A Gay Day...

"Mom, are we going to gay pride this year?" Emma asked while she jumped up and down on my bed.

"Do you WANT to go?" I asked her, putting clothes onto fat plastic hangers.

"YES!"

"Why do you want to go so badly?" I smiled

"Because it's like....love and happiness. Everyone there is so happy. Its like Halloween, but with rainbows."

I laughed and enjoyed her witticism greatly.

"Besides, we have to support the Gay community mom. Brandee and Mandy? Hello!? They are our family."

"Brandee and Mandy only go to Gay Pride day because WE make THEM go."

"Still." she shrugged and chased Karma down the hallway.

So it was a date, and I informed Brandee and Mandy of it later that week.

 Mandy just said "ooOOOhhhkay."

 Brandee said "Sure...waitaminute...are we broke that week? Is that...Is it payday weekend? We're broke every single year at Pride. What are we going to eat? wha...what if we are broke. If we have no money that will suck. I mean....right? Don't you think it will suck?" (Brandee talks a lot)

On the day of Pride I woke up late, and went to my closet du jour to pick out something gay worthy. I decided that my rainbow zebra dress that Mandy and Brandee had bought me for mothers day was perfect.

Emma chose an all black outfit topped with her rainbow tie that she had bout at pride 3 years prior. Mandy taught her how to tie her tie.

We made sandwiches and packed them in a cooler.

The day was gorgeous. Overcast with a crisp feel to the air. We all piled in Mandy's car and headed over. I was excited to see the mass wedding, but we were late-ish.

"Do you think I missed the wedding?" I said antsily from the backseat

"We'll see." came from the front.

"I REEEEEALLY wanted to be a flower girl to the mass gay wedding and chuck flowers at them."

"OoooOOOOoooh" From Mandy

"I wanted to prance and sing too." I mumbled

Brandee laughed and Emma patted my arm.

We parked and got out of the car. There..in the cement were the words HI LORI

I gasped

"What?!" Brandee jumped

"The sidewalk is talking to me." I tried to say this without moving my lips.

"Oh look it does say Hi to you. Lets move." Brandee bossily said.

We walked down the street and pointed to a Victorian house. "That's beautiful!" said Brandee
"That's creepy!" screeched me

Mandy carried the cooler with our sandwiches and Emma ran off to climb the play structure, because us old people walked too slow.

As we approached the Park, we saw rainbow curtains hanging off of the Dome. And a huge white tent. "I missed the wedding! The mass wedding of Gays! I miiiiiiiissed it!"

"Well Beanie, we are late so....Let's eat!" Brandee walked up ahead of us on a small hill. We met her at the top and surveyed the people.

"It looks empty." I pouted. But there WAS a girl swinging rainbow socks.

"Well." Stated Brandee, as she sat down on the cement."I'm hungry...im huuuuungry. Can I have my sandwhich?"

As we ate our lunch, perched ontop of the same hill we always eat on, we people watched. We saw rainbow tails on some people and cute Pride t-shirts on others. We took turns saying "I want that one."
"I want that one."

"I like that one."

I saw a fluffly lady (And by fluffy I mean fat) wearing an entire leopard skin tight jumpsuit. I could see ripples and bumps. I could not help it.

Now don't get me wrong. I am a huge fat people supporter as well as gay people supporter. I am however NOT a fan of leopard stretched over all of it.

We all stared as she walked by (Except Emma. She is too polite)

"Where's my camera" I whispered.

"why?" Brandee wrinkled her nose at me. "You are NOT going to take a picture of that."

"I am I AM! I want to snap a picture, send it to Juan and tell him I'm wearing that to work on Monday." This made me laugh manically.

 I love making myself laugh....ahhhh. It is the BEST thing ever. (besides sex)

I pictured that he would open up the attachment and immediately drop his phone, wipe his hands onto his wife, who would instantly smack him in his greying head. The thought of Wife beating him...makes me happy...

