"Do you think you will ever be happy again...with him?"
"No."
"What's the point of it all then?"
"I don't know."
******************************
"Do you still love her?"
"Yeah. It is different though."
"Do you like her?"
"Hell no. Can't stand her."
"So when you say you love her you mean....?"
"I have too."
"Why?"
"She's my wife"
******************************
"It's like everything starts out so wonderful. You see each other when you want and go out on dates. It is all happy and lovey and then one day you move in and they don't take out the trash. Boom. You're always pissed off.
And then he says "why are you always so grumpy?" and I say "Why cant you ever take out the fucking trash?"
"If he took out the trash, would it be better?"
"Oh hell no, we are WAY past that. It always just starts with the trash."
********************************
"At first he was so busy working. I loved how goal oriented he was. He worked and worked to start our family on the right foot. In between we had the kids. Now he has more time and all we do is fight. It is Miserable. We are trying counseling."
"Do you ever think that maybe you got along so well because you never saw each other?"
"Sometimes."
"Maybe you don't like him. Not even like, only now you have the time to see it."
"Shit."
*********************************
"I was happy. You know? Not OHMYFUCKINGGOD happy. But Meh happy. I am successful in my career. I have a beautiful daughter. Ya know? That kind of happy. Life was moving. And then I met her and she fucked my whole world up."
"How so?"
"It's like poetry. It's ridiculous. The first time I actually met her I was rocked to the core of myself. You know? It's like This is who I was made for. This is the woman that I am supposed to be with. When she laughs, It makes me smile. No matter what is happening. I can be pissed off, sad whatever. She laughs and I smile.
I can't wait to talk to her. I cant wait to see her. I hope every single text that pops up is from her."
"Sounds lovely....What's the problem?"
"I'm married."
**********************************
Emma is obsessed with Vampires and Everlasting love stories. Its a girl thing, so am I.
"Momma, do you believe in soul mates?"
"Uhhhhhhh.I don't believe that there is one person in the entire world that is for you. Only one. And if he lives in China then you're fucked.
I believe that you can meet someone with whom your mind loves, your heart loves and your body wants. Someone that speaks to every single part of you. Absolutely."
"Did you ever find yours?"
"I believe so."
"Who is it?"
"Nobody in the whole entire world, except me knows that."
At the pool yesterday, while the conversations that I typed were swirling around in my brain Emma again got on topic of relationships.
"Look I feel like that is setting you up for disappointment. Boys can be stupid lets not talk about this."
"No! Look at Brandee and Mandy! They are in love and Happy."
"That is different! They have evolved past the stupid shit. And they still love each other. Once upon a time they pissed each other off too."
"Yep. It's true Emma." Brandee said as she was perfecting the perfect dance pose in the pool. Her toes pointed out and her hands pulled back like a chipmunks. Mandy was holding her steady with a look of concentration on her face.
"I'm perfect but SHE has a lot of things to work on still" Mandy said as she propped Brandee up further.
"I think love is wonderful, okay? Im just saying. They have evolved past that. They are Love Evolved. You know? I think you have to be madly passionately in love with someone to want to make it work through the trash, the kids and the counseling."
"I don't even know what you are talking about."
"I know." I said and wanted to change the subject.
I stood up as tall as my squattyness allowed "Catch me." I announced to Emma. And proceeded to fall back into the water.
The subject was changed and I had to catch myself.
I want to mathematically figure out human emotion. I want to bottle it and shelf it. I love it. Talking about it and reveling IN it.
Emma is a little girl and I want her to form her own opinions about love and boys. It is hard for me to keep my mouth shut but I DO try.
When we watch romantic comedies together and she "aweeeeeees" when the guy buys the girl flowers and she sings "He looooooves her." I want to interrupt and tell her what Real love is.
Real love is when he pisses you off and you want to reach over and pop his head off of his body because he made you so mad. And even though you are SO FUCKING MAD at him, you are laughing because he's EVEN cuter when he pisses you off.
Real love is not having to say the words that are on your heart, because he already knows them.
Real love is when she is upset, so is he.
Real love is when no matter what, you know that she will always be there when you roll over in the morning.
Real love is hands clutched at the end of life.
Real love is evolving past flowers, taking the trash out yourself and fucking in the middle of the day.
Real love is personal and affects us all differently. I have to let Emma make up her own mind about her own Real love.
Talk is CHEAP, I am not.
Sunday, June 30, 2013
The steps of life. (Part 1 of 2)
When I was a child, my earliest memory of Marriage, was crawling beneath my writing desk and praying that my parents wouldn't get a Divorce.
I didn't even know what a Divorce was.
I only knew that my stepmother kept threatening to get one, and it seemed bad.
I promised God that I would give up my beloved Knight Rider big wheel, if he would make sure that my parents wouldn't get a Divorce....whatever that was.
Apparently the Big Wheel was not enough of a bribe, Because one Christmas morning, after unwrapping gifts and un-stuffing stockings, my father, my sister and myself left the only home that I knew and moved in with my grandparents.
We left behind my sister Michelle and my Brother Willie.
I was confused.
I remember I kept waiting for my mom to call me, but she never did.
My Father was visually upset and kept himself locked in his room. My grandmother tried to make life happy for us, My sister got angry and I was just fucking confused.
