Blowout.

On Saturday evening I had a private consult.
(The one I scheduled while guiltily looking at my daughter the week prior)

Now, before you picture me being a hooker on the side of the road on a dark, damp Saturday evening, let me explain just WHAT a private consult IS.

A private consult is where I go to the home of a person who is too shy, too busy or too excited to show their significant other...my products.

Maybe they do not want to tread into Suzie's in the rain (Great Idea, because I come with instructions, demonstrations and lube.)

Maybe, like my consult on Saturday evening, their husband wanted to see too.

So, after shopping and lunching all day with Emma, Brandee and Mandy, I showered... threw on some spanks and (an AMAZING) polka dotted dress and headed out the door.

My consult went very well. I sold products, the couple was amazing and we were headed home. Happy that it was so early.

Then....we heard a noise.

"I hear a noise." I sputtered.

Brandee turned down the radio and listened.

It wasn't a typical noise. It was a weird noise. "Maybe it is just the road. You know the roads are weird out here."

I nodded, but my stomach was nervous and Brandee was listening intently.

"Lets pull over and check it out."

We pulled into a well lit area and got out of the car. I held my cellphone up to the tires and only hesitated at one. We both stared at it and looked closer. I put my foot on it and pressed, checking the air with the bottom of my heel.

It seemed fine to me.

"I cant believe that you just kicked your heel up to check the tire." Brandee laughed as we buckled ourselves back in.

"Well. I had to check."

We both felt better about life after our 'all knowing cell phone/high heel check'  .
We got on the freeway.

After about a mile the sound got louder.

"something's wrong." I stated

"Something is definitely wrong. Lets get off at the next exit."

Brandee slowed down and hit the hazards. The car jerked "Yep, there goes the tire."

"Oh shit." I surveyed the area and we were nowhere near an exit.

In fact. We were no where near an area that was safe to pull over.

We kept going, very slowly until we saw gravel.

"Pull over as far as you can"

"I am."

I reached into the backseat and grabbed my flip-flops. Kicking off my reds I slipped them on and jumped out. Cellphone light ready.

We surveyed the tires and sure enough, it was the front right one that we had given a second look.

"Fuck."
"Fuck." I echoed

Now.
Normally we would call Mandy and Mandy would come save us. NORMALLY we would get into the car and wait out the hour by checking Facebook and lamenting our bad luck.

That was not a possibility.

Mandy was at home in Modesto with no car.

WE were on the side of the road in Atwater. Right next to a palm reader.

"We can do this Beanie." Brandee stated

"Of course we can." I answered

She called Mandy and popped the trunk. We started emptying the stuff out to get to the spare.

Brandee found a sheet and she put it by the tire "Look. Juan did this, so will we."
I laughed and snorted "Do we have rubber gloves?"

"No. we don't need rubber gloves" She laughed back at me

We found the tire underneath a felt covered board. Brandee propped the board up with her head while she touched a round thing that was holding the tire in.

"What is this? Wha....what do I do?"

I grabbed the board and held it up for her. Peeking inside.

It was a plastic circle.
She started turning it. "Lefty loosey" she muttered while spinning it.
It came loose.

"Yay!" I cheered

She grabbed the small baby tire and lifted "Arrrrgh!"
The tire plunked back down.
She tried again.
"Huuuuuuuh!" she grunted as she tried to lift it. Half of her body slipped inside the trunk I SWEAR.
I gulped down a giggle.

"My turn." I stated
We switched sides and she held the board for me.

The tire was held in by long screwy things. I touched them with my fingers and lifted.
"Comeon bitch." I coaxed

I lifted and it came out.

(apparently our baby tire was a dirty tire, who liked to be called names.)

"Yay!" Brandee cheered

We took the tire and leaned it up against the car. We moved the jack underneath. "Remember we have to put it on the metal thingy...The metal not the door. My brother told me that."

Brandee knelt and I squatted down to peek underneath.

Brandee positioned it "like...here?"

I looked "Uh...yeah?...I mean...yeah."

We surveyed the blown out tire. It was nasty. "Damn." we both murmured.

"Okay lets do this."

We put the thing in the thing and started turning the one thing that lifts the other thing.
I don't fucking know what it is. But whatever it is worked.

We were taking turns and getting it done.

"Wait. I think...wait. Doesn't the tire need to me on the ground when we take off the bolt thingies?"

"Oh fuck. Yes. Call Mandy." Brandee handed me her phone and I did just that.

"Do we leave the tire on the ground or in the air when we take off the bolt thingies?" I asked Mandy.

I wish everyone could hear Mandys voice as she calmly told me it needed to be on the ground.

I assured her that we were fine and hung up.

"Mandy is scared for us I think."

"Mandy is so scared for us. She cant come help us." Brandee confirmed

"Poor Mandy"

"Poor Mandy" Brandee echoed.

We put the tire back down and moved forward a smidge to attack the bolt thingies.

