Home.

We're not supposed to be prideful I think,
But it is incredibly hard not to be, when your son is as amazing as mine is.

When I was his age, I had him and who really knows what kind of a parent you will be. You can say whatever you like BEFORE you are a parent, but the fact is,,,shit changes. All of a sudden you are responsible for the care and character of another human being.

I was born, was raised and lived in a chaotic life. It was crazy. People fought always, I do not remember people laughing, unless it was at anothers expense and the only time that I relaxed was when my nose was shoved inside of a book.

After Shane slipped from my body, I knew only that I had ONE sure thing in life, and that was him.
I remember sitting on my grandmothers tweed couch breastfeeding him. My finger smoothed over his cheek, so slowly. My body was tired, my hair was unwashed and as he stared into my eyes with complete love and unbridled trust I whispered "I don't know what I am doing. I don't know what I am going to do. But I promise that I will always love you."

He fell asleep right then. And I took that as a sign of agreement.

I wanted to give him everything wonderful in life. And for me that started with our home. As a child, I never felt safe in mine. It was never the place that I wanted to be. It was never fun. There was no music, nobody danced and at night when I fell asleep, I couldn't wait to wake up one day older...one day closer to making my own home.

Our first home was a studio of sorts. It was there that Shane learned to walk in his sturdy white walking shoes. It was also the first time that he fell down, and whispered "God dammit!"

I was so happy that our TV tuned into sesame street, because we couldn't afford cable.

There we planted our first garden and took walks to the park. When fall came I walked him around our neighborhood and pointed out the first signs of autumn. Collecting leaves along the way.

Our second home was in Sacramento. It was an apartment and Shane had his own room. He would line up all of his hot wheel cars and we would play them for hours.

This is the home where I looked at him in his eyes and said "Is mommy a cow?"
"No. You're my mommy."
"Then I'm done breastfeeding you. No more NighNigh okay?I'm sorry but you are practically driving."
"Okay momma"
He was 2, and that was that.


That is where he discovered his love of Nintendo. We would smooth out a blanket on the floor and he would sit there most of the day watching me play Mario 64 until one day while I pee'd he picked up the controller and made Mario Jump.

For the next day and a half I sat next to him and showed him how to use the controller.
He was 2 years and 5 months old, and that was that.

Our next home was another apartment. This is where he dressed up as a teletubbie for Halloween. We had many neighborhood water balloon fights and BBQ's.

When we moved back to Modesto we moved here. Only in the back house. It was insanely small and at the time I demanded from my then husband "I will ONLY stay here a year. That's it."

We ended up living in the back house for 3 years until we had this one built. It had a huge expanse of yard, and has seen an insane amount of food fights, ridiculous kids birthday parties (Wizard of oz complete with a witch on top of the house...I mean comeon.)

In this home Shane started kindergarten

We've lived in this house for 11 years.
Shane has started Kindergarten and will end high school with the same address.
I know that I have made many MANY mistakes in his life (so far) But I am so proud of the man that he has become.

I feel like we are standing on the edge of amazing. There are so many moments in his life yet to come. Both happy ones and some filled with grief. I hope he knows that no matter where he is and where I am in this life (and the next) He is and always will be my home.