Porn Ass.

When my sister lived with me, I loved it.

Not only was she holding down the fort while I ventured into the world and figured out how to be a single mom, a student AND a teacher...But she walked me to my very first day of class, (and refused to leave until she absolutely had too) .....she also welcomed me home each night with a huge pot of coffee and a talk.

OH how we laughed, snorted and gasped with each other.

It was during one of our 'talks' that we found ourselves discussing porn stars ass holes.

Meaning, we HAD to find out why in the world their assholes were prefect and pink and ours were....well....not.

"What the hell. That's not normal right?" I questioned

"Oh HELL no...they do something to their assholes. That shit is bleached or something." My sister scoffed

So we researched it. I asked all of my friends at work about THEIR assholes, and FINALLY we decided that we were going to have a set of our very own perfectly pink porn assholes.

We found a site that SOLD asshole bleaching kits, but sadly...we were broke.

(NO....They didn't call it 'asshole bleaching', but SERIOUSLY saying the word asshole, just brings a smile to my heart.)

We then researched the ingredients, and set out to find our very own generic version at Walmart.

Which...we did. It was seriously 3 bucks.

We felt like friggen asshole geniuses...we also KNEW the cashier KNEW just what we were doing.

This cream from walmart was actually something else...scar dimminisher or something....But still..The ingredients were the same.

We rang up, and all the way home we sang songs. "OOOOH our assholes will be pink and pretty, pink and pretty, pink and pretty...our assholes will be pink and pretty JUST LIKE THE PORN STARSSSS!"

We giggled and debated who would go first.

Cyn did. (of course)

Then I did.

Wanna know if we have porn star assholes?

The answer is no, cuz we shmeared it on once, and never throught about it again.


Which leads me to Tuesday morning.

I was illegally talking on the phone during my morning commute to work. I had my sister on speaker while she ranted and raved about her husband blowing up her computer with porn.

I just smiled and shook my head while she talked.

I drove around a corner, laughing maniacally at her vicious rant. "I swear to GOD. If I was 5'8" tall, had HUGE fake tits and a porn star ass my husband would fuck me more!!!"

I almost pee'd my pants.

I had to press my knees together, which, while you are driving is reeeeeally hard.

My laughter made her laugh...."remember...remember our porn ass?" I snorted and wiped the drool off of my bellspalsy cheek.


"YES!" *silence* "Fuck porn ass."

That made me laugh even harder.

We ended our conversation, and her laughter still echoed in my heart.

Our Gramma used to always tell us "You girls remember, all you have is each other. You can fight. But you better make up. You're all you got."

Porn ass and all.

Tales of a day..1

I wish I didn't have to wash pee sheets, like ONCE a week. Just ONE day that someone doesn't pee their bed, and I would be a happy teacher.

My hands are covered in gloves. "Uh...Miss.Beanie...I'm SOAKED."

*sigh* "It's okay...Here's some clothes." I take the bed strip the sheet and disinfect, while I hear behind me "I'M WET!"

I wanna bite all the bed pee'ers...maybe then they would be too terrified to pee, but alas....That would get me fired.

I had a child tell his mom "Miss.Beanie won't let me pee. THAT'S why I pee the bed."

I wanted to shank him. SHANK his little body. "Um...Your child can pee whenever he likes, the door is open AND he pee's at least 5 times between lunch and nap. Your child is a liarpants, he should be punished."

********************

I had to tell a child today "STOP saying 'In the butt in the butt in the butt' please before I call child welfare on your parents." (WHO has to say that in their daily life?...Me and Mindy that's who)

********************

"Why are you fat?"

"Why are you white? Cuz God made me this way....that and I eat pie....but that is besides the point. Don't you wish YOU could be as fluff-o-rific as me?"

"Yes I do."

"Next time you go to Burger king, order the pie... It'll be 'aight kid."

*********************




"Beanie...Why you do you always draw hearts on my notes home?"

"Because I love you."


"Oh....I Like your hair."

"Thanks..I like your nostrils."

"Thanks."

********************

"What in the world is going on over here?"

"I'm Building a bridge."


"WHY do YOU get to build a bridge, when all of the other children have to sit down at the table?"

"Because I just HAVE too!"


"That's a pretty great bridge."

"Thanks."

"Build away, I'll cover you."

***********************

Change Happens...

"Miss Beanie! Ayden heard you were ganna be my teacher, and not his, so he PUNCHED me in the nose!"

"WHAT!?" I looked at Ayden cradled in his daddies arms "Did you seriously punch her in the nose Ayden?!"

He nodded shyly, tucking his face against his daddies chest.

"I am still your teacher Ayden....I am just in your sisters class in the evenings."

He nodded. That seemed to be except able to him.


Uh Oh....

