We're fucked.

"AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
I omit a scream that I kid you not, incited my pitbull to scratch at her ears, my daughter to gasp and the world to FREEZE.

FREEZE in terror, and I shall tell you why.

Let's set the mood shall we?

I had a lovely day with my main midget and her Bestie.

Besides trying to locate a Walmart that has the ability to expel money into my hands (another story) We had spent the day perusing scary stores and laughing over Emma's small quips and funny antics.

My kid is funny, what can I say.

We went to 3 different Halloween stores and only left the last one when I heard a frantic grunting behind me. Frightened, I looked over my shoulder only to find a hefty lady leaning on her cart and making noises that could incite the dead.

I hate making fun of fatties, and I shant. Suffice it to say I grabbed my kids and sighed while looking up to heaven at Jesus. "Why did that just happen." I stated.

Rick swears Fat people grunt when they walk, and I hate anything that leans in his favor. This was Jesus telling me to leave the store. So I did. (without grunting)

Once we dropped off Emma's friend we went home.

Do you know that feeling that you get when you enter your most favoritest place in the world? That happy bubbly feeling of love and perfect-ness? That is how I feel every time I walk through my doors.

"Hello home!" I always say and place my purse on the proper hanger of my coat tree.

I turned the coffee pot on and picked up my book. The house was silent, save for the turtle tank bubbling so nicely, quite like a water fall. And the almost silent thrumming of the fan, sending the perfect amount of air whispering over me.

Eventually I fell asleep, curled on my favorite cream couch that is absolute heaven. It is thick and fluffy and it folds you into its cushions.

While I slept, Emma read.

When I awoke from my nap I refilled my ice tea, grabbed my book and my e-cig and settled back for some more lovely evening.

And that is when it happened.....Horror!

I had just turned the electronic page of my book when I saw it. Movement on the couch....Movement right NEXT to me......

It....

was.....

a.......

MOUSE!!!!!



"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRHHHHHHHHHHHH!" I screamed.

I don't know how I got across the room and up onto the sectional but I did. THIS Fat bitch flew.

I screamed and screamed and screamed some more.

I screamed while pointing to the couch.

I screamed while jumping.

I screamed while looking down at my daughter next to me, looking up at me in horror and confusion.

I screamed while shaking out my dress and holding a pillow over my mouth because I KNEW I was being crazy...but I couldn't help it.

"WHAT IS WRONG!?" Emma asked while beginning to laugh "LOOK AT YOUUU!!!!"
she pointed and laughed out loud.

I took a breath. "A MOUSEEEEEEEEEEEEE A MOUSEEEEEEEEEEEEEE ON MY COUCHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Spittle flew across the room

Emma stood up, looked at the couch... looked at me and started laughing so hard she bent in half.

"A MOUSE A MOUSEEEEEEEEEE KARMA EAT IT EAT ITTTTTTT!"  At the mention of her name Karmas ears perked up.

"KARMA ATTACK!!!!!!!!" I screamed. She woofed and viciously attacked the couch pillow.
(And when I say vicious, I mean she gingerly nipped at it and drug it across the room.)

"NO KARMAAAAA EAT IT!!!!"
She nipped at the pillow again and then rolled onto her back, expecting a belly rub and an atta girl.

"Good girl Karma! You are so vicious! You saved our lives!" Emma gushed over her while I did the HOLY FUCK THERE IS A MOUSE dance.

"WHERE IS SHAAAAAANE!!!!!??? SHAAAAAAANEEEEEE" I cried.

Emma stood up. "CALM DOWN!" She ordered, but she couldn't stop laughing. "Oh my God! It was a little cute mouse."

"IT IS IN MY HOUSE AND ON MY FURNITUREEEEEEEEEEE!" I screamed

Emma walked tword the couch.

"Take a light saber!" I hollered. She grabbed one from the wall. (while rolling her eyes)
I then realized that I was letting my child get eaten by a mouse, and that is not really a good thing to do, so I gingerly got off of the sectional and ran to my heaven couch.

"OOooooh!" I huffed while standing in front of it. "OOooooh!" I moaned while removing a cushion.