But alas. The rumply buttocks walked away before I could capture it on film. I pouted for a minute before sinking my teeth in for another bite of turkey and avocado sandwich.
Soon enough lunch was done, Emma wanted to explore the booths and games and Brandee turned into Gay Girl...

 

After that, Brandee and Mandy walked slowly, holding hands.
 It was cute.

It had just started to sprinkle when I noticed cute rainbow bubbled floating across a sign. THE RAINBOW PAGES....I head over.

"Hello" I smile and curiously look over the table. "Can you tell me what your business is about?"

"Sure! We are pretty much like the yellow pages, but each and every business and company are LGBT Friendly."

"That is awesome! Are the businesses in this book run by someone who is a part of the LGBT community?"

"Noooo." He laughs "They are just friendly twords our community and value us as customers and community members"

"I see. Are there any preschools in your book?"

"Actually no, unfortunately not yet."

"Ahhh. Well WE value the LGBT money...er members. Can you tell me how to get in that rainbow book, how much it is and may I have one to show my beast...er boss?"

"Of course!"

As cards were being exchanged, Brandee comes up behind me "BEANIE! We were dancing in the rain and YOU MISSED IT."

The light sprinkle then turned to light rain.



We headed over to the HRC (Human Rights Campaign)
"Hello!" I said. I feel like the HRC and I are BFF's since they show up in my facebook feed each and every day.
"Hello!" They said back. Just as cheery. "Are you members of HRC?"

"We're not" Brandee stated "But she is" she nodded twords me and stepped back. I am so happy to be surrounded by a cause that I wholeheartedly support.

And that is when I see.....THIS:

"I love this and I want this. It is the cutest thing EVER."

The man laughed and we chatted back and forth. By this time the light rain had turned into a light MONSOON.

"Um." Brandee murmured

"Um." I murmered

"Uh." Mandy stated

"Lets go over twords that flag!" Emma yelled

At that moment the light monsoon turned into a heavy one and while Emma stood at a table admiring rainbow bracelets and stickers, Mandy provided us with somewhat of a shelter...

I took my phone out of my damp purse and screamed above the downpour..."I NEED TO CAPTURE MEMORIES!!!"
Everyone complied....

 

 

 

 

 

 

 "HERE HERE COME OUT OF THE RAIN!" we hear from the left of us. We all ran beneath a tent , the whole time I was trying to hide my phone in folds of fat to keep it dry-ish

Under the tent we found the gay Braveheart. He was bejeweled. He wore a kilt. I loved him.

I looked at the table, picked up a flyer and shoved it into his hand. "Can I take your picture with your holding this while the monsoon rains on all of the gays?"

"Sure!"

 

After exactly 1 minute, Emma shivering and the rain just pouring down even harder, we decided that it was time to give up the ghost, and run the 3 blocks back to the car.

We put our cellular devices into the cooler and headed out into the rain.

Brandee and I slipped all over and screamed. Mandy just made a bee line and Emma insisted that she carry the cooler because "If Mandy carried it all the way there, she shouldn't have to carry it back."

"Whatever." Brandee and I both shrugged "As long as we don't have to carry it.

About a block into the walk we ran into rain twerkers. It made me happy, but my mascara was running into my eyeballs by then. I shouted to Brandee "Do I look pretty?" She laughed and kept moving.

About a block and a half into the walk we were soaked to our vaginas and Brandee turned to me and stomped her foot. She held a sopping wet sheet over her head that was once our shelter, but now just dripped onto Brandees already soaking shirt.

I laughed so hard at her that I snotted, but no one noticed because the rain washed it away and then came back and bitch slapped me for the hell of it.

"This is YOUR FAULT!" Brandee stomped her foot. "YOU MADE US SUPPORT THE GAYS!"

"You are horrible." I grumbled

"I am NOT. I AM WET!"

"You should support your gays"

"NO. I should be DRY! Mandyyyyyyyyy Beanie made us support the gays and now we are weeeeet!"

"MANDYYYYYY Brandy is whining at me!"

