Karma. The opposite of a good dog.

When you have kids, or dogs you understand certain sounds and what exactly they mean.

And this morning, with the door open and cool morning air breezing in, I heard a cat hissing and then a thump against my garbage can.

My heart jumped, because Karma had just went outside, and everyone knows that Karma is just a baby and will get eaten by the stray cats in Westside Modesto.

"KARMA!?" I hollered, leaning forward. Worried about my baby pit-bull and the wild animals that roam the streets.

5 seconds later Karma trotted inside and headed to her room.
I watched her with suspicious eyes. "What do you have Karma?" I asked, keeping my eyes on her.

She entered her room and I could see her very gently place something on the carpet.

Maybe it's a rock. Or a golf ball. Karma is crazy about golf balls.

But no.

OH NO.

It scampered off while Karma howled happily and sat down.

It was...a mouse!

"KARMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" I screeched, pulling both of my legs up and curling them beneath me.

I cant do mice.

I CANT DO MICE!

She ran to me and flopped to her back, exposing her belly in complete trust and happiness.

"NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!" I screeched. Holding my hands over my mouth and nose.
Shaking my head and staring at her. "GO GET ITTTTTT! Get it Karma...GO get it!"

Emma ran over "What happened?" She asked, laughing.

"KARMAAAAAAA! She brought IN a mouseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" I screeched and wailed, scooching ever further back into my couch.

Karma sat up and put her head in my lap.

"NO! NO! I am SO sad at you!" I shouted.

He tongue lolled out and she howled with glee.

"YOU are the OPPOSITE of a good dog!" I screeched "Nobody is happy with you, NOBODY!        Emmaaaaa. OHHHHHHH!" And I pointed into Karmas room.

Emma went in there, laughing and stomping and dodging bones and half chewed golf balls.

Karma followed closely behind her, extra proud of her bone strewed room and new friend Nasty mouse.

"She saved a mouse from a cat. Awe." Emma smiled.

"NOT awe. NOT AWEEEE!"

Emma found nothing and Shane came stomping out "What has happened?"

I replayed the morning's horror. "SO you need me to set some traps then?" He smirked

"Well." I paused "Maybe you can shoo it out, It is Karmas new friend and all."

"Sorry Karma, your new friend is getting its neck snapped." Shane muttered while grabbing some traps to set.

Karma danced around his feet and howled a good morning at him.
"Karma. No thank you. I am sad at you, walk away from me."

Karma did.

She came and huffed next to me and slowly lay down at my feet.

"Shane, you cannot be mad at Karma, she is just a baby." I stated. Already over my horror at her, I mean really? If you had met Karma, she is perfectly adorable.

"She is NOT! She is old. Like 8."

"But she is LIKE a baby." I whispered "I think she is 'special needs.' "

Karma sighed and fell asleep at my feet, not understanding what all the fuss was about.

Karma when she was an actual puppy.

It is what it is....

"It is what it is."
Those words are usually paired with "You know?" at the end and a peaceful look on ones face.

If I am gritting my teeth when you say it to me, it is because I am trying to remember my "big girl" manners, and NOT punch you in the throat.


LIFE is not just...what it is.

LIFE is precisely what you made it or allowed it to become.

Yesterday this saying was uttered in my classroom, by a 5 year old and my nose practically steamed.
These poor children, being taught to be peaceful by their parents and blame the universe for their fuck ups.

"Uh!" The child exclaimed,pointing at her bowl of applesauce on the ground "It is what it Is Ms.Beanie!" she yelled loudly while hopping on her feet. STARING at it.

My head whipped around and I gasped at the douche-ball saying coming out of my end of the year pre-k's mouth.

Oh no.
Oh no no no NO!

You see, I work VERY hard on these children every year. I work hard to teach them to be respectful, to sit like ladies and gentlemen and to clean up their own butts and messes.

I do NOT teach them to blame their applesauce spills on the universe, life and everything other then themselves.

In Pre-K when you make a mess, you clean it up. No biggie.

We shrug and HANDLE that shit.

"Who has ruined you?" I demanded while I walked over to the tiptoeing child.

"I don't know." she responded, while pointing to the applesauce once more.

A child walked up next to her and looked at the applesauce on the ground before saying "You should handle that." and walking away.

I raised an eyebrow and looked down at the little girl, waiting for her to get it.

"It is what it is!" she happily chanted again, all sing song and happy.

"No. It is a spill and what should you do?"

"Clean it." she nodded her head, snapping back into reality and running to do so. Two other children ran up and asked if she needed help. She declined.

I am sure some parent somewhere was trying to do something lovely and peace invoking by teaching her that spills are no big deal and that " They are what they are."

But listen, I got this.



Do you know who made up that saying? Some dude that just finished blowing through a bong
full of the sticky stuff.
"It is what it is man"

Perhaps it was Cheech, back in the 70's.


You do not sound wise when you say that, You sound lazy.

"My boyfriend broke up with me. Yeah it is sad, but I try to remember...it is what it is, ya know?"

NO. I do not know. Your boyfriend broke up with you because you are a bitch who's vagina has eaten too many cocks.

You know it.

I know it.

Now he knows it and is being treated for herpes.

"I am looking for a job, But it is hard. It is what it is in the end, ya know?"

NO. I do not know.

I am going to go around saying "Yeah Red is Red, ya know?" with a wise look on my face and see if I can get hoards of people to start making memes and douchebag coffee mugs with that saying on them.

I'll shrug when I say it, like I don't give two fucks and then people will consider me wise.