What had just happened here?
Soon enough I had a new stepmom. She tried really hard with us.
My sister was still angry and I was still confused.
Soon enough we had a baby brother and I watched the quick build-up and long break down of another Marriage.
It soon became fact that I was just wishing that my parents would just give up the ghost. My prayers went like this "Dear God....really?"
By the time I was an adult and I had my own family, I tried my best to convince my stepmom to get a Divorce.
My reasoning? Can't parents be happy separated rather then miserable together?
Why do people hold on to a relationship that has run its course? Is it the sanctity of marriage?
Is it the commitment?
The kids? (which is the worse reasoning. EVER. Kids are happy as long as mom and dad are. Together or apart.)
Maybe it is the preconceived idea that you need SOME body to live out your life with. Which, I think is beautiful and lovely. Really I do. As long as you love them, passionately and with verve.
I know that Marriage is supposed to be 'in good times and in bad' forever and ever.
In my life before this one, I was married for 13 years. And it was perfectly good marriage too. We never fought, he was my very best friend and we took family vacations to Disneyland and Monterey.
I drove a MiniVan and I was a stay at home mom who volunteered at Shane and Emma's school.
I grew up thinking that these were the steps in life:
Grow up.
Get married.
Have Kids.
Die.
The end.
Marriage was a part of adulthood. The next step.
This blog is not to convince others that Divorce is the new skinny Jean. It is to establish my own singledom.
I remember the conversation that changed my life and my mind about marriage.
I was speaking to my mom on the phone one evening.
I will tell you that as much as I absolutely adored my father, he was a bad husband. He just was.
My mom was crying on the phone and quite honestly, even though my dad was a douche a lot of the time, she was excusing his newest douchery.
And while, I appreciated her doing that for me. It was unnecessary at this point.
"Mom. Just divorce him. I love you. but...ya know?"
She refused.
I remember that I was sad for her. She was in her late 40's, a very successful business woman who was miserable. And all because of my dad.
How sad.
After we hung up I was in tears. I did NOT want to be that person. Living in misery simply because it was what was 'supposed' to happen when you grow up.
And I refused to be that person.
I did not know what I was going to do, or how I would achieve it. But in this I was certain.
******************************************
If you sit in my circle time at Buhach Preschool, and you happen to state who you will marry when you grow up, I will correct you.
Fall 2012 in My pre-k class:
"When I grow up I am going to marry a Prince!"
"When I grow up...I'm ganna marry my dad."
"When I grow up, I'm ganna marry Mason."
Summer 2013 (after a year)
"Ummm Mrs.Beanie, After I go to college and buy a house and have my own car...then can I marry a prince?...after my education?"
"Yes."
"Okay good.....when do I start college again?"
I decided to teach all little girls the new improved steps of life:
Grow up but take your time
Educate yourself
Always accessorize
Live
**After my father passed away, my mom has since met and married the love of her life. They are happily running her ranch and beautifying her home like she always dreamed.
I didn't even know what a Divorce was.
I only knew that my stepmother kept threatening to get one, and it seemed bad.
I promised God that I would give up my beloved Knight Rider big wheel, if he would make sure that my parents wouldn't get a Divorce....whatever that was.
Apparently the Big Wheel was not enough of a bribe, Because one Christmas morning, after unwrapping gifts and un-stuffing stockings, my father, my sister and myself left the only home that I knew and moved in with my grandparents.
We left behind my sister Michelle and my Brother Willie.
I was confused.
I remember I kept waiting for my mom to call me, but she never did.
My Father was visually upset and kept himself locked in his room. My grandmother tried to make life happy for us, My sister got angry and I was just fucking confused.
What had just happened here?
Soon enough I had a new stepmom. She tried really hard with us.
My sister was still angry and I was still confused.
Soon enough we had a baby brother and I watched the quick build-up and long break down of another Marriage.
It soon became fact that I was just wishing that my parents would just give up the ghost. My prayers went like this "Dear God....really?"
By the time I was an adult and I had my own family, I tried my best to convince my stepmom to get a Divorce.
My reasoning? Can't parents be happy separated rather then miserable together?
Why do people hold on to a relationship that has run its course? Is it the sanctity of marriage?
Is it the commitment?
The kids? (which is the worse reasoning. EVER. Kids are happy as long as mom and dad are. Together or apart.)
Maybe it is the preconceived idea that you need SOME body to live out your life with. Which, I think is beautiful and lovely. Really I do. As long as you love them, passionately and with verve.
I know that Marriage is supposed to be 'in good times and in bad' forever and ever.
In my life before this one, I was married for 13 years. And it was perfectly good marriage too. We never fought, he was my very best friend and we took family vacations to Disneyland and Monterey.
I drove a MiniVan and I was a stay at home mom who volunteered at Shane and Emma's school.
I grew up thinking that these were the steps in life:
Grow up.
Get married.
Have Kids.
Die.
The end.
Marriage was a part of adulthood. The next step.
This blog is not to convince others that Divorce is the new skinny Jean. It is to establish my own singledom.
I remember the conversation that changed my life and my mind about marriage.
I was speaking to my mom on the phone one evening.