Last week I was asked to take over School age in the evenings. A feat that, challenges me and excites me. I now have TWO classrooms.

I immediately took my bosses news (that I was to have my full hours and revamp school age) and RAN with it. Anything that gets me 8 hours....I like just fine.

In the morning I run my Pre-K and at 2:45, I am in schoolage. Wheew. I cleaned and rearranged, cussed and threw fits over the absolute MESS that I found in that room.

I was absolutely APPALLED at the children running around, wasting art supplies (They were painting on the bare wood) Opening the locked teacher cabinet, fighting, yelling.....OHMYGOD.

Am I over my head?

I don't know if i can do this!

What am I doing!?

The first day I cleaned, re-arranged and readied my class. When the children walked in they threw their backpacks on the ground, and tossed their jackets on the tables.

"Um...Yeah, I don't think so. Hang it up right or I WILL throw these away. My classroom is not a trash can." I had the big black trash bag at the ready.....They hurried to pick it up.

I stood at the table and asked each child "Do you have homework?"

"No."


"Okay I will write your parents a note letting them know that you have said you have no homework, and if this becomes an issue, I WILL call your teacher."

"I mean yes....I forgot."

"Okay, that happens sometimes." And I filled out my homework log.

My tummy fluttered a bit, I seriously had no Idea what I was doing. I figured my best bet was to treat them like I do when I get a new class. One that doesn't knows the rules and thinks they can run around crazy....So yeah...treat 'em like 4 year olds...that was my plan.

I stood in front of the class as they sat down to eat their snack, and explained my rules.

It's simple. I am a nice teacher. I am fun. I love giving squishes. If you want to use your nose to paint..I'm all for it...BUT you will respect my classroom. You will be kind to EVERYONE and you will ask my permission for EVERYTHING.

They all nodded, I saw one smile at another sneakily. I didn't say a word.

The previous teachers would make the children write 100 sentences if they did something wrong.
Negative.
If my child had to do that I'd be PISSED.

A girl was being mean to another I pulled her aside. "I know I know...I'm getting my paper..." She groaned at me.

"No. No sentences."


"NO SENTENCES?!" She grinned and looked over at her friends.

"Nope. Writing isn't punishment. It is a beautiful way to express yourself...No..you sit over there. Just sit there until your body is calm, and then come and see me." She sat.
And sat.

And sat.

And finally walked over to me "Im BORED Miss.Beanie."

I looked at her.."I want you to know that there is no room in MY class for mean or cruel children. If you feel the need to be mean, You walk away. You go sit...Take a breather. It is ABSOLUTELY intolerable for you to be rude, do you understand me?"

"Yes Miss.Beanie"

"Alright. You want to be mean or cruel you come talk to me. I protect this class and the children in it. Including yourself. Now..go apologize and tell her something beautiful about her outfit."

"Yes Miss.Beanie." And off she went.

"MISS.BEANIE!!! I HAD THIS FIRST AND SHE TOOK IT!!!"

"Don't yell at me." I replied


The child blinked their eyes at me "HUH?"


"I can hear you just fine, please lower your tone...now what is the problem?"

The other child ran up to us "She wont share!"

I looked at the child, grief was all over her face at the last baby doll that she wanted.

"She doesn't have to share."

"HUH?!" they both asked.


"If Harmke has the doll, then she is playing with it. Harmke, when you are done with the doll, will you please give it to Jayda?"

"umm..sure!" And off they went. Yes. I don't believe in sharing until you are ready to share. Sue me.

A child walked out of the bathroom, and I approached him "What are you doing?"

"Uh...I just went pee!"

"Did I TELL you that you can go pee?"

"Ummmm no."

"You need to ask my permission to use the restroom. I am to know where you are, every moment that you are signed into my classroom"

"Yes Miss. Beanie."

I know it sounds mean. But the classroom was out of control. The kids had absolutely no respect for the teachers or the classroom.

Fast forward to today. The children walked in, They got out their homework.
They washed their hands and sat down to snack, chatting in normal tones.

I had three different art stations out for them, the excitedly kept asking "Miss Beanie! Can I make a Tiki Face?!"

And I would reply "Of COURSE you can! I love all of my artists."

They made Tiki Faces, and valentines and little tiny bodies with big ole bobble heads, that made me giggle so they ALL made them.

When I can back from my break, The teacher who gave it to me (And USED to be the teacher in that room) said to me "Beanie, i'd love to know your trick."


"Whaddya mean?"

"I can't believe these kids! I want to know what you are doing? they all just ran around the room cleaning for you....I don't get it."

I just shrugged....

"Miss.Beanie can I use the restroom please?"

"Miss. Beanie, may I play Mancala please?"

"Miss.Beanie, may I play in the block area?"

Yeah....So far so good. But like I told my boss...Ask me how it's going on Friday.