Emma looked up from the laptop and then over at Shane. She tilted her head twords me and yelled at him "FAMILY MEETING!"
He lifted up his huge honken headphones and replied "Huh?"
"Family Meeting." Emma replied with a bossiness that is apparently inherited from me.
"Ah. 1 sec."
We all sat on the floor of the living room and Karma squirmed on the ground in the middle. (She is such an attention whore...also inherited from me)
"This is an emergency meeting, which means we dispense with the niceties."
"Okay." Both of my children agreed, eager to find out what the emergency was.
"We have an EMERGENCY! I cannot find a peter pan hat ANYWHERE."
Emma stared at me and Shane murmured "Oooookaaaaaaaay."
"Which means that Emma cannot be Peter Pan. Which means that we cannot do our family theme, which inevitably means that my life IS RUINED!"
"Oh my god." Emma stated quite dryly.
"OHHHHH Myyyyy." Shane replied
I lay down on the ground, moaned and Karma excitedly followed suit, Rubbing herself all over the carpet and grunting quite like a pig.
"I cannot find Genie Pants for Shane! And we cannot find a single set of popeye arms either! We need to think of something else!"
Emma leaned back on her hands with her arms outstretched. "I can always be Sherlock. All I need is a brown curly wig." My mind raced, but it was not excited...not in the least. "And what about everyone else?"
"Well....you can be John Watson."
"A FAT John? No thank you."
She laughed "You can be Moriarty"
"A FAT Moriarty? My life is practically over."
"Lets see...you could be a Queen."
"Yes. I am a Queen...I could be something fabulous, I could be a roman queen....I could be a some kind of queen....I could be a...."
"Drama Queen?" Emma laughed at herself and I gave her the death stare.
"I will find something for me, you worry about you and Karma." Shane stated, and I didn't doubt it. His room is a veritable costume closet. He has every hat you could want.
"We don't have to match Ma." Emma stated and ran into her room to try out her Sherlock costume.
She looked great and it was decided, after a quick Google search on homemade pet costumes, that I would be an Egyptian Queen (of course) and Karma would be my mummy. All wrapped in bandages and the like.
By Monday I was perturbed because Emma had really wanted to be Peter Pan.
By Tuesday, someone said "Can't you just MAKE the hat. It is simple."
I smiled with grit teeth and thought to myself ...."Why yes I can, while making 37 OTHER costumes and getting home at 7:00 each night and AFTER I make dinner for my children Yes, I am sure that I can."
Instead I just grimaced and walked away, because my stress meter was reaching capacity.I went around the corner, breathed like a whale and went in search of an elbow to pinch or a turtle necklace to rub. (MY stress relievers)
Tuesday night found me in line at Hobby Lobby with a bolt of green felt and gritty eyes.
Wednesday found me with tacky glue beneath my nails and Lego boxes stacked up around me, wondering how in the hell I was going to fucking find time to make a fucking hat.
On Thursday I ran into Walmart and even though I couldn't afford it, purchased brown boots that resembled peter pan.
And on Halloween morning at 5:00 am, I was sitting on my living room floor trying to cut out a motherfucking hat.
Karma felt my pain. She huffed at me and half rolled her eyes.
By 5:50 pm I was frantically searching for a red feather in all of the classrooms. I ran into the main building and plunked my Peter Pan hat on Juan's head. "You have to help me! Does this look like Peter Pans hat?" It swallowed his head and stuck out in a weird way.
"Why do I know what Peter Pans hat looks like?" he asked me, pulling up the brim of the hat.
"Because you go to Disneyland a lot! You have to help me!" I moaned "If I don't finish this I will be THE WORST MOTHER EVER!"
I stood back and looked. It looked more like a pirate hat then anything pan-ish. It was horrible!
I swallowed and pulled it off of his head and plopped it on Brandee's.
Juan looked at the hat and then looked at me. He didn't have to say a word."It doesn't look like Peter Pans Hat." I stated and pulled it off of her head.
I cut it down a bit and rolled it a bit and plunked in the 2 feathers that I stole from Jen.
"It does look like it. Emma will be Happy." Brandee stated but I knew right then That I sucked ass at making Peter Pans Hat.
Once we got home, I attached it to Emma's head and I hoped she didn't notice the wonky way that it tilted. I grimaced, patted her shoulder and She smiled at me in the mirror.
I had found Pirate gear for myself and had the wings and Tu-tu for our Tinkerbell Karma in the car.
At every house we went too, I sprinkled Fairy dust behind Karma, but pretty soon my fingers were too wet and I just left clumps of the stuff on the ground.
Unfortunately Peter Pan doesn't wear glasses, so Emma stumbled and squinted in the rain. Her brother guided her to each house and stood behind her at each door. TinkerKarma howled excitedly each and every time her girl came back to her and after an hour she started to shiver, her little green tu-tu wet and limp and her once glittery wings were sodden and tilted to one side.
Halfway through the hour walk, Emma lost both of the feathers, but received a ton of candy because she was one of the only trick or treaters who knocked on the doors.
When we returned back to Brandee's house. I put Karma into the car and said goodbye to my wolf and moo who had trudged the wet night along with us.
On the drive home, I looked at Emma in the review mirror. She sat laughing at Karma and smiling. I knew that despite the rain and the soggy bra, despite the fucked up hat and the squinting eyes, that next year this will all be another wonderful memory. It will be drawn by Emma in excruciating detail, it will be chortled over by Shane and it will be remembered by us all.
I have decided to get a shadowbox and frame my fucktard of a hat. I will put it up on my weird wall and one day Emma can tell her own kids how their Grandmother created a hat that was so retarted that it was remembered near and far.
Perhaps she will one day create a monstrosity as well, and know that the uneven cut, the giant brim and the much too small feathers, were placed on her head with a mouth full of grimace and a heart full of love.
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