Fate...

Dearest Shane,

The date is August the 21st, 1995 and you are 3 months old.
We just got back from taking a walk. You didn't like it too much, you screamed almost the entire time. You were hungry...like you mostly always are.

Even so, I enjoy you and our little "quiet" times together. It always makes me so happy.
I call you my little Angel that was sent to me from God, and I truly believe that you are. You make me so happy and have already taught me so much. You have taught me how to laugh at the smallest of things. To trust. But most importantly, you have taught me unconditional love.

And I thank YOU for that.

And I thank God for YOU.

People say that I have changed for the better since you have come into my life, and I believe that to be true. I am much happier now and much more patient.
I have come to learn that things happen for the best, and that you have to trust fate....and God.
I believe that God has our lives planned out for us already and that when bad things happen, it is really for the good of us.
You were no accident. You, Shane, were Fate. One that God had already perceived, thought out and planned.
If I could turn back time, I wouldn't change a thing. My life is so wonderful now that you have BECOME it. It is so fulfilling and I love you with all of my heart. I know that my love will only grow stronger for you as the hours, days and years pass by.

All of my love for eternity and there after,
                                        Your Mom.


Todays date is May the 19th 2013.
I used to write Shane letters every three months or so. I would include in the letters my feelings and world news and happenings.
I don't know why I did it, but I can tell you now, that I am so thankful that I did.

It is like seeing back into the past.

Reading these letters, I can see myself hunched over the typewriter, praying to God that I could type lightly, so as not to wake him.

I knew that I was an embarrassment to my family. Hushed tones would welcome me at every door. Sly glances at my burgeoning belly and snickers behind wicked fingers.
I remember feeling sad that I had let down my family.
I never liked to do that.
My father couldn't look at me for months.

But almost always, when my cheeks would brighten and my eyes would well up, a kick would come from beneath my heart, and I would know that I could be stronger for him.
And I was.
Even if, at first, it was all make believe.

 Soon he came into the world, and instead of kicking me from inside. He smiled at be from his crib. His head would pop up and his dimples would flash and I no longer had to pretend to be strong. I was.

I never had a mom. An honest to goodness "I gave birth to you and love you more then anything" mom. SO I was afraid that I would not know how to do it right. I was terrified that I would turn into my birth mother who left when I was a baby.

I had stepmoms who did the best that they could. But regardless, I always felt that she HAD to love me. Not that she necessarily did.

I never felt safe.

I was always scared.

And these feelings were not ones that I wanted my child to have to feel. Ever.

I know that parents have great expectations and that I did things in the wrong order, but right or right now. He happened. And he was a miracle.



I wish I could sit down beside my 17 year old self and tell her that she did the right thing. That everything would be okay. To just breathe.

And I wish I could tell EVERY young, single mother that is scared:

1. Always love your child's Father. Love him and respect him. Never EVER badmouth him. Keep everything from your relationship and put it in a shoebox to share with your child. Show him that he/she came from love. If he marries someone else, then love her too. Love her MORE. Respect her for the love that she gives to your child.
 Love the children that come from that union that are the brothers and sisters to your child.

If he cannot pay you child support, understand. Help him out. Let him see his son even more. Life is rough. Be a family.

2. You ARE going to fuck up. It happens. Figure out what you did, and fix it. Erase a bad situation with Two good ones.

3. Never belittle your child. NEVER discipline your child in front of others.(Unless absolutely necessary)
Just wait.
Don't yell.
 Always love them.
 If they break something, spill something or fuck up something please understand that they feel sad about it. Have them try to fix it, clean it and make it better. And end it with a hug.

4. Sometimes your child needs you to break them out of school and take them to a movie. So ditch school, ditch work and once a year make it happen. They will never forget those times.

5. Be silly. Build forts. Let them paint on the walls. Things are replaceable, but memories last forever.

6. Have family meetings. They help keep the Family unit stronger. Google it. Or email me. Ill help you out.

7. Give your child the freedom to have their own individuality. Let them wear boots under dresses and umbrella hats to school. I can tell you that both of my children KNOW who they are, and if YOU don't like it. It matters not one bit to them.

8. Raise strong humans, by being one yourself. If you can't handle life, how will you teach them to handle theirs.
If you aren't strong fake it.
If you cant smile, fake it.
If you still can't smile spend more time with your children. They will make you giggle.

9. Give the gift of humor. Sing silly songs. Understand that children forgive, so forgive them.

10. Cherish this. Cherish everything. The laughter, the potty training and the fuck-ups. Every moment is a memory. Take the time to cherish it.

I wish I could go back in time and do it all over again.
I wish I could watch Shane Power Ranger over my couch and teach him to swim. I have enjoyed every moment of the last 18 years together. It flew by in the blink of an eye.

In the whisper of a breath.
I can't believe it.

And I cannot help but believe in that little girl who wrote her son a letter. To know that Shane being my son was and is ....Fate.