I will tell you that as much as I absolutely adored my father, he was a bad husband. He just was.
My mom was crying on the phone and quite honestly, even though my dad was a douche a lot of the time, she was excusing his newest douchery.
And while, I appreciated her doing that for me. It was unnecessary at this point.
"Mom. Just divorce him. I love you. but...ya know?"
She refused.
I remember that I was sad for her. She was in her late 40's, a very successful business woman who was miserable. And all because of my dad.
How sad.
After we hung up I was in tears. I did NOT want to be that person. Living in misery simply because it was what was 'supposed' to happen when you grow up.
And I refused to be that person.
I did not know what I was going to do, or how I would achieve it. But in this I was certain.
******************************************
If you sit in my circle time at Buhach Preschool, and you happen to state who you will marry when you grow up, I will correct you.
Fall 2012 in My pre-k class:
"When I grow up I am going to marry a Prince!"
"When I grow up...I'm ganna marry my dad."
"When I grow up, I'm ganna marry Mason."
Summer 2013 (after a year)
"Ummm Mrs.Beanie, After I go to college and buy a house and have my own car...then can I marry a prince?...after my education?"
"Yes."
"Okay good.....when do I start college again?"
I decided to teach all little girls the new improved steps of life:
Grow up but take your time
Educate yourself
Always accessorize
Live
**After my father passed away, my mom has since met and married the love of her life. They are happily running her ranch and beautifying her home like she always dreamed.
Sunday, June 16, 2013
Dad.
I was named after my dad. If I was a boy I was to be Laurence. I had a vagina, so they went with Laureen.
The first memory that I have of my dad, he was strumming on a guitar and singing my sister and I to sleep. I do not know how old we were, but even then I could sense the desperation in him. What the hell was he going to do as a single dad with two girls?
I felt that desperation all of my life from him.
My dad married a woman who had two kids. My sister Michelle and her brother Willie.
My dad worked all of the time. He worked in the Bay Area and us kids were raised in the country with our step mom. We saw him on the weekends, and I know that must have been hard.
Before his accident, my dad was the fun dad. Always in the pool playing with the children at the hacienda. Shaking us awake, and taking us for midnight horseback rides, swimming in the lake or walking the country roads with only the moon as our light.
He would point out constellations and sometimes we would find a spot and just lay down and stare in silence.
Out there, the sky at night is luminous. It is not a still painting that exists to bring you bed time.
It is full of life and movement.
Stars twinkle and dance.
They shoot across the distances as if racing one another.
It is alive.
Out there, the night practically breathes back at you.
My Dad was a very tall man with midnight hair. He loved to sport a beard and he was in the Clampers. He built motorcycles and cherished his Harley.
When I was a small child, he frightened me. I was quiet and shy, and he was loud and boisterous.
He use to tell me that as a baby I scared him, because I never cried. I would just sit up and watch everyone. That is when he started calling me "Bocco Dinky Dau." Sometimes that was shortened to just Dinky dau.
I loved it because he ONLY called me that. It was special....Until I finally asked what it meant when I was a teenager.
"What does that mean? And why do you only call me that?"
"Uhhhhh" He looked at my stepmom and she shrugged
He chuckled and looked uncomfortable.
I shall share with you the meaning:
Crazy or crazy in the head. Derived from half French half Vietnamese. Boocoo (Beaucoup) Dien cai dau (Crazy, or literally "crazy head").
A phrase used by Vietnamese street vendors to American GI's to suggest that GI's bargaining offer is crazy. Before Americans stepped onto Vietnamese soil the French were there for around 150 years so their influence can be seen.
Yeah. I'm a crazy head. Thanks Dad.
After my dads accident, he could no longer work.
And that is when he introduced me to Star Wars, Dune and Tron.
Robocop, Superman and Ghostbusters.
This is why I love Star Wars so much. All of these characters bring back that feeling from childhood. The same one I got when I was tucked into the next couch over, annoyingly asking questions a mile a minute, enjoying every single moment that he gave just to me.
When I was grown and had my son my dad use to just watch us together. He would laugh at me and one day, he approached me during a visit to my grandmas. His eyes were worried. His once midnight hair was now grey and his eyes sat behind reading glasses.
"I worry that I did not do enough with you girls."
(My sister and I were always "you girls")
"What do you mean?" (I knew what he meant)
"I just, was always busy. I don't know. I feel like I could have done more."
What was sitting before me was regret. Clothed in age and bent in pain.
I remember staring at him and wanting to tell him the truth. I did. I wanted to ask him why he couldn't just spend time with my sister and I. Why couldn't he ever make us feel special? Why did he always feel awkward around me? Why did he always have to marry people to take care of us.
Instead I lied to him.
The relief on his face was palpable.
I went home and wrote him a letter. It was titled "I remember...."
And it was full of the good things that filled my childhood. It was full of happy memories and grand words. I gave it to him for his last birthday.
I've seen my dad cry twice in my life.
Once when his favorite horse Keneta died. And once when he read that letter.
Who needs to work hard all of their life and have the bad parts come back to life? Nobody.
That day I gifted him with memories of a child, with relief and with love.
My father passed away that following November, and tucked away in his white bible were the words Entrophy + Chaos....and my letter.
