Quite a while. The end of the first 30.

I parked in the 5 minute parking spot and rushed across the street, nearly bumping into the democrat booth that stands on the corner of the farmers market.

"5 minutes" I Muttered under my breath as I weaved through the crowds of people strolling down the street.

There were only two booths that I NEEDED to get to. The perfect farmer booth and The artichoke booth.

The perfect Farmer booth has vegetables that are so beautiful, you wouldn't believe. They should grace the cover of a magazine clutched in a skinny bitches hand. The tomato would rival the skinny bitch they are so glorious.

The farmer booths don't have signs. So I had to look for the perfect onions and the older farmer with the rough hands.

I found him and rushed up to the booth. I grabbed two onions, a pound and a half of tomatoes, cucumbers, bell peppers, jalapeños and he picked out a cantaloupe for me. I paid him $8.00, thanked him and rushed over to the artichokes.

After paying for my 9 artichokes (My favorite) I forgot about the strawberries and turned around, apologized for nearly running over an old woman and grabbed those too.

In 30 days I have become a farmers market connoisseur! .....Okay, maybe not a connoisseur, but most definitely a customer.

I am nearing the end of my 30 day "cleanse" of carbohydrates and refined sugar and the results are...well I am not sure.

I am full of energy, but to myself, I appear to be the same fat that I always was.

In fact according to Brandee's scale I have not lost a pound. I gained one though and that was a complete and UTTER fiasco in our household.

'OH MY GOD!" I screamed as I left her bathroom "I have GAINED a pound. gainedafuckingpound!"

"OH my." Mandy muttered

Emma rolled her eyes and Brandee stated "UHOH." because she knew what would ensue.

I flopped to the couch and I threw a hissy fit.

But this was all in the past. A week ago to be precise and I have moved on from it. (sort of)

Monday was a hard day...

In fact it was  a horrible day in existence. And I will tell you why.

ALL I wanted was a milkshake, with cookie dough and brownie bites with whipped cream all over it. Like bathing in it. UP to my nipples in whipped cream and cookie dough!

That  morning I got one glimpse at a sonic cup and my mind was filled with cookie dough thoughts.
OHMYGOD!

The whine fest began.

"I NEEEED IT!" I whined to Shane as gobs of children played around our feet.

"Mommy. No. You. Don't." He poked at me with each word.

"I do I dooooooooooo. I am going to die!"

"Ohhh myyyyy." He laughed at me

"I'm still as fat as I was when I ate good things. GOOOOD delicious things!" I whined and fell into his very tall body.

He laughed and hugged me. "Think about your dresses momma."

"My dresses. Yes..I love my dresses. Kim bought my dresses, I have to fit into them."

"Mmmhmmmm." Shane murmured into my hair.

"But."

"No."


On Wednesday night, during SYTYCD, once again ALL of the commercials were for pizza.

I love pizza. It is full of everything that I love. Bread, cheese and extra cheese.

I ended up throwing myself on my bed and kicking my legs while pounding my fists into the mattress. "I want PIZZAaaaaaa!" I wailed.

Shane laughed.
Emma stared at me.

"I waaaaant it and it wants me! I am still fat anyways, Jesus loves me fat. It is in all of the songs."

Shane laughed some more. (he always laughs at me) I looked at him "Buy me pizza!" I demanded

"No." he said, like Hitler. His face turning serious all at once.

"No." Emma echoed from the couch.

I gasped at the both of them and growled as well.

"Mama, if you want things to change, change them. And you are doing it." Emma stated.

"UH!" I gasped. But I was proud of her too.

Shane and Emma ended up snuggling me. One on each side. They made me laugh and calmed me down from my pizza craving.


I received my 2 dresses in the mail on Friday and I held my breath as I slid them on.

They fit.

I ordered one of them 1 size down from where I started and another 2 sizes down.
They both fit me, and I twirled and clapped my hands and flitted around my house like a fat butterfly...okay, more like a dinosaur. But whatever.

During one of my 'fits of whine' one of my friends asked me "How long did it take you to get fat?"

"Quite a while." I answered

"So expect it to take quite awhile to get healthy. Accept it, divorce the scale and move forward."
So I am.

The first 30 days have been hard, because.... I will ALWAYS want delicious foods. I will always whine and throw fits.
But it has been amazing too.

 The next 30 days I will incorporate brown rice and beans. HOLLA!...cuz this fat bitch loves Mexican food.