My son did not want to drive when he turned 16 years old. There is no way in HELL that he was ready too, and I had explained to him that until he had a job and could afford 16 year old insurance, It was a no GO.
I would like to say that I wish I was one of those parents that bought their child their first car and furnished their insurance, you know...all Betty Crocker and shit.
But alas. I live in the real world of Singlemom-dom and juggling bills like a boss. Like I said. I am a lucky mom. And I have a son who understood that.
When it came time to hand over his keys and teach him the way of the wheel I will honestly tell you that I was filled with a fear like no other.
"Shane has a job!" I exclaimed to B&B (Birdie and the Beast...respectively)
"YAY! Praise Jesus!" One of them said..or both.
"Now I have to teach him how to drive." I muttered and Immediately I had to poop.
(I have nervous poop syndrome. Its a thing.)
"You can do it!" Birdie cheered me on, while flashes of her own driving experiences with children flashed across her face. It looked like horror...and fear.
" I can't teach my kids how to drive." Juan shook his head "Nope"
"Yes you can." Birdie cheered (shes always cheery)
"I have to poop." I whined. Juan rolled his eyes and pretended he didn't just hear that and Birdie laughed.
Teaching your child to drive is the worst thing ever.
WHY hasn't anyone told me about this? WARNED ME even.
"Emma, I think it is time I go out and find you a new daddy."
"What?"
"What kind of daddy do you prefer."
"WHY?"
"Well, My master plan is to find you a new daddy and then HE can teach Shane how to drive."
"I think you're ganna have to do it mom."
"DAMMIT."
FLASH FORWARD
Shane is strapped into the drivers seat and I am calmly sitting in the passenger seat. Telling myself to portray confidence and calmness.
What I was thinking is: "THIS IS SO FUCKED UP, THIS IS SO FUCKED UP."
"Okay son. You ready?"
"No."
"You can do this. Are you ready?"
"I mean. I guess."
"YOU ARE READY! Be confident, like me! Look at me being all confident and shit!"
He turned and looked at me. His eyes were nervous and his laugh was too.
We stared at each other and laughed together for a moment. "We can do this!" I whispered
"Okay. I'm confident-ish" He turned and grabbed the wheel.
Before I continue with my story I need you to know that I am fully aware that I suck at teaching people how to drive. I AM aware of my faults you know.
"OKAY! Lesson ONE. What are you driving?"
"...um...a Ford?"
"No. YOU are driving a killing Machine."
"Uhhhh"
"This machine kills people. Be aware of that. Do YOU want to kill people?"
"No?"
"No you don't. SO you are going to drive safely and slowly."
"Okay Mama"
"Good boy"
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"LESSON FIVE! What is that?" I said, pointing to the gravel on the side of the road
"Uh...rocks?"
"NO! That is gravel. Gravel is death. Don't hit it. Its like hot lava."
"Okay?" He said while laughing nervously
"HEY! Do you want to die?"
"No?"
"Then don't hit the gravel."
**************************************
"LESSON 7 Everyone else is retarded. Remember that. You are the only smart one. Keep a look out for assholes and retards."
"Assholes and retards. Got it."
*************************************
"LESSON 8 There is absolutely no point in speeding. It is stupid. People who drive too fast are reckless and unintelligent. If you speed then you get pulled over. Your ticket will cost you hundreds of dollars and you will be late to work. Think about it, is going too fast worth it? No. No its not.
Just go the speed limit, and fuck everyone else. Just ignore them and sing a little song about how you don't care that they are honking at you. Arrive alive."
"Go the speed limit, sing a song, Arrive alive. Got it."
"You're a good boy Shane."
**************************************
I soon felt pretty comfortable with Shane driving, and I wasn't clutching the back of his headrest until my hand cramped up.
All of my directions sounded like childrens stories.
"Go over the creepy bridge, PAST the 'Where the wild things are' Trees and what do we do at the the blinky light?"
"At the blinky light, we turn right."
"Very good Shane! You are a good boy."
"You are a good mama."
Yesterday Shane drove off to work for the first time alone. I was worried. "Do you want me to drive behind you?"
"No mama."
"But do you feel confident?"
"YES mom."
"Okay son."
I'm still terrified.