I see so many different types of daddies in my line of work. I see loving ones and scared ones. I see absent ones and present ones.
They are all important to their children.
The actions that they take are the memories of generations. The memories that will be told and written down in letters and tucked away in White bibles.
They are important.
They are relevant.
Every time you walk into that room, and you scoop up your child and hold her to your heart. Every time you smooth down her hair and tell her she is beautiful and intelligent and that you love her. Those feelings that she has will be remembered. The smell of your hair and the feeling of how safe she is will be held in her heart.
They will be cherished and when she is grown and she is loved, she will know how to do it right.
Sunday, June 9, 2013
What the FUCK do women want?
This is a sequel to my blog about what men find attractive in a woman. Which, was intensely interesting to me, but I was writing blind.
THIS blog is about men and what makes them hunks of love, or douchebags, and that my friends is MY cup of cock....er ..tea.
I can tell you that in my 20's, my idea of the perfect man had a 'type'. Tall, dark hair, light eyes, perfect teeth, lovely ass and veiny arms. I love veiny arms.
(I wonder if veiny arms leads to veiny penises, but that makes my mind move in a different direction... We will save that for another day.)
As I have matured and my friends have as well, I notice that the core of a man is what is important. WHO he is. Qualities that sustain a relationship, both in friendship and love.
So lets start with me:
Attraction:
I like a man who is funny, but not annoying. Intelligently funny, not fart noises funny. That gets old really really quick. If you can make me laugh when I didn't even know I was going too. We're all good you and I. In fact a lot of the time, I wont even notice how someone looks until they have made me laugh. And THAT will make me look up to see if you are cute.
Intelligence is important as well. I consider myself an intelligent woman, let me at least believe that you can be smarter then I am. But don't be a douche about it. No I cannot reprogram a computer on a whim. But if you give me the manual I will figure it out.
I am a social butterfly. (My friends call me an attention whore, but whatever.)
I love to talk to people, say whatever is on my mind and make people laugh.
I am attracted to men who can do the same. (and can handle that I do it)
I love men doing men things with their friends. I love beer and hanging out and scratching balls. Whatever. Men are pigs and they are lovely because of it. I am a firm believe that men need to be around other men and do whatever men do together. Talk about vagina, fart, slap their balls together, what have you.
It is a mystery what they do. And I like it to stay that way.
I love a snappy dresser. I will not lie. I notice a man who dresses up a little. I love the pressed shirts and the ties. Growl. I love shiny shoes and when a man cares enough to groom. It just makes me want to mess it all up and bite them someplace naughty.
I love confidence. That's sexy to me. And I am also attracted to thinner men. No fatties. Ironic right?
I love men who are compassionate and help people, but never feel that they have to tell anyone about it. They do it because THEY care.
A Man who can laugh at himself, Me and then the both of us together.
And last but maybe most important: sexual attraction.
When I use to host pleasure parties we use to talk about pheromones. Pheromones are tiny molecules which attract two animals of the same species.
There is a special organ in the nose which detects and reacts with these pheromones.
Now. You cannot SMELL pheromones. Your body will just naturally react to them.
They can react poorly, which makes you want to avoid someone, or they cause you anxiety.
Or they can make you want to fuck someone's face off.....It's science yo.
I tend to listen to my Pheromones. If those bitches are pointing me someplace. There is a good reason. You shouldn't EVER argue with nature.
(Plus I think that Pheromones are the cause of a lot of those "I didn't MEAN to fuck her. She slipped and fell onto my penis" stories.... But I will leave that for another day.)
Unattraction:
This list can be long so lets do it fast.
I do not find men attractive who shave their armpits, have large nostrils or bad breath. I do not enjoy a man who is rude and doesn't know how to open doors, change tires or kill icky bugs for women.
Regardless of how you physically appear, you are buttfaced if you are: A bad dad, mean to animals or are addicted to any form of alcohol, pills or substance that is not my vagina.
If you cannot see the absolute and UTTER joy in Santa clause and will not giggle about the house hiding presents and eating cookies. (And be okay that my Christmas tree is still up next to my bed)
If you tell me how much you spent on something and I didn't ask, you are an ass.
If you brag. You are an ass.
If you complain about people in office but you did not vote. You are an ass.
If you judge others beliefs, but have none of your own. You are an ass.
If you are a Gay hater, I will kick you and call you an ass.
If you are not funny or boring. Bleh.
You see why I am single yeah?
So. Lets see what is both ATTRACTIVE and UNATTRACTIVE to other women.
#1 Married
Initially would be the smile, eyes, and voice. Physically is the V line and arm muscles and chest. Characteristically has to make me laugh, smart, and shows sensitivity.
To me what is I unattractive is being talked down to and baby talk.
#2 Committed long term relationship
What I find initially and physically attractive in man is his height and an ungreasy appearance. That would be the only thing I would physically look for aside from a sexy tattoo and or piercing or two.
Once he were to speak, honestly, his physical appearance no longer is an issue to me. After all looks fade. Tattoos stretch out and piercings leave weird holes when we are old.
What I find attractive is someone who takes the time to understand why I feel act or cry instead of brushing it off to illness or drama. Someone who I can laugh with but feel comfortable enough to vent to. Someone who wants to put me first, not all of the time but the times when it matters.