"MANDYYYYY My feeeeeet are slippingggggg everywhere...and....wait...why is she walking so fast."

"Because you guys are whining. Don't whine. Im outta here too!" And Emma ran to catch up with Mandy.

We walked in silence for a few seconds, trying to dodge the huge puddles.

"Brandeeeeee my feet are soaked."

"Beaaaaaanie I can't walk fast enough."

"Why did Mandy leave us."

"She is mean."

"I love you only."

Finally we got to the car. Brandee and I sounded like two whiney bitches while Mandy unlocked the car. I took out her ARMY hat and plopped it on my head.

"Im COOOOOOOLD!" Brandee and I both said.

"Working on it." Mandy muttered while her fingers were busy pushing heating controls.

We drove and Brandee shivered."Im cold."

We drove and Emma sang.

We drove and I muttered "I missed the gay mass wedding."

"You both are a bunch of whiney bitches." Mandy stated. While she tried to get the heat vents to point at us.

I believe she was turning it on SO high so that the hot air would go into our mouths and shut them up, but...whatever.

Emma laughed.

Brandee and I pouted.

When we got to Brandees house we ran inside and Mandy threw clothes at me.

I smiled."I love you only." I whispered to her

"I love you too."

We spent the rest of the day on the couch, snuggeled in our jammies listening to the rain and watching movie.

I may not have been there for the mass gay wedding, but I ended my Gay Day with my two very favorite ones in the whole world.

I pissed my pants today....

It was the end of the day.

I had just came into the twos room at work and surveyed the damage.
Not bad. Soft rainbow colored rings scattered the floor and clear bouncy balls littered there as well.

I walked amongst the children and picked up a clipboard. As I was checking children off, movement caught my attention.

It was Nico.

He was sitting in a chair, quite quietly...QUITE well behaved. I watched him for a moment and said across the room. "Nico. Come gimmie a squish."

"No." He muttered. His body tensing slightly.

"Nico...I can't hear you....come closer." I whispered, holding my hand up to my ear.

He laughed "No Mrs. Beanie, you'll get me."

Dammit. After a year of using that excuse, someone caught on.

"Gimmie a SQUISH!" I hollered now.

He giggled and stood up.

This was all a game you see. One that has happened every day since I fell in love with his fat squishy cheeks and his attitude.

"Gimmie a squish or Ill eat your entire face off." I whispered

And off he went. Running around the room, which was always ALWAYS off limits.
I took off after him like a shot growling and snorting and shouting "I will chew your cheeks!"

"No!" He giggled

"I will bite off your nose and poop it out and give you a poop nose!"

He paused to laugh hard, fart twice and then he was off again "You cannot catch me!"
He was right......I'm old.

I'm old AND I'm fat.

But I don't give up. I chased him and chased him and figured that he had an unfair advantage over me. He was 33 years younger and so in my mind, I deserved to use whatever means necessary to get my squish.

While running and hoping over various toys (and children) that were in my way, I leaned down and scooped up an armful of soft squishy rainbow rings.

(In my mind, I looked uber cool. Like a preschool matrix bitch. But instead of a black leather jacket flapping behind me, there was an apron.)

"AHA!" I stomped, planted my feet and frisbee'd  all 7 rings across the room. All 7 hit my target. "I got you I got you!"

I screamed. "I'm practically JUST like THOR!"
I hopped.
I looked around for witnesses, since I am the worlds WORSE target maker in the world. No matter what it is. The garbage....Juans head....I ALWAYS MISS.

"Nu-uh!" He giggled and took off running again "You did not get me!"

"I did I did!" I insisted and picked up three balls. I tossed them across the room and two of them landed.

"I did get you!" I stomped my foot and laughed so hard....that I pissed my pants.

It was then that I noticed Nicos dad leaning against the door. I stood up quickly, swiped back the hair that was flying around my sweaty face and approached him calmly.

He smiled shook his head and looked at his son "Nico!.....you couldn't even DUCK?"

He giggled "Hiiiii dad!" he ran to him, keeping his distance from my grasp.

