Detox: Days 4-6

DAY 4


On Thursday I looked at myself in the mirror and realized...holy shit! I'm skinny!!

....(not for realzies)

"I'm still fat." I pouted

"Be patient." Shane patted my leg

"But...but I am still fat, my fat is still allllll over!" I poked at my belly as we drove home from work.

"Yes, but you are BEAUTIFUL. SO there." He crossed his arms and I skinied my eyes up at him.

By the evening on the 4th day I just wanted to SMELL the peanut butter. I wasn't going to eat it, or lick it...just SMELL it.

"I miiiiisss Peanut butter. Peanut butter is natural. My body is supposed to have it! I miss bread and so I will grieve with PEANUT BUTTER."

(You can all shake your heads but it made PERFECT sense to me.)

"MAMA step away from the Pantry!" Emma put her body between the creamy JIF and my taste buds. "Double V mamma....Double V."

"Emma! Peanuts are made on earth and therefore I can eat them." I answered her, but I was already turning away from the peanut butter.

"Lets have a nice delicious salad!" Emma smiled at me encouragingly "You want me to eat one too? I will eat a salad for you."

"But you hate salad." I opened the fridge and reached for the veggies.

"I KNOW." she shot back and then cringed

I decided to try a wrap. "I'm so sick of meat chunks. I can't doooooo ittttt" I rummaged around in the fridge.

In case you cannot tell, I whine more then my children EVER have.

I made some chicken salad and plopped it in a lettuce leaf. A FUCKING lettuce leaf. I topped it with olives and avocados.

I looked at it. Then looked at Shane. "This is groooooooss."

"How do you know?"

"It LOOKS grooooooooos."

"Try it and then if it is gross don't eat it." He shrugged

I picked it up. "Look at it." I grumbled. "There is nothing delicious about this." It was leafy, green and not at all bread-ish.

"Mother. Just TRY it." Shane sighed and walked out of the room. I think he was frustrated at my whining, but whatever. I breastfed him for 2 years, he has to deal with my EVERYTHING. It's a deal we made when he was an infant and couldn't dispute it.

I lifted it to my mouth, closed my eyes and took a bite.

"Oh!" I said with a mouthful "This is delicious! Shaaaaane guess what?! This is delicious!!" I hopped a little on the balls of my feet. I was happy.

"Imagine that." Shane replied

That night I ate my wrap and my salad (with avocados, tomatoes, hardboiled eggs, green olives and cucumbers) and looked forward to my after dinner coffee.


DAY 5

Friday I woke up with a lot of energy. There was no dragging feeling that I had experienced for the prior 3 days.

I drank my coffee (no sugar) ate my bacon and eggs and headed out to walk with Karma.
The day was great with no problems....until.....

THE S'MORES INCIDENT!!!!!
(duh duh Duuuuuuuuuuh)

On my lunch I sat down on the office

"After your lunch, I need you to do the S'mores."

"okay!" I was excited. Mainly because I love doing stuff like this.

 It was also a good way to find out first hand if Juan and I were as genius-y as we thought we were.

Back in the spring while planning our summer activities we had to come up with a way for S'MORE making to be faster and more plentiful. (AND with less graham cracker break-age...its a thing.)

The solution? Marshmallow fluff.

SO after lunch I grabbed the box of HERSHEY bars and went into the kitchen.

As I opened each bar of chocolate the smell bitch slapped my nose.

"WHAM" Deliciousness....

"WHAM" smooth and creaminess

I did the math and lined them up with the neatly(ish) broken graham crackers.

I stared at the chocolate....

"Hello Methamphetamine." I murmured

The chocolate did not talk back. It did however wish that I would make love to it with my mouth.
I moved forward and picked up the spoon.

Halfway though the S'MORE incident, I squealed with glee "this is fucking genius!!!" I would have done a fistpump,but I was sticky with marshmallow cream.

There were no breakages, no burned fingers and I got them all done within the hour.

I sat back, satisfied.