Someone who just for one day would stop everything they are doing to try to take my pain away or smile. Someone who I can see myself snuggling on the couch with all day when my children are gone and he give me the feeling of safety warmth and comfort.
Once he were to speak, honestly, his physical appearance no longer is an issue to me. After all looks fade. Tattoos stretch out and piercings leave weird holes when we are old.
What I find attractive is someone who takes the time to understand why I feel act or cry instead of brushing it off to illness or drama. Someone who I can laugh with but feel comfortable enough to vent to. Someone who wants to put me first, not all of the time but the times when it matters.
Someone who just for one day would stop everything they are doing to try to take my pain away or smile. Someone who I can see myself snuggling on the couch with all day when my children are gone and he give me the feeling of safety warmth and comfort.
Physically would be greasy hair and or skin...ew yuck showering is inexpensive and fast. Put a little thought into your appearance but not too much. I want to be the pretty one.
On the inside what I find unattractive is selfishness, not willing to give to Someone in need of emotional love. Someone who can walk away when they see someone cry. Someone who is never happy with what they have right in front of him and still craves for more.
On the inside what I find unattractive is selfishness, not willing to give to Someone in need of emotional love. Someone who can walk away when they see someone cry. Someone who is never happy with what they have right in front of him and still craves for more.
Oh and someone who can take and illness or weakness and turn that against you and turn you into someone you're not...jackass
#3 Married
That they have a great personality & their eyes. 2. Their attitude of being all that.
#4
1. Initially, their smile and their confidence.
2. Bad hygiene. Arrogance. When they talk too much about themselves.
#4
1. Initially, their smile and their confidence.
2. Bad hygiene. Arrogance. When they talk too much about themselves.
#5 Married
Initially, if not based on a conversation where there felt a connection, im attracted to height and a natural wedge shape. This doesn't matter however, if i talk to a man and his attitude sucks, he is too cocky, or has a horrible voice lol. Unattractive physical features: too skinny, too fat, super short, distasteful face expressions. For me pretty much all physical features either become more beautiful or more ugly to me based on the person's attitude and personality, for males or females.
non physical or personality characteristics...oh man, I love a country working man. Dirty jeans, worn out hats, old trucks, broke in boots, callouses, outside smell, even grease or engine smells....anything that tells me that man knows how to handle hard work and use his hands
mmm HMM!
#6 Married
1. Physically eyes, characteristically sense of humor
2. Body Oder and smoking
#6 Married
1. Physically eyes, characteristically sense of humor
2. Body Oder and smoking
A man who makes u smile just by smiling at u.. needs to have all his teeth and must have nice shoes (idk why but I always look at the shoes) lol and a smooth personality
I can't stand a man who brags about himself and who assumes they are better then others.. being cocky don't get u very far with Me :))
#8 Single
1. Initially, his energy. he has to have good energy, physically has to be his eyes and smile, and characteristically has to be a great sense of humor.
2. I think lying and cheating is very unattractive in a man. If you can't tell the truth and be faithful, then you should just stay into your own self
#9 Married
Physically first of all they have to be a manly man. fI i am more than a man than they are no thank you. They have to be tall. They have to have nice big hands. I want hands that look like they work for a living but also that they are taking care of. No fat men. Meaty is ok but not fat.
Characteristically: They have to be able to put up with my assertiveness. They have to have a willingness to change and grow from who they are. They have to be intelligent, if I can't have a conversation about politics, the latest studies in relationships, the issues that effect the world then they must move on. They MUST have a good work ethic. I need a good sense of humor. Must be willing to try new things in the bedroom, that is very important. Must like dogs. Shit i could go on forever.
Unattractive: metro sexual men. Men that take longer to get ready than i do. Men who think they do not need to grow. Uneducated men. Men that do NOT laugh out loud. Men with no drive. .
#10 Married
I like a man that makes me laugh and feel good about myself and has my back. A man that is open and honest. Of course having a big arms is a plus but it really is the personality and the way they make you feel. A man that has there shit together and goals in life....family, home etc
.I don't like man that brag and think they are better than other people or you if you make more money. My ex was intimidated that I had a gd job and was independent instead of seeing it as we can go far together and accomplish so much together. My husband has all great qualities that attracted me and this is why I married him...plus he has a bad ass car "lol
#11 Married
A nice smile, and intelligent
Bad teeth
#12 Single
A great smile and nice teeth are the first thing I notice:)...
Physically his outward appearance isnt everthing but if I could but in an order hw would b at keast 5'10 with big shoulders for me to lean on and strong arms to be able to give me great hugs
Characteristicically..easy going. Happy
The unattractive would be anger worh a temper!
#13 Married
1. The most alluring physical characteristic are the eyes. I still remember the first time I met Elmee and his eyes. When he spoke to me there was this connection without even any physical touch. Even now, after a long hard day at home with the kids, that loving glance without any words at all says, "I love and appreciate you, my love..."
Humor tops my list of favorite characteristics. Someone who can be silly and goofy and make me laugh until I pee my pants has definitely got my heart!
2. An unattractive heart. One without an empathetic soul who is self centered. Yuck!
#14 Married
Most men are definitely physical but if he loves race cars and you just hammered the race track but you may not be that attractive but he may find you irresitable.
