I am confused by the part of Facebook that asks for your Relationship status. I do not consider myself single. I am not one. I am three...plus Karma. So...three and some change.
I would like for my Facebook status to read: Without Penis.
Today while texting a 'friend', he kindly (*snort*) offered to set me up.
Me: Sure... make fun of sad sexless Beanie.
Him: I could set you up.
Me: I'll shank you.
Him: You'll thank me.
Me: NO THANK YOU!
Him: Your loss
Me: Yep, and I'm cool with that.
And I am.
I feel sad for women who wait day after day for "The man who will change my life. Who will complete me."
My question: Why can't you change it yourself? What are you waiting for?...why are you not complete?...I'm confused.
Now that I put that out there, let me explain....I do not mock love. Believing in it or living in the thick of it. I LOVE love.
I love watching it happen all around me. I believe in it, most definitely. I JUST believe that my most wicked awesome imaginary man does not exist.
On Friday Brandee and I stopped off at her house, to let her out and for me to take the wheel.
This time though, I hopped out of the car and followed her inside. Mandy had called on our drive home, and she was "Sooooooo excited" about something that she had bought Brandee.
I am nosey...and so I followed her inside.
Mandy leaped off of her chair and ran outside for the gift. Brandee lifted her shoulders and whispered "What did she buy for me?" Her look was one of...concern. Probably because all the way home I convinced her that Mandy bought a puppy, which, would not be a gift for Brandee at all.
Mandy hurried back inside and held a bag out to Brandee. She opened it and the look on her face changed from one of confusion...to one of ...awe.
"Ohhhh my god." she whispered.
Mandy smiled and hurried back to her chair. It was cold in the house, and she replaced the blanket back over her legs.
"I went to the thrift store to find toys for the boys and I saw one....I dug in the bin for an hour, looking for more."
Brandee just breathed in slowly and opened the cover to her favorite childhood book series. Her hand slide over the cover and she let the pages flip slowly open.
"It's my favorite books!" She excitedly stammered. "I haven't seen these in forever!"
Mandys face beamed and Brandee hurried over to thank her with a hug and a kiss.
"And THAT my friend, is LOVE." I said as I turned tword the door to make my exit. They waved their goodbyes and as I stood by my car and glanced inside their window, I saw Brandee bounce up and down on the cushion of their sofa.
I stood there for a few moments, smiled and Soaked in that amazing feeling of love surrounding those whom I love.
SO until I find my:
incredibly tall,
incredibly well dressed man
who rarely smells bad,
leaves the bathroom door CLOSED after he takes a dump,
has a respectable job,
is NOT an alcoholic, drug (or porn) addict,
who does NOT shave his armpits, but DOES trim up his neither regions (really...that is just polite, right?) who is Hilariously funny,
Amazing with children,
intelligent,
not bald,
does not have a hairy chest,
Is not a fattie (Go figure right)
Who loves to read, conversate and fuck...
...then this is all the love that I need. The love of my friends and family.
SO when you feed me, shop with me in your jammies (Simply because I am)
have sword fights with me in restaurants, ask how my Chewbacca that Mason gave me is, Accept the fact that I will go out in public WITH said Chewbacca and make him wave to everyone,
Go to all of my sons plays, answer all of my questions, understand what "bless you butt" means, Understands me when I speak YODA, or better yet, talk back to me like him too,
.... That's you loving me. And THAT, my friends, is all I really need.
