As it stands, the word choad has three major definitions.
1) A short, fat penis that is wider than it is longer
2) The area between the scrotum/vagina and the anus.
3) A derogatory term used to insult somebody.
"Ducas has a fat choad."
"Last night your mom tongued my choad."
"Quit being such a choad."
It is almost October.
This is my favorite time of the year, not only do we get to celebrate Halloween, read Halloween books, wear Halloween inspired clothing and drink Halloween coffee...but in MY family, October 1st means that we make plans for the 'Other' Holidays.
Eeeeeee! Holidays.
How I love them so.
The music, the smells, the lights. Ahhhhh
Encase you're wondering...I AM one of those people who end up on December 26th, trembling and teary eyed that Christmas is over... "But it happened so fast.." I always say.
How sad.
However, I am also the planner of the family, and after eating our weekly family dinner and catching up on everyone's week, I whip my phone out and demand "OKAY. Let's schedule pumpkins."
Brandee and I look at our calendars and decide which pay day is the best to visit Delosso Farms.
"That's not a payday, but the next pay day is too close to Halloween." She says.
I "Hmmmm" In response.
"I am working. I can pumpkin!" Shane volunteers.
"Yay! If we are broke Shane can pumpkin for us!" I exclaim
"No, we can save." Brandee says...like an adult.
We quickly schedule our pumpkin date and discuss which rides we will go on.
As I get ready to follow my children out the door I murmur to Brandee "Wish me luck with these two. I am like the BOTTOM of the totem pole when we are together."
Brandee wishes me luck, I squish Mandy's face to my boobs and I am out the door.
On the way home I am excited.
Filled with Glee even.
"OH CHRISTMAS!" I exclaim "I can feel you coming! We will have the BEST most AMAZING tree EVER!....Who's turn is it to pick our tree this year!?"
Shane claps with Glee "MINE!"
My stomach drops and I frown at him.
Shane has ALWAYS wanted the most depressing tree's at Christmastime. You know, the ones you feel sorry for. The ones with gaping holes or lopsided ones that cause you to look away so that you don't feel sorry for the tree. THOSE ONES.
"NO." I mutter
"YES!!!" He exclaims "And I am going to pick out the smallest, most chubby tree on the lot!"
"NO!" I gasp trying to still my sinking heart with my hands
"YES! It will be a tree choad!" He laughs manically which causes my daughter to laugh with him.
"But SHAAAAAAAAAANE! I don't WANT a tree choad!" I whine, which causes him to laugh even harder. His fingers pinching the bridge of his nose to keep the tears at bay.
"I know! I KNOW! But it is MY year and I want a tree choad!"
"Oh my god, and it will break in half when we put my shark ornament on it that Mandy got me." Emma chuckles in the back seat.
"But I want a big fat tree! I picked out the BEST tree!" I whined some more, trying to make them see it my way. LAST year was my year and our tree was magnificent!
"DO you mean the one that we had to cut a foot off of to fit in our house and it took us 5 HOURS to put up. THAT ONE?" Emma questioned
"YES! But wasn't it magnificent?" I whispered, still awed by my fat giant LOVELY tree.
"Well yeah...but you had to run to Walmart and buy a whole separate tree holder for it."
"But...well now we have one so Shane can pick out a giant tree!"
"NOPE!" Shane shook his head "I'm getting the choad and there is nothing you can do about it. It's MY TURN! Family rules."
He was still chuckling at me, even when I smacked him for it on his tummy.
By the time we got home, I was pouting (and stomping) Shane was STILL laughing and Emma was spinning around in circles, probably high with the knowledge that her mom was miserable.
Shane stopped on the front porch to our home and looked down on me walking up, " I'm over your tree choices! You know what Momma, your tree choices SUCK!"
I gasped appalled at anything that I have chosen sucking.
"The pink tree?" He questioned, his arms folded and his eyebrow raised.
"Well THAT was my divorce tree! I HAD to celebrate with pink tree icing and pink diamonds on top!"
"The tinsel tree?" Emma stood next to him, her eyebrow raised as well.
"AGH! That is a reminiscent of times past. IT SHINED so prettily!" I stomped up our front steps after them. Completely rethinking my decision to give birth.
"I don't understand why you two are Christmas ruining assholes! I am the best mommy EVER and have filled your lives with Christmas fucking joy. JOY!" I shouted and pointed to the sky.
I walked down the hallway, de-braing and stomping like a toddler.
Behind me I heard "Oh my. Mommy is so mad." Then laughter.
Lots of laughter.
"If those beasts think I am going to have a choad tree, they have another thing coming." I murmured to Karma.
She snorted (Which in Karma speak means: THOSE BASTARDS!) and I was happy that I had ONE family member who would not be getting coal for Christmas.
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