When I was a child, my earliest memory of Marriage, was crawling beneath my writing desk and praying that my parents wouldn't get a Divorce.
I didn't even know what a Divorce was.
I only knew that my stepmother kept threatening to get one, and it seemed bad.
I promised God that I would give up my beloved Knight Rider big wheel, if he would make sure that my parents wouldn't get a Divorce....whatever that was.
Apparently the Big Wheel was not enough of a bribe, Because one Christmas morning, after unwrapping gifts and un-stuffing stockings, my father, my sister and myself left the only home that I knew and moved in with my grandparents.
We left behind my sister Michelle and my Brother Willie.
I was confused.
I remember I kept waiting for my mom to call me, but she never did.
My Father was visually upset and kept himself locked in his room. My grandmother tried to make life happy for us, My sister got angry and I was just fucking confused.
What had just happened here?
Soon enough I had a new stepmom. She tried really hard with us.
My sister was still angry and I was still confused.
Soon enough we had a baby brother and I watched the quick build-up and long break down of another Marriage.
It soon became fact that I was just wishing that my parents would just give up the ghost. My prayers went like this "Dear God....really?"
By the time I was an adult and I had my own family, I tried my best to convince my stepmom to get a Divorce.
My reasoning? Can't parents be happy separated rather then miserable together?
Why do people hold on to a relationship that has run its course? Is it the sanctity of marriage?
Is it the commitment?
The kids? (which is the worse reasoning. EVER. Kids are happy as long as mom and dad are. Together or apart.)
Maybe it is the preconceived idea that you need SOME body to live out your life with. Which, I think is beautiful and lovely. Really I do. As long as you love them, passionately and with verve.
I know that Marriage is supposed to be 'in good times and in bad' forever and ever.
In my life before this one, I was married for 13 years. And it was perfectly good marriage too. We never fought, he was my very best friend and we took family vacations to Disneyland and Monterey.
I drove a MiniVan and I was a stay at home mom who volunteered at Shane and Emma's school.
I grew up thinking that these were the steps in life:
Grow up.
Get married.
Have Kids.
Die.
The end.
Marriage was a part of adulthood. The next step.
This blog is not to convince others that Divorce is the new skinny Jean. It is to establish my own singledom.
I remember the conversation that changed my life and my mind about marriage.
I was speaking to my mom on the phone one evening.
I will tell you that as much as I absolutely adored my father, he was a bad husband. He just was.
My mom was crying on the phone and quite honestly, even though my dad was a douche a lot of the time, she was excusing his newest douchery.
And while, I appreciated her doing that for me. It was unnecessary at this point.
"Mom. Just divorce him. I love you. but...ya know?"
She refused.
I remember that I was sad for her. She was in her late 40's, a very successful business woman who was miserable. And all because of my dad.
How sad.
After we hung up I was in tears. I did NOT want to be that person. Living in misery simply because it was what was 'supposed' to happen when you grow up.
And I refused to be that person.
I did not know what I was going to do, or how I would achieve it. But in this I was certain.
******************************************
If you sit in my circle time at Buhach Preschool, and you happen to state who you will marry when you grow up, I will correct you.
Fall 2012 in My pre-k class:
"When I grow up I am going to marry a Prince!"
"When I grow up...I'm ganna marry my dad."
"When I grow up, I'm ganna marry Mason."
Summer 2013 (after a year)
"Ummm Mrs.Beanie, After I go to college and buy a house and have my own car...then can I marry a prince?...after my education?"
"Yes."
"Okay good.....when do I start college again?"
I decided to teach all little girls the new improved steps of life:
Grow up but take your time
Educate yourself
Always accessorize
Live
**After my father passed away, my mom has since met and married the love of her life. They are happily running her ranch and beautifying her home like she always dreamed.
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