"You gatta DUCK son. You know? Ducking?"

"This was not my fault." I insisted

"Mmmhmmm"

"So um. If Nico throws things in class tomorrow and gets in trouble, I just want you to know I'm blaming someone else."

He smiled. Coming from the teacher that had to approach him in the past about
1) Hanging his son from a tree
2) His son peeing in a bush when he was potty training
3) The time that Nico thought peeing in the bush meant pooping there as well.

I don't think he was too surprised. But as he walked away with Nico, I could hear him giving him tips on the age old art form of ducking.

A week home.

This is my disclaimer. Although I have not had to take a pain pill in more then 24 hours, The drugs still coarse through my body.
I've decided that Hydrocodone loves me and I love it. Especially when my mouth has hurt as bad as it has. Unfortunately it is refusing to leave my body. (probably because I am so fluffy and pink.)
And so I ramble here for you to read.
I will probably spell things the wrong way, but in my muddled brain I NEED to tell you, all of the important things that I have learned while being home for a week, bed ridden with ice stuffed in my face and Karma curled at my feet.

#1. Shane is a good boy.
Now I know most mommy's love their sons, but mine is above amazing. When my face started hurting me it did so IMMENSLY. The pain was not kidding. It was in fact making me its bitch.

At first I did all of the things that I usually do when mouth pain occurs. Rinsed with salt water, applied ice, took some ibuprophen...
Nothing helped.
I am not one to ask for help, nor do I cry easily. Especially in front of my children. Emma was safely tucked away softly snoring during my episode. SO that is good.
Unfortunately Shane heard me crying.
He tried to warm up my heating pad, he searched the internet for 24 hour dentists, he ran a bath for me and put me into it.
Finally while I was scooping hot water over my face he called brandee.
I wasn't even aware of this, I was too busy crying and splashing I guess.

"Mom get dressed. brandee is coming." were the sweetest words ever.

#2. Brandee is a good girl.

During a moment of sheer panic, when I realized that I NEEDED to go the emergency room. I stood in my room and moaned to myself :
....FUCK. I'm alone. I don't have anyone to take me anywhere! And then I kind of freaked out, practiced my labor breathing and tried to decide what to do.
Soon enough, brandee and Mandy showed up and whisked me off to the hospital.

You know those friends of yours, who are completely selfless?

 Hug them. Buy them a mocha...or even better a vodka. Because they are the ones holding your hand at 2am while you wait with the masses for help. DESPITE having to work the next day, despite already taking their sleeping medicine.
Brandee held my hand and smiled at me, when I was so much in pain. She rubbed my back and supplied numbers because I couldn't remember any. And the most important? She filled my shoes and taught my class, all week.

On the way home, after taking some meds I guess I called her a Chippewa princess.

High praise indeed.

#3. Karma is fat

Or at least she is now, after sleeping in bed, curled up against me for a week, and eating weird concoctions that I gave to her. Like a hot dog/cereal bowl that I presented to her with a flourish. I hadn't made it to the store as of Wednesday, and while I sincerely doubt that she appreciated the fact that I made sure her hotdogs were served to her in the shape of a heart, she ate it with gusto.

After I did make it to the store, I fed her too hearty portions because I felt so bad about the alfredo bacon and the hotdog cereal.

#4. I didn't sing for a week

I always sing. Like always and forever. I sing when I'm happy, I sing when I'm sad. If I'm stressed out I sing 'Valerie'. If I think someone is grumpy(And I like them) I will sing them a song of grumpydom. to ungrump them. (It usually works)

But I didn't sing for an entire week. It made my soul sad, although I am sure the pain meds helped to dull the sadness. I knew that I was feeling better when Emma caught me singing tonight.

The song?

"Karma is my hot dog pooper scooper."

....Don't judge me.

#5. Dentists are weird but amazing.

When I showed up at my dentists office, clutching my miniature Chewbacca that the beast had got me, Mr. Dentist smiled at me when he opened the door.

