I havent written in too long. It's just been too long.
Even now I stare at my screen and don't know what to write. I don't know how to describe this life of mine.
Up and down. Crazy and mundane. Days where I don't sit down and days when Im almost comatose.
Women.
That word is so complex, as we all are.
Love rules us. It defines our lives. Wether it is love of a child or that of a man. woman.
Or both.
Emma sleeps behind me on our couch. Her fingers curled next to her chin. Her hair is tangled and fanned out around her, she softly snores.
I look at my daughter and wonder what kind of a women she will become. I wonder who she will love and wether she will be a natural mother.
I hope that I will pass enough strength and love of self onto her. I hope that she is smart and confident.
Each day she grows, and each lesson she learns will help build her into the kind of woman she becomes.
She is surrounded by women. Myself, Aunty Dawn, Aunty Melanie, Aunty Jen.
She never ever see's her Auntie 'shoe' (Cyn) But she never forgets her and has her pictures taped on her pink princess wall.
I am interested in relationships. I am curious if anyone truely lives happily ever after. I feel I should study and learn...so that I can teach Emma.
I have this love for Dustin that is immense, and full and perfect...and I worry and wonder if that will change?
Will it always go away?
I listen to friends..and friends of friends confide. I am a listener and so I listen. And ingest. And realise.
How hard love is. How confusing women are. How complex our hearts are.
I have noticed that women who want simple things in love, are the happiest. Women who understand that nobody is perfect, "and anyway...if he WAS perfect..how boring would he be!"
But these women are confident and are far and few between.
We are seldom raised to pray and meditate and nurture love of ourselves, before we do it for others.
We want to grow quickly...reproduce naturally..and marry.
Done and done.
My parents had an emotianally tireing marriage. As a child I saw it as chaos. Now as an adult I can see it for what it was.
I wanted what I never had as a child. Security. I wanted a home. Someplace happy and stressfree. I wanted everyday to be the same and I wanted to infuse my children with security and love.
I did right by my children, but did a great disservice to Myself anf Christopher. Marrying for all the wrong reasons. Staying married for the same ones.
Luckily when we divorced our children became even happier. Luckily Toph and I are friends and our children have stayed first and formost...the important ones.
Even the most self assured, self made woman can fall in love and immediatly become an astounding idiot.
It happens the world over. We see it in our bestfriends and again in our sisters. We fall in love and the sun shines out of thier asses. They sleep and you when you wake you smile at the small bit of drool on thier pillow. You think its cute and perfect. They always smell nice and when they kiss you, your tummy flutters.
One year later... your scrubbing the pillows and cursing the idiot who drools when they sleep. Huffing at them when they want another kiss and waiting with baited breath for them to leave for work.
Women, albiet not everyone mind you, are in love ...with love.
Falling into it and announcing it into the world.
Telling their friends all about the stupid little things they do that make you happy. Giggeling over the nickname he calls you and secretly planning your firstborns name.
In reality your friends grunt and sigh when you go on about him, because they have been married for 5 years and know that in 2 more you will be asking him to PLEASE stop calling you pookiebutt in front of the kids.
Don't get me wrong dear readers, I am madly in love. So much so that I grumble about it.
I loved being single and talkig about what idiots married people were. But, as usual, Karma hits and I fall head over flips in love with a man much too young, who's skin smells like sunshine.
It's life. It's fucked up. And I find myself doing things that I swore I never would. Why?
Why is that? Why do women compromise themselves for love?
Is it, as a friend suggested to me, in our genetic makeup? Are we hardwired to procreate? Is there a scientific reason for the butterflies and the blinders?
I have heard men say that we women are crazy. That we cannot be pleased. That women, in general are confused.
Do I agree with them? Hell yes.
We are crazy.
This situation is a TRUE situation that a couple shared with me.
'Ruby' asks her man to run to a resteraunt and pick up her togo order. He gets dressed and does. When she recives it the following conversation ACTUALLY happened.
"IT HAS GRAVY!" she screeched
"Yes..it does." he replied
"HOW can you bring me gravy. Did i ASK you to get me mashed potatoes AND gravy?!?!"
By now her heart has accelerated. Her cheeks are flushed and she wants to kill him.
"Did you ask me NOT to get you gravy?" He yells back. Angry that he just went all the way across town and she cannot even say thank you.
"DO YOU EVER see me eating GRAVY on my fucking potatoes?!!"
Her husband stares at her. He is confused and pissed off. He knows that if he says yes she will call him a liar. If he says no then she will yell more and demand an apology.
He is silent.
This pisses her off.
She screams somemore and with much imphasis, she throws the potatoes in the garbage.
Which pisses him off, since HE paied for those potatoes.
"YOu ordered it. I didn't. I didn't order your fucking potatoes. You asked me to pick them up and I did. How is this my fault?! I can NEVER make you happy."
Which is right. He can't.
Neither one stops and realises that they are fighting over a vegitable.
Now this may just be that they are a crazy couple doomed for love, but i can say, quite honestly, that I once went balistic over a cheeseburger.
The happiest relationship that I know of to date would have to be that of my ex-coteacher and her wife. They are a happy, real life couple. Married for 5 years together for something like 12.
When we all go out my co-teacher drinks and dances and has fun, she can get crazy...but there in the background is her wife. Always smiling...calm. Happy. They have dogs and an amazing friendship.
Real.
My friend Jodee is getting married soon and she is madly in love. This is both of their second marriage.We tease Jodee because she thinks the raises and sets in Daves eyes.
I watch them together when I can. And I have come to conclusion that these people are real lifers. They have both made mistakes in life and just THRILL in love.
They are happy about it. They are thankful for it. They realise how fucked up life can be and just revel in each other.
How great is that? How great is this love. It beams off of them and if people scoff and make fun, it is because they themselves are jelous. They want that, or used to have that.
If you have no blinders, and you see that he drools...you don't think he's a god because of it. But you see the drool and you love him because of it.
If you accept another human being despite the one too many beers or the arm hair picking. If you revel in the fact that you both are alive and in love and it feels good.
And life is not perfect. Love is not perfect...so lets just be unperfect together.
Then just how lovely is that?
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