Weed-eat me.

Yesterday while standing in Wal mart, I surveyed the 35 different weed eaters to choose from.

At first, I calmly read through the titles. And I separated Gas from Electric.

Okay.

Easy Enough.

I smiled and moved in closer.

20Volts, 3.6 AMP,13 inch 4AMP string

17 22cc 2 cycle gas

curved shafts....(that just made me think of penises.)

Straight shafts ...Okay anything with the word shafts in it makes me think of penises, I cannot lie.

There were ones with attachments and ones with tanks.

There were orange ones and green ones....there were no pink ones.

I growled because I all of a sudden hated weed eaters. I stomped my foot because I wanted to kick one of them.

I pulled out my phone. I needed a boy.

My first instinct was to call my ex-husband, but I think that the time allowed for that is expired. It has been 5 years since our divorce, and plus I knew he would not be awake at 8 am

I then called Jesse...who is Dawns boy and so by proxy he is mine.
He did not answer.
 I stuck my tongue at his face on my phone and ended the call.

I texted Brandee, who could ask Mandy. But they were asleep.

I called Stephen Francis who MIGHT be helpful, but he did not answer either.

I sighed and looked down at my phone. I need to get more handy friends who are boys.

I texted Juan, but alas...nothing. He was probably running, chasing his wife with a hairy carrot or plotting revenge against me.

One of those.

I sighed and looked up. and up and up...The boxes blurred together. There was a little Asian man walking in front of the boxes. "Which one of these are you buying and why?" I asked him.

"I was waiting until you took one."

"Why?"

"Because I don't know."

"Dammit"

The  Wal-Mart Lady stared at me from behind the checkout. "Do you know?" She shook her head at shrugged her shoulders.

 I hated her right then.

I wanted to just buy the most expensive one, because that means it is the best right? I reached forward to grab it.

 "Do you need help?" a man asked from the left of me.

"YAY!" I exclaimed and turned to face him. "Could you tell that I needed help from across the store?"

"Well. You look like my wife does when she stands in front of anything like this. And I heard you on your phone muttering about Pequino douchebag nerdy lesbians."

"Nono. Those are my friends! I was calling for help....

Pequino, Douche, Nerdy and....anyways...

I'm not a good friend I think."

He laughed and I felt like I was standing on top of a mountain, that this man was swathed in robes and his head was shaved. "Which should I buy oh wise one."

"Okay. Which do you prefer Gas or electric."

"I dunno." I shrugged

"Are you going to want to go get gas in a gas tank and mix it with oil?"

"Ew."

"So electric." He moved over to a selection. "Do you prefer curved or straight?"

I bit my lip.

I bit my lip because I was swallowing inappropriate words.

I bit my lip because I wanted to say "Curved and to the left" But I didn't...I DIDN'T.

"I don't know...what do you have. Curved or straight?"

He laughed. I gasped.

He opened his mouth to answer.

And then he bit his lip.

I blurted out..."I just want one that will eat my weeds. I want one that is easy to operate and that is not too hard to put together."

"Okay."

"And I want it to eat it like it means it too. No pansy weed eater."

He pulled out a box and handed it to me. "This one will do ya"

"YAY! You are a gentleman and a scholar." and I plopped the box under my arm.

.......

When I got home I handed the box off to Shane. "Here boy. Put this together so that I can go forth and eat weeds."

"Okay. Get me a screwdriver."

"Oh fuck." I whispered...or shouted....

He laughed.

"Do you NEED one?"

"Yes mom. It is kind of hard to put this thing on without it."

"But is that thing really necessary? "

My son stared at me, and if his stare could talk it would have said "You are a dumbass. But you are cute."

I know that I am 35 years old. But I will tell you that I MAY have melted to the ground in slow motion. I also MAY have thrown a fit, which included screaming and flailing.

My son MAY have ignored me until I was done and then in a bored voice said "We still need a screwdiver."

I found one, but it was the wrong one. I cursed.

I snorted.

I tried a butter knife, some scissors and a credit card.

I dug in every drawer in my house.

I found some candles that look like sandles, extra batteries and three pairs of rainbow earrings.

And then I found one.

I chortled with glee. Screwed the fucking screw in and went outside.  started the weedeater and my neighbor stopped me by waving. "Are you sure that you want to weed eat in a skirt and a tank top Laurie?"

I looked down at my hot pink tanktop and lowered my sunglasses back down. "I know that I have to do boy things, LIZ, but I can at least look cute doing them."

And I started my machine, and ate me some fucking weeds.