"Hello Laureen."

"Hello. Say hi to Chewy." I demanded. Holding up my baby Chewbacca.

"Hello Chewy." My dentist laughed and shook his head. (A lot of people shake their heads at me. I have yet to figure out why that is.)

"Well sit here on your throne and tell me what is bothering you."

"My whole entire mouth." I handed him the paperwork from the ER and presented him with my prescriptions. "Here are these. Here are the times I have taken them." I passed him another paper.

"Okay. Lets recline you and see what's happening in there." He put down the papers and pushed a magic button to tilt my head back.

"Open please."

I opened. He inserted his round, cold mirror thingy in my mouth and started tapping.

"Ineedchewwwy I needchewwy!" I said around his tools.

He removed the tools and sat back. "Chewy?"

"Yes. I need him. He is in my purse. Can you get him?"

He did. and resumed his investigation into my mouth. "We need to pull this tooth."
I moaned.
He gave me shots in my mouth and my hands started shaking.
My chin was shaking. My everything was shaking.

He sat next to me and put his arm over mine. "You are just having a reaction. Lets talk about River Monsters."
I nodded, we did and it calmed me.

He ended up pulling a molar, all the while I stroked chewy and squeezed his little furry neck.
After he was done, he sewed me up and handed me a mirror. "You wanna look?"

"NO!" I screeched

"Why not?"

"Cuz its ugly!" I exclaimed

"Bullshit. You are a beautiful women, and that is a beautiful clot."

I just stared at him. "Huh?"
Then I started laughing, my mouth and chin numb, drool leaking out from between my lips. "That is the weirdest thing ANYONE has ever said to me."
He laughed, walked me to the door and wiped my chin. "Well it is."

#6. Liquid diets suck ass

I'm sick of soup. At first it was delicious, but now I want to eat something substantial. Karma agreed with me that Ice-cream is just frozen liquid, so yesterday that became part of my liquid diet. (And by agree with me I mean she blinked when I told her blinking is dog sign language for yes)


#7. Vicodine leads to not pooping.

About Wednesday I vaguely recall Brandee telling me to take stool softeners. At least I think it was Wednesday. All I could do was nod at her and blink, because my brain had shut off due to the cream of mushroom soup/vicodine diet I had been on.

Tonight I declared to my very uninterested children "I haven't pooped." I had just realized it.

Then "I'm ganna try to poop."

Then "I'm going to the store for poop medicine."

Emma just sighed "Mom. we get it. Stop saying poop."

"Poop poop poop!" I shouted as I walked out the door.

As I pulled up to Walgreens I was approached immediately. "Maam Do you have any change?"

"Sorry. All of my change is going twords poop medicine." I said as I walked into the doors.

When I came back out, poop medicine clutched in my fist. He approached me again. "There was a man looking in your car. I scared him away."

I looked at him. My eyes skinnied up. Is this a new approach? I am well known to yell at men who beg from women around the West. "FINE! You can either have 50 cents or 2 poop pills. But that's it buddy. My boss is a beast and pays me in quarters."

"Nono. Its okay." He walked away looking scared. I sighed. How sad.


#8. The week flies by when your sleeping.

I have watched 30 episodes of UGLY BETTY and and halfway through season 2 of MONK. But regardless when Shane gleefully said "IT'S FRIDAYYYYY!" This morning, my response was "It is?!" I have slept the week away, falling asleep mid BETTY and waking up at 4am to run into the kitchen for my next dose of antibiotic.
The only notice of days passing was me asking Brandee "was work okay?" And her answering "Work is fine honey. You need to get better. We are all fine."
I asked her every day.

I miss work. I miss not wearing the same animal print nighty every day and wearing makeup. My face is washed out. Yesterday I almost slapped on some red lipstick for the hell of it. Karma didn't blink when I asked her, so I passed on that Idea.

I miss walking every morning, and even the gym. I cannot wait to be 100% again. At least tonight when I fall asleep again, I will know this: I have beautiful clots. How many people can say that?