Day one
"I'm Hoooooot! I think I am hot because the carbs are leaving my body. I need carbs to keep me cool!"
"Uh I do not think that is true." Emma laughed at me.
"I am sweatyyyyyy. I think Carbs help keep the sweat inside my bodyyyyy." I whined as I moved in front of the air conditioner and spread out my arms.
(I fancied myself a more grounded version of Leonardo DiCaprio during the titanic scene...you know, except with a vagina.)
Emma laughed at me while I lamented. "I neeeeeed Carbs. I love them in fact. Ohhhhhh I miss them so!"
"Momma....Double V." Emma stated matter of factly.
"You are right" I nodded "I'm going to bed to watch The Avatar. Ang will make me feel better."
I kissed Shane goodnight and asked him if I was already skinnier. "Yes you are. You are beautiful." He swore.
It made me happy and I trudged off to bed.
Day Two found me in entirely new terrain.
I am convinced that my addiction to delicious foods is the very same as being addicted to Meth.
"Are you okay Beanie?" Brandee asked me this morning while we drove to work.
"I'm fine...you know, except for the fact that my eyes OBVIOUSLY are use to carbs helping to block out the sun and so I am practically blind."
Did you KNOW that I am dramatic?
I am.
Getting 'clean' off of shit food only makes me more so.
At lunch I looked at Birdies McDonalds fries and wanted to snatch one, but then remembered that Fries are my Meth and I am an addict.
"I want to start a Carbs anonymous." I declared while munching on my fruit salad. I was TRYING to pretend that it was a fry, but the coldness just fucked that all up.
Everyone just nodded at me (like they agreed with me) but didn't make eye contact.
Day Three
Carbs are the best things in the whole universe.
And diets are the WORST.
Today when I walked into the staff room. On the table was a chocolate cake with chocolate frosting.
And on the top it said in Sharpie "Ha Ha Beanie is on a diet...eat up bitches!!!! P.S breathe in her face."
Not really.
But that is how I took the chocolate deliciousness.
I sniffed it and tonight, when I told Emma about it she shrieked "DONT SNIFF THINGS!! You are inhaling CARBS."
That made me worry that I had accidently put carb poisons into my body that I almost fell off the fat wagon, ran into the kitchen and scarfed down peanut butter....with my bare fingers.
She sang the 'Double V' chant to me and I calmed down.....
What the 'Double V' chant is:
Double V
Double V
Double V
That is the chant.
What the double V chant means:
Basically I am convinced that I have TWO vaginas. My normal one and then the fat that is between my thighs. I call it my double vagina.
My family chants Double V to me, to remind me that I really should only have ONE vagina.,
Its nice of them huh?
No comments:
Post a Comment