With each removal I jerked the pillow off and screamed, holding my light saber over my head for maximum mouse bashing technique.

"Emma, if you see a mouse bop it!"

She stood next to the couch laughing and pointing at me. I don't think she understood the upheaval my stomach was facing.

"Lookatyooooou!" She laughed

"Laugh it up SHIT!" I grit through my teeth. THIS.WAS.HORRIBLE!

Every single luscious pillow cushion was removed and there was no mouse to bop.

We took turns beating the couch with our light sabers, each bap causing lights to flash and the sabers to omit sounds.

I turned the couch completely over. NOTHING.

We bopped it some more. Punctuating each hit with a shriek from me and a chortle from Emma.

Nothing happened, except Emma laughed even harder. "This is my FAVORITE part of the day."

"WHA.....WHY?!" I grumbled

"Look at us! We are beating our couch with light sabers! There is nothing there Ma."

"But there WAS! I saw it!"

"Ma. We have a huge field, it probably scampered inside and scampered outside again. Stop freaking out. Nothing is here."

I harrumphed and agreed that my couch was mouse free. Just incase I plugged any area of it that could be accessed by a mouse and refashioned my perfect heaven couch.

"MY life is RUUUUUUINED!" I moaned

"Oh my God. You are so dramatic. Your couch is fine! We took the whole thing apart."

"Okay Emma" I pouted and turned on BONES. I looked at Karma and growled. Her ears perked up and she rolled over.

"Aweeee she is so cute! She saved our lives! Didn't you BAY-BEE!"

Karma wiggled to and fro on her back, soaking in Emma's gratitude.

"NO! She did not save us! How sad Karma." She looked at me, turned her head to the side and I melted.

Rubbing her tummy I thanked her for saving our lives from the dreaded pillow monster.

She is now asleep at my feet, quite confident in abilities to nip a pillow and have us fawn over her.

When the Zombies come, we're fucked.

HERSELF

'Mom, can you help me pick out something for picture day?"

Several things go through my mind. The first one being: "Is this a trap?"

I don't let on that I am shocked.

My daughter and I don't exactly share the same style.

She is all ripped jeans and pink Floyd T-shirts. Converse and Rock.

I am all dresses and red lipstick.  I quite prefer things that are ALMOST ugly, but not quite.

But I don't say that, I calm my face (which is quite hard to do) and say "Of course." I cant say this with too much enthusiasm, because Emma letting me help her dress is as elusive as a silent fart while seated in a plastic chair. That shit is rare.

(.... and Emma has been dressing herself since she was 4.)

We enter her room. Teal walls and black and white everything else. Wise quotes are written on the wall with black sharpie and her art is meticulously pinned there as well.

I turn to her clothing, which is (like mine) hung up according to color.

I start to go through her clothing and pull out her Led Zeppelin White T-shirt with black 3/4 length sleeves. "I think you should wear one of your favorite T-shirts with your white converse."

I am quite happy with myself and so I smile.

She sighs and her shoulders sag. "I don't want to wear a T-shirt"

"Wha...." I look at her and then turn to her closet. "Honey, you wanted only t-shirts. Oh! Here is not a t-shirt!" and I pull out one of her plaid tops. "You can wear your plaid. I am sure on you it is not Dyke-ish!"

She shakes her head and gives me a look.

I turn back to the closet and reach waaaay WAAAAAAYin the back. I pull out a dress that should be covered in spider webs and forget-me dust. "THIS!" I announce proudly.

"NO dresses."

At this moment I am quite honestly trying not to laugh, I also think there is a learning lesson in this for her. "Babe. We have to go with our options. And yours are...Lemme see... Of Mice and Men, Pink Floyd, Green Day ...OH this one has good colors! " I say holding it up.

She shakes her disappointed head.

"Ah. Well maybe next year we shall think about this before the actual picture day. As of now...let see.." And I hold up a long sleeve top. It is grey and has black X's all over it. She puts it on.

"The cut is lovely on you. A vest would look perfect over it and several necklaces, all different lengths."

She grunts. The necklaces are too much.

"IT is HOT today."

