I have a good friend, who tells me that there is no such thing as common sense.
And while he makes a good point and looks pretty while he does it, I still disagree with him.
I nod and smile while he argues his point because that's what you do to boys (and pretty things)
Common Sense (yes I googled it) means to "have good sense and sound judgment in practical matters."
So when I talk about common sense, this is to what I am referring too. (Also known as not being an fucking idiot.)
In my opinion it is our Job, as parents to create successful adults who will become leaders in our communities. To use their abilities to rationalise and react in a manner that will reap rewards or benefits for the good of themselves or their community as a whole.
And how do we do that as parents? Just how do we 'raise up' grown people who can think for themselves and foresee their outcomes using common sense and the abilities that we have nurtured in them.
The answer is simply stated, albeit intensely hard to do at times. You let them fail.
But you do it in a safe and protected way.
As our children grow up, we are to give them more and more space, until they are navigating through life on their own, and with good morals and standards of living, or more importantly, thinking.
From the time that our children are born to the time that they leave the house, every SINGLE moment, is a learning moment. Every trial no matter how trivial can be learned from. And sadly, when that moment passes it can never be recaptured. It starts small.
When Shane was 2, he was infatuated with our box fan. He would stare at the blades moving and creep closer and closer to it with every day that passed. Finally, I found him reaching out to it with his teensy tiny fingers.
What do you do?
A) Unplug the fan and hide it away in your attic until the child has left your home?
B) Demand that he NOT touch it and tell him he will be in big trouble if he does (Which, incidentally almost GUARANTEE'S that he will touch it.)
C) Recognize that there is a learning moment here.
First up: Teaching. It is our job to teach our children about life and everything in it. It is NOT our job to keep them from experiencing said life. Even at the cost of a cut teensy tiny finger.
"Shane, those blades will hurt you if you put your fingers in there."
He looked up at me and pursed his lips.
Children do NOT think with adult brains. (duh) they think with brand new brains that do not know (hopefully) much hurt, pain or consequences.
I turned the fan on low and walked back into our teeny weenie kitchen.
Soon enough I heard the fan stall and my son howl. He was holding his fingers and crying. I walked over, cuddled him and looked at the damage.
My heart was beating in my chest. Being 19 years old and the mother of a 2 year old, did NOT make me wise. I wasn't nor have I ever been a wise person.
I simply wanted my son to trust what I have to say, and I KNEW that trust has to be earned and shown. Not told.
"What happened?" I asked him (Like I didnt already know.)
"The fan huwt me!"
"How?!" I gasped, (Being a parent is also acting)
He pouted and pressed his face into my chest.
"Did you put your fingers in there?"
He nodded into my chest, crying because the fan hurt his fingers AND his feelings.
"Yes. The fan will hurt you if you put your fingers inside of it." I reiterated.
So, what did Shane learn from this moment? He learned that the fan was a fucker. But more importantly, Shane learned that when his mom warns him of something, maybe he should listen. He also learned that it was okay to fail in front of me.
You can TELL, YELL and scream something at your children. But it is more important if they learn it for themselves.
Don't ever say "SEE? I was right!" To anyone.
That is just unpleasant and unintelligent. Yes you were right, you also just cost yourself the respect and admiration of the person (child, spouse or friend) that had a learning moment.
Basically your low self esteem just ruined it. YOU feel better about the situation. Everyone else just thinks you are an ass hat.
Our pride is not as important as theirs is. We are already adults. Who gives a damn if we were right. It is so much more important for them to feel safe failing.
As Shane grew, sometimes it was very difficult to let him fail. But I did.
When he was 12 years old and in Jr.High I took my first child development class and I learned all about positive discipline. "This is an actual thing?" I said to my teacher. She nodded and reiterated "This is an actual thing."
Basically it teaches your children to be aware and accountable of and for THEMSELVES.
It is not YOUR job as a parent to bundle up your child (past the age of 5) for a cold day. It is your job to let your child know that it is cold outside.
Let them decide if they want a jacket. If they choose not too, and they get cold...they will not die and they wont forget it again.
It is not your job to make sure your child eats all of their dinner. It is your job to provide dinner. If they go to bed hungry, they will NOT die, and choose to eat more the next night.
Do you see what I am saying here? Each one of these things is a learning moment. And it is IMPORTANT for your child to experience them. Make their own decisions about their warmth level, hunger level ect. Small stuff.
And once they learn how to make decisions about small stuff, Like what to wear on Tuesday, they will be able to handle bigger decisions and repercussions.
When Shane was 13 he was failing a history class.
I called him into the kitchen (RESTING MOM FACE firmly in place) and presented his report card. "Let's look at your grades."
We looked at them together and he winced when he saw the F in history.
"I'm sorry Mama." he said
"Don't be sorry to me, these are not my grades. They are yours."
He nodded.
"Are you okay with this F?"
"No."
"So what should you do about it?"
He thought about it for a moment "I will go to my teacher and see which assignments are missing and try to make them up."
"Sounds like a plan."
"Are you mad at me?" he asked. Shane could never stand me being upset at him.
"You did not fail ME. You failed History."
Shane ended up not being able to make up the grade in that class and as a natural consequence he had to take it again.
"UGH I have to take that history class AGAIN!" He vented to me one night over dinner.
"Why?"
"Because I failed it."
"And are you going to fail it this time?"
"No way." He answered, determined. And he didn't. He passed the class and learned a lesson. Work smart not hard.
Was I worried? Of COURSE I was! However, Shane learning this natural consequence was more important then ME making my self feel better by piggybacking my son's way through his education.
As our children grow up, it is important that we teach them how to made decisions about their own lives. Despite how others may think it looks.
When Emma was in Kindergarten, she dressed...like a train wreck.
Sequence skirts overlaying jeans, a striped short sleeve over a plaid long sleeve and she always, ALWAYS wore cowboy boots. (We had them in every color.)
One day as we were leaving the school campus, her kindergarten teacher chased me down. "Mrs.Elam!!!!" She waved to me. I stopped and smiled. My smile slipped once she said what she needed too.
"Um...we notice that Emma's shoes are always on the wrong feet."
I glanced down at Emma, and sure enough..they were.
"Okay." I waited
"It's just...maybe you could fix them before school?" She smiled hopefully.
"Emma dresses herself." I stated
"Well...we are worried that she will fall."
"If she falls, she will switch them."
"Well, they MIGHT hurt her that way."
"If they hurt her, she will switch them." I looked down at Emma who was holding my hand and clomping her hot pink boots against the cement.
Her teacher smiled uncomfortably at me.
"I don't understand. Is Emma's boots interfering in her learning while at school?"
"Well no. Emma is the brightest child in her class."
I smiled "I am sure her boots are the brightest as well. Have a good day."
Did I make Emma switch her boots? Naw man. Naw. However the school DID call CPS on me.
When they showed up at my door, I was shocked. Embarrassed and more then happy to show them Emma's pink princess room stuffed full of clothing and every shade of boot available in Modesto.
When they left our home they apologized and promised things would be wrapped up quickly.
It was.
The most important parenting advice that I have ever given out, or will give out is this: Let your children fail. But be there for them when they do. Be a guide in their crazy life. Be a teacher and let them learn lessons.
Show them that it is safe to fail around you, that you will not rub it in their face when they do, or demand that they should listen to you. (because they won't EVER after that.)
Be a calm presence in the face of childhood. And Perfect the "Resting Mom Face"
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