Mid-Empty.

There is a certain quiet calm that you feel when you are 35 years old.

(Wait. Am I 35...or 36? Who knows....maybe I am already 37. After I hit 30 it all went down the tubes.)

I have spend the morning reading old love letters, mostly to remind myself that once, I cared about stuff like that.

"See?" I told myself. "You use to be retarded."

At my party last month when I held up my favorite most recommended toy for the single ladies, A woman gasped "Why are you SINGLE?!"

She covered her mouth and gasped into her hand...all very lady like I assure you.

I get this a lot. Especially at my parties.

I took a big gulp of calming breathe and smiled. I Moved on and waved about the previous said vibrator.

"She is single." I heard her whisper to her friend. Like being single is the plague.

I was sweating...EVERYWHERE. The house I was in had NO air conditioner.

My makeup was running and my vagina was practically climbing out of my long skirt so it could get a whiff of fresh air.

I announced to the group of ladies "Yes I am single."
The whispering lady nodded and looked at me with concern. "See!" She nudged her Bestie with an elbow.

"Why are you single?" A 20 year old asked me.

My shoulders slumped. Really?

"My answer to that is why are YOU not."

Her mouth opened wide and she shrieked "I LOOOOVE my boyfriend!"

"Congratulations." I told her, once again holding up the now pulsating toy.

"Aren't you lonely?" She whispered

"I don't have time to be lonely." I said wanting to move forward with my presentation. "I am not lonely, nor do I want someone to pay my bills nor do I want to deal with someone else's bullshit. That's why. Okay? Okay...lets move forward."

At the end of the hot sweaty evening as I was slumping out to my car I felt like an old asshole. It is not their fault that they are retarded. I use to be too.

People who are in relationships view ME the same way that I view THEM.... "You poor bastard."

Right after the sweaty personal probing party I stood inline at the store for some ice tea. I needed to resurge my body and a man stood in line behind me. "Hi." He said  and Without looking up I replied "No." and plunked my ice tea on the counter.

The man walked away and I paid for my refreshment. I fake smiled at the cashier and thought to myself ..."Yup. I'm an asshole."

Last night we were standing in line for MALIFICENT and Emma was laughing at me. "Hey! Pick a mom. You want that one?" I said nodding at an older mom with two incredible stupid children "Or that one?" I said nodding to my right.

"Ummmm. That one!" She said nodding to a man.

I glanced over "awwwww. Emma wants a daddy! Do you want a daddy Emma? I will get you one. DO you want me to find you one?"

She sort of shrugged and smiled a small smile.

Oh. Shit. I think she was serious.

"Oh. Shit. No. I am sorry I cant do that. I can however hug you."

"NO! Im good.!" She laughed holding her handout like I am the fat plague of America.

(Its okay, I am used to it.)

Emma is getting bigger. She is 12 Shane is grown and soon my nest will be empty.

I am kinda freaking out about it. I have thought about plunking another child into my life. HEY! I can still give birth, BUT......That thought lasted as long as my patience did in Chuck E Cheese last night.

As we left the mousey establishment Emma asked me if I would be a cat lady when I am older. "Of course not!" I answered "I HATE cats!"

"Well. I am going to get married and have babies. I will NOT be a cat lady...all after college of course."

"Of course." I said and I hugged her to my body and kept my mouth shut. I am not a TOTAL asshole.

I don't want to ruin my daughters day dream of True Love and happily ever after with my jaded views of Men and putting them on the back burner for your OWN life.

I just gulped my words, considered myself  stellar mom for doing so and smiled at her. With sparkly shiney 'I approve' mom eyes. (Those are a thing. And us good moms can FAKE them.)


No one can tell what the future will bring. Cats? Doubtful... But for right now I will just enjoy my nest as it is. Not Empty YET.....Mid-Empty.