And then I noticed a glob of marshmallow in my hair.

"UHOHHHH" I muttered, staring at it. Instinct is to suck it off.

 (that's what she said)

"Brandeeeeeeeeeee" I moaned

"Uhoh!" Brandee rushed over and popped my hair into her mouth. "There. All better." And she went back to sit down.

"Thank you." I said, as I stacked the last S'MORE on top of the pile of goodness."aaaaaand Finished. Challenge accepted."


The rest of the day went smoothly.

This morning (or day 6) found me in the Farmers Market and after a trip to Trader Joes to peruse all of their foods.

I ended up with some goodies to get me through the week:

Day 6 is half done. I lunched on fresh artichoke, and a berry salad.
So far so good. (minus the first 3 days)

To be continued.....

(unless a cupcake jumps into my body)

Getting clean. Days 1-3

Day one


"I'm Hoooooot! I think I am hot because the carbs are leaving my body. I need carbs to keep me cool!"

"Uh I do not think that is true." Emma laughed at me.

"I am sweatyyyyyy. I think Carbs help keep the sweat inside my bodyyyyy." I whined as I moved in front of the air conditioner and spread out my arms.

(I fancied myself a more grounded version of Leonardo DiCaprio during the titanic scene...you know, except with a vagina.)

Emma laughed at me while I lamented. "I neeeeeed Carbs. I love them in fact. Ohhhhhh I miss them so!"


"Momma....Double V." Emma stated matter of factly.

"You are right" I nodded "I'm going to bed to watch The Avatar. Ang will make me feel better."

I kissed Shane goodnight and asked him if I was already skinnier. "Yes you are. You are beautiful." He swore.

It made me happy and I trudged off to bed.



Day Two  found me in entirely new terrain.

I am convinced that my addiction to delicious foods is the very same as being addicted to Meth.

"Are  you okay Beanie?" Brandee asked me this morning while we drove to work.

"I'm fine...you know, except for the fact that my eyes OBVIOUSLY are use to carbs helping to block out the sun and so I am practically blind."

Did you KNOW that I am dramatic?

I am.

Getting 'clean' off of shit food only makes me more so.

At lunch I looked at Birdies McDonalds fries and wanted to snatch one, but then remembered that Fries are my Meth and I am an addict.

"I want to start a Carbs anonymous." I declared while munching on my fruit salad. I was TRYING to  pretend that it was a fry, but the coldness just fucked that all up.

Everyone just nodded at me (like they agreed with me) but didn't make eye contact.


Day Three

Carbs are the best things in the whole universe.
And diets are the WORST.

Today when I walked into the staff room. On the table was a chocolate cake with chocolate frosting.
And on the top it said in Sharpie "Ha Ha Beanie is on a diet...eat up bitches!!!! P.S breathe in her face."

Not really.

But that is how I took the chocolate deliciousness.

I sniffed it and tonight, when I told Emma about it she shrieked "DONT SNIFF THINGS!! You are inhaling CARBS."

That made me worry that I had accidently put carb poisons into my body that I almost fell off the fat wagon, ran into the kitchen and scarfed down peanut butter....with my bare fingers.

She sang the 'Double V' chant to me and I calmed down.....



What the 'Double V' chant is:

Double V
Double V
Double V

That is the chant.

What the double V chant means:

Basically I am convinced that I have TWO vaginas. My normal one and then the fat that is between my thighs. I call it my double vagina.

My family chants Double V to me, to remind me that I really should only have ONE vagina.,
Its nice of them huh?

Too fat for fashion.

 

About 2 months ago....

I sat in my surgeons office whining at him like a bitch.

"Don't EVEN tell me to diet. I HAVE."

"How long?"

"A year"

"How much did you lose?"

"35 pounds...and that's IT. I lost that in the first 4 months..then nothing. Shall I tell you how much I exercised??? Every day!"

He sat back and crossed his legs...you know, the way that skinny doctors do....actually he was kind of sexy, but that's not the point.

