I had a bad 15 minutes at work today when a child almost as big as I am pooped his 4 year old pants.
"Miss Beanie!!! I smell something funny!" I hear called out to me from a classroom.
"Oh no!.." And I stand up.
I walk into the pre-K class and peek around a corner, sniffing and snuffing like a poop sniffing dog.
There is a child.
A tall child.
A huge child.
A child that stopped pooping his pants a long time ago, or so I thought.
"Are you kidding me?" I ask him
"No..Beanie I am not kidding you. Hey Beanie guess what! I got a cool shirt!"
"Let's go." I lead the way into the toddler room and the whole way he is spouting on about his cool shirt that Daniel gave him.
The teacher calls out "I can do it Beanie." But seriously teachers have the hardest jobs in the whole entire world, okay?
Teachers should be on that show 'Deadliest Jobs'
Teachers, should be paid more then we are.
"No way, you are entirely too busy!" I say back to the AMAZING teacher who I would change a poop for any day of the week,
"Hey...Hey Beanie. I gotta COOL SHIRT!" The little boy announces (yet again)
"Hey...really? I think you have some chonies full of poo...that's what I think you've got Yo."
"Yeah." he says while I strap on my gloves.
"But Hey...HEY BEANIE! Look at my shirt. it's cool. It has a hole in it."
I sit down on a toddler chair, which, if you have never sat down on one as a grown up, it is exactly like 4 inches from the ground. And if you have never seen a fattie sit in a chair 4 inches off the ground, it is quite a sight. Even poop pants chuckled at me.
I ask him to take off his shoes, then socks, then pants. And that's where 4 years of poo changing abilities comes into play. I mean, could I write that on a resume?
That should get me like..i dunno...50 cents more an hour ALONE.
"Hey..Hey..Hey Beanie...Guess what Beanie! Look at my shirt it's got a hole in it. Its so cool."
"Listen. I know you are trying to make me notice the shirt more then I notice your poo okay? I get it. Right now I don't think your shirt is too amazing. Let's see how I feel when i am done with the poo. Kay?"
"Kay..beanie...okay. Let's see."
"Deal?"
"Yes...hey Beanie! Yes. Deal."
So I withdrawl the child from his poopey smeary undies, without spreading the love, and clean him off. He obliges quietly. He bends when I tell him too and turns when I tell him too. I get him cleaned up and dressed in fresh undies, new pants, but his same holey shirt.
"Hey...Hey Beanie. look at my shirt. It is SO cool! It has a hole it in!"
I turn as I dry my hands off from washing and look at his shirt. It is white. It has paint smears on it from painting and green slime on it as well. He turns so that I can admire the hole in the back that is so UH-MAZING.
"Yes love, it is amazing."
He smiles and jumps 4 times in a row. His hair is red and his cheeks are flushed with pleasure.
"Remember what I am about to tell you, because it will get you through life... okay?" I ask
"Okay...Hey Beanie Yes...Ill remember..." He leans in. His smile is HUGE.
"Shirts always look cooler when you don't poop in the pants beneath them." I say and look wisely at him from my great height of 5'3
"Oh!!! Okay beanie! Okay...hey beanie! I have a cool shirt and no poop!" And I walk him back into his class.
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