To the moon....

On Thursday evening I stood in my bedroom.

I did not know what I was supposed to be doing. Maybe I was in shock. I am not sure.
All I know is that there was absolutely nothing in my brain. I didn't know what I was doing, what I needed to do, or what I had already done, to get ready for this moment.

1995

I remember watching my fellow seniors graduate from High school. I sat In the seats, and quite honestly I was a little embarrassed. But I went to support Shanes dad. I sat there and held onto Shane and thought that I was the luckiest of them all, because I had him.

That day I had leaned down to whisper to him "When you graduate high school, I will be there and I will be proud of you."

2013

That day had come too soon.

And I just stood there in my room, looking at the 5 dresses placed out on my bed.
And I muttered "There are clothes. I need to put them on. I need to get dressed." Over and over again for 5 minutes I muttered.

My brain finally caught up with my mutters and I did what I was supposed to.

The whole time that I stared into the mirror placing eye shadow and foundation, eyeliner and mascara ....a conversation kept repeating in my memory.

1999

Shane was 4 and we were outside perched on the concrete steps of our apartment.

It was night and we both couldn't sleep. We were picking out constellations.

"What do you want to be when you grow up Shane?"

"I don't know. What can I be momma?"

"You can be anything in the entire world and thereafter."

"What do you want me to be?"

"I want you to be whatever your dream is. Whatever your heart desire is. If you want to be a ballerina, then I will be in the front row, holding signs and screaming your name."

"You would?" He giggled

"Absolutely."

He stared up at the night sky and sat down on my lap. He reached down and grabbed ahold of both my hands and he wrapped them around himself.

"When I grow up, I want to fly all the way up to the moon, and sit on it."

"You do?" I laughed

"Yes."

"Then you shall."


2013

I stared into the mirror and told myself "Do not cry. Do not." I blinked and blinked and breathed.

"Mom it is about time."

I turned and Shane stood there in his cap and gown. The 2013 sparkled in the light from the bathroom.  "Are you ready?" He asked.

I looked up at him and blinked and blinked. "I don't know."

"Ah momma, It's okay." He murmured and he leaned down to hug me. "You look beautiful."

We walked out of my room and I took pictures. And then climbed into the car. I stared at his cap all the way to the field and while we sat and waited all that I was thinking is how lucky that I am, and how fast it has gone by.

It has been the most magical time of my life. The happiest time, filled with wonder and pride. To be a mom is to be young. To provide for a child, and to encourage that childhood to be filled with magic and laughter, is to live your own childhood over again.

And I have not done it alone. And this is the time for me to say the things that I have not been able to say in person these last few days, I have tried and have found that my throat tightens and tears threaten.

To Amador:

Thank you for never doubting my mothering skills. Thank you for always doing your best. You were a teenage father as well, and you have always been there for Shane, even when it was difficult. Thank you for renting a car every other weekend for years simply to come and get Shane. Thank you for letting him be who he is and accepting that. For loving him always.
You have done an amazing job. And I am proud of you.

To Crystal:

Thank you for loving Shane. You have been an amazing presence in his life, and I am so happy that you are his step mom. Thank you for popping out brothers and sisters for him to love. I appreciate you and the wonderful things that you have taught Shane and shared with Shane throughout the years. I love you and appreciate you.

To Chris:

Thank you for loving Shane from the minute he was born. Thank you for allowing me 13 years to stay home with him and do all of the silly things that we got to do. We never would have had that time if it wasn't for you. Thank you for being a part of our family.

To Michelle:

When everyone walked out of my life you held my hand and held my son and got us through it. Though miles separate us now. And time passes much too quickly, you were an essential element to the decisions that led us up to this. I love you and appreciate every moment that you gave us.Thank you for being a part of our family.

To Dawn and Jesse:
Thank you for loving Shane before everyone in the world did. Thank you for being in the crowd with me. Thank you for helping us through his surgery. And the divorce. Thank you for the laughter and the family that we have become. Thank you Jesse for the times you stayed late to pick him up from theater. Thank you for speeding here to make sure he was okay.
Thank you for sitting through his 6th grade graduation in the sun and years later crying together, looking at highschool pictures from states away.
We will always be family, and he will always be our foof.

To Brandee and Mandy:

Thank you for filling a void. Thank you for the fart fights and the family dinners. Thank you for coming to all of his plays and for giving hundreds of rides home. Thank you for redbox nights and laughter always. Thank you for loving Shane and all of his decisions.
 Thank you for believing in us. Thank you for becoming our family.

Shane is so lucky to have all of you in his life. Thank you for helping him to become the amazing man that he is today, and no matter where his future takes him, whether it is to the Movies or the Moon, I know you all will be here as well, loving him.