Douchebook.

I love Facebook. Hey I get that shit on my phone, and any spare second I have, I eagerly scroll through the updates.
I love that instant connection with friends and loved ones.

I do have my pet peeves status updates though. I shall share with you all....

FB Pet Peeve #1 The always unhappy, sick or generally grumpy ones.

EXAMPLE:

"Can anyone tell me why I woke up today?"

8 hours ago 

"Ugh....This day sucks."

6 hours ago

"Seriously? Work was horrible."

4 hours ago

"Ugh..Morning already? I just know it's going down hill from here."

just now

I can't stand these ones. they just MIGHT be THE douchey-est updates on the planet. I really want to reply "Good God get a rope already " But I don't... because Lord knows their next update will be:

"Ugh...the rope broke"

FB Pet Peeve #2 Rub my nose in it.

These ones are the bitches and assholes who constantly rub my nose in the fact that I am broke and they are not.

Yay! Im so happy that the recession does not apply to you, and I dont want to hear how your husband has to work one free day a month when he brings home 5 grand.

Fuck you.

I'm working all day, schooling at night and generally busting my ass. Plus I just used dishsoap in my laundry machine because I'm too exhausted to go to the store, and even IF I did drag my hump to the store, I doubt I could afford Gain, and I'd have to buy the Mexican shit with the seal on it.... you know.... 80 lbs for $3.00

No I do not get pissed off when EVERYONE buy's a new JetSkii...Just the ones who sit on their ass all day OR shop daily at Pier 1.

Fuck you one more time, because Im jelous that you can do that at all.


FB Pet Peeve #3 Attention whores

Not all attention whores mind you. Just the ones who post updates that MAKE you ask them what's wrong.

EXAMPLE:

"I'm so sad, when will this end?"

8 hours ago 

"Seriously?? Did that JUST happen?"

5 hours ago

"Wondering what to do now....My life feels empty without you."

23 minutes ago

Really?!!! Fuck You.

You KNOW you post that update and just WAIT for someone to ask what is wrong with you.

If you picked up the phone/sat on the computer, pulled up your facebook, sat there and thought "I am going to tell the world my business..but first they must ask...." Just fucking say it. We are busy people. And half of your friends are asking because they feel they have too.

These are the kind of people that can be in Disneyland and complain about the lines. YOU frustrate me. Dig yourself out of the perpetual funk you're in and masturbate a little.

It has been proven that a little slap and tickle (even if its by your own hand) is good for your general happiness.

FB Pet peeve #4  I am an adult but I speak like an uneducated douche bag.
EXAMPLE:

"U n0 I can C U frm here."

"Dis is the place to be"

"T0day is 4 winn3rs."

Really? You spent that much time HUNTING around your keypad JUST to use a zero in the place of an O. Or Dis...DIS??? What are we all black 13 year olds now? YOU are a douchebag, and the worst part is you spell like a dumbass too. You are 30. Grow up and write like it.

These are a few of my pet peeves. However please don't get me wrong. I do not hunt for these, and quite often I delete people on my list who just can't stop. I try to ignore, but usually can't. And quite often Dawn or my sister will call each other and alk about what assholes these people are.

I however love so many updates. Like ones from Anna, who shares her crazy life and her coupon deals.

Dawn, who is just simply funny and plus my BFF and is carrying my love child.

Bobby, because I love to hear anything from him.

My cousin Brian, because he is a hunk who handles his three boys like woah. And he is funny and makes me laugh.

Michelle. Cuz she is perfect, and so is her family.

Cyn because she is crazy.

Liz and Sharon. You could post about the shape and consistency of poop and I would love it simply because it came from your fingertips.

mostly all of my friends, because I have deleted most of the douche bags. Some I have kept simply to rant about.

Poopy Pants!

I had a bad 15 minutes at work today when a child almost as big as I am pooped his 4 year old pants.

"Miss Beanie!!! I smell something funny!" I hear called out to me from a classroom.

"Oh no!.." And I stand up.

I walk into the pre-K class and peek around a corner, sniffing and snuffing like a poop sniffing dog.
There is a child.
A tall child.
A huge child.
A child that stopped pooping his pants a long time ago, or so I thought.

"Are you kidding me?" I ask him


"No..Beanie I am not kidding you. Hey Beanie guess what! I got a cool shirt!"


"Let's go." I lead the way into the toddler room and the whole way he is spouting on about his cool shirt that Daniel gave him.

The teacher calls out "I can do it Beanie." But seriously teachers have the hardest jobs in the whole entire world, okay?
                    Teachers should be on that show 'Deadliest Jobs'

                                     Teachers, should be paid more then we are.

"No way, you are entirely too busy!" I say back to the AMAZING teacher who I would change a poop for any day of the week,


"Hey...Hey Beanie. I gotta COOL SHIRT!" The little boy announces (yet again)

"Hey...really? I think you have some chonies full of poo...that's what I think you've got Yo."


"Yeah." he says while I strap on my gloves.

"But Hey...HEY BEANIE! Look at my shirt. it's cool. It has a hole in it."

I sit down on a toddler chair, which, if you have never sat down on one as a grown up, it is exactly like 4 inches from the ground. And if you have never seen a fattie sit in a chair 4 inches off the ground, it is quite a sight. Even poop pants chuckled at me.

I ask him to take off his shoes, then socks, then pants. And that's where 4 years of poo changing abilities comes into play. I mean, could I write that on a resume? 

"Able to slip off underwear FULL of poo without getting a smear on a child."
That should get me like..i dunno...50 cents more an hour ALONE.

"Hey..Hey..Hey Beanie...Guess what Beanie! Look at my shirt it's got a hole in it. Its so cool."

"Listen. I know you are trying to make me notice the shirt more then I notice your poo okay? I get it. Right now I don't think your shirt is too amazing. Let's see how I feel when i am done with the poo. Kay?"

"Kay..beanie...okay. Let's see."

"Deal?"


"Yes...hey Beanie! Yes. Deal."

So I withdrawl the child from his poopey smeary undies, without spreading the love, and clean him off. He obliges quietly. He bends when I tell him too and turns when I tell him too. I get him cleaned up and dressed in fresh undies, new pants, but his same holey shirt.

"Hey...Hey Beanie. look at my shirt. It is SO cool! It has a hole it in!"

I turn as I dry my hands off from washing and look at his shirt. It is white. It has paint smears on it from painting and green slime on it as well. He turns so that I can admire the hole in the back that is so UH-MAZING.

"Yes love, it is amazing."

He smiles and jumps 4 times in a row. His hair is red and his cheeks are flushed with pleasure.

"Remember what I am about to tell you, because it will get you through life... okay?" I ask


"Okay...Hey Beanie Yes...Ill remember..." He leans in. His smile is HUGE.


"Shirts always look cooler when you don't poop in the pants beneath them." I say and look wisely at him from my great height of 5'3


"Oh!!! Okay beanie! Okay...hey beanie! I have a cool shirt and no poop!" And I walk him back into his class.