Struggle.

The struggle is real people. I saw it with my eyes, I smelled it with my nose..I peeked at it and weighed its worth in my head.

MY struggle is....

Da.. Da..Daaaaaaa....

Oh delicious chocolate cake, how I love you so.

My class had a 4th of July party on Thursday and one of the things on the children's  'MUST HAVE' list was chocolate cake.

Low and behold somebody brought one.

When I entered the classroom on Thursday Morning, I slightly perused the goodies with my eyes.
"Hmmm I don't want any of it." I thought to myself, quite proud and smug.

 

But that was BEFORE the piles of chips were moved and my eyes caught the gleam of chocolate cake with chocolate frosting (and on top of THAT were perfectly orgasmic chocolate flowers)

 

"UH OHHHHH!" I moaned to my co-teacher "Chocolate cake!!!!"

 

"Just have a little bit. It is a party."

 

I shook my head "I caaaaaaaan't! I am on a very restrictive 30 day cleanse of everything delicious."

 

She just smiled like un-fat people do "Its just a little bit." she cajoled

 

I shook my head and walked away.

 

By 9:47 I was CONVINCED that I should give in and have some chocolate cake so I asked an expert.

 

"Nico, do YOU think I should have chocolate cake?"

 

"Yeth." he nodded his wise head "And I should have thome too."

 

"Right? But...chocolate cake makes me fat and I am on a diet."

 

"But I love your beautiful."

 

SIDE NOTE: I taught Nicolas that it was very rude to keep saying that he loved my fat, so I told him that my fat was actually called 'Beautiful'.

END SIDE NOTE.

 

"I know you love my beautiful, but that is because you are a chubby chaser in training."

 

"Yeth I love chub." he giggled.

 

I sighed and decided that he was a genius, especially because he loves chub and thinks that I should have chocolate cake.

Also.... it was his birthday and all good people should give birthday boys what they want for their birthday. Nicolas CLEARLY wanted me to have chocolate cake and grow my beautiful.

 

My mind was set.

 

When Maria came in later I told her "I have made up my mind. I am going to have chocolate cake!"

 

"Good. You should. Just a little piece."

 

Spoken like a true skinny bitch.

 

I don't DO a little piece of anything.

 Whether it is cake, pizza or sex. If I am ganna have some of ANY of that, I WILL have third-sies.

 

"Maria! I cant have chocolate cake! You are supposed to tell me no!" I whined at her.

 

"Why?!! You are very sexy. You dress sexy, your face is sexy YOU are sexy. It doesn't matter if you are thin or you are FAT. You want me to tell you what I do"

 

"NO! YOU are skinny and I don't take fat people advice from skinny people."

 

"I use to be fat! I wore a 10 now I am a 4."

 

I sighed and after ignoring her for 3 minutes,she left the room. Maria just ruined my life.

 

Then Brandee walked in. "I am going to have chocolate cake!" I announced to her.

 

"um....Beanie..."

 

"I'm just ganna smell it." I lifted the sealed cake and squeezed it, so that cool chocolate air could waft out and tickle my nose with chocolaty delight.

 

"Mmmmmmm It smells so delicious. Doesn't it look delicious?" I asked Brandee

 

"No not really. Um...double V Beanie."

 

"Fuck Double V!!!! UGH!" And I put the cake down. "I am going to eat my lunch and if I still want cake I am eating it!"

 

"Okay, I just know you will regret it." Brandee shrugged

 

I sighed because she was right.

 

For afternoon snack I cut into the cake to serve the children. As I plopped each piece of their plates the smell enveloped me.

 

"OH MY GOD." I whimpered

 

"Just have a little piece!" My co-teacher laughed at me. There was a parent in the room as well  "A little slice wont hurt you." she smiled.

 

Look at these drug pushers I thought, while cutting into another slice of moist deliciousness.

 

"Double V Double V" I shakingly whispered to myself. Two of my girls heard me and repeated it and soon enough the whole class was shouting

 

 " DOUBLE V DOUBLE V DOUBLE V!"

 

I smiled and took off my gloves. "I cant do this Luna, you do it."

 

I successfully did NOT give in to the chocolate cake (and the chocolate cake pushers) and on the way home I was indeed very proud of myself.

 

That pride followed into the 4th when I turned down alcohol and anything other then cool fruit and a delicious salad.

 

"Beanie you NEED to cheat every once in awhile." some people said

 

"Not 2 weeks into it." I answered.

 

I treated myself with raw sugar in my coffee that night and crossed another day off of my calendar. Quitting shit food isn't easy, and there will ALWAYS be people telling me to have a little bit. That it wont hurt.

 

But much like the METH that I have convinced myself that food is to me, a little bit WILL hurt. It will put me back to Day 1. And even though I am only 2 weeks deep in this, I am not willing to go back there.