A week home.

This is my disclaimer. Although I have not had to take a pain pill in more then 24 hours, The drugs still coarse through my body.
I've decided that Hydrocodone loves me and I love it. Especially when my mouth has hurt as bad as it has. Unfortunately it is refusing to leave my body. (probably because I am so fluffy and pink.)
And so I ramble here for you to read.
I will probably spell things the wrong way, but in my muddled brain I NEED to tell you, all of the important things that I have learned while being home for a week, bed ridden with ice stuffed in my face and Karma curled at my feet.

#1. Shane is a good boy.
Now I know most mommy's love their sons, but mine is above amazing. When my face started hurting me it did so IMMENSLY. The pain was not kidding. It was in fact making me its bitch.

At first I did all of the things that I usually do when mouth pain occurs. Rinsed with salt water, applied ice, took some ibuprophen...
Nothing helped.
I am not one to ask for help, nor do I cry easily. Especially in front of my children. Emma was safely tucked away softly snoring during my episode. SO that is good.
Unfortunately Shane heard me crying.
He tried to warm up my heating pad, he searched the internet for 24 hour dentists, he ran a bath for me and put me into it.
Finally while I was scooping hot water over my face he called brandee.
I wasn't even aware of this, I was too busy crying and splashing I guess.

"Mom get dressed. brandee is coming." were the sweetest words ever.

#2. Brandee is a good girl.

During a moment of sheer panic, when I realized that I NEEDED to go the emergency room. I stood in my room and moaned to myself :
....FUCK. I'm alone. I don't have anyone to take me anywhere! And then I kind of freaked out, practiced my labor breathing and tried to decide what to do.
Soon enough, brandee and Mandy showed up and whisked me off to the hospital.

You know those friends of yours, who are completely selfless?

 Hug them. Buy them a mocha...or even better a vodka. Because they are the ones holding your hand at 2am while you wait with the masses for help. DESPITE having to work the next day, despite already taking their sleeping medicine.
Brandee held my hand and smiled at me, when I was so much in pain. She rubbed my back and supplied numbers because I couldn't remember any. And the most important? She filled my shoes and taught my class, all week.

On the way home, after taking some meds I guess I called her a Chippewa princess.

High praise indeed.

#3. Karma is fat

Or at least she is now, after sleeping in bed, curled up against me for a week, and eating weird concoctions that I gave to her. Like a hot dog/cereal bowl that I presented to her with a flourish. I hadn't made it to the store as of Wednesday, and while I sincerely doubt that she appreciated the fact that I made sure her hotdogs were served to her in the shape of a heart, she ate it with gusto.

After I did make it to the store, I fed her too hearty portions because I felt so bad about the alfredo bacon and the hotdog cereal.

#4. I didn't sing for a week

I always sing. Like always and forever. I sing when I'm happy, I sing when I'm sad. If I'm stressed out I sing 'Valerie'. If I think someone is grumpy(And I like them) I will sing them a song of grumpydom. to ungrump them. (It usually works)

But I didn't sing for an entire week. It made my soul sad, although I am sure the pain meds helped to dull the sadness. I knew that I was feeling better when Emma caught me singing tonight.

The song?

"Karma is my hot dog pooper scooper."

....Don't judge me.

#5. Dentists are weird but amazing.

When I showed up at my dentists office, clutching my miniature Chewbacca that the beast had got me, Mr. Dentist smiled at me when he opened the door.

"Hello Laureen."

"Hello. Say hi to Chewy." I demanded. Holding up my baby Chewbacca.

"Hello Chewy." My dentist laughed and shook his head. (A lot of people shake their heads at me. I have yet to figure out why that is.)

"Well sit here on your throne and tell me what is bothering you."

"My whole entire mouth." I handed him the paperwork from the ER and presented him with my prescriptions. "Here are these. Here are the times I have taken them." I passed him another paper.

"Okay. Lets recline you and see what's happening in there." He put down the papers and pushed a magic button to tilt my head back.

"Open please."

I opened. He inserted his round, cold mirror thingy in my mouth and started tapping.

"Ineedchewwwy I needchewwy!" I said around his tools.

He removed the tools and sat back. "Chewy?"

"Yes. I need him. He is in my purse. Can you get him?"

He did. and resumed his investigation into my mouth. "We need to pull this tooth."
I moaned.
He gave me shots in my mouth and my hands started shaking.
My chin was shaking. My everything was shaking.

He sat next to me and put his arm over mine. "You are just having a reaction. Lets talk about River Monsters."
I nodded, we did and it calmed me.

He ended up pulling a molar, all the while I stroked chewy and squeezed his little furry neck.
After he was done, he sewed me up and handed me a mirror. "You wanna look?"

"NO!" I screeched

"Why not?"

"Cuz its ugly!" I exclaimed

"Bullshit. You are a beautiful women, and that is a beautiful clot."

I just stared at him. "Huh?"
Then I started laughing, my mouth and chin numb, drool leaking out from between my lips. "That is the weirdest thing ANYONE has ever said to me."
He laughed, walked me to the door and wiped my chin. "Well it is."

#6. Liquid diets suck ass

I'm sick of soup. At first it was delicious, but now I want to eat something substantial. Karma agreed with me that Ice-cream is just frozen liquid, so yesterday that became part of my liquid diet. (And by agree with me I mean she blinked when I told her blinking is dog sign language for yes)


#7. Vicodine leads to not pooping.

About Wednesday I vaguely recall Brandee telling me to take stool softeners. At least I think it was Wednesday. All I could do was nod at her and blink, because my brain had shut off due to the cream of mushroom soup/vicodine diet I had been on.

Tonight I declared to my very uninterested children "I haven't pooped." I had just realized it.

Then "I'm ganna try to poop."

Then "I'm going to the store for poop medicine."

Emma just sighed "Mom. we get it. Stop saying poop."

"Poop poop poop!" I shouted as I walked out the door.

As I pulled up to Walgreens I was approached immediately. "Maam Do you have any change?"

"Sorry. All of my change is going twords poop medicine." I said as I walked into the doors.

When I came back out, poop medicine clutched in my fist. He approached me again. "There was a man looking in your car. I scared him away."

I looked at him. My eyes skinnied up. Is this a new approach? I am well known to yell at men who beg from women around the West. "FINE! You can either have 50 cents or 2 poop pills. But that's it buddy. My boss is a beast and pays me in quarters."

"Nono. Its okay." He walked away looking scared. I sighed. How sad.


#8. The week flies by when your sleeping.

I have watched 30 episodes of UGLY BETTY and and halfway through season 2 of MONK. But regardless when Shane gleefully said "IT'S FRIDAYYYYY!" This morning, my response was "It is?!" I have slept the week away, falling asleep mid BETTY and waking up at 4am to run into the kitchen for my next dose of antibiotic.
The only notice of days passing was me asking Brandee "was work okay?" And her answering "Work is fine honey. You need to get better. We are all fine."
I asked her every day.

I miss work. I miss not wearing the same animal print nighty every day and wearing makeup. My face is washed out. Yesterday I almost slapped on some red lipstick for the hell of it. Karma didn't blink when I asked her, so I passed on that Idea.

I miss walking every morning, and even the gym. I cannot wait to be 100% again. At least tonight when I fall asleep again, I will know this: I have beautiful clots. How many people can say that?