I was on the phone with a friend and I was rolling my eyes and plugging my nose.
If you have ever in your life been annoyed at someone I highly recommend that you do this, Because when you plug your nose, you simply CANNOT sigh. And while listening to my friend go on and on about how SWEET her boyfriend was, I wanted to sigh so deep and so loud that it would completely obliterate my sigh tank.
"Ohhhh he was so sweet! He paid the car payment for me!"
I wanted to scream "What do you mean FOR you, don't you BOTH work? Don't you BOTH share the same bank account?"
But I didn't. Instead I plugged my nose and sought out Rick.
"I need to ask you a question, and I want you to be honest with me."
"Ok."
"I want you to tell me if I am an asshole."
"Okaaay, what's up?"
I had come to the VERY best person to ask about assholes.
Specifically... My being one and if I needed to stop doing so.
My friend Rick sat across the table from me as I annoyingly swung my foot back and forth.
Who is Rick you ask? Well he is a dick, But he is an honest one and he dresses like a champ.
(usually)
You see I had come to the conclusion as of late, that I was being a hateful bitch to a certain 'group' of people.(Couples)
OOOOH They gross me out!
UUUUUH They get on my nerves!
I have found myself while listening to conversations involving husbands with rolling my eyes, and at the same time I could feel my throat tighten...my gag reflex...well...FLEX.
I needed an intervention, or at the very least what I needed was Rick. To fill me with the truth.
A conversation had taken place that day, and I needed to retell it, Explain my feelings and seek the TRUTH about my asshole-ness.
After re-telling the story, he looked at me as if he were waiting for the punch line.
"Ooooookay?" (SIDENOTE: Rick says OK a lot, but never when it is profitable for me)
"Well I was annoyed! It was annoying to me!" I exclaimed
"Why?"
"Because it is stupid."
"Well, YOU may think it is stupid, but she does not."
"Okay. SO I am an asshole right?"
"Well." He leaned back in his chair and tried to find the words to use. "I can understand your feelings but I can understand why she was happy about it too."
I nodded.
I had my verdict.
I am an asshole.
"I worry that I am jaded." I confess
His lips purse and he shrugs "Maybe a little."
I thank him with sincerity and begin to think. I am worried about things.
#1. I worry about my daughter. There is rarely a day that I will NOT make a comment about how useless men are. This is not fair. I want her to have her ridiculous romantic dreams about love. (as long as she realizes that she does not need saving or rescuing,)
#2. I have sort of made my own complex network for replacing a man in my life. I shall explain:
When I need to be saved or be taken care of I go to Mandy.
When I need to laugh or whine I go to Brandee.
When I need to fight, smell a man or hear about what an asshole I am, I go to Rick.
When I need to express myself I go to my blog.
When I need most anything else I go to any number of friends.
And finally when I need sex, well I can handle that like a BOSS.
I wonder if I am actually completely happy. Can I be so complete on my own? I FEEL like I am. But am I really?
I shall do a test. I shall write an AD, place it out into the world and call it ME BEING OPEN to allowing someone the distinct honor of my attention and THEN I shall blog about it.
My Ad was as follows:
AIN'T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THIS!
Who has time to date? Or go out hunting in a club like a wild lioness trying like mad to squint through the darkness and read peoples intentions. Not I.
Is that what people do still? Go out to clubs, searching for Mr.Right quick? I don't know, and I am certainly not trying to find a soul mate, or a one night stand.
(Soul mate searching would take too much of my time, and I value my vagina too much to just fling it at random men.)
So why am I here? Hmmm. Perhaps I will find someone new and exciting to meet or text throughout the day.
About me:
I am a 37 year old woman (vagina included) who is fat. I am not a gargantuan whale, or even slightly whale-ish. Meaning I can tie my own shoes, and I do not have rolls on my knees. I am not one of those lazy fat people either. I walk 2 miles a day and even held a 3 second plank the other evening.
I am fairly attractive and have my own home. I even manage to sort of keep up on it during working hours.
I am educated and love my career immensely.
A great night to me is catching up on reading whilst sprawled in my bed. Or net flicks....Oh I enjoy a good movie.
I enjoy an alcoholic beverage from time to time, however I can also do without it.
I do not use drugs, and am horrifically opposed to the use of them. Especially Meth, but if an undead skeleton is your thing...then to each his own.
I can honestly tell you that I have no desire to be in a relationship, that I have minimal time for you and that I will always spend time with my children over you. If that is your thing hit reply.
I honestly did not think I would get many replies. But it did......
Part 2 coming soon.
No comments:
Post a Comment