The Facebook asked me, rather nosey-ly I might add.
It was the day to post what we are thankful for....I would leave the chair and return several times. What am I thankful for?
There is an elephant in the room on each of my days. On every morning upon waking and finding yet another baby shoe to trip on. On seeing Mrs. Maria at work, The sadness in her eyes mirrors my own.
In the empty backseat and the empty highchair. It sounds cold, I know, to ignore the fact that Jorden is gone. I can ignore it or embrace it and as of yet the thought of embracing the gaping hole inside of my heart is unbearable. Instead I bury it down...so deep down inside of me that it is muffled and cannot be heard, felt or touched.
I will take it out again when the pain as lessened and I can analyze my feelings as well as the reasoning behind the human beings who would do this.
My Daddy taught me, Your mind can play tricks ON you, or play tricks FOR you. And as of yet I am enjoying the tricks the mind plays for me. The numbing of my heart is automatic....It cannot be healthy. But there it is.
I am not the type to wallow. In grief, in depression or in the act of dispair.
I have to focus on something....anything...
I am thankful to those friends who helped me focus, when my eyes could not.
I am thankful for the place that I work. ( don't tell my boss) I love my job and I love all of the children housed in my classroom. My little tiny snotty squishes. Who make me laugh when I forget too.
I am thankful for friends who help me every single day. To laugh, to worry...to find the next thing to look forward too.
I am MOST thankful for Shane and Emma, who constantly amaze and thrill me with their humor, wit and laughter.
I am thankful for everything good. Every scrap of goodness that can come out of this world. I say a silent 'Thank you' for. The blink of a christmas light, the laughter of a child. The kiss between two people, even if I do not know them.
A smile, a new movie, and exciting event in someone elses life..... Feeds me happiness, Joy and Hope. I latch on to it like a succubus, drinking heavily and coming away fulfilled.