"First of all...calm down. Second of all you definitely should NOT be working out every day. That isn't smart."

"WHAT." I spit at him (spit actually came out at the end there..)

He smiled.

What I thought His smile said "I want to hump your face off."

In actuality what he said was "Cancel your gym membership. Just keep walking. That is the best thing for anyone to do."

"But....but I am working on my gun show..." I pouted and held up an arm.

"I can see that you are, however, what you need to do is concentrate on losing body fat. You CANNOT lose body fat, because you have poisoned your body with carbs and sugar and basically...well...you just screwed up your bodies natural ability to take care of itself. You need to retrain your body."

"Well...Carbs and sugar are the BEST part of almost anything."

"Actually it is the worst. But hey, You are extremely healthy, I am not saying there is anything wrong with your body...But you asked."

I skinnied my eyes at him because I hate it when people are right and I am wrong. Also...at that point, my eyes are the only part of me that I CAN skinny up.

He smiled and leaned forward "Do you take instruction well?"

"That depends on what you are instructing and who you ask."

He waited.

"I want to hear what you have to say." I said with slumped shoulders and un unskinny eye.

And here it is:


#1. Rise with the sun and Eat within 30 minutes of rising, when you eat make sure it is protein based food. Absolutely No fruit or anything with sugar.

#2. Eat only 3 meals a day. Breakfast within 30 minutes of rising, lunch around noon and then dinner. Not too late.

#3. No carbs or sugars that are un natural. (which means no beans, breads, rice ect)

#4. Get lots of sleep

#5. Absolutely no soda of any kind ever. (He thinks it is the devil)


"Try it for a month. Anybody can do ANYTHING for a month. If you don't like it then fine. Commit for a month and lets see."

I left and shortly after had my surgery.

Fast forward to last Saturday. I walked around with Emma and Brandee and Mandy. We were looking at clothes and my mouth was watering.

I saw a navy blue dress that was TO DIE FOR. I would have sold an ovary to have it.
 I looked at it and I saw what hairstyle I would wear, what jewelry that would match and what texture my shoes would have to be to match the ABSOLUTELY devine dress.

"I want it." I growled

Never mind that I was broke. Never mind THAT.

"I want it." I shouted

"I WAAAAAAANT IT" I whined as I looked through the sizes.

They had the size beneath. I snatched it up and took it in with me to try on.

Once inside the changing room, I peeled my clothes off and shoved my hands into the top. "I want it I want it I want it." I chanted in my brain.

I shimmied it over my stomach and looked in the mirror.


                                     Behold.... A navy wrapped behemoth.

The dress stuck to every dimple, roll and tuck that my body had available.

I sighed and imagined that it may work with the help of some properly placed spanx.

But no.

No.

A dress this perfect deserved a body that it could hang upon with absolute perfection.

As we came out of the rooms I hung the dress up on the rejected rack. Emma put her arm around my waist. "Emma....I have to face it. I am just too fat for Fashion."

"OH MY GOD. Stoppit. That is HORRIBLE."

"That is true. I may not be willing to diet for ME, but I sure as HELL can do it for clothes."

And it was set.
I would try the diet for One month and see if there are any changes for me. (Clothes)










Morning 1

I made 3 eggs and SPAM. It was delicious but just felt wrong. My usual breaky is 3 cups of sugared and creamed coffee, which is MORE delicious.

By 9:30 Brandee and I share a Bagel completely oozing in cream cheese.

This morning I had black coffee and meat.

I was fine with it. (for now)

By noon I was still full but was dragging ass.
I was confused!
I had my coffee....was it the SUGAR that filled me up with energy each and every day? I think yes.

I ate my lunch, which was delicious. A salad,  some roast and a baggie of fruit salad as well. It was great and I was full.

By dinner I wanted to eat one of Brandees French fries.

In fact.... I wanted to pick up one of her fries, beam her on the head with it (you know...to stun her) and then completely cover said fry with ketchup before inhaling it into an orifice. (any would do)

I dug into my roast deeper. It was delicious, mind you. But it wasn't full of carbs. Full of soft goodness that my whole entire body and soul LOVES.