#15
1. Smile and body
2. Cockiness
#16 In a relationship
I like eyes, pretty blue or icy green eyes
Character...brains, I can't stand stupidity, and a sense of humor
Character...brains, I can't stand stupidity, and a sense of humor
Do you want a list??? LOL
•Ego
•Stupidity or lack of intelligence
•Chauvinism
•A man with kids that doesn't put them first and foremost
•body odor and all around poor hygiene
•Ego
•Stupidity or lack of intelligence
•Chauvinism
•A man with kids that doesn't put them first and foremost
•body odor and all around poor hygiene
#17 In a relationship
He has to be okay looking and be a gentlemen
.....not employed is a turn off.
#18 Married
Looks aren't much but when i see a man with a child it makes me melt when they are in daddy mode.
A man that thinks he's gods gift to women. And someone who thinks women would be lucky for a women to have him.
A man that thinks he's gods gift to women. And someone who thinks women would be lucky for a women to have him.
#19 Married
A nice smile, broad shoulders, a good sense of humor.
A big ego
A big ego
#20 Single
Ummm, his smile (no jacked up teeth yo!) and must have a sense of humor!!
Unattractive, jacked up teeth yo!!! He can't be conceited, or have nasty hands (like E.T fingers w/the nails all chewed up gross!!!)
Unattractive, jacked up teeth yo!!! He can't be conceited, or have nasty hands (like E.T fingers w/the nails all chewed up gross!!!)
#21 Married
Good looks of course, but if his attitude sucks, nm! Lol
#22 Married...A Loooooong time!
Personality and smile initially. I like a carefree man since I tend to be high strung and Have to be in control!
Bossy men (that is my job!) I don't find smoking attractive at all and they have to put family first.
#23 Single
Physical first. confidence. they MUST MUST MUST Make me laugh, a little bad boy(not jail like bad boy) I Know ur gonna hate: This, but i need a little swag. but he has to b smart! !!!! Intellectual stimulation a MUST!!! Oh n he has to b skinny And EAT GOOD PUSSY Oh n imma kisser if he cant kiss,,buh bye, ,,,
stupid. cant make me laugh...My EX! look his Name up and he's everything I'm not attractive to!
(a chunky guy took me out...n i like skinny guys.. but his ass acted like he was the sexiest thing on earth so i started thinking he was lol.)
#24 Married
Physically- broad shoulders, nice smile, must be taller than me (although that's not difficult).
Characteristically- great sense of humor, confident but not cocky.
2. Unattractive- immaturity, cockiness, someone that lies, disrespectful to others.
Characteristically- great sense of humor, confident but not cocky.
2. Unattractive- immaturity, cockiness, someone that lies, disrespectful to others.
#25 Married
Oh boy. Okay. a) smile, nose, eyebrows, hands, feet, breath-- the way he dresses. b) honest, transparent, sense of humor, loving, romantic, the way he communicates. 2. Bad breath, arrogance, secretive, bad sense of humor.
#26 Married
I like a strong man. Someone I know can get things handled. Someone reliable, honest, and secure.
A musician is the hottest thing possible so if they can play a guitar, even better!!
A musician is the hottest thing possible so if they can play a guitar, even better!!
Unattractive- a bully! I hate when men are too aggressive. There is space between assertive and aggressive and I like a man that is comfortable in that pocket. I would also be way turned off if a man farted and burped and otherwise had bad manners in front of me... Ever.
#27 Single
Initially looks, I like stalky men preferably covered in tattoos with facial hair. They have to be some what edgy but caring as well funny where they can joke and be poked fun at but be sensitive enough to know when joking and sarcasm has gone to far.
Unattractive are little skinny Minnie's I need a guy that can protect me also if they are to needy.
Hope that helps
Hope that helps
Unattractive... Sorry a man who smells bad or has dirty hands. I mean I love a manly man who can get dirty working on a car, but do they clean up well. A man who is disrespectful and negative. I don't want to listen to someone who thinks they are better than everyone and blames their infortunes on others.
#29 In a relationship
An attractive man has to be for sure HARD WORKING, no lazy, out going, family person, great personality, has goals, thinks with his upper head & not his pee pee
Physically.. Goatie, tattoos, a lil chubby, and especially good teeth...
Unattractive- Hmm well some can get to clingy, when they have a lot of women txtn them, bar hoppers,
#30 Married
The first thing I notice in a guy is his smile.... his teeth. I find a tall man very attractive. For me I like a man who has a good sense of humor and is fun. I want a man that can make me laugh and play games. I want a man who has things in common with me.
A man who is shallow, materialistic, and controlling is a turn off. A man who is boastful and has to one up other people. Moodiness and a bad attitude.
#31 Married
What do I find attractive in a man?
Physically - overall good health, cute butt, nice smile, pretty eyes, good hair.
Mentally - social conscientiousness, a sick and sarcastic sense of humor, intelligence
What is unattractive?