"Okay here we go." I knew that these thingies were hard to do. We took a few breaths and knelt down. As we knelt down....the rain started.

"Beanie. Its fucking raining on us. Right now." Brandee laughed and shook her head

"Of course it is."

Brandee attacked the bolt first. Her little body straining against it. "Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuck."
She huffed and puffed and pushed.

"My turn." I stated

I grabbed the metal handle and pushed.
I grunted and strained and.....my hand slipped.

"FUCK! My hands are lubey."
With the rain (and like a truly good lube) it reactivated when it got wet.

I grabbed a piece of the sheet and put it over the metal thingy. "Come on Beanie!" Brandee cheered

"MOTHER FUCKER!" I grunted

"That's okay, lets move on to another." Brandee took the metal stick, special tool and got to work.

She pushed and pulled and LOOSENED one bolt! "YAY! You did it! My turn!"

I pushed and pushed and LOOSENED one bolt! "YES! You did it! My turn!" Brandee cheered

We successfully loosened 4 of the bolts. And got back to the first one. The hard one.

She tried, then I tried, then she tried again. As she was kicking at it I flipped off a Big Rig that flew by us at high speeds.

That is what made me nervous. My brain was racking up all of the dangerous possibilities every second that we knelt on that dark, rainy gravel freeway.

"Who lives around here? We can call Juan." I stated

Brandee grunted and laughed.

"Okay...we can call Kim. Doesn't Kim live around here?"

"Yes. Why call Kim?"

"Because Kim has a boy and BOYS have TOOLS."

"No. We have to do this. we can do this beanie. Your turn."

"Okay. Your right, we can do this...come on bitch. come on bitch." I chanted while I pushed. I was afraid of breaking our only tool thingy.

I started hopping on it with my upper body. "I will rabbit it....and I'm rabbiting and I'm rabbiting and I'm rabbiting."
Brandee laughed and wiped rain off of her cheek.

"My turn" Brandee stated and knelt in front of it. "Come on BITCH." She pushed and pushed and pushed. Her juicy legs were spread out behind her. "Beanie...come...Beanie! I NEED you to look at my butt crack." She turned and presented her butt crack to me.

It looked like a perfectly formed set of boobs peeking out from a top. It was pillowed by her jeans.

"Rain is going inside of my buttcrack. AND it is cold."

She stood up and started kicking at the tool. Breathing "come on come on come on"
I looked back at the giant palm glaring at me from a half of a mile away. I turned back and stared at the black tool.

I prayed.

I just stared at the tool ( and Brandees buttcrack) and I prayed.
 Our father who art in heaven...

That is as far as I got.

Brandee shouted (kinda like an orgasm) "YES!!! YES BITCH!"
She knelt back down, we unscrewed all of the bolts and we moved back to the thing holding up the car. We started raising it.
Muttering beneath our breath "righty tighty righty tighty."

I pulled at the end of the tool and bent it back. I used it as a handle to turn "Wha....your a genius!" Brandee shouted.

"Mandy taught me that."

"How do people know these things?"

"No idea."

We got the tire off and pushed the tiny one up to it. Brandee held it up and couldn't get it on. I tried and couldn't get it on. "Wait!...waitaminute!" She turned the tire around and tried again.
It went on.
I laughed. "Are you sure that is right? Lets look for writing that says THIS END UP."
We shined my cell phone on it, but saw nothing.

"Is there instructions?" I asked "I feel like there should be instructions."

We rubbed at the tire and looked. But alas no.
"Men don't look for directions." Brandee answered "This is it. It fits into the wheel well."

We screwed back on the bolt thingies and lowered it back down.

"WE DID IT!" Brandee cheered

 I cheered too! "Mandy is going to be so proud of us!"

Brandee called Mandy she stated that she was proud of us and we started home. It took FOEEEEEEVERRRRRRRrrrrrr (Brooklynn style) because we were driving so slow.

"You know you sound just like her when you whine like that." Brandee dryly stated.

"I know. But it just lets you know that I mean it."

Right before we hit my exit......we heard a noise.

"I HEAR A NOISE AGAIN!"

"Oh...are you FUCKING KIDDING ME!" Brandee shouted

"Lets pull over. What if the tire is about to pop off. I don't want the tire to pop off Brandee, I bet the tire is ABOUT to POP OFF!"

"No...no...lets pull over into a well lit street and check."

We did. The tire was almost flat.

We laughed. And filled it up at the nearest gas station.

As I was walking back to the car, my once gorgeous hair was pulled up in a knot at the back of my head. The spanks were creeping down my legs and settling around my thighs .....and my DRESS? ....I don't even want to talk about how my perfectly cut 3/4 sleeved polky-dotted dress looked.

When Brandee dropped me off at my house I thanked her for coming with me to my consultation/tire tragedy, we gave each other a sloppy high five and we both decided to invent a spare, where instructions were printed ON the tire.