"Yes it is, but you could always change afterwards."

*INSERT EMMA SIGH HERE ( which is tsunami-ish) Quite honestly, it makes me want to pop her head off of her body.

Instead I wait and hold everything in, because I am a mom and I am supposed to.

She decided that it is "FINE" and I begin to braid her hair to the side. At the end I put 6 thick black rubber bands in quick succession. It makes her look like a badass and I tell her so.

She nods and a smile appears on her face. A small one.

She puts on her thick black nerdy glasses (MY PICK!) and turns to go. "Hey."

She stops.

I touch her arm "You are a Queen."

She sighs "Yes MOM."

"Then act like it."

She leaves the room and I follow her as she walks spraying her with girly spray and telling her how beautiful she is.

Brandee is at the end of the hall and she looks at me over Emma's head with a bewildered look. I echo the same look back and do the whole Head shake, shoulder shrug. Which is silent speak for "I don't know what the fuck..."

She takes Emma to her stop, because I stayed home sick that day.

 

5 minutes later I get a Text from Emma: "Sorry Ma I just wanted to look pretty"

 

I respond "You are BEAUTIFUL, and your hair looks amazing. I love you."

 

"Love you too Ma."

Being a parent is tiptoeing around life lessons, but letting your child come to the conclusion themselves.  And believe me, it is hard to do.

When Emma got home that night, she decided that next year we will pick out an outfit while we shop for pictures.

I responded with "Very good idea."

It is my job to be cried upon, sighed at and ranted too and to be the person who will wait, listen and guide.

I am not in a competition with my kids over who is right and who is wrong. No parent should be. Of course we know more then they do. We are grown-ups and they are children.

I am not trying to grow Emma's faith or belief in ME, She has had that since the moment that she was born, was hungry and I fed her.

I am trying to do something even larger. I am trying to grow her belief in HERSELF.

FUCK this drought!

I am sitting on my couch, drinking my coffee when the news flashes.
It practically screams at me. "The heat returns." and I want to cut a bitch.

I cant handle this anymore, I am about to snap.

As far as I am concerned EVERYTHING is the drought fault.

Sicknesses that are everywhere. THE DROUGHT.

My hair wont curl the same.....drought.

My stomach hurting....HELLO??? My body is OBVIOUSLY reacting to the drought!


Insane murder massacres? The drought finally got to them. I cant blame them, I am about to loose it my self.

I may be slightly obsessed with it. OBVIOUSLY the end is nigh. Buy bottled water bitches, because zombism is caused by the drought. People will start to go mad and end up eating each others face off because they DARED to water their grass too long.

I will be patient ZERO and Brandees neighbor is on my face eating list.

Her grass is shiny and deep green, mostly because she waters it until water is trickling in the street as I drive up. "OHMYGOD!! LOOK AT THIS ASSHOLE!" I yell at 5:45 am

I hate her and I have never seen her. Just wait bitch. When the world ends I am going all kindsa PURGE on you....everyone will understand.

Last week when I purchased a flat of water Emma's Eyebrows raised "What are we buying this for? You love our water."

"UM HELLO! Drought!! The world is ending child. It is obvious that everyone is going to turn into Zombies and we will need water in bottles."

"You bought end of the world water?"

"Uh huh" I nod
"Okay ma."

"Laugh now, thank me later honky."

I think I am starting to scare people "Beanie I HAD to put water in my bird bath. Birds need water. There is a drought." Mandy stated to me a few weeks ago.

I nod and turn my glare to her neighbor across the street. PURGE BITCH. I think...and then I smile.

At the first sign of rain last week I was exiting the Dollar General with Brandee prior to work and I screamed at the top of my lungs "ITS RAINING!!!!!!"

I spread my arms and jumped up and down. I spun in a circle and felt the world become whole again! People slowed down and stared at me. Whatever. I don't care if it was only 7 drops of the stuff.

Not only is the world ending from the drought and the effects there of, but this heat is killing my fall wardrobe.
For instance, I have the most lovely dress that cannot be worn until the temperatures decline.

NOW the heat has gotten between myself and my lovely dress.

It is all down hill from there bitches.