Physically - bad teeth, poor hygiene
Mentally - misogyny, arrogance, stupidity
#32 Single
I'm attracted to funny men...like real humur, not dirty joke type of humor. A great smile does it for me as well. What's unattractive is the way a man speaks...if a man speaks to me and its flat or ghetto and I'm educated my stomach hurts lol that's no lie
SO that's it. The long and short of it. They covered most everything except penises. So I shall. It is especially nice when a man grooms his neither regions. No one likes pubic hair lodged in their throat. That includes us women. (or maybe it is just me....or maybe I am the only one it matters too...never the less any man reading this should know that.)
Also, even though you cannot help it if your penis is small or irregular shaped. That matters.
If you have a small penis and your wife, husband or lover regularly spouts to the world "It's not the size that matters! It's how they use it!" She is lying to you, but she does it because she loves you and is stuck with your penis. Forever.
Or she doesn't love sex, which works in your favor.
I know, I know...little guys need love too. Just not from me.
Saturday, June 8, 2013
Saying goodbye...
The first time that I said goobye to a child, I cried.
I tried not too.
The mom looked at me funny when I asked her to please call me and let me know how he is doing. She snorted as they left.
His name was Ryan. And he was was 2. He wore the most awesome shark shoes ever and his feet were adorable.
I have never seen feet that cute to this day.
He had a laugh that was infectious and he is now 8 years old.
As he walked away, looking over his shoulder at me with tears in his eyes, I knew that I had a problem in this field.
My Kindercare co-teacher at the time was horrible. She was a fucking bitch. I felt like I had to constantly save the children from her. And for the first entire month in there, I had laryngitis. SO I could only whisper.
My first day in that class I watched her tear Ryan's blanket out of his hands.
He screamed and fell to the floor.
His heart was broken. He wanted his mommy and then the bitch took his blanket. How sad.
"Stop it. Go sit down, you are fine." she said to him and walked away.
I walked up to his cubby, grabbed the blanket and gave it back to him, smiling at her the whole time.
"What are you doing??!!" She yelled. "They want to carry those around and they get dirty! THIS IS A BUSINESS! IM GOING TO GET IN TROUBLE!"
Ryan had grabbed his blanket, stuck his fingers in his mouth and placed his head against my leg. squeezing it as she yelled.
I walked up to her and had to whisper "This is not a business. This is a baby. Do not yell in this classroom again."
She laughed. "This is my class."
I whispered back "This is their class."
I knelt down to Ryan. "When you are done with your blanket. Will you put it away in your cubby so boogers don't get on it?"
He nodded. Released my leg and sat down for snack.
5 minutes later he brought me his blanket. "Okay Beanie, I am done." he whispered.
After that, the teacher would not help me with anything or speak to me in anyway. Which was fine. She sat there in the corner on her cell phone and I took charge.
Soon enough that bitch got fired.
Then Ryan left. I cried and told myself It was only because it was my first child.
Nope.
An older teacher once told me "You have to get that under control Beanie. It is the name of the game here. We teach, they leave. It always happens. You cant let yourself love them like that."
6 years later finds me in the same predicament only on a larger scale.
How can I spend every single day with a child and not love them? How can I hold them when they cry, help them when they cannot write and not love them?
How can I ask them to trust me and open up their hearts to me, without doing the same in return?
I cannot.
When I look at my sea of children that are sitting at my feet in circle time I do not see a class. I see individual children who have grown in individual ways. I see a child who could not even sit in class, folding his legs and sitting "proper" I see a boy who could not keep his hands to himself telling another one "I do not like that. No thank you!" and moving away.
Every day, over and over it happens.
"Ms.Beanie! That is an exclamation mark!"
"Ms. Beanie! I found 25cents. Its a quarter so that's 25 cents. Do you want it or can I take it home just this once?"
I see children that I have helped empower, teach and laugh waiting with baited breath to unveil their magical qualities to the world.
I am proud of them.
I love them.
They have become mine.
Every year, I also have children that do not want to leave my class.
"Can you talk UP kindergarten?" Parents ask
I always say yes.
I always do.
I talk about what amazing teachers they are, and of course I personally KNOW all of them. They are my friends who cannot wait to see them!
Yes. I lie. But whatever....
As much as I am going to miss my babies. My job has a purpose. It is to ready the lucky students of Buhach for kindergarten.
And they have to go. So Id rather they do it confidently then sad.
And there Is only one child who has seen through my facade.
One child, who no matter what I have said, promised or coerced...manages to yell "NO!" at every discussion of Kindergarten.
On Thursday, before graduation, I was stressed to the max.
The slideshow that I had made for the parents had disappeared from the computer and I knew that what I needed was a squeezie.
(A squeezie, incase you do not know, is a hug with your whole heart.)
I walked into my classroom at naptime, and promptly lay down beside Mason. He smiled and lay his head right over my heart. "Are you freaking out?" he said.
"yep."
"You know that my birthday is not for a long time away...almost Halloween." His eyes had that far off look, like his mind had skipped ahead over all of the months, peeked into October, and to him that seemed to be forever away.
"I know."
Then he got shy. Which Mason doesn't usually do with me. "I'm going to have a StarWars party, so you will come."
I could have told him that I will go to his party whether it was star wars or not. Instead I said "Cool. I'm totally ganna steal a goodie bag."
"Yeah." He smiled "So why are you freakin out?"
