We're fucked.

"AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
I omit a scream that I kid you not, incited my pitbull to scratch at her ears, my daughter to gasp and the world to FREEZE.

FREEZE in terror, and I shall tell you why.

Let's set the mood shall we?

I had a lovely day with my main midget and her Bestie.

Besides trying to locate a Walmart that has the ability to expel money into my hands (another story) We had spent the day perusing scary stores and laughing over Emma's small quips and funny antics.

My kid is funny, what can I say.

We went to 3 different Halloween stores and only left the last one when I heard a frantic grunting behind me. Frightened, I looked over my shoulder only to find a hefty lady leaning on her cart and making noises that could incite the dead.

I hate making fun of fatties, and I shant. Suffice it to say I grabbed my kids and sighed while looking up to heaven at Jesus. "Why did that just happen." I stated.

Rick swears Fat people grunt when they walk, and I hate anything that leans in his favor. This was Jesus telling me to leave the store. So I did. (without grunting)

Once we dropped off Emma's friend we went home.

Do you know that feeling that you get when you enter your most favoritest place in the world? That happy bubbly feeling of love and perfect-ness? That is how I feel every time I walk through my doors.

"Hello home!" I always say and place my purse on the proper hanger of my coat tree.

I turned the coffee pot on and picked up my book. The house was silent, save for the turtle tank bubbling so nicely, quite like a water fall. And the almost silent thrumming of the fan, sending the perfect amount of air whispering over me.

Eventually I fell asleep, curled on my favorite cream couch that is absolute heaven. It is thick and fluffy and it folds you into its cushions.

While I slept, Emma read.

When I awoke from my nap I refilled my ice tea, grabbed my book and my e-cig and settled back for some more lovely evening.

And that is when it happened.....Horror!

I had just turned the electronic page of my book when I saw it. Movement on the couch....Movement right NEXT to me......

It....

was.....

a.......

MOUSE!!!!!



"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRHHHHHHHHHHHH!" I screamed.

I don't know how I got across the room and up onto the sectional but I did. THIS Fat bitch flew.

I screamed and screamed and screamed some more.

I screamed while pointing to the couch.

I screamed while jumping.

I screamed while looking down at my daughter next to me, looking up at me in horror and confusion.

I screamed while shaking out my dress and holding a pillow over my mouth because I KNEW I was being crazy...but I couldn't help it.

"WHAT IS WRONG!?" Emma asked while beginning to laugh "LOOK AT YOUUU!!!!"
she pointed and laughed out loud.

I took a breath. "A MOUSEEEEEEEEEEEEE A MOUSEEEEEEEEEEEEEE ON MY COUCHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Spittle flew across the room

Emma stood up, looked at the couch... looked at me and started laughing so hard she bent in half.

"A MOUSE A MOUSEEEEEEEEEE KARMA EAT IT EAT ITTTTTTT!"  At the mention of her name Karmas ears perked up.

"KARMA ATTACK!!!!!!!!" I screamed. She woofed and viciously attacked the couch pillow.
(And when I say vicious, I mean she gingerly nipped at it and drug it across the room.)

"NO KARMAAAAA EAT IT!!!!"
She nipped at the pillow again and then rolled onto her back, expecting a belly rub and an atta girl.

"Good girl Karma! You are so vicious! You saved our lives!" Emma gushed over her while I did the HOLY FUCK THERE IS A MOUSE dance.

"WHERE IS SHAAAAAANE!!!!!??? SHAAAAAAANEEEEEE" I cried.

Emma stood up. "CALM DOWN!" She ordered, but she couldn't stop laughing. "Oh my God! It was a little cute mouse."

"IT IS IN MY HOUSE AND ON MY FURNITUREEEEEEEEEEE!" I screamed

Emma walked tword the couch.

"Take a light saber!" I hollered. She grabbed one from the wall. (while rolling her eyes)
I then realized that I was letting my child get eaten by a mouse, and that is not really a good thing to do, so I gingerly got off of the sectional and ran to my heaven couch.

"OOooooh!" I huffed while standing in front of it. "OOooooh!" I moaned while removing a cushion.

With each removal I jerked the pillow off and screamed, holding my light saber over my head for maximum mouse bashing technique.

"Emma, if you see a mouse bop it!"

She stood next to the couch laughing and pointing at me. I don't think she understood the upheaval my stomach was facing.

"Lookatyooooou!" She laughed

"Laugh it up SHIT!" I grit through my teeth. THIS.WAS.HORRIBLE!

Every single luscious pillow cushion was removed and there was no mouse to bop.

We took turns beating the couch with our light sabers, each bap causing lights to flash and the sabers to omit sounds.

I turned the couch completely over. NOTHING.

We bopped it some more. Punctuating each hit with a shriek from me and a chortle from Emma.

Nothing happened, except Emma laughed even harder. "This is my FAVORITE part of the day."

"WHA.....WHY?!" I grumbled

"Look at us! We are beating our couch with light sabers! There is nothing there Ma."

"But there WAS! I saw it!"

"Ma. We have a huge field, it probably scampered inside and scampered outside again. Stop freaking out. Nothing is here."

I harrumphed and agreed that my couch was mouse free. Just incase I plugged any area of it that could be accessed by a mouse and refashioned my perfect heaven couch.

"MY life is RUUUUUUINED!" I moaned

"Oh my God. You are so dramatic. Your couch is fine! We took the whole thing apart."

"Okay Emma" I pouted and turned on BONES. I looked at Karma and growled. Her ears perked up and she rolled over.

"Aweeee she is so cute! She saved our lives! Didn't you BAY-BEE!"

Karma wiggled to and fro on her back, soaking in Emma's gratitude.

"NO! She did not save us! How sad Karma." She looked at me, turned her head to the side and I melted.

Rubbing her tummy I thanked her for saving our lives from the dreaded pillow monster.

She is now asleep at my feet, quite confident in abilities to nip a pillow and have us fawn over her.

When the Zombies come, we're fucked.