children live in a bubble. It is one built of love and constructed of trust. It is thick and it is strong and it was placed there by parents who love them MORE then they love themselves.

Parents who would give their own breath to fuel the body of their child.

Children love everyone. They trust everything, and believe in the magic that we place before them. Just as they should.

But now...these children who have cowered and been covered by the shaking bodies of their teachers, Who have been clutched to relieved parents chests, thier hair cried upon....will they still believe?

In the power of magic. In the word of adults. Will they still give trust where it is undeserved?

Will they wake in their sleep and cry out for their friends lost forever...

I can almost hear the hit of knees. Thousands upon millions as they fall upon them to pray.

The slap of trembling hands and the utterance of words.

Prayers.

Millions of them. Said in whispers and whimpers. Given in strong voices and weak alike.

I know we pray, and we ask why. And this question will never be answered. How can it?

Why the fuck did this happen? To the most perfect. The innocent. The silly.

How do I explain this to my children...My mind races and naturally calms. It calms and tries to make sense of it all....But It cannot.

It cannot fathom the reasoning behind this. Because there is none.

Addiction.

I stumbled out of bed this morning and reached for my can.

Shit.

It was empty...... EMPTY!

(In my mind I sounded EXACTLY like chewbacca right then.)

I looked at Karma who was at my feet. My eyes were bleary..I would rub and rub but alas, this blearyness is a side effect (I am SURE) to the empty can, now clutched to my chest.

"Karma. WHY is the rum always gone?" I asked in a bad.... BAAAAAAD Jack sparrow accent.

Karma did not know, hence she flopped onto her back and proceeded to try and itch it on my kitchen floor.

I stared at her, I swear for 3 minutes straight....or...maybe I fell back asleep...I dunno.

"Oh no." I whispered to the quiet house with two sleeping children inside. "I'm ganna have to go out and get more."

I threw on clothes that I found in random places, covered my top side with a jacket of some sort and left the house.

It was foggy. I kept blinking my eyes, because I figured something was wrong with them. But no....Fog.

I started the car and squinched down in the seat, Regina Spektor sang on the radio about ball eyes and lip mouths and I sang with her. Waiting impatiently for my windows to defrost enough to drive. I contemplated walking, but...fuck that.

Finally!!! I had exactly 3 inches of window that I could see out of, and I put it in reverse. Muttering to myself that I almost had it...be patient.

 It was only a block away. As I parked I noticed a man standing outside the building, three feet away. I did not care.

He approached me and I growled at him.

"Hey!" He said. Oh my god he was SO offended, and I paused...."Did that growl sound like chewbacca to you?" I asked. My throat harsh with just woken upiness.

"No." He scowled.

I growled again and pushed past him to go inside. It was warmer there, so I didn't have to clutch my jacket around my body.

I stood on the welcome mat and blinked my eyes.

I rubbed my eyes.

I looked around.

I threw my head back and moaned...

"I Neeeeeeeeeeed coffeeeeeeeee!"

I whined to anybody who would listen.

"Oh my god!" The lady behind the counter said. She came around and walked me over to the coffee place. "Here!"

"But...but...I don't want that one. That one is stupid I dont like it."

She laughed.

I pointed to the coffee that had a sign on it OUT OF ORDER!!!! It proclaimed.
That out of order sign practically bitch slapped me. Im just sayin.

"I want that one, but that one is gone. It is all gone and that one is all i waaaaaaaaaant."

She laughed again and shook her head "That one is fine."

"But...there is a sign."

"Ignore the sign. I make it. It is good."

I pushed back my hood, and grabbed a big honken cup. I started filling it. The lady stood there next to me....I dunno why. "Do I look pretty?" I asked.

Her eyes slid over my fucked up hair, with three bobby pins shooting up from my scalp, my running eyemakeup, and my clothing.

I looked down.

I wore Shanes fleece superman pajammas. The legs were two feet two long, so I was walking on them. I wore a bright green polkadot shirt, and an old Bobby Jack hoodie. I dont even know where it came from.

"Yes...you do." and she walked off.

I don't know WHY I ask people that all of the time, when I KNOW I look like hell on two fleeced legs, but I always do.

I guess I am waiting for someone to tell me the truth.

No one ever does, except Brandee.
But she is mean and plus a bully.

My cup was full and I sugared it and creamed it. I stuck a straw in the top and sucked back an inch of it.

I sighed.

I am addicted.

At the register the lady was laughing at me.

"Did Shane get a part in the play?" She asked while she rung me up

"Yes...your son?" I said around the straw in my mouth.

She nodded.

I have been coming to this store since Shanes first day of Kindergarten. We use to get a slurpee every day. Now he is a senior in highschool. Im old and I know, NOT CUTE when I first get up.

I leave the store and the man is still standing by my car.

I open the door with my hand, but push it open with my body, whining the whole time. "ooooooopen!" I say to the hunk of metal.

It does.

I drive home, and Karma greets me at the door. I think she has figured out why the run is always gone.