Tom Keen.
Tom Keen.
Who is Tom Keen?.....Tom Keen is my nurse. My brain registered.
If you do not know who Tom Keen is then you do not watch The Blacklist. Which, IS the best show. EVER.
"Your pain level?" He insisted.
I growled at him and held up 5 fingers.
I didn't know why he was bothering me.
I also don't know why Tom Keen was in my Kaiser Hospital, but....details.
My eyes were so heavy. I wanted to sleep for weeks.
"She's going out again." I hear Tom say to another nurse. And He walked away.
I nestled back into my hospital bed, my eyes grainy and heavy.
I grit my teeth against the burning pain in my stomach.
I started to drift off and then wondered why I was in the hospital.
Why was I sleepy?
What was I doing there?
I forced my eyes open and stared at the clock.
Blurred numbers.
I concentrated.
10:something it said.
Wait. That is not right. That is late. I sat up, shook my head and took stock of my body.
#1. I wiggled my toes. I am forever convinced that while I am in a hospital I will be overcome with paralysis. I do not know why I feel this way, it is a thing.
#2. I smiled. I always have to check the status of my Bells Palsy. It was still there. This is oddly comforting to me.
#3. I looked for Tom Keen. Was he a figment of my imagination?
#4. I tried to remember.
I did not just have a baby, but my stomach hurt.
My stomach.
yes.
I had my stomach fixed.
Yay.
#5. I checked my boobs. Nope, there was no feel sorry for me boob job. How sad to them.
Boo.
Tom appeared again.
He looked grumpy.
His shoes offended me.
I frowned at him.
"Do you think you can eat this jello?" He asked
"sure."
I knew I had to eat, drink and walk to leave. I took two spoonful's.
It was yellow.
I have never seen yellow jello before.
I almost threw it up.
It was as if Tom could tell I was going to puke, because he appeared at my bedside.
"You okay?"
"Yep." I nod.
I picked up the cup of water and took a sip of it. I stared at the clock and wonder what took so long if they didn't provide complimentary boobs for me.
Tom appeared again, holding my bag of clothing.
"You feel like getting dressed?"
"Yep." I nod
"okay, lets stand you up."
When I tried to stand up fire shot out of my veins and surrounded my stomach in intense and irrational pain.
"FUCK!" I yelled, and fell back against the bed. "I'm sorry." I apologized.
Tom smiled "Cussing is good for recovery. It is a fact."
"oh good...good." I breathed
He laughed. (He would. EVERYONE knows that nurse Tom Keen is evil.)
I took a breathe and pulled myself back up.
It hurt like a son of a bitch.
My head spun.
I have to get dressed.
I held onto Tom and nodded at him.
"Would you like for me to call a female nurse in here with us?"
"No. I don't care."
He nodded and held up my dress. I slid off my hospital gown and pulled my soft blue dress over my head.
I sighed at the comfort and familiarity of my dress.
He held up my panties and I whined.
"Do I have toooo? I really, REALLY don't think panties are a good idea."
He laughed again "Nope. No panties Is always good."
He led me to my wheelchair and away I went. Outside to Mandy's car. She was waiting for me with the door open.
I will tell you that I honestly had no idea how I was going to stand up.
Or get into the car.
Or breathe.
I passed out on the way home, and the walk into my house and down the loooooong hallway to my bed was the longest walk EVER.
I kept thinking that Karma was going to jump on my and claw at my wound like a vicious animal that she isn't.
She didn't.
Instead she kept running in front of us and flopping down only to roll on her back, belly up. Tongue hanging out.
She is an attention whore. (but she comes by it honestly.)
The rest of the day was a blur of sleep,The lord of the rings on replay and Mandy.
Finally I had to pee.
Mandy had taken up residence on my couch and gave me a strict order to text her when I needed something.
Pee was something. SO I text her.
She came in and I looked at her in confusion.
Let me tell you why.
Every single movement that your body makes, comes through your stomach.
I SWEAR!
I tried to roll. "NOPE!" I grunted.
I tried to scootch "NOPE!" I growled
Mandy pushed pillows behind my back as I slowly maneuvered.
At one point she used her body to held guide mine off of the bed "NOPE!" I shouted, when my stomach bit me from inside.
"Im just ganna never pee!" I whined up at her
"You will pee." She half laughed at me "Use your arms."
I pouted and rolled to my right, scooting down until my toes touched the floor.
My bed is very tall. I am very NOT.
I used my arms and pushed myself up....
Peeing was the hardest thing that I have done since I pushed a child out of my vagina. A CHILD.
It took me 20 minutes to get out of bed, limp into my bedroom and tare at my toilet.
"I don't know what to do." I looked at my toilet with fear and confusion.
Emma had come in to help me use the restroom. "I will hold your dress."
"ohhhhhhhhh." I whined.
As I whined and turned to back up while standing I caught a look of myself in the mirror.
"OHHHHHHHH." I moaned
"Just back up and sit down." Emma stated.
Emma is very matter of fact. She is fact based. She doesn't understand that I am scared to sit down on the toilet, she is just aware that I need too.
"Okay." I said while standing over my toilet, Emma holding my blue dress in her hands like a pee pee princess train holder.
I stood there for a minute like that. With my dress hiked up to my boobs and Emma turning her head away.
"Here I go." I stated
"Go." Emma answered.
"Here I GO." I stated....again.
"GO!" Emma demanded
It took me a full minute to sit down on the toilet and when I finally sat there and pee'd, I felt like I should get a medal for it.
A straight gold fuckin medal and a round of applause.
"Mandy I did it!" I yelled out to my bedroom. She laughed and congratulated me.
I knew she would be proud, you see Mandy loves me ONLY.
I felt so accomplished. I was so proud.
Emma was not impressed.
It took me twice as long to stand back up, and when I did I was sort of hunched over. I limped twords the door of the bathroom and I heard Emma snort.
Snort with a held back laughter.
I stopped walking. "Stoppit." I said quietly
She turned her head and scooted behind the door.
I looked away from her, which made me look in the mirror.
I stood there Hunched over, my sundress bunched up over my boobs... my hair a long, tangled hot mess.
I snorted.
I could feel it start.
"STOPIT." I insisted....I shook my head.
"I'm not DOing anything! I am sorry!" Emma exclaimed.
"Leave! Leave!" rushed out of my tightly clamped lips. "Oh no." I gasped as Emma dashed past me.
I started laughing. "nonono" I whispered between giggles.
"UTOH!" Mandy exclaimed.
Which made me giggle harder.
My stomach clenching with fire and level 5 pain. I couldn't walk. Or move. All I could do was try to think of something that was not funny. And when you are hopped up on pain pills, most everything is funny.
I don't think I saw Emma for the next 2 days. Every single time that I saw her, she made me laugh.
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