I whined, Brandee said "NO!" And then I whined again.

To Be continued.....

(Unless I get my hands on some bread.)

Aweties.

In my profession, I see a lot of Autistic children.

When you deal in boogers, snot and the ABC's... you learn to spot them within a couple of minutes.

I call them Aweties.



" I am 37..so what year was I born?" I asked a new child at our school.

He lifted his eyes up to the sky for about..2 seconds and then answered "1977"

"You're amazing." I whispered. Absolutely in Awe of him and his brain.

"Yeah." He nodded at me and then he sat back. That was the end of our social interaction.

I am assuming he was thinking of something mindblowing.


I have a very serious thought about Autistic Children.
I feel like they are the next phase of Human Being....the next step and we, my friends, are all the "missing links' between THEM and caveman.

I read an article about Steven Wiltshire - an autistic man who can recall minute details of every building as he draws a New York city from memory.

I am amazed at the abilities of Autistic Brains. In this world FULL to the brim of technology, we are all so busy trying to keep up, and the Autistic Brain is already there.

We view the autistic child as the 'special' child who has a disability, but in reality I feel that WE are the ones who cannot think the way that the world will need us too in the future.

Autistic people are usually distant, and are socially inept.

But in the future (and even now) we are becoming desensitized to human connection. We play on our phones, ipads and video games as opposed to connecting with one another in person.

Soccer is played on the X-box as opposed to the back yard.

School, the MOST social place that you can be growing up, is becoming web based.

The "symptoms" of Autism are as follows.

Social communication and interaction

• Fails to respond to his or her name or appears not to hear you at times
• Resists cuddling and holding and seems to prefer playing alone — retreats into his or her own world
• Has poor eye contact and lacks facial expression
• Doesn't speak or has delayed speech, or may lose previous ability to say words or sentences
• Can't start a conversation or keep one going, or may only start a conversation to make requests or label items
• Speaks with an abnormal tone or rhythm — may use a singsong voice or robot-like speech
• May repeat words or phrases verbatim, but doesn't understand how to use them
• Doesn't appear to understand simple questions or directions
• Doesn't express emotions or feelings and appears unaware of others' feelings
• Doesn't point at or bring objects to share interest
• Inappropriately approaches a social interaction by being passive, aggressive or disruptive

I don't know about you all, but THAT sounds like the perfect recipe for a super human who can rule the world and not be bothered with simple hugs and laughter.

THEIR brain is evolved....OURS is retarded.

#nofilter

 

 

I believe in social networking.

I feel like it is a new age religion. People are more loyal and more patient with their technological devices then they are to their own spouses.

You are never without your cell phone.
You poop with it, sleep next to it and use it to take pictures to memorize your lives with it.

Oh My! This is not a judgment! Not in the least.
I myself am included in the Masses.

What would I do without my cell phone? What did I do before I had a smartphone that could log my life for me.

Once upon a time I would snap pictures and wait with baited breath for my film to be processed.
Did I capture good images? Will there be a frame worthy film in the sealed paper package?

There were no filters, or Photoshop or cropping.

No I snap, filter, crop and keep all in the blink of an eye.

I alter the images of my life.

One of my favorite things about the pictures from my youth, are the backgrounds.

 I love to see what cereal is on the counter and what did the coffee pot look like?

Are there dishes in the sink? .....and if so what color were they? Did my grandmother pick them out?
Why was that material over the lamp?

I am a voyeur of my youth. A childhood snoop.


Nowadays you peruse pictures of mostly everyone and find that they are mostly all finely photo shopped.

Carefully snapped, snipped and saved.

I wonder if I am stealing something from future generations of me.


Will they wonder what shade of lipstick I preferred? Or that I loved raisin bran?

Will they wonder what cookie jar decorated my kitchen counter? Or that I have a love affair with old troll dolls that sit in my kitchen window, glaring wickedly from their perch.

