Broke and Burnt.

3 weeks ago:


"I am going to work next week." I announced at dinnertime. Everyone just stared at me.
Emma took a bite of her food, Mandy lifted her eyebrow and Brandee tilted her head.

Shane on the other hand shook his head "No you're not."

"Yes I am!" I argued

"No you are not. You are not healed. You're staying home."

"I can't son." I shook my head and took a bite of dinner. I felt tears prickle at my eyes like little stinging bitches.

"Yes you can, and in fact you will."

My mouth hung open and I stared at him. And in all honesty I did not have the energy or strength to argue with him.... Or smack him.

"I HAVE to go back to work son, I cannot afford to stay home. We need money. I have bills, I will just sit theeeeeeeere!"

My insistence was turning into whining. Mostly because I could see that my general fatigue and weenie-ness was losing to Shane's manly steel decision.

I hate discussing money with my children, but the fact was. I needed it and it was the one more argument to win me my vote.

"I have mortgage to pay for, food, groceries and gas. There is nobody else that is around to pay for this stuff Shane. Only me. Just like normal. Are YOU going to pay for it? No."

"YES. Yes I will. and you will stay home."

"YOU are the child and I am the adult." I said to him.

"Then maybe YOU should act like it then. You can be mad at me if you want. That's okay, I understand. Go ahead. But you ARE staying home until you are healed. That's it."

And he picked up his fork and continued to eat his dinner.

I looked at Brandee and she shrugged, Mandy patted Shane on the shoulder and whispered "Good boy" and Emma said "I agree with Shane mom."

"FINE!" I huffed. Completely defeated. (and exhausted)

I knew that my body wasn't ready to go back to work. But I also KNEW I couldn't take two more weeks off of ONE of my jobs, let alone BOTH.

"We will figure everything out Beanie. Don't worry." Brandee said as I lay down on the couch.




Flash forward to a week ago....

I was standing at my countertop oven and wondering in confusion why my sons birthday cake was burning.

I sniffed the air again....and peeked inside.

It has been awhile since I have baked.
A long while, and apparently I forgot that when you bake things...they expand.

"OH NO!" I screeched to Karma. (She sat on my feet)

 Shane's birthday cake was burning and I almost started to cry. (I say almost because I still thought I could fix it.)

I was broke and in fact has used 7 of the 10 bucks that I had left to my name to but the carrot cake ingredients.

I pulled out the pan and stared at it. I decided that I could scrape off half of it and finnish baking the rest.

I tried it.

It was ugly.

How sad.

I text Brandee : "I am the worst mom ever. I burned Shane's cake! There is only one box left!'

I then contemplated my chances of executing a pretty carrot cake with only one box of carrot cake mix while I dipped the remains of the ugly cake in frosting and munched on it.

During the month that I had been home, I had taken to talking to Karma ...A LOT.

"Know what Karma?"

She twitched and wagged her ass back and forth simply because I said her name. THAT to me means that she said "What mama."

"I am eating my sons birthday cake while contemplating how to fix it." I said matter of factly while staring at her.

Now Karma thought it was a GREAT idea, but I thought it was morally wrong, so I dunked another piece in frosting, stuffed it in my mouth and dumped the rest in her bowl.

"I hope you understand that I will blame you if anyone ever asks."

She wagged her tail and then flopped on the ground. Obviously saying to me that she agreed whole heartedly.

"Good. I am glad you realize this." I leaned down and petted her belly then went to figure out how to execute a birthday cake, with Brandee.....of course.

In the end. It worked. I baked them at brandees house and frosted them the next day. I was redeemed and no one EVER asked Karma about the OTHER birthday cake.

Unfollow.

It is disheartening to see all of the hate and negativity in the world, double because it is on Facebook. Every ding of my phone can lend a smile, or cause a cringe.

I am, what many people refer to it as....a liberal thinker. Some spit that word at me, like it is a bad thing. How sad. How sad to them.
MY mind, is not an ugly one. It is not a negative one by any means. I feel the need to let another human being live by their own happiness and integrity.

I "judge" each individual on their own individual actions.

I do not group together or slander one race, religion or occupational practice. Besides drug dealing, that's pretty crappy.

I have lived on each side of the line. Growing up I was raised quite blindly, thinking that Gay people were going to hell, The Bible covered everything and if you were a democrat, well don't even think about coming into my home. You will be threatened.

But, you see..that was before I had really lived.

Before my own life experiences could show me what love is, what slander does and what hate leads to.

The world is ugly.

Mostly because of hate. But also Because of ignorance and pinched life lessons.

The world is also beautiful. It takes a stunted mind not to be able to see that.

Ever since my children were made, and I realized that I was in charge of two human beings who could change the world...I have hoped to expand their knowledge of life, kindness and of their own life lessons.

The other day, I was so irritated by some writing that I had read online.

"Why do you read that then?" Emma questioned

"I cannot help it. I cant believe that people actually THINK that way!"

"Hey. I am 12, and even I know that what you are reading is ridiculous." Emma just shook her head and stuck her nose back in her virtual book.

She is 12..... But she is right.

I can choose to un-follow the train wrecks of unhappiness. Unfriend the people who have a uniquely stunted view of life and I certainly don't have to answer phone calls from people who are hateful and uniquely unqualified to judge people who have lived life successfully when they themselves have yet to.

My daughter is intelligent. She is kind, loyal and at 12 years old,  she understands that certain things don't need to be read, certain people cannot be saved, and when time gets tough a brain that can evolve, change, expand and love will win out after all.....at least around here.

Mommas Day.

This morning I made myself coffee and as I waited for it to drip I snacked on a piece of cold pizza.
Karma lounged at my feet blinking up at me slowly.

I just stared at her smiling, she wasn't happy that I left the warm bed.

My phone was making bubble sounds and dings.

I blinked down at it, but I am a self proclaimed BBC. (Bitch Before Coffee) So I figured I would wait to answer the Mothers day Messages.

The Best thing that has ever happened to me, have been my children.
When they were small, it was the goopy kisses and dirty faces and birthday parties.
But that all changes when your children get older.

When your children get older, you get to watch them make decisions, form conclusions and build thought processes.

You get to watch all of YOUR decisions as a parent come to fruition. And you hope, sometimes with stilted breath, that they are good ones.

I've been a mother for almost 19 years.
I wouldn't trade the mud puddles and glittery tooth fairy dollars for anything.
The late nights and early mornings, the gooey kisses and growth spurts. The attitude, the crazy talk and the laughter that only my offspring can give me.

When your children are very young, you love every homemade card and coupon book that they make.

TIP: Save those coupon books for when they are teenagers. (Those things never have expiration dates.)

When they are old enough to make you breakfast in bed, You bite around the burned parts and quietly spit out the grounds in your coffee.

Before you know it, they are old enough to take you out to dinner and she can recite poetry to you.

My gifts are abundant.
They are treasured and loved beyond measure or words.
Motherhood does all of that for me.