" The movie I was working on disappeared. It's FREAKING me out." I said
"My mom says if things get broken, like my leggos. Then I can build it again and not get mad."
"Yeah. Your mom is wicked smart. So you think I should just build it again?"
"Yeah. My mom says so and she is right a lot."
"Okay. Beijo?"
He kissed my cheek and I stood up.
Four year olds (and their moms) are smart.
They come, They learn, They leave, only now it is better because we have loved each other as well.
And they walk away leaving us both better because of it.
I tried not too.
The mom looked at me funny when I asked her to please call me and let me know how he is doing. She snorted as they left.
His name was Ryan. And he was was 2. He wore the most awesome shark shoes ever and his feet were adorable.
I have never seen feet that cute to this day.
He had a laugh that was infectious and he is now 8 years old.
As he walked away, looking over his shoulder at me with tears in his eyes, I knew that I had a problem in this field.
My Kindercare co-teacher at the time was horrible. She was a fucking bitch. I felt like I had to constantly save the children from her. And for the first entire month in there, I had laryngitis. SO I could only whisper.
My first day in that class I watched her tear Ryan's blanket out of his hands.
He screamed and fell to the floor.
His heart was broken. He wanted his mommy and then the bitch took his blanket. How sad.
"Stop it. Go sit down, you are fine." she said to him and walked away.
I walked up to his cubby, grabbed the blanket and gave it back to him, smiling at her the whole time.
"What are you doing??!!" She yelled. "They want to carry those around and they get dirty! THIS IS A BUSINESS! IM GOING TO GET IN TROUBLE!"
Ryan had grabbed his blanket, stuck his fingers in his mouth and placed his head against my leg. squeezing it as she yelled.
I walked up to her and had to whisper "This is not a business. This is a baby. Do not yell in this classroom again."
She laughed. "This is my class."
I whispered back "This is their class."
I knelt down to Ryan. "When you are done with your blanket. Will you put it away in your cubby so boogers don't get on it?"
He nodded. Released my leg and sat down for snack.
5 minutes later he brought me his blanket. "Okay Beanie, I am done." he whispered.
After that, the teacher would not help me with anything or speak to me in anyway. Which was fine. She sat there in the corner on her cell phone and I took charge.
Soon enough that bitch got fired.
Then Ryan left. I cried and told myself It was only because it was my first child.
Nope.
An older teacher once told me "You have to get that under control Beanie. It is the name of the game here. We teach, they leave. It always happens. You cant let yourself love them like that."
6 years later finds me in the same predicament only on a larger scale.
How can I spend every single day with a child and not love them? How can I hold them when they cry, help them when they cannot write and not love them?
How can I ask them to trust me and open up their hearts to me, without doing the same in return?
I cannot.
When I look at my sea of children that are sitting at my feet in circle time I do not see a class. I see individual children who have grown in individual ways. I see a child who could not even sit in class, folding his legs and sitting "proper" I see a boy who could not keep his hands to himself telling another one "I do not like that. No thank you!" and moving away.
Every day, over and over it happens.
"Ms.Beanie! That is an exclamation mark!"
"Ms. Beanie! I found 25cents. Its a quarter so that's 25 cents. Do you want it or can I take it home just this once?"
I see children that I have helped empower, teach and laugh waiting with baited breath to unveil their magical qualities to the world.
I am proud of them.
I love them.
They have become mine.
Every year, I also have children that do not want to leave my class.
"Can you talk UP kindergarten?" Parents ask
I always say yes.
I always do.
I talk about what amazing teachers they are, and of course I personally KNOW all of them. They are my friends who cannot wait to see them!
Yes. I lie. But whatever....
As much as I am going to miss my babies. My job has a purpose. It is to ready the lucky students of Buhach for kindergarten.
And they have to go. So Id rather they do it confidently then sad.
And there Is only one child who has seen through my facade.
One child, who no matter what I have said, promised or coerced...manages to yell "NO!" at every discussion of Kindergarten.
On Thursday, before graduation, I was stressed to the max.
The slideshow that I had made for the parents had disappeared from the computer and I knew that what I needed was a squeezie.
(A squeezie, incase you do not know, is a hug with your whole heart.)
I walked into my classroom at naptime, and promptly lay down beside Mason. He smiled and lay his head right over my heart. "Are you freaking out?" he said.
"yep."
"You know that my birthday is not for a long time away...almost Halloween." His eyes had that far off look, like his mind had skipped ahead over all of the months, peeked into October, and to him that seemed to be forever away.
"I know."
Then he got shy. Which Mason doesn't usually do with me. "I'm going to have a StarWars party, so you will come."
I could have told him that I will go to his party whether it was star wars or not. Instead I said "Cool. I'm totally ganna steal a goodie bag."
"Yeah." He smiled "So why are you freakin out?"
" The movie I was working on disappeared. It's FREAKING me out." I said
"My mom says if things get broken, like my leggos. Then I can build it again and not get mad."
"Yeah. Your mom is wicked smart. So you think I should just build it again?"
"Yeah. My mom says so and she is right a lot."
"Okay. Beijo?"
He kissed my cheek and I stood up.
Four year olds (and their moms) are smart.
They come, They learn, They leave, only now it is better because we have loved each other as well.
And they walk away leaving us both better because of it.
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