I miss Jorden.
I can watch his videos now without crying. Yesterday Emma and I lay in bed watching him tell me "NO!" when I asked him to wake up 'Ga'. We hugged each other and whispered how much we missed him.
We laughed at his faces and snuggled closer together.
I am afraid to think of him, afraid of what he is doing and how he is.
There is no signs that he was here. He has been eradicated from our home.
In desperation.
Out of fear that feelings will bleed out of my heart and I will fall.
An empty bottle of his rolled out from beneath my bed when I was looking for my shoe the other day. When I saw it I froze....
I think I figured it would disappear.
I clenched my eyes shut against the sting of tears that bit at my eyes. I willed my heart to slow.
I picked it up, and without looking threw it in the trash.
I received a picture of him from my secret Santa, his very first school pictures.
He was perfect in it. I remember I made him where a turtleneck t shirt OVER his sweater vest that day until right before he went in.
His little hands clenched in his pockets and he smiled big at the camera. I was standing behind her and to the left. I remember saying "Cheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeese Jorden, Cheeeeeeeeeeeeeese!" While she snapped away.
I was so excited about his pictures.
I clapped my hands and kissed his fat cheeks when he was done.
Even as I right this, my throat tightens and my eyes blur. I gulp repeatedly to get through it.
When I opened my gift and I saw what was inside, tears threatened. I touched his face, my fingers cool against the glass. I put it away and went to find Brandee.
She was in the infant room.
"Help me." I said to her. A smile frozen on my face.
"Oh!" She knows what these words mean.
"I need you to help me." I repeated.
"Oh...okay...Tonight we are making cookies with the kids, and singing Christmas carols by the fire...Tomorrow we are having pizza and painting ornaments with the kids. I am so excited to see what Emma is going to make...."
I can feel the sadness fade.
I can feel it leak back into whatever place it came from.
"Don't forget! Then we have to go Christmas shopping! We have so much to do. And wrapping. We need to make a list of things...." she continues
My tears dry.
My throat losens.
My smile hitches.
And "I am okay."
".....You are okay?"
"Thank you." I say.....and I mean it.
