Too fat for fashion.

 

About 2 months ago....

I sat in my surgeons office whining at him like a bitch.

"Don't EVEN tell me to diet. I HAVE."

"How long?"

"A year"

"How much did you lose?"

"35 pounds...and that's IT. I lost that in the first 4 months..then nothing. Shall I tell you how much I exercised??? Every day!"

He sat back and crossed his legs...you know, the way that skinny doctors do....actually he was kind of sexy, but that's not the point.

"First of all...calm down. Second of all you definitely should NOT be working out every day. That isn't smart."

"WHAT." I spit at him (spit actually came out at the end there..)

He smiled.

What I thought His smile said "I want to hump your face off."

In actuality what he said was "Cancel your gym membership. Just keep walking. That is the best thing for anyone to do."

"But....but I am working on my gun show..." I pouted and held up an arm.

"I can see that you are, however, what you need to do is concentrate on losing body fat. You CANNOT lose body fat, because you have poisoned your body with carbs and sugar and basically...well...you just screwed up your bodies natural ability to take care of itself. You need to retrain your body."

"Well...Carbs and sugar are the BEST part of almost anything."

"Actually it is the worst. But hey, You are extremely healthy, I am not saying there is anything wrong with your body...But you asked."

I skinnied my eyes at him because I hate it when people are right and I am wrong. Also...at that point, my eyes are the only part of me that I CAN skinny up.

He smiled and leaned forward "Do you take instruction well?"

"That depends on what you are instructing and who you ask."

He waited.

"I want to hear what you have to say." I said with slumped shoulders and un unskinny eye.

And here it is:


#1. Rise with the sun and Eat within 30 minutes of rising, when you eat make sure it is protein based food. Absolutely No fruit or anything with sugar.

#2. Eat only 3 meals a day. Breakfast within 30 minutes of rising, lunch around noon and then dinner. Not too late.

#3. No carbs or sugars that are un natural. (which means no beans, breads, rice ect)

#4. Get lots of sleep

#5. Absolutely no soda of any kind ever. (He thinks it is the devil)


"Try it for a month. Anybody can do ANYTHING for a month. If you don't like it then fine. Commit for a month and lets see."

I left and shortly after had my surgery.

Fast forward to last Saturday. I walked around with Emma and Brandee and Mandy. We were looking at clothes and my mouth was watering.

I saw a navy blue dress that was TO DIE FOR. I would have sold an ovary to have it.
 I looked at it and I saw what hairstyle I would wear, what jewelry that would match and what texture my shoes would have to be to match the ABSOLUTELY devine dress.

"I want it." I growled

Never mind that I was broke. Never mind THAT.

"I want it." I shouted

"I WAAAAAAANT IT" I whined as I looked through the sizes.

They had the size beneath. I snatched it up and took it in with me to try on.

Once inside the changing room, I peeled my clothes off and shoved my hands into the top. "I want it I want it I want it." I chanted in my brain.

I shimmied it over my stomach and looked in the mirror.


                                     Behold.... A navy wrapped behemoth.

The dress stuck to every dimple, roll and tuck that my body had available.

I sighed and imagined that it may work with the help of some properly placed spanx.

But no.

No.

A dress this perfect deserved a body that it could hang upon with absolute perfection.

As we came out of the rooms I hung the dress up on the rejected rack. Emma put her arm around my waist. "Emma....I have to face it. I am just too fat for Fashion."

"OH MY GOD. Stoppit. That is HORRIBLE."

"That is true. I may not be willing to diet for ME, but I sure as HELL can do it for clothes."

And it was set.
I would try the diet for One month and see if there are any changes for me. (Clothes)










Morning 1

I made 3 eggs and SPAM. It was delicious but just felt wrong. My usual breaky is 3 cups of sugared and creamed coffee, which is MORE delicious.

By 9:30 Brandee and I share a Bagel completely oozing in cream cheese.

This morning I had black coffee and meat.

I was fine with it. (for now)

By noon I was still full but was dragging ass.
I was confused!
I had my coffee....was it the SUGAR that filled me up with energy each and every day? I think yes.

I ate my lunch, which was delicious. A salad,  some roast and a baggie of fruit salad as well. It was great and I was full.

By dinner I wanted to eat one of Brandees French fries.

In fact.... I wanted to pick up one of her fries, beam her on the head with it (you know...to stun her) and then completely cover said fry with ketchup before inhaling it into an orifice. (any would do)

I dug into my roast deeper. It was delicious, mind you. But it wasn't full of carbs. Full of soft goodness that my whole entire body and soul LOVES.

I whined, Brandee said "NO!" And then I whined again.

To Be continued.....

(Unless I get my hands on some bread.)