Perspective.

I woke up this morning way too early and with the thought in my head that Dragons were breathing on me.



1. I was hot. I am fat and it was hot as dragon breath in my room.

2. How to train your dragon has been playing on repeat in my room for 3 days and in actuality it was the screeching of the movie that woke me, not a dragon bent on fatty blood.



I limped out to the coffee maker as quietly as I could. It was not children that I was afraid to wake...it was Karma. She has been experiencing excitement at an extreme level.



For instance when I wake up, she usually runs past me and over to the front door, looking at me excitedly while I growl at her and reach for my coffee carafe.



I'm sorry. COFFEE first. You pee SECOND.



Then I open the door for her and she dances outside and looks at me expectedly. Like I am going to frolic with her on the porch.



Or at night when I get home, she wags her tail so hard it practically touches her ears.



She misses our morning walks, and apparently me as well. Either that or she has dipped into the next door neighbors Meth Stash.



I miss her too.



When Emma wakes up I smile at her and she just stares at me and tries to become invisible. She knows that I want to hug her and she is uncomfortable with this lately.

Maybe its because of her boobs. Who knows.



Whatever the reason is, when I see a child that I personally squeezed out of the cavity of my body...I have an overwhelming urge to squish their body into mine, smell their hair and say something inappropriate...its sorta how I show my love.



I am touchy.



I love to feel bodies, clothing and love. I am 36 this is not going to change and it cannot be helped.

"Come here my little baaaaby" I say and reach my hands out to her.



She pouts, walks into my arms and sorta of plunks her head against my chest.



This is how 12 year old Emma shows love. She allows me to hug her. I have to just accept it and roll with it.



I squeeze her and Sing into her ear "Do you want me to dance for you?"



"No...NO...Please no."



I look affronted. Offended even "Why do you NOT want me to POP it, LOCK it and DROP it like it is hot?"



She laughs at me "That is not how it goes mom."


I move my hands very mechanically (If I do say so myself) and tilt my head "I look exactly like the girl on TV." I say in an amazed manner.



Emma covers her mouth. She is mortified at me. "No mom."



I laugh and let her go.



I have learned in the past year that something's take a bit of "thinking on" gathering information, taking a step back and putting things into perspective.

Thank YOU for ME.

I wrote this post a few months back, but didn't feel like I had a right to put it out there at the time.
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My mom died today.


I did not know her well.


I do not know what perfume she preferred, or what her favorite color was.


I do not know the story of why my Father raised my sister and I, but whatever reason it was, I was never angry with her for the choices that she had to make in order to survive in her own story.




I have always known that sometimes, we have to make choices and decisions that others do not understand.


I have always felt that she did.




I have some memories of my mom, Always good ones.
I wasn't old enough to remember bad times or hold on to bad memories.




Maybe I have forgotten them.




I do remember her laugh. She had the best laugh that I have ever heard. It attracted me instantly to her the very first time that I heard it.


It was a laugh that was given with every inch of her.
Gritty, loud and real.
As a child, I wanted to blanket it around me.
I wanted to be the recipient of that laugh, and watch her eyes alight on me.




I remember visiting her when I was young and being in awe of how beautiful my mom was.
I took pride in that.
She was fun and beautiful and she laughed a lot.




I have not spoken to her in years, and yet when my sister told me of her passing...tears filled my eyes.


 Regret inevitably followed.


I couldn't put a name on why I was so sad. Why would I cry for someone that I did not know?My sisters sobs echoed my own.




"Why are we crying?" I mumbled into the phone


"Because...she gave us life. She was our mom." My sister replied.




It is sad.


And yet I hope that she finds peace at last.




I hope that whatever monsters or demons have chased her, have become slain by her passing.


I hope that she knows how thankful I am that she had me.
My sister.
US.

Courage.

cour·age

 the ability to do something that frightens one.

"she called on all her courage to face the ordeal"

 strength in the face of pain or grief.

"he fought his illness with great courage"

synonyms: bravery, courageousness, pluck, pluckiness, valor, fearlessness, intrepidity, nerve, daring, audacity, boldness, grit, true grit, hardihood, heroism, gallantry;

Ever since Caitlyn Jenner came out as transgender, I have ignored the memes, scrolled past the criticisms and wandered on to better  thoughts and ideas.

Everyone is entitled to their beliefs and thoughts. Me defending my own simply wastes my breath.

Today while having dinner with my children, I saw another and I said aloud, "fuck it, if they can spew their bullshit, well then so can I."

And that is what I am doing. If you are go  to be offended I don't give two fucks.

Caitlyn Jenner IS in fact courageous. SHE has come out to her family, which is hard enough. But she did it publicly and she did it that way for a reason. She wants to help other people like her.

I have been born and raised to be Patriotic. I have an entire wall in my home dedicated to my father and late Father in Law that shows their hard work and honor in defending their country.

I love my country and no matter who is leading it, I will support him because he is my president. I am honored that my family has had a part in defending it.

By saying that Caitlyn Jenner is courageous, this In no way diminishing the acts of courage that our soldiers endure each and every day.

To YOU, maybe Caitlin is not courageous. But to a million others she is.

To me she is.

She is the face of where the world is right now. And when people rant and rave about being pissed off at "The gays rights" all I can compare them to is the people who were furious about women's right to vote or the abolishment of slavery.

The world is evolving. Its people are evolving, as we have always done. You have two choices. Acceptance and education or stay stagnant and angry.

As much as I love our military, the word courage does not only belong to them.

It takes courage to be bare to others.

It takes courage to be a single mom who will go a week and hardly eat so that her children have food.

It takes courage to walk into an AA meeting and come back again the following week.

It takes courage to start a new business and be responsible for another human beings livelihood.

It takes courage to leave an abusive relationship.

It takes courage to do many things.

This is not a competition. I can understand others people beliefs and thoughts on it and you are entitled to them. And so am I.