Sometimes I think that I will give "going off the grid" a shot, but that idea lasts about as long as it takes between beeps of my phone alerts going off.

Mid-Empty.

There is a certain quiet calm that you feel when you are 35 years old.

(Wait. Am I 35...or 36? Who knows....maybe I am already 37. After I hit 30 it all went down the tubes.)

I have spend the morning reading old love letters, mostly to remind myself that once, I cared about stuff like that.

"See?" I told myself. "You use to be retarded."

At my party last month when I held up my favorite most recommended toy for the single ladies, A woman gasped "Why are you SINGLE?!"

She covered her mouth and gasped into her hand...all very lady like I assure you.

I get this a lot. Especially at my parties.

I took a big gulp of calming breathe and smiled. I Moved on and waved about the previous said vibrator.

"She is single." I heard her whisper to her friend. Like being single is the plague.

I was sweating...EVERYWHERE. The house I was in had NO air conditioner.

My makeup was running and my vagina was practically climbing out of my long skirt so it could get a whiff of fresh air.

I announced to the group of ladies "Yes I am single."
The whispering lady nodded and looked at me with concern. "See!" She nudged her Bestie with an elbow.

"Why are you single?" A 20 year old asked me.

My shoulders slumped. Really?

"My answer to that is why are YOU not."

Her mouth opened wide and she shrieked "I LOOOOVE my boyfriend!"

"Congratulations." I told her, once again holding up the now pulsating toy.

"Aren't you lonely?" She whispered

"I don't have time to be lonely." I said wanting to move forward with my presentation. "I am not lonely, nor do I want someone to pay my bills nor do I want to deal with someone else's bullshit. That's why. Okay? Okay...lets move forward."

At the end of the hot sweaty evening as I was slumping out to my car I felt like an old asshole. It is not their fault that they are retarded. I use to be too.

People who are in relationships view ME the same way that I view THEM.... "You poor bastard."

Right after the sweaty personal probing party I stood inline at the store for some ice tea. I needed to resurge my body and a man stood in line behind me. "Hi." He said  and Without looking up I replied "No." and plunked my ice tea on the counter.

The man walked away and I paid for my refreshment. I fake smiled at the cashier and thought to myself ..."Yup. I'm an asshole."

Last night we were standing in line for MALIFICENT and Emma was laughing at me. "Hey! Pick a mom. You want that one?" I said nodding at an older mom with two incredible stupid children "Or that one?" I said nodding to my right.

"Ummmm. That one!" She said nodding to a man.

I glanced over "awwwww. Emma wants a daddy! Do you want a daddy Emma? I will get you one. DO you want me to find you one?"

She sort of shrugged and smiled a small smile.

Oh. Shit. I think she was serious.

"Oh. Shit. No. I am sorry I cant do that. I can however hug you."

"NO! Im good.!" She laughed holding her handout like I am the fat plague of America.

(Its okay, I am used to it.)

Emma is getting bigger. She is 12 Shane is grown and soon my nest will be empty.

I am kinda freaking out about it. I have thought about plunking another child into my life. HEY! I can still give birth, BUT......That thought lasted as long as my patience did in Chuck E Cheese last night.

As we left the mousey establishment Emma asked me if I would be a cat lady when I am older. "Of course not!" I answered "I HATE cats!"

"Well. I am going to get married and have babies. I will NOT be a cat lady...all after college of course."

"Of course." I said and I hugged her to my body and kept my mouth shut. I am not a TOTAL asshole.

I don't want to ruin my daughters day dream of True Love and happily ever after with my jaded views of Men and putting them on the back burner for your OWN life.

I just gulped my words, considered myself  stellar mom for doing so and smiled at her. With sparkly shiney 'I approve' mom eyes. (Those are a thing. And us good moms can FAKE them.)


No one can tell what the future will bring. Cats? Doubtful... But for right now I will just enjoy my nest as it is. Not Empty YET.....Mid-Empty.