Giving me the finger...

"She is going to put her finger in my butt."

"She is NOT going to put her finger In your butt, now stop it."

"Fine." I grumbled "But if she puts her finger in my butt I will never forgive you."

"Fine."

It was 2:00 am this morning.
Brandee and I had been sitting in the Emergency room since 11:36....respectively.

I have been having stomach issues for quite sometime, and had been to a clinic a week prior. At my clinic visit the doctor felt the lump that is in my stomach and gasped. She said that I had a mass right on my Ovary.

When she said that to me I held my breath.

"I am not saying that it is cancer, but I am treating it like it is." She turned quickly and fled the room.

I sat up and stared down at my feet. They were hanging off of the medical bed.
Just flopping around.

I remember thinking... "I really need a pedicure."
My eyes teared up and I gulped down a sob.

My brain immediately went to Emma, and I hopped off of the bed.

Soon enough a nurse came in with my paperwork and she told me that she would call the next day with an appointment for a CT.

I picked up my purse and left the room.



A week and a half later and I was experiencing twinges of pain that was not okay.
I picked up Brandee and we headed off to Doctors Hospital.

The first half of the visit went fast. I was called to pee in a cup, have my blood drawn and see the health insurance lady all at the same time.

Brandee ran interference while I sneered at the toilet.
I opened a wet wipe and with a clumped up piece of toilet paper wiped down the toilet. I then placed three toilet seat covers over the seat and went about making my pee fit into the cup.

The main bathroom door opened and Brandee called out "Beanie? They are calling you"

"Yes. I hear, but I am pissing in this cup....and my hand."

"Okay."

I finished my business and after washing my hands, I had my blood drawn.
Soon, we were in a room-ish.

Brandee stood there with her hands folded over her boobs listening to me complain about my open backed wardrobe.

"I don't feel pretty." I whined

"You're very pretty." she answered

"I have a belt in my purse...do you think I should belt this?"

"No. I think it is fine and you should lay down."

I harrumphed and the doctor came in. She listened to my guts and my complaints and ordered a pelvic exam and a CT scan.

She left the room and I looked at Brandee "If Mandy was here she would rub my head."

"Yes she would."

"And she would call me Darlin'"

Brandee laughed and agreed with me and They moved us to a real room for my exam.

"Brandee if they put their finger in my butt I am not going to be happy."

"Beanie Stop it!" She laughed "Why In the hell would they do that? You are not having problems with your butt!"

"I dunno. Doctors are weird. I'm just saying that if she does that to me, I will order my vagina to eat her face off. Like the Alien."

"OH? You can do that?"

"Yes. An entire mouth will come out of my vagina. Don't scream kay?"

"Okay."

"Also...if that thing that goes INTO my vagina makes a click noise, you should sing me a song."

"Okay."

"Cuz I don't like that noise."

"Okay Beanie."

20 minutes later and I was flat on my back with my legs in stirrups.

Brandee was holding my hand and rubbing my hair.

"Since we are here, lets do it up right."

"Huh?"

"I'm just going to check your rectum."

"Nooooooooo!" I yelled

Brandee grabbed my head and pressed her face against mine.

"All done." The doctor pronounced

"I feel so close to you right now." I replied

When she left I looked at Brandee. She was smiling. My eyes skinnied up " She stuck her finger in my butt."

"I know she did."

"You didn't even sing me a song." I pouted

"But there was NO CLICKING!"

I crossed my arms.

"Hey. Your vagina didn't eat her face off!"

"Yeah? It was too shocked!"

After my CT scan I went back to the room and Brandee. She was sitting in a chair squinting up at the machine that was taking my blood pressure all night.

"It wont stop beeping."

"Oh."

"It is driving me crazy."

We waited for awhile and then decided to squish on my bed.

At 4:45 am the doctor was standing at the foot of my bed staring at Brandee and I. My head was on top of hers and her leg was flopped over my right one. We were both sleeping lightly when we jerked awake and she told me "You have a hernia. There is nothing on your reproductive organs. Ill have the surgeon come in and see you."

By 5:45 we were signing papers and eagerly heading to Dennys. We were starving.

I got home at 7ish and flopped in my bed. By 1:30 I was meeting Brandee at the grocery store for our family dinner shopping.

She looked exhausted and she was limping slightly.

"Are you okay?"

"Something happened I dunno. Maybe when we squished on the bed."

"What a night." I sighed 

"Yes. But we have answers so it was worth it."

I stared at her.

I squinted at her.

"What!!?" she whined

"I CANNOT believe she put her finger in my butt!"