Teenager.

Having a teenage Emma, is like tiptoeing around a sigh explosive....I never know when it is going to go off.


"Mom. Please don't do that." She muttered while shopping in Rue21.

"What?" I asked, honestly curious.  (Because you never know. It could be me simply breathing.)

"Dance."

"Ahhhh." I replied. Not even aware that I was. Oops. Strike 1 for mom during back to school shopping.

Emma is quite different from Shane, besides having a vagina. Emma is embarrassed of me ALL of the time.

Shane would have stood in front of me asked "OOOH Is that what we are doing? Are we dancing now?" And he would have white people waltzed me around the clothing store, bumping into everything and declaring to one and all that HIS mom was the most beautiful waltzer of ALL.

"Right." I muttered and then smiled. Because if Emma thinks that I am mad at her it makes her sigh.

Emma has been unique since the moment of her birth.

 First off, she was SUPPOSED to have a penis. Her name was to be Carter Louis and surprised us all when she squeezed out of my vagina (OH THE PAIN) and had one herself.

"IT'S A.......GIRL????" the nurse shouted

"WHAT!?" Emma's dad responded

"I TOLD YOU I PRAYED FOR A SISTER!" Shane squealed "GIMMIE HER!"

Baby Emma screamed as we took it all in.

My sister swears that I cried happy tears and said "OH THANK GOD" when they announced that he was a she, but I know that I said it because the torment of my vagina was over.

Epidural or not, I am convinced that my daughter bit her way out of my body.

That night I fed my little girl. She had on a yellow gown with a yellow bow In her thick hair....We stared into each others eyes and I asked her "What does one DO with a daughter?"

She let my nipple pop out of her mouth, yawned real big....and then she sighed at me.... it has been happening ever since.

I soon found out what one does with a daughter. AMAZING things. I absolutely loved having a baby girl....OH THE ACCESORIES! OH THE SHOPPING! OH the chance to teach a little girl that she is powerful and beautiful and above almost everyone......OH fuck....I don't know how to do hair....

But then I learned(ish)


When Emma was small we would chant "UTERUSES UNITE!" And plan how Emma the great mighty conqueress would change the world.

 This is not a post about how horrid my teenage daughter is. In fact, Emma Is quite amazing. She is highly intelligent, Well spoken, confident and kind.

THIS is a post about how I don't know what the fuck I am doing. And how hard it is to jump from the little girl who chanted with me to the little lady with boobs.

 I'm winging it.

Shane and I have always had the kind of relationship where, if he is upset he tells me why. We talk through it and make it better.

Emma is quiet. She claims that she is always fine, she reminds me too much of ME....And I know without a doubt that I am THE best fine faker in the history of the world.

"Em, you okay?"

"Yeah! Why?"

"Because my mommy senses are tingling."

*insert eyeroll here*

"I'm FINE mom." she says, "why do you always think something's wrong?"

"Because I am your mom and I don't want you to be EMO." I answer (I am always afraid my kids will turn into Emotionally drained children who wear black and mutter about Satan. It's a legitimate fear ya'll.)

She walks away and I whisper to Shane  "Will you talk with her?"

"Yes mamma. Nothings wrong with her, but YES I will talk with her okay?"

"Okay Shane. Snuggle me." And he does.

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Over dinner I stare at Emma.

"WHY are you staring at me?" she asks

"I think I should have spanked you more when you were little." I responded.

"Wha....why?"

"Because then you would love me more. Look at Shane."

"That is true. I do love mamma more Emma."

"NO!" She argues "I LOVE YOU!"....and I smile.

1 point to me for forcing my daughter to admit she loves me. Score.
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Last night at 6:00pm

"Mom. It is Pizza time!"

"Didn't we JUST eat lunch I said with blurry eyes." We had been watching a supernatural marathon the entire day (and continued it until 1:00 am)

"Mom. Its 6:00."

"Okay...okay don't get crazy. Get dressed. You are coming with me. I need someone to fend off the homeless while I grab the pizza and you're it kid."

I throw on a dress and Emma grabs some shorts. I hand her 2 quarters and we discussed our tactics.

Once there, Emma clutches her quarters and grabs my Chewbacca bag. "Watch my six kid." I say as we head to the doors.

I decline a window washing and nod my head to Emma. She approaches and doles out the quarters. Why quarters? Because I am broke and it is better then thin air or a Fart.

Inside we stand in line and I start to sing. I cannot help it.... I have musical Tourette's.
This time it is Tribute. (of the best songs ever despite what Emma says)

Emma shakes her head and I sing louder. She laughs and looks up. "OH.MY.GOD."

"What."

"Look what you made me come out in?"

I look at her. She is wearing cut off jean shorts, shanes t-shirt that she has knotted around her waist and my Chewbacca purse. Her hair is pulled back into a bun with wisps of curls that surround her noggin and she is wearing her black, thick nerd glasses.

"You look beautiful!" I state quite angrily, because she does.

She sighs (told you) and points up....to the monitor where people are displayed.

"What?" I question putting my hand on my hip. "wait... that's not US!" I say as I look closer to the screen.

"Uh...YEA it is!" she says.

"No no that is a homeless little girl and her fat mom. WE.." I point to the both of us " are beautiful."

As I say that the fat mom mimic's my hand movements precisely. "OHMYGODEMMA THATS US."

I start to laugh so hard that apparently my entire body jiggles.

"NO." Emma states and then turns her face to start laughing.

"EMMA! We look like assholes." I laugh until I start to drool and I have to cross my legs to keep from pee-ing.

"Just get the pizza." Emma's head is down because she is laughing and apparently if she laughs too much her face will crack.

I grab the pizza and as we leave we are asked for a slice from the quarter man.

It pisses me off but then I felt guilty so Emma delivers him a slice. All of the way home I let Emma know that Pizza Place cameras most definitely lie and that we are beautiful queens.

She nods and laughs and assures me that she believes me.

"You know how people always think they look bad?"

"Bad self image?" she asks

"yeah, I have the opposite of that. Its a thing." I shrug
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The biggest challenge (SO FAR) That I face, is not letting Emma realize how much she is like ME. My theory is, If I tell her then she will change it. SO I quietly cheer every time I see a flash of my spirit in her.

I am very proud of my daughter....I am just confused by her as well. I don't know what the fuck I am doing. I am nowhere near the perfect parent.

My plan is to enjoy her when she lets me, give her space when she needs it and be here whenever she is ready to chant UTERUSES UNITE! once again.