Post-op

"Why the HELL haven't you told me you are having surgery?!"
Popped up on my facebook messenger.

I stared at the words and just blinked.

"Why the HELL would I?" I responded

Now, I know this may seen mean. but seriously...SERIOUSLY people act odd at times.
I am not one to blast on facebook about my personal medical issues.
Even the fact that I just wrote "issues" after the word "Medical" erks me.

I am not one to whine about my aches and pains. No one knows that my stomach has been killing me for over a year. No one except those who are in my personal life. Those who HAVE to deal with me simply because they are near enough to me to notice that I cringe when I bend over. Or wince sometimes when I walk.

"I'm fine." I say and move forward. It is not true. The fact is I have been worried about myself. Very Very worried.

November found me sitting in a dirty clinic, clutching my purse to my chest and looking around the place. "I hate this." I muttered

"Too bad. You need to get checked out. You will feel better once you get checked out by SOMEONE." Brandee answered me, very matter of factly.
She was trying to look comfortable, but there was NO way she could have been.

The place was dirty. It was icky. I HATED IT.
At the same time, I was happy that the place existed at all. I was called up to the front and asked about insurance. "I don't have insurance." I stated.

I was called back to the room and told to sit on the bed.

The bed was old. It was torn and dirty and I shuddered. I almost left, but I knew Mandy would be mad at me so I stayed.

The doctor came in and asked me questions. She asked me to lay down and she felt around on my stomach.
She poked.
She prodded.

She felt the protrusion and gasped "This feels like it is right on your ovary!"
She felt around some more. "Okay. I am not going to tell you for sure that this is what you have. But I am going to treat this like you have Cancer."

"What!?" I shouted at her

"Yes. Ohmygosh. You will need an ultrasound but that will have to be ordered. We will call you!." And she rushed out of the room.

I lay on the bed. Breathing. Trying to focus. "Well that was professional." I muttered while I stood up and exited the room.

Mandy and Brandee met me outside. We were walked out by the security guard.
I hated that place.

I told them what the doctor said and they tried to act calm.

I don't remember driving home. But I remember that once I got there, I got in the shower and I cried.
I sobbed and I cried and I washed away the dirtiness of the clinic.

At work the next day I had to make Brandee tell the beast that I would be having doctor appointments. I couldn't do it. I couldn't say the words.

"You need to go down and get Medi-cal." Brandee Stated

"I don't want medic-al! I want Kaiser!" I stomped

"Well." she shrugged her shoulders.

That night I went online for a Kaiser quote. After seeing the $489.00 quote I slammed my computer shut.

The next two weeks passed in a blur of worry, sporadic and erratic tears and no sleep. Clutching Emmas sleeping body to mine and praying.

One night my stomach hurt so bad I went into the  Emergency Room.
I need you to keep in mind that I do not enter the emergency room doors unless I feel like I am dying.

On the drive there Brandee assured me that we would find SOME answer that night. I nodded.

Once there they took blood and pee. They swabbed my cervix, poked my ass and put me in a machine.
The result to me was a happy one. There is nothing on my reproductive organs. I have a hernia.

I wanted to cry, I was so happy.

I left that hospital at least relieved. At least knowing that they did more then poke my stomach and declare me cancerous.

I went home and started the process for Covered California.

In the meantime I had to stop walking in the mornings. I had to stop going to the gym. Eventually I had to stop doing EVERYTHING but working.

On the weekends I would go to a party and cinch myself into spanx in order to wear a dress. I would find myself smiling at my hostesses and asking to use the restroom just so I could squat down and catch my breath. The pain was getting worse. I could no longer even walk around my house on the weekends.

I couldn't stand for long.
I couldn't bend over and clean the shelves in my classroom.

It took 3 months for the covered California process to go through.
It was worth it.

When I walked through the Kaiser doors 2 weeks ago I almost cried. I felt HUMAN.

And as I left his office I entered the elevators and leaned my head against the wood. I felt SAVED.  "Thank you Jesus." I whispered.


Within 10 minutes of talking to my doctor he had a surgery clinic appointment scheduled for me. It has been less then 2 weeks and my surgery is this Wednesday.