Why Fucking fixes EVERYTHING...

While in a conversation with a group of friends tonight I had an epiphany. I needed to write a blog about the discussion that we were having....right this second.

I doubt that I will make any new friends ...or hell maybe I will.

I have always had friends who complain about their husbands (boyfriends...ect) need for sex.
I have always rolled my eyes and once or twice stomped my feet in response.
Why?

I think it is fucking ridiculous.

Most of the time these complaints come from women who are tired, have headaches and feel like they have no time for sexual intercourse with their mate.

I say... who SAYS it has to be intercourse? What is wrong with a little afternoon handy?
Lunchtime blowjobs anyone?

My point is, most of the time my friends have complained about their husbands sexual appetite and have viewed it as a much disregarded chore that HAS to be done every other Wednesday. (Before bed but after the kids are bathed and tucked in.)

My friends would later complain that their significant other has shown a lack of interest in her neither region. "I just don't understand, he use to love to stare at my boobs...now he barely even looks at them! He is cheating I know it!"

Ummmm HELLO!!?? Have you not been keeping said boobs from his face for the last 3 months while complaining about your stressed out work week?

Maybe he is not cheating.....Maybe he has just learned better. (Or maybe he is busy eyeing other boobs....you know the ones that cannot be taken away from him because he is being a bad boy....either way.)

Do I think that sex is important in a relationship? DUH. Yes I do. Let me explain what sex does for a couple. It brings you closer, it is fun. It feels good. You can have laugh sex, which my favorite kind of sex only after rough sex and screaming sex.

Lets go down the list of excuses that women (And sometimes MEN give)

Headache:
If your head is pounding...have sex. Your body will release endorphins that can make your headache a thing of the past. If it doesn't... well you had fun trying.


Stress:
 Sex is the BEST thing for stress.

Example: I had THE worst day EVER at work. KinderCare had basically bitch slapped me the entire day... THE ENTIRE DAY.
I walked into my home, approached my then boyfriend and said "I have had the WORST most stressful day ever.  My neck is tight, my head is pounding and if I hear the word 'Corporate' one more time I am going to sock someone in the nuts."

"Ohhhh I'm sorry that sucks. What can I do?"

"I need 3...no....4 orgasms stat. Go."

Guess what? My neck was no longer tight, my head was not the body part that was pounding and if someone had screamed corporate at the top of their lungs, I would not have given a shit.

In fact the rest of my evening was peachy. We laughed so hard that I farted twice and the next day I was ready to face KinderCare once again.

Sex people. That's what's up.

Boredom:
Maybe you are bored with the same old penis. You know every vein and hair follicle by heart and just have no interest in it any more. "Meh" is your response when he stands outside of the shower and does the 'weenie swing' that so many men are fond of.

Well! This is 2013. Any good sex store has every kind of harness, sleeve and couple sex toy known to man (If you need any tips I can help...I use to sell them...recall?) If that is not enough, you could try heading down to your local Hobby Lobby and buying all of the proper materials to Bedazzle your very own penis.

Jewels and Penises?? Now we're talking!

This is a subject that I cannot "feel you" about. I cannot pat my friends in sympathy to their husbands beastly wants. You need to fuck your husbands, wifes and lovers.

You need to not make excuses because that is just ridiculous. Once he gets his beastly urges under control (or takes them out on the shower floor, the next door neighbor or lives miserably forever) You will just think that he no longer wants your vagina and that will be a whole other talk that wont end nicely for my friends either.

So from me to you: Don't complain.
Love the fact that your husband wants to hump your boobs. in fact make him a special badge that says #1 BOOB HUMPER the next day and sneak it into his wallet.

He will laugh, you will laugh and if you are lucky...you will laugh so hard that you fart....twice.